Title: Without a Sound
Word Count: 1,353
Rating: PG-13
Warnings/Spoilers: Possible Spoilers through Season Six
Summary: She had left and been left so many times in her life that she knew without a shadow of a doubt that tears wouldn't help.
Official Disclaimer: All One Tree Hill characters and plots belong to Mark Schwan and the CW. I do not hold stock either the man or the company. I also do not own SHEdaisy's Without a Sound
This wasn't what she had planned for her life.
The door never slammed behind him, signaling the end that she had known was coming all along. And for the fiftieth time that night, she was thankful that there were no little eyes or little ears to witness the silent argument or the destruction that was their lives.
The discussion had started as most did. She couldn't remember what it was that had bothered him this time, or what she was supposed to have done. There was just a brief moment after he had asked about the children that she realized that after his next few words, her life was never going to be the same.
Everything had been decided before he had even made it through the door after a long day of work. His voice was calm as he talked about housing arrangements and custody agreements. It was almost as if the lawyer that he wrote about in his newest book all day had followed him home to litigate his wife. It would have been comical if it hadn't meant that yet again, she had missed the signs.
When he turned on his heel to leave, she didn't allow herself to cry. She had left and been left so many times in her life that she knew without a shadow of a doubt that tears wouldn't help.
They couldn't wash the pain away.
So instead she did what she did best, compartmentalized the pain and began to disassociate from her life. She turned herself into a case file, making sure that everything was trapped in the back of her head before getting off the floor and moving to the phone.
I pull the covers 'cross the bed
I tuck away the thoughts in my head
And I live behind closed doors
Knowing I will always love you more
Her first call was to her children, granting them the permission they wanted to spend another night at their aunts. And when she spoke to her sister-in-law, she didn't mention that he had just walked out on her and the children. She didn't bring up the fact that he had once again made a decision without consulting anyone.
At thirty-one years old she would have thought that whoever upstairs was in charge of her destiny would have decided that she deserved a break. That somewhere along the way she wouldn't have to fight an up hill battle for everything in her life.
She'd made lists. Meticulous and careful lists describing what would go with her and what would stay; what she would have to buy two of so the kids wouldn't have to do without and what was probably better thrown away. She had been offered the house, if "offered" meant he'd told her he would be out before the end of next week. She'd told him in not so many words to keep the place. She never wanted the seven acres in the beautiful Tree Hill hills to begin with. But with his new editor based out of Raleigh it seemed like the reasonable thing to do at the time. She could find something else far away from the parties and the excitement. For a brief moment she considered Charlotte.
She'd only thought of the children twice that night.
After all, this was their life she was destroying; their life that she had to find a way to make perfect again before she picked them up in two days. How do you tell a six year old and her four year old brother that Daddy left Mommy and you have to move?
It turned out to be easier then she thought.
And I won't fall apart
I won't lie in pieces on the ground
I won't fall apart
If we say it all without a sound
He'd been at a book signing the weekend she'd moved out.
She bought herself a house. It was the first thing she'd done for herself in almost eight years. Four bedrooms, two and a half baths. A big enough yard for her children to be able to play without problem even when they got older. She'd already bought the soccer goal. Two kids, one dog, all hers to take care of while he got off scott free.
All she'd taken was the kids' toys, some of their clothes and her half of the closet. She left everything else. Let him clean up what used to be their marriage. She'd made copies of most of the photos. He could keep the originals. It was the memories she wanted. Pictures with Santa went on the mantle, school shots hung in the hall way.
She'd let her best friend decorate her new place. Pinks and purples in the kitchen. Red and blues in the living room. It looked like Candy Land got the crap kicked out of it in her home and it took her a week and a half to fix it.
She'd kept the color scheme in the living room and her room. Deep rich colors that burst out and showed how truly unhappy she was. As the pain subsided, she would redecorate, but for now, this was her mood.
The kids rooms were easier.
Only their favorites for her children. Basketball and sports cars for her youngest. Kay-Ray deserved only the best of what he loved and none of what he didn't. There were two large murals painted on either side of the room, and they complimented each other perfectly. Penelope, her oldest, was the typical girl. Flowers and dolls and bookshelves galore. Her bedtime story favorites included anything written by her father.
They would have to compromise for a while on that one.
If we could last another day
Filled with nothing left to say
I will know I've loved my best
Then maybe I could put my heart to rest
She'd sworn that memory faded, but it didn't.
She remembered every detail of their life together. A life she was now packing into boxes and divvying up between what was his and what was hers. She wouldn't allow herself to dwell thought. She knew it wasn't meant to last.
Happiness never lasted for someone like her.
So she focused off of her energy on her children. She was a hell of a good mother, she would be damned if she stopped just because their father was an ass. She was also hell of a business woman, someone who could work from home and was willing to pick up a business partner to take the out of town business. No one was surprised when Deb stepped up to help with that one.
She was determined to make this work. Not only for her children, but for herself.
Her father had been a single parent. She could be too.
And I won't fall apart
I won't lie in pieces on the ground
I won't fall apart
If we say it all without a sound
She didn't date.
That was her first rule.
Her brother moved in after his 2nd tour of Iraq. Someone to help her remember basketball tryouts and which kid had which bake sale. It had become a joke around the house to see what she could remember and what she would forget.
She'd never tell him, but she was very glad that he had decided to help her.
She'd learned that the only people she could count on were family.
There was one thing she never let her brother do for her.
Friday afternoons were a tradition that was rarely ever broken. She was home early, making dinner and double checking duffle bags. She snuck a pillow off of one bed and a stuffed puppy from the other. She packed snacks between checking e-mails and folding clothes to add to her son's bag.
Friday afternoons meant seeing their father.
And even if they were living worlds apart, she'd never give that up.
If I could make the sun rise a little too slow
To keep from hearing what I already know
I will live behind closed doors
Knowing I will always love you more
fin.
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