Putting a Hit on a Hacker
By: Santana
Author's notes: This started as a little ditty in an IM between my sis and me. I tried to wipe out all of the tag lines and her comments. Hopefully I didn't miss anything. She always lures me into the dark side through IM. I've written more things that way. How do you think Keeping Thieves Happy was born? Well, this wasn't the first, and if she has her way it won't be the last. We are working on something together right now. Hopefully it will be a bit beefier …and it has a bit of Eliot whump. G I'm Southern…I say Whump instead of Whomp. Ha! Anyway, I needed another Eliot and Parker situation…so here it is…I love writing them. I hope you enjoy!
"What is that?" Parker asked, frowning.
Eliot held up a plate with a flourish, "Bowtie pasta with homemade Italian gravy...just like my ma used to make." Setting the plate down on the bar he added, "I even mixed in lots of cheddar cheese just for you." He smiled happily, but the smile soon turned into confusion at Parkers obvious pout. "What's wrong...You don't like pasta?"
"I wanted Chinese." She whispered, clicking her chopsticks together.
Eliot narrowed his eyes at her, and then looked around at his kitchen. It was a mess and there was no way he was going to start another dish tonight. He had been cooking this one all day, and it was late. Finally it hit him. He picked up the plate again, this time, with the same flourish; he said its name in perfect Chinese.
Parker perked up and smiled. "Whoa...that smells good...and so fast!" She started picking up the bowtie pasta with her chopsticks, and nodding her approval as she ate happily.
Eliot shook his head at the young thief. It seemed like a full time job keeping her happy and entertained...but he had to admit that it was worth it.
Sitting down beside her, with his own plate and the bread, he tossed her a piece of the garlic bread while saying its name in Chinese. Again she seemed pleasantly impressed.
When finished, she rubbed her belly, completely satisfied. Eliot too leaned back in his chair. He was too full to move. "You know...it's funny." She snorted softly to herself, capturing Eliot's attention.
"What's funny?" He asked, pushing a stray lock of hair behind his ear and giving her his full attention.
"You're a good cook and everything Eliot, but that really tasted like the pasta at Papa Joe's on 5th Street...and not so much like Chinese." She looked at him with a puzzled expression.
"It should taste like Papa Joes...it's my recipe." Eliot said with a proud grin.
Shocked, Parkers eyes widened. "Papa stole your recipe? You can't let him get away with that! You should do something!" She hopped down from the bar stool and started pacing the kitchen. "We should do something!"
Eliot laughed. "It's okay Parker."
"No Eliot, it's not ok...You're a retrieval specialist...you need to steal it back...oh wait...you can't, cause you already know it so it would be kind of stupid to steal something you already know...right?...right...okay...so we go in and we beat him up until he agrees to give you credit on the menu. Everyone should know that it's yours and not his." She stopped her pacing to stand in front of the still smiling Eliot. He couldn't believe how worked up she was getting.
"Calm down darlin', there's not a Papa Joe."
She smiled evilly, giving him her 'I'm on to you now' look. "You took him out? Good for you! That'll teach him to steal from Eliot Spencer!"
Looking suddenly uncomfortable, he tried to explain. "No Parker...You see, there never was a Papa Joe."
"Sure there was...he stole your recipe...then you killed him...snuffed him…put him in cement shoes and sunk him in the rivah." She said in her best mafia voice.
Feeling a familiar Parker induced headache coming on, Eliot winced. "Noooo...There never was a Papa Joe...I made him up."
Narrowing her eyes at Eliot, Parker put her hands on her hips and waited for an explanation.
"Look, I used some of my money...you know, from the first job we pulled together, to buy the place. It was a real wreck...I gutted the place myself and redid it. It took a long time but I finally got it where I wanted it. Then I hired the staff, and trained the cooks. I still go there and cook sometimes when I want to try out a new dish."
"Soooo...there's no Papa Joe?" Parker asked, with suspicion on her face.
"No...There is no Papa Joe." Eliot confirmed in a frustrated tone.
"Then who is the old man on the menu?" Parker asked, suddenly sure of herself.
Sighing heavily and feeling the throb in his head grow stronger..."It's nobody. Hardison drew him for me."
"Sure...if you say so. But you know, and I know, that Hardison doesn't just draw made up people...he draws people he knows."
Eliot walked over to one of the cabinets and pulled out a take out menu. "Look Parker...this is no one that I know." She snatched the paper menu from him and studied the picture for a moment and started laughing. "What...what's so funny?"
"You...You're Papa Joe." She snorted.
"Gimmee that!" Eliot looked closer at the picture, not seeing the resemblance at first.
"You're a little heavier...must be all of that yummy pasta you make, and...and..." again she snorted.
"Don't say it Parker." Eliot said in warning, seeing the direction the thief was going.
"You're ..." she giggled.
"I'm warning you!" He reached for her.
"Bald!" She quickly danced out of his reach.
"I'm gonna to kill him." Eliot mumbled, while still staring at the menu.
Meanwhile, Parker had made her way back to the pot. "Can I have more Chinese?"
Giving her his 'you're so weird' look he said, "Sure...knock yourself out." While pacing around the kitchen truly agitated. "He's not going to get away with this...Nate might have let him slide on the old man Leverage picture...but he ain't gettin' away with this ...no sir bubba."
Parker was now sitting on the counter top, plucking pasta out of the pot with her chopsticks, eating and enjoying the show. In between bites she offered. "You should run a con on him."
Eliot was still mumbling when she spoke. Her words sunk in slowly and suddenly he turned to her. "A con?"
She swallowed yet another bite. "Yeah, you know...trick him...Make him think someone is after him...I mean, besides you." She grinned, popping another bite into her mouth and smacking loudly.
Eliot pointed at her and started pacing again. "Yeah...I think you've got something there...I could freak him out...maybe leave a few things on his door step."
She perked up at that. "Like a dead goat?"
Stopping and shaking his head..."No Parker! I'm not killing anything here!"
"Ohh...I get it...like you didn't kill Papa Joe...Yeahhhhh..." she said as if she were keeping a secret.
"For the last time, I didn't kill Papa Joe...there isn't a Papa Joe..."
"Well for a guy who doesn't exist...he sure makes fantastic Italian Chinese." She popped more into her mouth and said "mmmmmmm" with her eyes closed.
"I need some aspirin." Eliot moaned, his head now throbbing, he made his way to another of his cabinets, the one he kept his first aid supplies in. Finally after finding what he wanted, way in the back, he filled a glass with water and quickly washed the aspirin down. Afterwards, he leaned against the counter with his glass of water still in hand. The expression on his face told Parker that he was working out the details of their little con.
"I'm helping right?" Parker asked hopefully.
"He didn't do anything to you." Eliot stated. "You don't have to get involved."
"Who said he had to do anything ...besides, I'm bored and this sounds like fun. With Nate in Jail, things are slow." She pouted.
"I could send him a note...but he knows my handwriting." The hitter said thoughtfully, trying to figure out how to start the game.
"Use a computer, and change the fonts. He would never suspect you of using a computer." Parker offered.
He looked a bit insulted at first but then realized she was right. "Good idea Parker."
She grinned. "I could go over to his place and say that I saw someone lurking outside."
"Yeah...we could leave some wrappers and cigarette butts out there like someone had been spending a lot of time watching his place."
Parker rubbed her hands together. "I could break into his place and plant stuff...you know he does a sweep for bugs and stuff at night right?"
"Really? No...I didn't know that. But yeah, that would really get him going if he found something."
"Ughh...I think I ate too much." Parker said suddenly, making a gagging noise.
"Hey...are you okay?" Eliot was instantly concerned for the young thief...she didn't look well at all.
"Yeah..." she burped, loudly."...I'm better. What's for desert?"
Eliot rolled his eyes.
The rest of the con was devised while eating strawberry cheesecake. Eliot used a fork, and of course Parker used chopsticks.
The end