Disclaimer – I give up… These are stupid! I mean, if we owned any of this, do you really think we'd be on ? Disclaimers are pointless! I mean, it's not like Jo is going to read this and say, "This girl stole my characters. I'm going to sue her!" How likely is that?!?!?! The chances of anybody suing me over this are the same as me winning the Nobel Prize! What's the point of these stupid things?! Besides, there are dozens of users here who "forget" to put disclaimers all the time! I may not be a newbie to , who doesn't know what to do with a (COMPLETELY POINTLESS) disclaimer, but I, like many others, have realised the complete and utter lack of reason for a disclaimer. So, ending this rant, I WILL NOT PUT UP A DISCLAIMER… (Ooh, rebellion!)
A/N – I got this idea while I was on Twitter, talking to Professor Cassandra. The Death Eaters' personalities come from her stories. Mr. Happysmileyman , Bella's stalker-ish personality, and Draco's "adolescent happiness" are also hers. So basically, what I'm trying to say is, most of the credit for this story goes to Professor Cassandra. Aaand, because of that, she gets a special guest appearance! Anyway, I should probably start the story now, so – Enjoyyyy!!!
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A Very Voldy Thanksgiving
By Drishti Choudhury
***
"Pass the turkey."
"Er, I'm not exactly done with-"
"Avada Kedavra! Wormtail, pass me the turkey."
It was Thanksgiving time at Malfoy Manor, and the Death Eaters were having their annual Thanksgiving dinner. Everything was going well, until-
"Shouldn't we say what we are thankful for, My Lord?" piped up one of the random nameless Death Eaters.
Voldemort pointed his wand at the aforementioned Death Eater. "Crucio. That is an excellent idea, though." He scratched at his non-existent hair, looking around the table. "Let's see… Why don't we start with-"
"Me!" Everybody turned around to face the speaker.
"I know what I'm thankful for," said Bellatrix happily. Voldemort groaned. There was no doubt as to what Bella was thankful for.
"What are you thankful for, Bella?" asked Wormtail obliviously. Voldemort made a mental note to torture him as much as humanely possible later.
"I'm thankful for my dear Lord Sexymort, of course!" she cried. "How can someone not be thankful for this hunky lump of nose-less wonder?" Voldemort wondered how much of his face he could hide behind the turkey. Honestly, if Bella kept talking, the Death Eaters would lose all the respect they had for him!
"I know what I'm thankful for!" said Draco, from across the table. "My mommy, and my daddy, and my ponies, and my pretty rainbow posters!" Narcissa smiled, looking proudly at her son.
Bella rolled her eyes. "You're spoiling him, Cissy. When I was his age, I was thankful for my toy knives and daggers." Draco's mouth flew open.
"But, Auntie Bella! Those are really bad! You might give somebody a boo-boo!"
Everybody started laughing, excluding Lucius and Narcissa, of course. Even Snape managed to crack a faint smile.
"What are you thankful, Snapey?" asked Bella, finally lifting herself off of the floor. Snape sighed.
"There's nothing in this world for me to be thankful for," he said sullenly. "The one thing I was ever thankful for was brutally murdered." Voldemort whistled casually, turning away.
"What about Jessie?" asked Lucius, grinning wickedly. "Aren't you thankful for her?"
"Holy crap, are you blushing?!" cried Voldemort. Indeed, Snape, Severus Snape, Master of Depressment, was actually blushing.
"Snape and Jessie, sitting in a tree," sang Draco. "K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Everybody stared.
"What the crap was that?" asked Voldemort.
"Were you singing a… Muggle song?" asked Lucius in horror.
"I sense a face to be burnt off the family tree," said Bella happily.
"I like cheese!" cried Wormtail. Everyone turned to Narcissa, who, surprisingly, had tears in her eyes.
"You… sing… beautifully!" she said, wiping her eyes. She gave Draco a hug, smothering him in hugs and kisses. "Wasn't that wonderful, Lucius?"
"OLGA THANKFUL FOR FOOD. WORMY OKAY ALSO," called Olga from the closet across the room. Wormtail blushed, smiling over to his girlfriend.
"I am thankful for Mr. Happysmileyman," announced Voldemort loudly.
"Your teddy bear, My Lord?" asked one of the Death Eaters further along the table. Voldemort rolled his eyes.
"No, Draco's unicorn. Yes, my teddy bear! Avada Kedavra! I'm quite thankful for my luscious locks, as well, I suppose." Lucius opened his mouth to protest, but Bella shot him a glare, and he shut his mouth abruptly.
"My Lord?" asked a female Death Eater down the table. "Exactly how did you lose your nose?" Had it not been Thanksgiving, Lord Voldemort would surely have showed the female Death Eater exactly how he lost his nose. Besides, she was rather pretty…
"Well, you see," he said mournfully, "it all started with a tragic game of Got Your Conk…"
-X-x-X-
Three hours later, every single Death Eater at the table was crying their eyes out.
"And that," Voldemort ended dramatically, "was how I lost my nose…" Bella stood up, clapping loudly.
"Encore, encore!" Voldemort glared.
"Be-lla!" he whined. "You ruined my dramatic finish!"
"Well, if ain't Ol' No Nose!" called a voice from the dining room's entrance. "Whut in tarnation are you doin' here?"
"Why are you here?" demanded Voldemort. "This is a Thanksgiving party for Death Eaters." Earl scratched at his scruffy beard.
"Yeh mean this ain't the Square Dance?" he asked. There was a puzzled silence around the table. Finally, Bella spoke up.
"What's a-" She was interrupted by another voice, female this time.
"BELLS!"
"Oh crap…" said Bella softly. "Maybe, if I just don't move, she won't notice me…" So she sat quietly in the chair, slowly sliding lower and lower.
"Why are you hidin', Bells?" cried Luann, pulling her out forcefully from her seat. Bella yelped, grabbing her wand from beside her plate.
"Crucio! Avada Kedavra! Sectumsempra!" she screamed, jabbing her wand at Luann. "Why won't you freaking die?!?!?!"
"Bells," said Luann seriously, "we wen' through this over the summer. All those purdy lights an' all are right nice of yeh, but it's getting' awful tirin' havin' you poke that stick at me." Bellatrix completely lost it then.
" YOU CAN JUST –beep- THE –beep-ING DEMI LOVATO –beep- RAINBOW PONIES –beep- AND YOU CAN TAKE YOUR –beep- NICKELODEON –beep- LAWNMOWER –beep- ADRIAN –beep- MONK –beep- FATTEST DUCK IN THE WORLD –beep-SANTA CLAUS –beep- SHOVE THE –beep- MILEY CYRUS –beep- STRIPPER POLE –beep- TWIN PIG BABIES –beep- NUTCRACKER –beep- BABIES R US –beep- ADAM LAMBERT!" And with that, she marched out of the room.
"Well, that was… entertaining…" said Voldemort after a long, awkward pause. The pregnant silence was soon broken by the sound of loud munching. Everybody turned around.
"OLGA HUNGRY," said Olga, stuffing another turkey leg into her mouth. "OLGA WANT FOOD."
"Isn't she wonderful?" asked Wormtail, smiling widely. "Always trying to stay fit and healthy."
"Er, yes, simply charming," said Lucius hurriedly, hiding his plate under the table.
"Why don't you ever compliment me like that, Rodolphus?" called Bella from upstairs.
"Because you're too naturally beautiful to have to care about your weight, love," said Rodolphus breathlessly.
"So now I'm fat?" she screeched. "Crucio!" Rodolphus writhed in pain, eventually falling off his chair.
"Does anybody want some possum cass-uh-roll?" asked Luann, rummaging around within her large chest area.
"Do you have a handbag in there?" asked Voldemort curiously. Luann snorted.
"Why would ah need a handbag when ah got these?" she said, gesturing to herself. "More than ee-nuff room for mah stuff!" She pulled out a small microwave oven and a metal tray. Draco stared.
"Mum?" he asked.
"Yes, love?"
"Where did she get that from?"
"From her bosom, darling."
"Her what?" Narcissa leaned towards her son, whispering a few quick words. A moment later, they both sat up.
"So that's what goes in the moob protectors!" he exclaimed. Everybody stared.
"What… the… crap?!" asked the Dark Lord. "What is a moob protector?" Draco walked over to him, whispering a few words like his mother had done earlier. By the time he was done whispering, a look of horror had replaced Voldemort's confusion.
"That's disgusting!" he exclaimed. "I mean, what's the point?"
-X-x-X-
Fifteen minutes later, the Dark Lord was very well informed as to the use of the aforementioned "moob protectors". Both Lucius and Bella (who had re-entered the room upon hearing about the moob protectors) had been very eager to share their experiences and information with him.
"So, after you-" started Voldemort.
"Okay, that's it!" cried a female, blonde Death Eater from further down the table. "I think we've heard enough!" The Dark Lord turned around slowly.
"Who the crap are you?" he asked. She gave a wide smile, one bordering slightly on evil.
"You don't know me, Voldypoo?" she asked sweetly.
"Honestly, I don't know who the crap you are," he said.
"I'm Cassandra," she said. "But you may know me better as Professor Cassandra… Cassie, maybe?" Voldemort frowned.
"Professor Cass-" He stopped suddenly.
"Oh crap… I remember you…" he muttered. "You're that crazy author lady who makes me do things I would really rather not do."
"You mean like this?" She clicked her fingers, waiting for something to happen. "What the crap?"
"I'm the author now," said another voice, this time from a darker-haired witch, sitting across the table from Cassie.
"Who are you now?" asked Voldemort wearily. "I'm really getting rather tired of all these people I don't know." The raven-haired girl sighed.
"You've really got quite a crappy memory, haven't you?" she asked. "My name is Drishti," she said slowly, as if talking to a child.
"Wha- Oh crap! It's another evil one!" cried Voldemort. Drishti pulled out her wand, and pointed it at the Dark Lord.
"Please shut up," she said. "Silencio!" The other Death Eaters stared in silence. Finally, Rabastan spoke up.
"How did you do that?" he asked.
"I'm the author, remember?" she said, twirling her wand between her fingers. "I can do whatever I want!" She snapped her fingers, and Rabastan flew out of his chair, landing in a heap near the entrance.
"Do yeh think yeh can fix mah butt-tucks?" asked Earl from the opposite corner. Drishti eyed him warily.
"What's wrong with them?" she asked.
"Well, I was out shark wrasslin', and a big ol' deer took a big ol' chomp outta it," explained Earl, making wild hand gestures to accentuate his point.
"Are you kidding me?" she asked. "Why on Earth would I- Wait, a deer? How could there have been a deer, if you were shark wrestling?"
"Yeh get all kinds in the Philangic Oh-shun," said Earl, shrugging.
"I'm not even going to bother to ask where there Philangic is," muttered Cassie.
"I think it's time for a Thanksgiving song," said Voldemort cheerfully. Drishti glanced at him.
"How come you're talking?" she asked. Voldemort shrugged.
"It's Thanksgiving. Expect miracles, dear," he said.
"Miracles are for Christmas, Voldy," interjected Cassie, rolling her eyes. "This is Thanksgiving. Y'know, with all the turkeys and whatnot?"
"Can we sing now?" asked Draco. Voldemort waved his wand, and the CD player flickered on. Music began playing, and everybody sang along.
"And I dug my key into the side,'
Of his pretty little souped-up drive,
Carved my name into his leather seat,
Took a Lousville Slugger to both headlights,
Slashed a hole in all four tires,
And, maybe next time he'll think before he cheeeeaaats!!!"
***
A/N – Holy crap, I almost finished this before Thanksgiving was over. I'm only half an hour off… Anway, I hope you enjoyed this. I do have a few things to clear up, though:
1) If you're wondering why I've chosen to write this story so differently than the way I normally write, is because I'm trying to copy Professor Cassandra's writing style. Since these are her character personalities and her character settings, I figured I should probably write the way she does. The story would have probably been loads more craptastic had I written in my normal style.
2) The whole "moob protector" thing is kind of an inside joke between me, Professor Cassandra, and one of our friends on Twitter. A moob protector is basically just a bra. This other girl made a Twitter account for Cassie's version of Draco (the "adolescently happy" one), and we got into this whole RP (Role-Playing) conversation about where babies come from. And, you know, with my levels of randomness, we eventually got onto things like that. So, I'm incredibly sorry if I completely confused you with that part.
Aaaanywayz… Please (please!) review! Thanks for spending some of your valuable time reading this crap! Byeeeez!!!