Good morning, everybody! It's a beautiful day… well, actually, it's pretty average over here, but that's fine. This fanfic is absolutely crazy, so if you're looking for a serious fanfiction story, just walk away now. If you're not – read on. There is no way this won't be a multichapter work, so, if anybody is reading this, be on the lookout for updates.
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, Harry Potter, any of the songs / artists mentioned in this chapter, Nyan Cat, Advil, Frisbee, or Jell-O.
Firecracker was stabbing a picture of red Jell-O with Deadly Pickles, her magical always – sharp pencil, while singing the Duck Song. Her behavior was not entirely without reason, which was unusual for Firecracker. She was maiming the Jell-O picture due to a mixture of hatred for the substance and stress. As for the Duck Song, she was now singing this practically at the top of her lungs to block the horrible noises of "Sexy and I Know It" that were drifting up the stairs. Blocking out her younger brother's awful tastes in music was an almost everyday occurrence. So was stabbing pictures of things she despised. However, stress was a feeling that rarely wormed its way into Firecracker's mind. Today, the plan she had worked on for so long would be coming into place. I'm getting a little ahead of myself, though. I'm guessing you are wondering who this chick is, how old she is, and what she looks like. Since I hate having to describe what the main character looks like every chapter, I will give any readers out there a detailed description, then leave the rest of the chapters to your imagination.
Firecracker's hair was light blond (her natural color) and dyed a vivid blue at the ends. The hair was pulled into two sloppy pigtails. She was short, at 5'2. On her face, she wore stereotypical black "nerd glasses". Her small nose had a multitude of freckles, as did the rest of her face. She wore no makeup. Makeup is for girly girls. Eww. Oh yeah, and she had blue eyes. True to her nature, her clothes were mismatched and non-girly. On her feet were blue and white rain boots. Naturally, the weather was sunny that day, with absolutely no clouds in sight. She also wore knee high socks. One was green with yellow stars, the other rainbow. She wore rather normal denim shorts, except for the random jelly donut sticker on it. Lastly, she wore a white t-shirt that featured an elephant holding an espresso.
Now, back to the story. Firecracker walked over to a scrap of wall that was mostly concealed by her bed. She flipped open a small, rectangular bit of the wall, which revealed a hidden keypad. After typing in the correct code, another, larger keypad appeared. Once again, she typed in the correct sequence of numbers and letters. This time, though, a mechanical voice asked "What is Firecracker's favorite type of coffee?" Firecracker, obviously knowing the answer by heart, quickly answered " A mocha-caramel frappuccino with whipped cream. Chocolate and caramel topping-thingy, and a chocolate straw. Woot woot!" Forgetting the "woot woot" at the end was fatal. At last, the majority of the wall opened wide, revealing the entrance to a vast tube slide. Firecracker hopped in and began to slide down the well and colorfully lit tunnel. "Ooh, pretty lights" she said as the lights whizzed by. "They remind me of the time when I went to that bumblebee's anniversary. There was a dancing polar bear, a ninja kitten, and those sugar cookies where the frosting said 'Happy Birthday, Corwin!' even though it was his anniversary, and his name was Albert. Oh well!". At last the tunnel came to an end. The only thing at the end of the tunnel was a swirling vortex. Firecracker gleefully hopped into the portal like it was a cool swimming pool on a roasting summer day. After a feeling that was similar to Apparating, she arrived on the opposite side of the portal, in a colossal mansion suspended in the air. Actually, the mansion itself was not suspended. Rather, it was located on an entire street hanging invisibly in the air. It was so high up, it was above the clouds, so that passerby would not see a street hanging over their heads when they walked by. All this was Firecracker's doing. Well, her planning anyway. Her army of "construction workers" had finished it in just over a year. It turned out that Nyan Cats were very speedy workers.
Firecracker took a deep breath, arranged some chairs in the room she was now in, and pressed a big blue button. The Star Wars theme song played as people fell from the ceiling. Some of them fell onto the chairs, the others landing painfully on the hard, orange – and – red - tiled floor. She waved at the falling people, helping Luke, Leia, C-3PO, Darth Maul, and Qui-Gon the chairs, and left Jar-Jar and Palpatine twitching feebly on the floor.
"Welcome to the Funtastic Flamazing Floating Housey-Thing!" Firecracker shouted, opening her arms with a flourish, waiting for applause. However, everyone was too busy either rubbing their aching heads or coming back into consciousness to respond at all. It occurred to Firecracker that no one would be up to doing much more than being in pain for a while unless she did something. So, she passed out Advil to everyone except Jar-Jar and Emperor of Ugliness. She just slapped them in the face to wake them up. Yay! Everyone who had taken the Advil was suddenly wide awake, virtually painless, and chatting about the utter strangeness of very recent events. Never underestimate the power of Advil.
"Alright everybody! Now that you are conscious, I'd like to welcome you to the Funtastic Flamazing Floating Housey-Thing! You can call it FFFHT. But really, you should call it home! Because this is where you're living now. Don't worry, there's plenty of room! You should be getting maps right about now. It'll show you where everyone's room is, except my own. I don't like stalkers."
This statement was greeted with expressions of concern for their safety and a definite lack of applause. Firecracker sighed.
"Alright, everybody say their name when I point to them. I'll start with you, Luke" she said, pointing Deadly Pickles at Luke.
"You just said my name! Why do you need to hear it again? Who are YOU? And what is HE doing here?" Luke pointed to Vader.
"Hey, be patient. I'm Firecracker. I just want to take roll. Shut up so I can hear everybody say their name, because saying "here" is boring. Nice to have you here. Welcome. NEXT!"
She went through all the names. There were Luke (obviously), Leia, Han, C-3PO, RD-D2, Chewbacca, Lando, Vader, Obi-Wan (who was young again, because otherwise he would probably die right there at the mansion), Qui-Gon, Darth Maul, Sudoku (Dooku), and Emperor of Ugliness. Firecracker had sent The Retard (Jar-Jar) back to the Gungans.
"Hey guys! I'm sure you're wondering why you're all here. I brought you here! See, back in the 70's and 80's, people were obsessed with you guys. They believed in you, that you were real. But, as time went on, they stopped, and thought you guys were fictional characters. The idiots! Well, one or two people believed again in 1999, but that was about it. So, the problem is, people don't believe in you anymore. Once everyone stopped, you guys would die. So, I brought you guys here, where you're safe from that suckiness!"
"… How do you know this?" asked Han tentatively. The grin slipped off of Firecracker's face.
"Ehhh… COOKIES!" she shouted, tossing a plate of cookies like a Frisbee to the other side of the room. Everyone raced to grab the delicious chocolate-chip goodness, except Yoda, who was allergic to gluten. So, Firecracker plopped herself down next to him.
"Hey buddy! Short people rule!"
"Freaking me out, you are", said Yoda, edging himself away from the crazy chick. Then, Firecracker heard the hi-tech sounding sounds of lightsabers. She looked up to find Obi-Wan and Emperor of Ugliness dueling over the last chocolate chip cookie. She leaped over to the, shouting "BREAK IT UP!". She gave Obi-Wan the cookie, and Ugly a banana, then conjured a pack of banana-deprived, saber-toothed orangutans, who immediately attacked him, leave good ol' Obi in peace.
"Alright everybody. I need to set some rules. 1: Don't steal my candy, coffee, tater chips, cookies, pie, waffles, or hot chocolate. 2: No killing other characters. 3: No killing me, if that's possible. 4: No stalking me or my friends, who will show up. Lastly, 5: NO dying! Got it? The consequences for breaking these rules will be much worse than what just happened to Old Ugly. So, have fun! Chillax! Eat waffles! Grow Durigible Plums! Do…whatever the Force else! WHEE!" She conjured a ball pit and jumped in. And so the insanity began.
So, that was Chapter 1! This is my first story, so please don't be too harsh. Bye!