Joey: Well, its about time I came back to Zelda eh? Well here we go, its time I attacked the best game of all time! Mwuaha! Mike! Do the disclaimer!
Mike: Well, at least I got my vacation…
Disclaimer: Joey does not own anything that he puts in this story, what else do I have to say? If I forgot something just don't sue us…
Chapter one: A great Start…
Deku Tree: Navi… come hither…
Navi: No!
Deku Tree: Navi I said…
Joey: (Cuts in from off screen) Wrong script!
Navi: Wait. What?
Joey: (Walks on screen) I said it was the wrong script… this is Twilight Princess…
Navi: So I came out here for no reason?
Joey: Yea… pretty much. It looks like I'm going to have to kill you off.
Navi: Kill me off?! Can't I just leave?
Joey: No! (Points his arm cannon at Navi) I have to kill you. You know too much already.
OOT Link: (walks in from off screen) Ill take care of this! (eats navi)
Joey: Thank you Link.
OOT Link: My pleasure.
Joey: Now about the deku tree. (Arm cannon changes to Plasma Form)
Deku Tree: (Runs away)
Nick: (now standing next to Joey) What the hell?
Joey: I was about to say the same thing.
Nick: Well I can see we have started this story out with utter incompetence.
Joey: Yea… Justin! We need the Ordon setting!
(The crashing of metallic objects is heard in the background)
Justin: (From off screen) Sorry! My bad!
Joey: Wow… such a great start.
Nick: Ill go help him. (Walks off)
Mike: (who is next to Joey) Can't you just use your author powers to change the setting?
Joey: Bah, what do I pay you people for?
Nick: (also off screen now) You pay us?
Joey: Oh yea (chuckles) that's right, I'm poor as hell. Oh well. (Snaps and the setting changes to Ordon Woods, at the spring just outside town where Illia washes epona)
OOT Link: So, what do you need me for now? Another adventure to save Hyrule and eventually getting Zelda in bed?
Joey: That's funny… I don't ever remember that. But, no, actually in this game Zelda doesn't seem to like you all that much.
OOT Link: Oh really? Do I get some sort of woman at least?
Joey: Yea as a matter of fact. But not you, we need the much better looking, older Link.
Nick: (Walks up) You called?
Joey: Not you, we need the link in the green tunic and sock hat.
Nick: oh… (Walks off, and comes back wearing a green tunic, tights, and a sock hat) Alright, I'm ready now!
Joey: No god damn it, your first name has to be link!
Nick: Oh… hey you asshole! You just told all the readers my name!
Joey: No I didn't, you did.
Nick: Aww goddamn it!
Justin: (also comes in from off screen) Haha, you dumb ass.
Nick: Yea well shut up Justin Smith!
Justin: Hey! Justin is one of the most common names in the world, and Smith is the most common last name ever! This could be my alias for all you know!
Joey: Link, just go, we'll find the real Link.
OOT Link: Yea, whatever, cya (walks off)
(A few minutes later)
Joey: (Standing infront of Links tree house) Shit! We are late! Lets go guys!
Nick: (walking just behind Joey) Sorry man, its in my nature. (looks at links tree house) Why the hell does link always lives in a tree? I mean he's the savior of Hyrule and he lives in a tree! He can't live in the castle or something?
Justin: Ya know, that is a very good question.
Joey: Let's hurry up guys, I don't know how far link has gotten by himself.
(in Ordon Village)
Joey: Hmm, Hey! Over there, he's fishing! (points across the water at Link, who has already gotten the fishing pole)
Nick: Wow, this Link can actually do something without Joey having to help him.
(They walk over to Link, who has a cat skewered on a stick over a fire)
Joey: Link… what the hell?
Link: Who are you? (Looks over Joey) Nice armor.
Joey: Thanks, but why are you cooking a cat?
Link: Huh? Oh, I eat cats.
Joey: That's gross! Why don't you just eat the fish?
Link: Eat fish?! How barbaric!
Joey: You're eating a cat for gods' sake!
Justin: Ill bet he'd like Chinese food.
Joey: So, how are we supposed to give the lady her cat back?
Link: Oh, I saved some for her, don't worry.
Joey: Wow… I was hoping I wouldn't have to do so much in this story. (Snaps and another cat appears)
Link: Whoa! You can conjure food!
Mike: No, that's his author powers!
Link: Author powers?
Nick: Yea dude, this is a story all made up by us.
Link: No way, this can't be a story.
Nick: Yea, keep thinking that.
Joey: C'mon link, we have to go give the lady her cat back, so you can get the slingshot.
Link: Oh yea, those little brats wanted to see it.
The cat follows link to the house and it goes inside the cat door.
(Link and Co. enter the shop)
Shop Lady: (A/N I can't remember the lines from the game, don't flame) I think I'm feeling well enough to sell again. The Cat even brought a fish home! He was worried I would be angry! Here, take some of this milk. (gives link the bottle of milk)
Link: Alright, how much for the Slingshot?
Shop Lady: 50 rupees Link.
Link: Alright, here. (hands the lady 50 rupees)
Shop Lady: Heres the slingshot, I hope you don't plan on causing trouble with it!
Link: oh no, im just going to go and torture your children… I mean, show them how cool it is!
(They quickly leave the shop and head towards Links house)
Joey: So link, how would you like to come with us and help us save hyrule?
Link: Save hyrule? Is it in any danger? Besides, I can't, my house has Termites!
Nick: Maybe that's because you live in a fucking tree?
Link: You know, that could be why, but I've never really thought about it.
Nick: It's pretty clear you don't think about much.
Link: Yea…
Rusl: Hey link! (Whispers) I've uhh, delivered the stuff…
Link: really? All right, thanks.
Rusl: No prob. (walks off)
Joey: Well that's a bit different.
Talo, Malo and Beth are waiting outside links house.
Link: Oh god, I hate those kids so much… Just sneak by them. go! go! go!
They sneak past the kids who are still waiting on Link.
Inside links tree house.
Joey: Wow, its roomy in here.
Nick: Its nice… for a tree… why the hell do you live in a tree link?
Link: The rents cheap.
Nick: That could also be because of the termites.
Link: Eh oh well. Ah, here is the thing rusl brought me (opens the chest and pulls out a wooden sword)
Joey: A Wooden Sword? Wood? What the hell… how's that supposed to hurt anything?
Link: It's actually pretty strong.
Mike: That's a little odd.
(they exit links house)
Talo: Hey! Its link!
Link: Aww crap…
Beth: Is that a sword? Wow! Link, can you show us how to use a sword? Please?!
Link: Sure… just hold still a moment (draws his sword)
Malo: Not on her, on the scarecrow!
Joey: (looks at malo) AHHHHHH, EVIL SHOP BABY!!!! (starts screaming and running in circles)
Nick: Is Joey okay?
Mike: He really hates Malo.
Link: (Has utterly destroyed the scarecrow with his wooden sword)
Talo: Wow! That was awesome! Now I can go and beat those monkeys!
Nick: Beating a monkey? Sounds kinda fun…
The Children Run Off
Link: Well now what?
Joey: Lets go talk to the mayor!
Link: Why? I hate him.
Mike: You seem to hate a lot of people.
Link: Yea, this village pisses me off.
On the way to the mayors house
Justin: Hey! A Cucco! PET! (runs up to the Cucco and picks it up and runs back, petting its head)
Nick: Wow…
Link: Get that thing away from me!
Justin: But… but… why?!
Link: I have ECD…
Joey: Really?
Link: Yes.
Joey: What's ECD?
Link: Explosive Cucco Disorder.
Mike: And that does?
Link: If I touch a cucco… I explode.
Justin: That's awesome! (Throws the Cucco on link)
Link: (explodes, bursting into flames) Gah! Son of a bitch! (Jumps in the stream, steam rises up out of the water)
Justin: Wow. He wasn't lying.
Link: (All wet now) What did you do that for you ass?!
Justin: That was really cool.
Link: Its painful! Now I have to find another heart…
Mike: Stop bitching, you'll find one.
(At the mayors house)
Link: Hey mayor guy. What's up?
Mayor: Not much homie, keeping it on the down low.
Joey: What the hell did he just say?
Fado: (from the ranch) Look out! In coming!
A goat comes running down the path at Link
Link: (jumps infront of the goat and grabs its horns, wrestling it to the ground)
Nick: Bah, Amateur.
Fado: Here comes another!
Nick: (jumps infront of the goat this time, grabbing it by the horns and throwing it back at the ranch)
Up at the ranch
Fado: Wow, I don't know how they keep getting away. (Gets covered in shadow) What the… (Looks up) Oh what the hell… (Gets smashed by the goat that nick threw back into the ranch)
Link: Well this was a waist of time, I can't understand anything the mayor is saying.
Joey: Yea… me neither, lets just go back to your house.
Link: Yea.
(Back at links house)
Nick: Why are we going back and forth? Isn't there some kind of story line we should be following?
Joey: Oh yea, somewhat.
Colin is waiting outside the gate.
Link: Oh hey Colin, I hate you slightly less than the other kids.
Colin: Link! I need you're help!
Link: (sighs annoyed) What is it now?
Colin: The other kids ran off into the woods after the monkeys! I think they are in trouble.
Link: Can't we just let the monkeys eat them?
Colin: Though it is a tempting thought, it wouldn't be the right thing to do.
Link: Since when have I ever done the right thing?
Colin: Good point. Still, you should go and save them.
Link: I don't have a choice here do I?
Colin: No not really.
Joey: C'mon link, we have to go save the children.
Link: (sighs again) Lets get this over with.
End chapter one.
Joey: Yea, its pretty much been a bunch of mindless babbling and going ot random places, but the beginning of TP is kinda boring anyway, the humor will pick up eventually. Leave a review! Fuck the flames!