I Couldn't Sleep At All Last Night (Just a-Thinkin' of You)

by AccountKilled4003

In which after a very strange and exhausting day, Amy has trouble sleeping. Set after 1x1. A look into Amy's mind the night after the assembly. Standard disclaimers apply. From the look of the previews, this will be canon-balled shortly.

2:01 AM

She's going to call in like… five, five and a half hours? How is it possible I can't get to sleep right now? I'm exhausted, why can't I just turn my mind off?

2:02 AM

When I close my eyes, I keep seeing it, over and over.

2:03 AM

… but when I open them, there's nothing in my room that doesn't remind me of Karma somehow.

2:04 AM

She's sat on every flat surface, picked up and played with everything on my shelves (usually over my whining at her to stop), read and scrawled a doodle on or done a dramatic reading of every post-it note, left her stuff in every drawer.

2:05 AM

She's in every part of my life.

2:06 AM

I guess she always was, and I bet it'd be the same for her if she ever really thought about it.

2:07 AM

I just never really thought about it until now.

2:08 AM

I never thought about any of this before.

XXX

2:19 AM

I keep looking over at this photo on my nightstand of me and Karma when we were four years old. It's dark in here, but it's not like I need museum lighting to remember every little detail. We're covered in mud, trying to build a sandcastle in the rain in my backyard, and just laughing our asses off.

2:20 AM

I love that picture.

2:21 AM

Right now it reminds me of this story Mom always tells from when we were that age, where I came running into the house in tears and dragged her outside because Karma had been stung by a wasp.

When Mom asked me why I was crying so much, I said "Kar-kar got a bee sting." Mom said "no, that's why Karma's crying. I asked why are you crying?" I told her "I'm sad because Kar-kar's sad."

2:22 AM

My mom loves that story.

2:23 AM

My mom doesn't like Karma as much as she used to.

2:24 AM

She's always super-politely calling attention to how much time we spend together. And she's been making that stupid joke about how we're like an old married couple more and more, and she's making less and less of an effort to hide that she doesn't think that's a good thing.

2:25 AM

I thought she just felt I should have other friends, maybe more academically minded friends (and it's not even like that, Karma can always get her grades up when she needs to, it's just not on her mind every second like you want)… or maybe that she wanted me to bond with my bitch-coated-in-liquid-evil step-sister.

2:26 AM

Maybe Mom just knew me better than I thought she did.

2:27 AM

Mom doesn't like me as much as she used to, either.

XXX

2:40 AM

The thing is, I never could stand to see Karma sad, or scared, or in pain, or unhappy at all really. And when Karma was on stage at that stupid fucking assembly, about to explain… well, who the hell knows how she would have explained it, because it was like five lies too late to blame the whole thing on stupid fucking Shane… I could tell Karma was about as scared as she'd ever been. And I knew there was a lot of unhappiness coming our way.

2:41 AM

This wasn't one of those things people would just forget about when the next scandal broke. We'd go from "that brunette with the big sunglasses who's kinda loud and that blonde who wore overalls to that party who's always hanging around her" to "those two psycho losers who pretended to be lesbians to convince everyone to make them homecoming queens" forever. It'd follow us around for the rest of high school, maybe to college thanks to Facebook (eat my ass, Zuckerberg), be the first thing anyone brought up to us at the 20-year reunion in the unlikely event that we ended up going. Forget being popular. We'd have a two-girl dance party to celebrate the day when people finally stopped sending us anonymous hate on .

2:42 AM

I wouldn't care, or care much at least. I really am happy with how things are… or were. I would have been perfectly content to spend the next three years of weekends hanging out in one of our bedrooms, watching crappy HGTV and reality shows and exploring the known universe through Netflix (we still haven't seen the Bangladesh documentary, and we haven't even started The Office). Just us. Easy. (Why couldn't we just have done that?)

2:43 AM

But Karma? Karma would have hated every second of it. She would have felt like she was missing out on something, something that apparently is a fundamental part of high school for her.

And what Karma wants, I want for her. That's how best friends work, right?

That's why I did it.

2:44 AM

Even though it was a stupid fucking thing to do and I never wanted any of this in the first place.

2:45 AM

I don't know why I'm so obsessed with figuring out a super-logical explanation for this. It's not like I did some Saved By The Bell stop-time thing and worked it all out in my head ahead of time, so what difference does it make? Karma looked scared. I made Karma not scared any more. I didn't stop to think about it, that's not what I do when Karma is scared. That's not what a best friend does.

2:46 AM

Really, the mistake was agreeing to being fake lesbians in the first place. It was always going to be a bad idea, why did I let Karma talk me into it?

2:47 AM

I'm always letting Karma talk into me into stupid things, whether it's trying to move a wasp's nest in the backyard "so that little kids don't get hurt" or going for the Steve's Ice Cream Most Cones Eaten in One Hour record or stupid high school parties or trying to sneak into the auditions for the UT ballet company… really, I'm lucky it took this long to get to something this disastrous.

2:48 AM

I've always been pretty lousy at saying no to Karma.

2:49 AM

I love Karma.

XXX

3:01 AM

There's nothing weird about loving Karma. Karma's my best friend, my sister from another mister, my…

3:02 AM

Not soulmate. Let's not go nuts here.

3:03 AM

The point is, she's my BFF! It's normal to love your BFF, you're supposed to, it doesn't mean anything. You're supposed to care about her, take care of her, want to spend your time with her, share everything with her, be flirty and cute with her. Really, what's weird is that we haven't kissed before.

3:04 AM

Is it weird that we haven't kissed before?

3:05 AM

This is so stupid. I just want to sleep.

3:06 AM

Why can't I just sleep and forget this whole ridiculous day?

XXX

3:21 AM

I like boys. I know that.

3:22 AM

Just because I've never dated a boy or had a boyfriend or anything, that doesn't mean anything. Just because MTV thinks I should be a year away from "16 and Pregnant" and some of my classmates are apparently debating which orgy to go to every Friday night doesn't mean that's, like, significant. I'm only 15, and Mom's always telling me I'm a late bloomer. (Thanks, Mom.)

3:23 AM

And hey, Karma says that it's not me that's the problem, it's that "most boys our age are just too immature to appreciate how deeply awesome you are," and that "by the time you're a senior and they've grown up a little you'll have to have, like, a Common App to pick from all the guys who want you." That sounds like such a mom thing to say, but when Karma says it I kind of believe it.

3:24 AM

But then, Karma's had boys want to date her before. And there's definitely no question that Karma likes boys.

3:25 AM

I'm not as boy crazy as Karma, but that doesn't make me… I mean, if everyone less boy crazy than Karma was a lesbian, straight boys would be in big trouble.

3:26 AM

I've had crushes on boys. I've kissed boys. Not a lot of boys, but definitely multiple boys. More than one.

3:27 AM

And I didn't like it that much, but that was because they were little dweeby 13- and 14-year-old boys, so they were bad kissers. They were always so awkward, and like, chewing on my face and slobbering all over me like excited puppies.

3:28 AM

I thought that I'd like it a lot more if I ever kissed someone I really liked, who was a good kisser, that it was them that was the problem.

3:29 AM

Actually, I know that for sure now.

3:30 AM

Not the part about kissing someone I really like. It's just that Karma's a really good kisser.

3:31 AM

Not too much tongue, not too much pressure but not too little either. Just sweet and slow and thorough (I'm not shuddering). Her lips were really, really soft (I can still feel them on mine, maybe I'm shaking a little, it was a good kiss!). Her breath was… well, peanut-buttery, which was annoying and which we'll definitely being having a conversation about at some point, but it smelled fresh, and she had this sour watermelon lip gloss that should have been awful but tasted really good.

3:32 AM

And she had her Karma smell, all eco-friendly perfume and overenthusiasm, and it was so familiar but so… in my entire nose and lungs and existence. She was surprised at first, but after a second her hands caught my arms and she was, like, tracing these little circles with her thumbs, and it just… it felt good, whatever.

3:33 AM

Her face… I bet I know Karma's face better than my own, I've spent a lot more time looking at Karma than in mirrors, but that moment I opened my eyes, the look on Karma's face…

3:34 AM

Looking at Karma the second after we stopped kissing felt like…

3:35 AM

Waking up from a dream.

Not just any dream, though. One of those dreams where I'm actually convinced I'm awake, that my eyes are open and I'm out in the world doing stuff. A dream that it's really hard to shake off because I can't accept that I'm not already up, and where I'm always confused for a minute when I do wake up because the world isn't like it was in my head and a lot of things I truly believed were real a second ago just aren't. It felt like that.

3:36 AM

When Karma fucking winked at me, after I thought we were feeling the same thing, whatever it was… I don't think I've hurt like that since the first time Dad didn't bother to call on my birthday.

3:37 AM

And this time there was no Karma to make me feel better by making sure I gorged myself on cake and playing video games with me.

3:38 AM

It felt like someone reached into my chest and squeezed my heart until it popped like a little kid's balloon.

3:39 AM

She didn't feel it at all.

3:40 AM

I don't know what exactly it is that I'm feeling, or what I want her to feel.

3:41 AM

This is so stupid. Why can't I just sleep?

XXX

3:53 AM

It can't possibly be 8:53 already, can it? Oh, wait, no. Still. Fuck.

XXX

3:59 AM

What if I am a lesbian?

4:00 AM

What if Mom hates me?

4:01 AM

What if my step-father hates me?

4:02 AM

What if my step-father kicks me out of the house?

4:03 AM

What if my step-father wants to kick me out of the house, and Mom won't let him, and he leaves her, and Mom hates me for breaking up her marriage?

4:04 AM

I still think Mom blames me for Dad leaving sometimes.

4:05 AM

This is ridiculous. It was one really good kiss, and I'm freaking out like my entire life's changed all of a sudden. Get it together, Raudenfeld. You're not even a lesbian.

XXX

4:21 AM

Maybe Karma's just the best kisser in the world. She could be. I get it now, why people rely on lame clichés like "fireworks" and "seeing stars" to talk about a really good kiss. I don't think that anyone could actually describe the way I felt in words, the completeness, the heat in it. I felt like my whole body was exploding, and I felt totally calm and natural and almost… relieved? Relieved.

It was perfect.

4:22 AM

She was perfect. Everything she did in that moment was perfect.

4:23 AM

Karma's lips.

4:24 AM

Karma's mouth.

4:25 AM

Karma's tongue.

4:26 AM

Karma's body shifting under my fingers.

4:27 AM

Karma's hands on my arms.

4:28 AM

Karma's hands other places.

4:29 AM

Karma.

4:30 AM

Karma saying "whoa."

4:31 AM

Karma fucking winking at me and saying "way to sell it!"

XXX

4:51 AM

What sucks, more than almost anything (well, not more than almost anything, everything about this sucks pretty hard) is that I really just want to talk to Karma about this.

4:52 AM

After all, this is, like, what you have a BFF for, isn't it? To be there for you when you have a crisis? Karma may be totally lost in her own drama a lot of the time, but she's always risen to the occasion when I really needed her.

4:53 AM

She was there when my dad left. When I embarrassed herself on national television (although again, "yo-yo routines are never going to be cool" would have been a great thing to bring up earlier). When my mom started dating this douchebag with his ugly little mustache (I don't know why he even thinks that looks good) and his Satanic Christian daughter and it became obvious it was for real.

4:54 AM

And she's always there for the every day stuff, too. For when I needed someone I could trust to talk about things like shaving and jobs and how to dress and school and tampons and summer camps and masturbating and how I'm scared to try new things and boys and Mom pressuring me and how uncomfortable I feel in church sometimes and… God, whatever. There's nothing I can't talk about with Karma.

4:55 AM

Until now. This is going to be a pretty big thing that I can't talk to Karma about.

4:56 AM

"Hey, you know how we're faking being lesbians? Surprise, I was faking faking it! I'm a big lesbigay, and I'm lesbigay for you!" Ha.

4:57 AM

"So, what do you think? I need your advice. Why are you staring at me like that?"

4:58 AM

"Why do you look so scared? Where are you going?"

4:59 AM

"Please, come back, I need you, please!"

5:00 AM

Come on, knock it off. This is Karma. She's my best friend. She wouldn't reject me, even if I was.

5:01 AM

This is so stupid. I'm not. I'm just not.

5:02 AM

I don't know why I can't just shut my mind off and sleep.

XXX

5:06 AM

I wonder if Liam liked the way Karma's sour watermelon lip gloss tasted, too.

XXX

5:18 AM

When we were 12, we were shopping and trying on these dresses that were way too expensive for us and giggling loud enough that the teenage clerk busily refolding clothes nearby was clearly about to lose his patience and kick us out, and I had just put on this purple heart print dress to show Karma and I remember her getting this really strange look on her face and I asked her what her damage was and she just said "nothing, you're just so beautiful."

5:19 AM

I remember because she was the first person who ever told me that who I really believed.

5:20 AM

When we were six, we were watching Spongebob together and I started telling her this really elaborate story I had come up with in my head about how Spongebob and Patrick became friends and I just stopped halfway through because I had been talking so long, and Karma asked me why I stopped talking and I told her "it's nothing, it was just stupid" and she said "but I want to hear what you have to say."

5:21 AM

I remember that because she's the only person who ever told me that who I really believed.

XXX

5:28 AM

I could be bi. I mean, that's a thing. You don't hear much about it, but it's a thing.

5:29 AM

And I could be bi or lesbian and not in love with Karma.

5:30 AM

Have I ever been attracted to other girls?

5:31 AM

I can't keep any other girl in my head right now besides her.

5:32 AM

I wonder how much easier this would be if I'm gay and don't have a thing for Karma.

5:33 AM

I could be none of this stuff. Everything could be the same. I could just be being stupid.

5:34 AM

I'm so stupid all the time. I don't know anything. I didn't even know how to convince Shane that I wasn't a lesbian. Ran the hell away from him. Could have avoided this whole thing and been asleep right now.

5:35 AM

Six words. "Dude. Listen. Not a lesbian. Sorry."

5:36 AM

"Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just not."

5:37 AM

Why did I run away? Why did I just flee, why was that my instinct? What even was that?

5:38 AM

Why the hell did I let myself get put in this position? Why can't I ever stand up for myself?

5:39 AM

With Shane, with Mom, all the time with Karma. I could have just said no, too, insisted on finding another way to get popular, or just shouted down Shane when he first announced we were lesbians to everyone. I knew this was a bad idea from the beginning, and I just let it all happen. I'm such an idiot.

XXX

5:51 AM

No, you know what? It's not my fault. It's Lauren's. Her stupid crack about the Isle of Lesbos or whatever. She started this whole thing.

5:52 AM

Lauren's been calling us lesbians and dykes and referring to Karma as 'your girlfriend' since the moment they met. It's so obnoxious.

5:53 AM

Always that snide little "oh, going to spend another night in with your girlfriend? Stuffing your face with popcorn and carpet?" "Love the overalls. Are you just fashion challenged, or does Karma have a thing for farmgirls?" "I don't know how you can stand going so long without a manicure, oh, wait, do you have to check with Karma about how long your nails can get?" She's such a bigot, so hateful, so mean for no reason whatsoever.

5:54 AM

I've never done anything to her. I don't understand why Mom can't see it, why she likes her so much.

5:55 AM

Really, the first time they met. 'Karma! It's so nice to meet you. I'm happy Amy found a girlfriend who's as much of a freak as she is! Clearly you're the girl in the relationship, though.'

5:56 AM

It reminds me of Shane, asking who went under the covers first. Creeper perv. Like that'd be something I'd talk about with a total stranger at a party even if we were.

5:57 AM

It's not like Lauren even really believes we're together. She… well, not outed, but she told everyone we weren't.

5:58 AM

Are we still mocking the gay rights movement if I'm gay?

5:59 AM

I have no idea why Lauren picked that out as her thing to torture me about. I never really thought about it.

6:00 AM

I mean, Karma makes me happy. Lauren doesn't like anything that makes me happy.

6:01 AM

Karma makes me really happy.

6:02 AM

Forget the toothbrush. Wonder how Lauren would feel about having blue hair for Homecoming. Or maybe purple.

6:03 AM

Plausible deniability would be the key… I'd have to say I was thinking about going purple, put the dye in a bottle that looks like Lauren's shampoo.

6:04 AM

I wonder if I'd look good with purple hair.

6:05 AM

I wonder if Karma would like it.

6:06 AM

That, at least, I can talk to Karma about.

XXX

6:14 AM

I'm not. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. I know who I am, and it'd be fine, it'd be okay, I'm just… not.

6:15 AM

I can't be.

6:16 AM

It's not fair.

6:17 AM

She's my best friend.

6:18 AM

She's part of me.

6:19 AM

I don't want her like this.

6:20 AM

I don't want any of this.

6:21 AM

It's not fair.

6:22 AM

I'm so tired.

XXX

7:12 AM

"Why do you always have to call so early? No, of course I wanna talk to you, but it's like 7:00 in the morning. No… no, I slept fine, Kar-Kar. Shut up, you know you love it when I call you that. Oh my god, shut up, I was not! Yeah… we were pretty cool back in the day, weren't we? Kinda wish we could go back to that sometimes."