Title: Merely Existing
24.
There has been a key
for every lock you've picked
& when you picked the locks
the keys lost all their weight.
Dean leaves the motel room for a moment, just a second to get something from the Impala, and when he returns there's a box of kittens on his bed next to his duffel bag. Dean almost doesn't see Castiel waiting for him next to the door when he closes it behind him.
"Jesus," Dean says, inhaling sharply, "did you bring those kittens here, Cas?"
"I did," Castiel grins wildly – which Dean still hasn't gotten used to yet – and crosses the room, kneeling down in front of the box. "I'd very much like to keep one, Dean."
Dean grumbles, leaning his back against the door. Castiel turns his head a bit, still smiling. It breaks Dean's heart each time because he knows how his Castiel was, how little emotion he would show unless he was drunk or high. Seeing Castiel like this all the time doesn't make it any easier to forget that one Dean met in the future. That one his future-self sacrificed.
But Dean didn't ask Castiel to take on all of Sam's crazy; he never would have if he knew he'd be dealing with someone who's almost a stranger now. This Castiel isn't all here; he doesn't care about consequences because he can't. And even if he could, he refuses to deal with anything, isn't equipped to anymore. It's as though he's shut down his emotions, as odd as that sounds considering he laughs and smiles so much, and only looks to what is acceptable.
Castiel takes a grey and white kitten in his hands, looking over at Dean, "I'd like to keep this one."
It's been a month since Dean has discharged Castiel from the hospital, but it's times like these when Dean wonders if it was too soon. Maybe Castiel would have been better in there, coming and going as he pleased, in a safe and peaceful atmosphere. Far away from Leviathans and hunting–and Dean.
Sam's been amazing. He hasn't been hallucinating, he's been on Dean's case about eating right, he's been sleeping better than he ever has, and, most importantly, he's been keeping Castiel under his wing. Dean can only take Castiel's company for so long – not because he doesn't love him, of course he does, Castiel's family – because seeing his once-guardian like this really isn't a pleasant experience.
Castiel is just as powerful as he always was, if not more, but he will not participate, refuses to harm anything even if it means his own demise. He doesn't have the survival instincts he used to, and it scares the shit out of Dean, knowing that one day he could come back to find Castiel dead with his black wings spread across the hotel room floor with Crowley standing over him.
Maybe that image is what makes Dean agree.
"Fine, Cas," Dean sighs, "but just that one. We'll find the others a home."
Castiel's face lights up, and he rushes over to Dean, pulling him into a group hug with the kitten, squeezing it between their chests. "Thank you, Dean."
For the first time, Dean hugs Castiel back, wishing Castiel knew how insignificant this demand is compared to what Castiel has done for him and Sam. Dean would give Castiel anything in the world if he asked for it, but all he wants is a pet, and that's perfectly fine.
The End