DISCLAIMER: I do not own Redwall or any of the characters. They belong to Brian Jacques.

This is my first real fanfiction story. It's a parody and therefore supposed to be funny. Review it if you want.

It was a cold winter morning. A tough looking mouse with a sword on his back walked along the path toward the castle. It was an old red sandstone thing that had fallen into disrepair, and it was occupied by vermin.

And slaves.

A low ranking rat and one of the guard Captains watched from inside the building. The low ranking rat was standing behind a flak machine gun (don't ask me what it's doing in this story).

"Should I blow his head off, chief?" asked the rat.

"No, wave to him."

"Why? He's an enemy!"

"We need more slaves. Hold your fire."

"Aw, whatever."

Without warning the rat pulled the trigger, sending a hail of bullets toward the mouse.

Martin dived swiftly behind a rock as a hail of bullets came raining down. He waited a few minutes, then continued along the path.

In the castle, Kotir, Verdauga Greeneyes lay in bed, terribly ill. Nearby, a fox and another wildcat conversed.

"So, have you done it, Fortunata?" asked the wildcat.

"Yes, Lady Tsarmina, I have," Fortunata pointed at a Rube Goldberg contraption hung on the ceiling.

Suddenly the doors burst open and two rats came in, dragging Martin behind them.

One of the rats said, "We got attacked by a group of mice, but we could only capture this one."

"No, we found this one sleeping by the roadside." The rat received a kick from the other rat.

Verdauga yelled rather hoarsely, "Throw him in prison!"

"Aye, aye, sir!"

Just then another cat came in. "Why are you sending the mouse into prison?"

"Shut your trap, Gingivere," replied Tsarmina.

"Now be a good little pussy cat and don't be so mean to your brother. I'm going for a drink of water," Verdauga said.

He stepped out of the bed, right onto a pedal, which pulled a string attached to a domino. The domino fell over, but nothing happened.

"FORTUNATA! How many times have I told you, dominoes go small side DOWN. Ah well, I'll just have to do it the hard way."

Tsarmina stabbed Verdauga with a small dagger. Fortunata began to scream incomprehensible babble and the whole horde rushed in.

"Murder, murder! Verdauga's been murdered!" yelled an er... damaged pine marten named Ashleg, the second in command. "Who did this!"

Gingivere pointed at Tsarmina.

Tsarmina pointed at Gingivere, blood dripping from her finger.

Fortunata pointed at Ashleg.

Ashleg pointed at himself.

"Hmmm, tough call. I'm guessing... Gingivere! Hail Queen Tsarmina!"

"Throw him in prison and forget about him. Don't give him food or water... no give him a little."

The winter was long for Martin, but in early spring he gained a cell mate.

Gonff the mousetheif was thrown in prison for stealing food. He quickly made friends with Martin.

Halfway through spring, Gonff said to Martin, "I think we can escape, matey."

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EARLIER, YOU USELESS LUMP OF SLIME! Ah never mind, get on with it!"

Gonff replied, "We crawl out that hole right there, then walk through the hole in the wall.

That's how they escaped. They weren't noticed, and made their way to a place called Brockhall.

Coming in chapter 2- Happy Pills and Gonff's Clothing Catches Fire