Warning: Mpreg.
Humour. Creepy chibis.
Slight horror. Random-ness.
Swearing. Slight yaoi. Narusasu.
I don`t own Naruto! But I do own the plot! And Jett!
This is for you Deidara-sempai! Konan-sempai! And you
Tsunade-chan! Dunno if you like Mpreg though. -_\)
Chapter 1
Abuse to elders!
'Aww! They`re so cute!' Naruto cried out as he saw the twiins: Ren (boy.) and Chi. (Girl.) Sasuke picked up the newborn Ren.
'Chi looks like you, Sasuke.' Naruto smiled, then he looked at Ren: who looks a lot like himself. Naruto laughed as he held a gurgling Ren, took Chi off of Sasuke and put them in a big Moses basket. Sasuke smiled with relief: he really didn`t want to push out babies again: it hurt like hell!
2 years later…
'Ren! Leave Jett`s (the cat-boy lodger) tail alone!' Naruto called as he heard Jett howl in pain. Then Jett howled again, but this time it sounded a bit strangled. Naruto began to laugh as he saw Ren and Chi beating Jett up with a remote control and a house-phone. Sasuke came back from the store to find that: a pair of 2-year-olds had beaten Jett unconscious with the remote control and the house-phone. Naruto had tried to save Jett from the demonic duo and ended up getting whacked and knocked out too. And now the little monsters had gotten hold of his trouser legs, and not planning to let go anytime soon. He swore he heard funeral bells in that moment of time.
'Duh-dah!' Chi said, her blue eyes glinting evilly. ~Why did I want to have Naruto`s man-babies? Why? ~ Sasuke inwardly cried. ~Oh, yeah…clan.~
'Duh-dah!' Ren growled, his onyx eyes shone with malice as he waved the deadly house-phone, they let go as Sasuke ran away with the twiins at his heels who were singing the Jaws theme song. He only just wanted to…
*Doorbell*
Making sure the twiins was distracted: Sasuke quickly ran to answer the door. Fan-girls. Oh joy, there`s about 10 of them.
'SASUKE!' the girls cried. Sasuke gulped. Chi couldn`t have chosen a better time.
'Ma-ma? Ma-ma!' she called, running to him.
'HUH? "MA-MA"?' they shrieked in shock. Sasuke scooped Chi up and you could see the resemblance. The only differences was Chi`s blue eyes and the ends of her hair was tipped with blonde. Said girl glared at the stalker/fans with evil eyes that briefly flickered red.
The fan-girls gaped even more. Then Ren decided to investigate, still holding the phone of death, which had red splatters from previous attacks.
'Ma-Ma? Whez da-da?' he sweetly asked.
'Bed.' Chi said before Sasuke even replied back. The girls stared at Ren, who resembled Naruto, the only differences were Ren`s dark eyes, the ends of his blonde hair were tipped black, and no whisker-like scars. Said boy smiled cruelly, and looked at his twiin sister.
'Y-you have kids?' the leaders (Ino + sakura) asked. Ren said something that very much sounded like "Hn." making Chi smirk: Uchiha-style. Sasuke put Chi down on the ground, she smirked more, as Ren dropped the phone and discreetly handed her something sharp.
'Go away before I chidori your arses!' Sasuke hissed at them. They said no. He was gonna kill them but Chi and Ren beat him to it: both wielding a lethal kunai each and were chasing the screaming fan-girls all around the gardens. Sasuke watched until a certain blonde kitsune joined him, and chuckled. how ironic, some of them are ninja.
'Um, Sasuke? What are the kids doing?' the kitsune`s voice asked, making Ren drop his kunai, along with his sister and the fan-girls stopped, turned around, and then stared.
'Da-da!' the twiins cried as they ran to the person. The girls` jaws nearly dropped off…
'Naruto`s the dad?' they said gob-smacked. The twiins giggled and decided to go inside and play, or to watch cartoons.
'Well done captain obvious (!)' Naruto said sarcastically as Sasuke nearly laughed. The raven male mother went back inside to revive Jett and to feed the twiins, and it was his turn to make dinner.
'Get off my property! Or I`ll kill you!' Naruto snarled as he slammed the door in the girls` faces, and wondered where his lover went. The girls ran to their mothers crying. They lost Sasuke to Naruto! Naruto put the kids to bed early, Sasuke grabbed said boy and began to do the nasty in the kitchen. Unbeknown to the couple: Chi and Ren were secretly watching. They had been watching their parents have sex since their 1st birthday. It`s not like Sasuke and Naruto knew that their children were yaoi fans, either that or they don`t give a shit.
'Ooh! Chi! Ma-ma and da-da awe pwaying dat game gen!' Ren`s voice drifted in, making Naruto cease all movement.
'What`s the hold up?' Sasuke murmured: he was so out-of-it: it took a few minutes to realise what was going on when Naruto had stopped pounding him into the kitchen floor and had shouted at the kids.
'OUT!' Naruto shouted as he pulled his trousers on. And shoved the twiins out of the room and help his wife (Sasuke) off the kitchen floor. Whilst mumbling "kids".
'What was that all about?' Sasuke asked, still in a daze, but managed to get dressed.
'The kids saw us having sex on the floor.' Naruto sighed as Sasuke`s head rested on his shoulder, and cuddled his waist.
'That`s their sex education done.' Sasuke joked as he pulled away.
'Yeah, another thing off our mind!' Naruto laughed. The couple cracked up laughing.
1 week later…
Half of the entire town and ninja had found out about Naruto and Sasuke`s little "affair" and their "little terrors" Oh shit.
'Is it true?' Kiba asked him. Naruto is a tad scared.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
'Yeah, is it true Naruto?' Neji asked as he, Kiba, Chouji, Hinata, Sai, Lee, Ino, sakura, Kakashi and Tenten bombarded him with questions when they cornered him in Primark, (A/N: don`t ask) clothes shopping with Ren. Who mysteriously vanished?
'Um.' Was all Naruto said when Ren decided to make himself known to mankind: By singing "Uncle Fucker" very loudly. Successfully rescuing his dad from their claws. Naruto grabbed Ren as the other teens spotted the duo running away. Unfortunately Ren tripped over and grazed his knee and was crying loudly. Naruto gasped in horror.
'Shh, da-da`s here, don`t cry cos you`ll make ma-ma go crazy.' He softly said in Ren`s ear, picking him up and pulled out a dummy from his bag and handed it to the toddler and kisses him better, totally forgetting about the other ninjas behind him.
'Cute, what do ya think the kid`s called?' Kiba asked as he watched Naruto put the kid down so he could walk about. Ren pulled out a toy phone and tried to call somebody. Police. Go figure, since Ren always carries a phone. like Naruto carried kunai.
'Hewo? Powice? Yeh, sum scawy pweples awe stwalking da-da and me. Da-da wooks weally angwy cos dey chaseded him awound da shop 3 twimes…make dat 4…huwy up dis twime!' Ren`s loud voice said as Kiba and Sai turned to the little speaker. Ren hated seeing his dad in distress so he charged at Neji, head-butting him in the family jewels and started to boot him with his blue converse trainers. And he then began to hit Lee, Kiba, then Chouji, then Sai, then Kakashi, nobody was spared. Minus his dad and another person.
'I don`t hit giwls…da-da says it`s stupid widout weason…but den gen, ma-ma says I can if I`m pwovokeded…which I am…' Ren said viciously attacking sakura and the other girls, sparing Hinata from the phone of doom. (The actual phone is at home.) He popped the dummy back in and giggled.
'Wou da-da`s fwend sho I won hit wou. I only hit dem cuz dey were mwaking da-da mad.' Ren said as he heard his dad (Naruto) call him. He ran off as Hinata peered around the clothes stand to see them.
'Where did you run off to?' Naruto asked him. Ren pulled his dummy out and told him with pride.
'I beateded up dose nasty pweples cos dey wah scawing wou an I didn`t wike it sho I helpeded wou cos der stuupid powice nawer com wen I calleded dem…I fink dis fwone is bwokeneded da-da.' Ren replied to him, an evil glint in the chibi`s eyes.
'Oh, I`m sorry Hinata! He didn`t mean it!' Naruto blabbered in apology. Hinata shook her head, understanding Ren`s reasons.
'No! He told me that he thought you were mad so he stepped in, thinking he could save you! It serves them right for doing that!' Hinata told him without a stutter.
'Really?' Naruto asked in surprise as Hinata and Ren nodded. ~The Uchiha possession gene…or Kyuubi is behind this, as per usual. I wonder what Sasuke and Chi are doing…~ Naruto mused. Hinata smiled, said bye, and had booted her cousin Neji awake. Ren cackled evilly and Naruto snickered at Neji`s "fate" of Hinata turning the tables on him, and giving him a taste of his own medicine.
Somewhere in Morrisons…
'C`mon Chi we need…' Sasuke`s words died in his throat as he saw Orochimaru and Kabuto. ~What the fuck going on here? why here of all places… ~
'Um, ma-ma, wazzup?' Chi stared up to her mum who seemed to completely tense up. So did Chi. She wondered why her mother did.
'Hello little girl.' Kabuto said trying to talk to Chi: who replied with a glare and a "hn".
'This kid yours Sasuke?' Orochimaru asked the teen that had somehow gotten a kid.
'So what if she is?' Sasuke shot back at him. Glare. And hoping Chi won`t go psycho. Or himself.
'Earth to midget!' Kabuto hissed at Chi who got so mad she whipped out the murder weapon: the remote control. The 1 that`s grey. The 1 she uses to beat fan-girls up every day. Kabuto laughed at said remote, thinking it as a minor threat.
'Nobwody calls mwe a miget a gets way wid it!' she shouted, letting out a battle cry, and then chased Kabuto straight into the frozen food aisle, and charged the remote with demonic chakra. Orochimaru had WTF written all over his face and Sasuke snickered before they ran to the frozen aisle to find them. Just follow the screams…
'Jwam-jaws! *THWACK! *…Call mwe a miget gen *WHAM! *…An I`ll…*WHACK! *…Kiwl wou! I`m not wying cuz I…*SMACK*…kiwleded nabwours gog! Ashk meh da-da if wou downt beweve meh!' she shouted before whacking him and using her fist to punch his belly, using the remote in other to viciously pound his face in, bruising him badly, Orochimaru could barely watch, he was nearly reduced to tears.
'Help me! She`s going to break my nose!' Kabuto cried out before they all heard a sickening "crunch".
'Whoopsie! I bwokeneded wou nosie! W00T! W00T! YOU GOT PWNED BY A 2-YEAR-OLD!' Chi cheered running towards her dad, grinning victoriously, holding the battered remote.
'DA-DA! I bwokeneded his nosie! He cying wike babway!' Chi cackled. Sasuke picked her up, put her in the trolley and walked off like nowt ever happened. Orochimaru and Kabuto stared, before helping the poor Nin with medical ninjutsu.
'Hi 5!' Chi said high 5-ing her dad, smirking victoriously, as she got out her list.
'Ma-ma wants wamen…Wen wants bawanas…da-da wants matwoes…I want gwapes…and we need bwed, miwk and wice…and ceweal! Mowsty cheewios cuz me and wen wuv those…and cwishp.' Chi said reading off her own list. Sasuke smiled, he pulled the list out his daughter`s hands.
'Lemme see…these are squiggles! I can`t read them.' Her dad told her as he put a big pack of crisps in the trolley. Chi shrugged in reply.
'Yeh, but I can wead em.' She replied. The duo carried on with the shopping, with some whining at the cutlery section and a tug-of-war over a huge cleaver and a sliced up snake and owl toys. They had managed just fine. But Chi nicked a kitchen knife…oh well, they`ll survive…hopefully…then she got out the prison-er trolley.
'Hewo…can I kiwl wou?' she suddenly asked a woman who turned out to be Anko.
'Er, no, sorry little girl.' she replies, then inwardly shudders at the 2 -year-old`s very sadistic grin, which reminded her of Him.
'Pwease?' Chi asked before Sasuke seized her around the waist, plopped her back into the trolley and apologizing to Anko about Chi`s behaviour and then mooched off.
'Da-da! Lemme go! DA-DA LEMME OUT! I WANNA KIWL DAT WADY!' Chi shrieked loudly, only resulting being blanked.
'Holy shit. That`s 1 of the Uchiha-Namikaze twiins everybody`s talking about.' Anko muttered.
Primark…
{{Note: Kyuubi made the kids demonic.}}
'Ren, get your skinny arse back here right now!' Naruto hissed at the 2-year-old who was slowly creeping up on Orochimaru and his bitch-er-Kabuto who just barely escaped from the other twiin, now got the worst 1ready to pounce on them.
'Take dis ya ugwy fwucka!' Ren shouted, bringing down a heavy metal belt buckle on Kabuto`s head. Orochimaru stared as the Naruto-look-a-like pummelled Kabuto`s face to mush, before he could do more damage to the already downed Kabuto…
'REN! PUT THE BASTARD DOWN!' Naruto shouted as he yanked his son off of the sound Nin and plopped him into his basket and stomped off. ~Those kids are insane! ~
'Da-da! Let go! DA-DA! LEMME OUT DIS FWUCKING BASKWET!' Ren screamed, as Naruto kept on walking as Kabuto sobbed as Orochimaru helped him up and stared at the walking family. ~Da-da? If Naruto is the father, that means Sasuke is the mother, and…oh…awk-ward. And why do they attack Kabuto? ~ He mused.
'You ok? Why did those kids beat you up?' Orochimaru asked, as he healed Kabuto.
Sometime later in the week…
'Naruto and Sasuke have 2 kids…twiins who almost killed Kabuto, we must be careful…' a nasty, hissing voice said in a dark room.
*Metal door scrapes open*
'Hewo! I`m Wen! I`m gonna kiwl wou fwuckas wite now!'
*Very loud manly screaming*
*Silence*
'Oops…I kiwleded dem…whez mah shovwel…CHI-NEE-CHWAAAN!'
'Yeh outotwo?'
'Were did wou put shovwel?'
'Ish ere wiv me, let`s go now Wen.'
'Okay, Chi-nee-chwan.'
'Bwye, bwye bastwads!'
*Door clangs shut*