Title: Maybe
Rating: T for language only
Author: tika12001 (aka Katie)
Summary: "You heard me! How dare you? How dare you stand there, and accuse me of not caring, when you didn't even tell me how you felt!"
Disclaimer: not mine, never will be, make no money, yada yada yada.
Author's note: insomnia rages on. But I found this prompt I had saved a while back (just a random sentence... a slight variation on the summary sentence) and this came about. As I am writing this on about, oh, I dunno... maybe 5-6 hours sleep over the past three days, I honestly have no clue if it's passable or not, so please let me know. :-D
R&IR&IR&I
"You never cared." The words were spit out in anger and Jane blinked, unsure of how she'd made it here... unsure as to why a night that was meant to be relaxed, fun, comfortable... had turned into such a debacle. Unsure as to how Maura had made it so close to the door of Jane's condo, so close to leaving... without Jane being any the wiser.
"I always cared, Maura. About you, always," she finally whispered, keeping her tone soft this time, hoping to... well, she wasn't exactly sure. Hoping to turn this night back into something that was still salvageable perhaps?
Maura laughed, and Jane's heart seemed to turn to stone in her chest. The laugh... it wasn't Maura's usual joy filled giggle, nor even her hearty guffaw (that she always seemed so embarrassed about and that Jane could only coax out at rare moments) that she let out when something really tickled her. No, this laugh was derisive... mirthless. Jane stared helplessly. "You never cared about me, Jane. You never did."
How, Jane wondered bleakly, had a conversation about their futures gone so rapidly downhill? All she, Jane, had done was briefly mention Casey's name... and it was like she had lit a fire beneath Maura, and it was all Jane could do to try to contain it. It was, she mused sadly, a battle she seemed to be quickly losing. "I did, Maura, and... and I don't even understand what we're arguing about!" There, she had said it. "I don't know what I did wrong!"
Instead of reacting angrily, as Jane had expected, Maura seemed to... deflate. Rapidly, like a balloon that had been punctured. And even as Jane instinctively stepped forward to try to help – she would patch Maura's balloon, she would, even if it meant being yelled at again – Maura stepped back, and looked up at her, so sadly that Jane felt her previously stony heart begin to melt. Perhaps it was not stone then, before, but ice... and Maura was her fire...
Rather than reflect on that thought, Jane simply took one tiny step forward once more. Emboldened by the fact that Maura remained in place, she took another one, and another one until she was finally within reach of Maura. Still moving achingly slowly, she moved her hands up until they hovered just above Maura's shoulders – Jane did not have the courage to make contact just yet. "Please tell me," she whispered.
Maura looked up, and Jane felt herself break when she noticed the tears that filled her eyes. The ice... or stone... or whatever it was, it didn't make up her whole heart, did it? It only made the armour. But every shield has a weakness, a fatal flaw... and Maura was it for her. Maura could always get beneath her defences. "You became someone else with him."
Jane blinked. "I was still me." She didn't understand. She was still herself when she was with Casey... wasn't she? She was still a cop, she still did her job... admittedly, she had felt a lot guiltier for doing it when she was with him. But she was still Maura's best friend... even if she hadn't actually spent much time with Maura. Feeling like a lightbulb had gone on over her head, Jane broke into a grin. "Oh, Maura! I would never have forgotten you! You're my best friend! I'm sorry I was spending so much time with Casey but..."
The look of cold fury was back on Maura's face and Jane, whose hands had finally succumbed to the forces of gravity and landed on Maura's shoulders, quickly whipped her hands back again, folding them awkwardly in front of her.
"Um... that is what it was about, right?" she finally asked, when Maura's stony silence seemed to be ongoing. She winced as Maura growled, the soft sound cutting through the sound of traffic that filtered in through Jane's window, the muffled noise coming from the quieted TV.
"I'm not a child, Jane."
"I never said you...!"
"You didn't have to." Maura's voice was cold, so cold that Jane felt herself shiver involuntarily. "What I don't understand..." Maura whispered now, and her voice had changed... it was broken, shattered, cold but in a different way. Her voice sounded lonely, somehow, and Jane felt her whole soul ache at the concept, "is why you chose him..." Maura looked up, the look on her face telling Jane that she was steeling herself for something, "when you could have so easily had me?"
Jane blinked. What? "What?" she asked blankly, and Maura shook her head, her face seeming to crumple in on itself as she attempted to hold back yet more tears, and Jane was still flabbergasted.
It was just a normal night. How had it turned into this?
"Maura... I..."
"You had to have known," Maura said, shaking her head sadly. "I tried to hide it but I never could. Everyone else knows."
Everyone? "Who's everyone?"
"But you still..." Maura continued, as though she hadn't heard. Perhaps she hadn't, "you still..." she shook her head. "I'm sorry, Jane. I can't listen to you lament on everything you missed out on with Casey, all because you love your job. I can't listen to you talk about how he selflessly sacrifices himself, and you should stop being so selfish..."
Jane blinked. She hadn't said that. Had she?
"I can't hear you talk about him, and I'm sorry, because I'm the one being selfish now." Maura shrugged helplessly. "And maybe I'm acting like a child, but, hey..." she raised one shoulder and looked at Jane sardonically, "at least I'm in good company."
"Are you saying I acted like a child when I was with him?" Jane blurted, the last part of Maura's statement the only one she could think of a comeback to.
Maura turned and opened the door, the handle, Jane realized with a sharp intake of breath, having been within an inch of her hand the whole time. She turned back to Jane slowly. "No. No, I suppose I'm not. I'm saying you became a different person with him. Someone I didn't know. Someone I didn't... someone I didn't like."
Jane reeled back, more hurt by that statement than anything she could have ever imagined.
"I'm sorry, Jane." The door was closing behind Maura when Jane seemed to unfreeze, her breath coming in sharp gasps as she wrenched her feet from the floor, bolting the two steps to the door that had begun to swing closed, blocking her from Maura. She pulled it open so forcefully that it smashed again the chest of drawers she had next to the door, but she didn't care, she simply ran out into the hall and looked around desperately. Maura was only five steps down, and Jane stared at her in shock, wondering if time had frozen because surely, surely it had been at least five years and half a second since Maura had left her place, surely Maura had enough time to get to China and barely enough time to make it down even one stair in that time? What even was time in this mixed up cacophony of noise and smells so familiar that it made Jane's insides ache, and sights so beautiful it made her want to tear up, and a person so delicately fragile and so unbelievably strong that Jane couldn't believe it? What even was it? Because Jane had no clue, and she was still processing their conversation and wondering if it was possible or was it just a dream, and what was time? Because surely she and Maura had been standing in the hall for more than a century now, but didn't her neighbours have jobs? Shouldn't she have seen them pass by? Or perhaps it was only a few seconds, because time didn't seem to matter and Jane didn't understand, and it was... it was...
"How dare you?"
It was Maura's turn to blink as Jane bounded down the stairs after her. "I... what?"
"You heard me! How dare you? How dare you... you stand there, and accuse me of not caring, when you didn't... you didn't even tell me how you felt!"
"I showed you, Jane!"
Jane flapped her hands. "Yeah, well... you know how you're a dumb genius? Did it ever occur to you that I might just be a detective without a clue? I mean, did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, I thought I was imagining things, and that... that you were just... you. Irresistible and undeniable and... and..." Jane stopped suddenly, her throat and mouth suddenly feeling as parched as the Sahara Desert, because... had Maura ever looked at her that way before? Like she thought Jane was sugar and spice and everything nice, and she just wanted to eat her up? Had she?
Well... yes, she had, hadn't she? So many times. And Jane had looked at her the same way.
"Fuck," Jane murmured, looking down at Maura who was nearly pressed along her body now, Jane leaning against the wall, her hands naturally finding their places at Maura's hips. "We really are idiots, aren't we?"
Maura bit her lip. "I guess so."
"Thank God we're fucking awesome at our jobs."
Maura looked up at her and didn't say anything. Jane felt some misgivings about her positioning and bit her lip anxiously.
"Um... so I'll promise not to talk about Casey again, and you'll promise..."
"To kiss you if you do?" Maura asked coyly, a faint pink blush spreading across her cheeks. "And if you don't," she added as an afterthought, and Jane grinned, her hands settling even more securely on the curvy hips in front of her own.
"Deal."
"Deal."
Jane bit her lip. "So... are we just gonna stand here, or..."
"I'm waiting," Maura murmured.
Jane frowned. "For what?"
"For you to show me you care," Maura replied, her flush deepening as she looked up at Jane with endlessly colourful eyes, her hands rhythmically squeezing Jane's biceps as she looked up at her almost nervously.
And Jane thought that the stairwell to her condo building probably wasn't the most romantic place for a first kiss, and that Maura probably should be treated to a fine wine and dine experience before they even considered doing anything further... and while Maura wasdefinitely worthy of those things, Jane definitely didn't have the patience. So she leaned down and pressed her lips to Maura's, relishing in the way those pink lips opened beneath her own so willingly, loving those soft curves that filled her palms so perfectly, and when she finally pulled back and held her hand out to Maura to lead her back up to her door, and Maura eagerly assented, Jane thought that maybe Maura didn't have the patience either.
And maybe everything in their whole life together as friends had actually been foreplay.
And maybe Maura didn't need everything to be perfect, because she had Jane, the perfectly imperfect.
And maybe... Jane groaned silently... maybe her mother was right. Maybe she really would marry a doctor one day.
But, looking back at Maura, Jane thought she could handle the 'I told you so's' this once.
END
As always, I'd love to hear (uh, read) your thoughts so please leave a review if you don't mind. And as always, thanks for reading!
Love to all, Katie xoxo