Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, the characters or the storyline; I am merely someone that wishes I had thought of the concept myself.

Authors note: I have currently posted this story under trial circumstances to see what people think of it so if you are at all interested in seeing how this turns out review or message me and let me know. Criticism is always welcome but there's no need to be a wank about it. With that said I have almost finished writing the second chapter (A retrospective in Jasper's point of view) and I will post if so desired.

Chapter One

I hated birthdays, and after this one it was no surprise. Not only was I getting older as each second passed, as each hour ticked by too fast for my liking and the days progressed into months and years. No, not only that, but I'd managed to pay little to no caution to the fact that I had been in a house of vampires and allowed my clumsiness to get the better of me and turn the not quite wanted situation into a worst case scenario.

Edward had just dropped me off home after we'd argued in the truck the whole way. In my opinion he was being completely unreasonable even if some of the points he had were valid. I was furious he would even dare to suggest that this was his entire fault but I couldn't say I was surprised. He took the blame for everything; he always found a way to explain it to me as if it were really his fault. He didn't appreciate me disagreeing even though I was certain the points I had were equally as justified and correct as his. I should have been more careful and more sensitive towards the situation I was in. It wasn't his fault, or Jasper's fault, or Alice, Emmett's, Rosalie's, Carlisle's or Esme's fault that they were vampires but did Edward see the sense in that? Well if he did he had a funny way of showing it.

In the end I'd told him I didn't want him to stay. I was angry and Edward disagreeing with me only really put the icing on top of the cake that had been this day.

I maneuvered my way into my pajamas, trying not to cause myself any unnecessary pain and managed to do so mostly. I was sitting in the centre of my bed feeling horrible when I felt a wave of calm almost knock me right over.

I searched for the source instantly, knowing there was no way that the painkillers were having a backlash effect like that and sought out Jasper's presence in my room.

I wasn't angry or anything, I had wanted to speak to him and make sure he was okay, but Edward had insisted that he didn't think it was a good idea at all and I didn't want to fight with him so I didn't push it. He had been stressed enough as it was. Although now, pushing it might have been alright in retrospective.

"Sorry, that was a bit heavy, I didn't want you to freak out" Jasper explained evenly.

His eyes weren't black anymore, back to a gold shade, though still remarkably dark. I could at least tell he had hunted and was well in control of himself. He had to be if he still had the power to send a massive wave of calm at me.

"Are you okay? I'm really sorry about that, I should have been more careful. I mean what sort of idiot cuts themselves while they're opening a present?" I began; basically emitting the idea I had a speaking problem. I had a lot of things I wanted to say, but I couldn't decide which were the most important ones to say, nor gauge how Jasper would react to any of them.

Jasper shook his head at me and sighed out my name, "Bella, Bella, Bella," effectively shutting me up. "I almost kill you and you're the one apologizing, I can see what Edward meant when he said you had an interesting mind set."

Just the mention of Edward and what he thought of my mind set was enough to upset the calm Jasper had layered over me thickly. I unwontedly but quickly replaced it with anger, my cheeks turning red with the onslaught of frustration that rose in me.

Jasper was quick to apologize, misinterpreting my mood swing. "I'm sorry Bella; I didn't mean to upset you. I came here to apologize and make sure you were alright."

"Edward's just being ridiculous as per usual" I muttered, my eyebrows knitting together as I told him so. "He tried to tell me this was his fault, yeah, sure, sure."

I rolled my eyes just to add to the sarcasm that was dripping from my voice with plain recognition that I doubted Jasper could miss.

He chuckled softly and brushed his hair back from his eyes, resting them on me thoughtfully.

It was quiet for a moment. Sitting there with Jasper looking at me like that didn't make me as uncomfortable as I normally would have expected it to. If it had been Edward my emotions and thoughts would be running ragged trying to figure it out but being around Jasper was always relaxing (whether that was because of his ability or not I didn't care, I was very much open to being relaxed after today).

It was almost like he was looking straight at me, but he wasn't really focused on a particular point. He wasn't trying to figure me out or anything, he was just letting the atmosphere settle, letting me get used to his company. We had never been alone together really, the one time we had I had made a run for it to face James by myself. I'm sure Jasper was probably thinking about that now, he had a look of knowing in his eyes and a small smile flitted its way briefly across his face.

It weren't as if the whole James scenario was something we looked back on fondly, but there were definitely certain aspects of that scenario that proved to be fond to think about every once and a while.

"Bella, firstly I want to apologize for endangering you like that. I did my best to keep myself under control but you need to understand it's a lot harder for me then it is for the others. No one seems to take this into account but my lack of self control isn't because my diet used to be different, clearly, I am here now, alone with you and I could have my way with you if I wanted before any of them had a chance to stop me. The point is I can be around you, and of course your blood smells delicious, but I don't want to hurt you" Jasper began explaining, focusing now on my hands. "No one seems to realize that I don't just feel their emotions, I feel their thirst as well. Imagine no one having any confidence in you being able to change your ways and on top of that having to feel six other people's thirst as well as your own? I mean it's no surprise they think the worst will happen, I have a lot to contend with and I do fucking good considering.

"Emmett's slipped before and he only has to deal with his own, so any of them should be able to see that of course it's going to be harder for me. I don't blame them or anything, but it wouldn't kill them to be a little more understanding. Here you are the victim of what I have to deal with and you have shown more compassion for me than even my own wife."

I had never thought of Jasper's ability in its entire complex but as he laid the cards on table it was plain to see he was bound to have control issues. Seven times the normal amount of thirst, seven times more of his mind arguing against his better reason, seven times more bloodlust, a lot more things to outweigh the seven amounts of disappointment he undoubtedly would feel if he slipped up.

"Jasper, I never blamed you" I told him honestly. "Like I said I should have been more careful, I already felt bad because I knew you could feel my distress about the whole birthday situation, the very last thing I wanted to do was cause that to happen. Now everyone's all… fucked" I replied bluntly, not knowing what made me use the bold choice of words, though it seemed to amuse Jasper.

"Bold choice of words there Bella, but nonetheless true" he smirked, as if he had Edward's ability, and it actually worked on me.

I was slightly surprised, but not at all displeased when Jasper reached out and rested his hand on the gauze covering the stitches running the length of my wrist to my elbow.

"Don't try and tell me that it wasn't hurting, I can feel it" He stressed, rubbing the area soothingly, his cool touch relaxing the inflammation the injury had instantly. I shivered slightly as the coolness of his touch registered with the rest of me, but I didn't want him to stop, because I knew my cut would burn in fury if he took his hand away.

"Thank you" I told him quietly.

He dismissed the gesture with a wave of his hand.

"How is everyone?" I asked him, my eyes settling on his soft wispy curls as I did this.

He shrugged off handedly, "Disappointed. Alice the most, she felt guilty as well, I can't imagine why, it doesn't matter. Edward was of course furious, I'm not sure if that emotion was directed to myself or him, but again, it doesn't matter, I'll feel it regardless. He obviously feels terrible as well. Emmett and Rosalie were the nicest about it, they felt sorry for me, though I'm not sure that's any better really. Esme and Carlisle are understanding, but they can't hide their disappointment either. Speaking of which,

Why isn't Edward here?" Jasper questioned, looking around the room as if he expected Edward to just pop out.

I grimaced, "I sent him home."

Jasper didn't press the subject but I felt compelled to elaborate regardless. "He kept blaming himself and working at my nerves. I couldn't take it so I told him if he was going to spend the night feeling sorry for himself he might as well just go home instead of apologizing and trying to tell me I'd be better off with Mike Newton, and then I'd be able to lead a normal, human life."

Jasper nodded his head perceptively. "Edward is like some fucked up version of a Martyr sometimes. It's as if he believes that everything that happens anywhere whether it has anything to do with him or not is entirely his fault, like he actually honestly believes it. It's not an easy thing to put up with."

I shook my head in agreement easily. There were few faults in Edward that I could pick up on, but that was definitely on the list. I knew I loved him, but when he was acting like this it made it hard for me to begin to perceive how I could put up with him at all. Sometimes he was too selfless to a point that it was almost selfish that he wouldn't let me suffer the consequences of my own mistakes. But when he wasn't acting like this he was generally wonderful; there were very few things I'd change, and the only things I would change would be things that only really changed me.

Nobody was perfect, and although Edward excelled at almost everything he ever did I knew he was at a disadvantage with me. Him not being able to read my mind obviously affected the way he regarded me. I couldn't blame him for depending on an ability he'd had to deal with for so long, it was like asking him to walk on one leg, he could do it, but that wouldn't mean it was anymore comfortable to.

That was the main problem with Edward, his comfort levels. He didn't feel comfortable letting anyone take the blame when he could find a way to place it on himself, he wasn't comfortable kissing me much, and he wasn't comfortable even considering changing me so that our physical relationship wasn't a problem.

I didn't want to get changed just so we could have sex, that part of the transformations presentation of possibilities never really occurred to me much. I wanted to become a vampire so we could be one in the same, no limits to hold us back. I wanted to be able to kiss him and not worry about it, and I wanted him to be around me without having to keep himself in check. Mostly though, I just wanted to be with him as long as were possible, and eternity was possible if he'd only give in to the one want I had from him.

He wouldn't though. Just the subject made him angry, and although Alice was sure it was going to happen, Edward's continual rejection of the idea left me less than hopeful.

"Jasper" I spoke, to gain his attention, second guessing myself and what I was about to ask him. "If Alice was human and she wanted to spend eternity with you, would you change her? Or have her changed?"

Jasper smiled at me and waved his finger at me mockingly, "Edward and I are very different Bella. You can't ask me this question if you are only going to use the answer as an offence to Edward's decisions."

I shook my head rapidly, "No that's not it, I was just wondering if it was just Edward's way or if you would all want your mate to live a normal life and 'not be damned to this lifeless existence'" I answered him, using air quotes when appropriate.

He looked solicitous for a moment as he pieced his answer together carefully.

"If the woman I loved held the desire of being changed to spend the rest of eternity with me how could I turn that idea away? Ideally I am a selfish creature and I could agree without a second of consideration. Once I finally took the time to think about it I would realize that I needed to make sure she knew exactly what she was getting into, what she would be risking, what she would have to leave behind, and the compromises she would need to make. This life is not for everyone, and there are a lot of human things you will miss when they are no longer available to you" Jasper all but whispered to me, his touch getting lighter, warning me that he was weaning me off from his anesthetic slowly.

"I would like to think that the woman I loved was my equal and did not need my approval so much as she just needed my awareness. I wouldn't consider it the kind of thing you would spring on someone you cared about with 'Surprise!' without discussing it first. There would be a few conditions, but very reasonable ones" Jasper ended softly. "You're tired Bella."

I knew he was right, but I didn't want him to leave, not while we were on this topic, not while I felt so comfortable and at ease.

"I know, but please don't leave yet" I pleaded with him, "This is the one part of today that hasn't been filled with a sense of dread. What would the conditions be?"

Jasper gave me a smile that let me know he knew I was trying to distract him but continued anyway.

"She would have to want to get turned for the right reasons and she would have to be completely certain that it was what she wanted, it is, after all, irreversible. Also I'd want her to know that I'd love her either way, whatever choice she made. I wouldn't want her to feel pressured into changing to please me."

I nodded my head, unsure of whether or not I could find words sufficient to describe the way his answer pleased me. He was very reasonable about the idea, though I hadn't failed to notice that while I had questioned him with the prospect of Alice being human, he had never once mentioned her in his answer.

"Do you think Edward will ever change his mind?" I took a deep breath, "You know, about changing me?"

Jasper frowned visibly, clearly he felt that the question held unnecessary pressure to it and he wished I hadn't asked, but I'd thrown it out there, and even if I did take it back, it wouldn't relieve him or me of the feelings the question bought up.

I waited with baited breath for Jasper's response and was mildly surprised when he returned the previous pressure he was applying to his strokes on my arm, comforting me. He grabbed my hand with his free one and gently rubbed the top of my hand with his thumb.

"Understand Bella that Edward loves you, don't doubt that. It isn't that he doesn't want to spend the rest of eternity with you; he just considers eternity more of a curse then a blessing. For him, the transition to this life from human life was one that left him empty as a person. His emotions were very dormant until he met you. He's a very reserved character; he doesn't feel anything that a situation doesn't call for. Not every vampire is like this of course, but Edward doesn't really know how to comprehend this idea, to understand that he really is the only one of us who is rather… void?"

Jasper unnecessarily cleared his throat. "I'm not trying to insult him; so much as I'm finding it difficult to explain correctly. Edward thinks that we, as vampires, have no soul, which is why it is much harder to bring emotions out in us, why we have no particular reason to live but the fact that we can't die. He would prefer that you never had to feel this way about your own life, and that you could just spend a normal lifetime together, regardless of the inevitable ending that would occur. I don't know if he'll ever change his mind because I can barely understand why he is so opposed, maybe because he is not as selfish as I am, or maybe he is more so, I'm not sure. I think the point is, is that one day or another Edward will realize that he has found reason for his existence and he won't want to lose that. I believe there is hope, but I cannot bring myself to make promises to you that I cannot assure will fall through."

I nodded my head morosely unsure of how this answer was supposed to make my feel. Though Jasper told me not to give up hope the way he explained it made it a much clearer picture then I'd ever been able to comprehend and this new light of understanding provided me with a heavy dose of disheartening. I only had myself to blame for asking for the truth in the first place but that didn't make my resolve any easier.

I would not give up hope, but after tonight especially, I saw no point in pushing it. Edward was undoubtedly strongly opposed to the idea and it upset me too much to be continuously rejected.

"I wish you wouldn't beat yourself up about it Bella" Jasper chided me lightly. "Your feelings are very heart breaking to deal with at times. I wish he wouldn't refuse you something you want so much."

I smiled at him, finding it not to be too hard. Even if the subject wasn't exactly brightening my mood I felt nothing but a peaceful calm and a little fatigue. I was more emotionally exhausted because of the day's events and a few of my muscles were fatigued but I didn't feel greatly in need of sleep.

I guess I felt slightly enlightened to be able to see Edward's perspective in this way. To have it explained to me by someone that must know him better than I do. Jasper had lived with Edward for a long, long time. Longer than my existence, and certainly knew more details about the way Edward felt about things then I did. I fully trusted Jasper's judgment.

"Do you think Edward will be very mad that were having this conversation?"

Jasper grinned magnificently, "Furious," he told me honestly. "Not with you" he was quick to assure me once he began to feel my panic rise. "He'll be angry with me, one for even daring to come anywhere near you after tonight, and two, for even talking about this, no matter what I'm saying, whether I am defending his choice or attacking it."

The truth of his answer sparked about more of the anger I had directed at Edward from an hour or so ago. He would be angry with Jasper and the longer I made him stay, the angrier Edward would become, though he wouldn't be mad with me, and if he were he'd never voice it.

"You can leave if you'd like. I didn't bother taking into account the trouble you'd get into for being here. I don't want anyone to be mad with you at my expense anymore so then they are already" I expressed, "Though no one has any right to be mad at you, it's not your fault I cut my finger, and I was certain you were fine. I wasn't worried you were going to hurt me. I was worried that you were going to feel bad afterwards though. Edward certainly has no right to get so mad with you, you have done nothing but help end this horrible day on a more positive note," I exclaimed, ordinance ringing out in my voice as my anger got a hold on me.

Jasper's smile grew as I went on, his eyes twinkling with delight. "I never realized you were such a firecracker Bella, it's certainly a surprise."

I felt myself course with embarrassment as I came to the realization that I was indeed making quite the scene. My cheeks flooded with heat and I quickly looked down, wondering what Jasper was thinking of me at this moment.

"There's no need to be embarrassed" he assured me, reapplying his thumb rubbing technique on my hand. "It is very satisfying to see this side of you, especially to know that you feel you can act like this around me. We haven't exactly had the most stable relationship and I am sorry about that, I've always thought it was in your best interests for me to stay at a distance, I'm not the easiest person to get along with at any means."

It was interesting to find out the reasoning behind Jasper's distance. While I had always taken it as a sign that he was not appreciative of my presence it was more that he was not sure I'd be appreciative of his. His revelation humbled me, granting me an amount of inner joy that sat well with the feelings that were consuming me.

"I suppose Edward probably isn't too thrilled about you coming anywhere near me either" I supplied, saying Edward's name with obvious disdain, a bitter feeling running the length of my body head to toe before evaporating just as quickly as it had appeared.

"Edward may or may not have mentioned that he preferred me not to test my self control with you as the bait; this has really upset you, hasn't it? Your emotions are changing so rapidly, I almost feel tired," he laughed, a deep warming sound that made me smile.

I nodded my head, trying to think of a reasonable response. I felt no qualms when it came to being honest with Jasper, but I didn't want him to think that I didn't care about Edward, because I did, I was just angry; I'd be over it by tomorrow morning if he was on his best behavior and he probably knew that.

"I don't like knowing that he is angry with you, or anyone else for something that was just as much my fault if not more so than anyone else's. None of this would have happened if I hadn't come along. It especially bothers me that he can act as if it's not my fault, and it also bothers me that he even has the nerve to suggest something as absurd as me and Mike" I shivered at the thought, this gesture making Jasper laugh again.

"As much as I would rather stay in this emotional climate you really should get to sleep Bella. It's getting late and one of us had school in the morning" Jasper reminded me, stopping his ministrations on my arm, which was now pleasantly numb and would hopefully be alright through the night.

I felt slightly disappointed, but I knew he was right.

"Tell Edward that I said he's not allowed to tell you off, and that he will be in a lot of trouble if he does."

Jasper nodded his head in response and got up off my bed, making his way to the window I figured he'd used to make his entrance.

"Oh and Jasper," I called after him as he opened the window.

He turned to face me, waiting patiently for me to continue.

"Thank you. For coming to visit and all you know? I wanted to see you myself before I left, but well… Edward was being difficult. It was nice to have someone to talk to about all that stuff."

"It was no problem at all. I was concerned that I had scared you half to death and felt the need to apologize for my appalling display earlier, but please Bella, get some sleep, neither of us need anymore of a reason to anger Edward."

I smiled brightly and waved as he descended out into the night.

let me know what you think!