Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender or anything related to it.

A/N: This fic comes from chapter six of my story The Dream War. It was originally supposed to open up the chapter and serve as comic relief. Unfortunately, it became a little too comical and I had to scrap the chapter and begin again. But I thought to myself "Bobicus, you've put time and effort into this thing; why would you just delete it? Why not create a new Avatar fanfic where this nutty scene and others like it can go and find a home on the wonderful thing known as the internet?"

So here we are. This story will contain the comical side adventures that I can't put into the Dream Wars and some of the chapters (including this one) will contain a few (very few) curse words. Zuko will be hit by cabbages, Sokka will have his head frozen by Katara, and Ty Lee will fly around the world with Appa and Momo as her trusty companions. And if something amazing happens, Aang might just eat a piece of meat and discover what he's missed for so many years.

So lets get started!

Zuko vs Cabbage Guy

"What the hell was that for you crazy old man?" Zuko yelled as he wiped the disgusting vegetable off of his face. The old man had thrown a cabbage at him! The Fire Lord! "Don't you know who I am? And you had better not say no, because I fucking told you who I am!"

The old man, who had his arms crossed over his chest, shot yet another stubborn glare at Zuko. "And I still don't care! My cabbages were here first." The man picked up another cabbage, causing Zuko to eye that hand and move backwards several paces.

He'd been standing ten feet away – maybe twenty would provide him with enough room to dodge. For such a skinny old guy, the man could throw!

"And how do I know that you're telling the truth? I've run into a dozen so-called 'Fire Lords' between here and Ba Sing Se. For all I know, you're just another Fire Nation bandit out to take my cabbages."

The old man then squinted his eyes and gave Zuko a once over. "You're all dusty. And you know who's dusty? Bandits, that's who! So admit it already! Admit that you're a bandit who's out to steal my cabbages."

The old man then leaned against the cabbage cart and put one hand behind his back. "And you look stupid too."

Zuko heard a few muffled laughs come from behind him at that last bit. This was not helping his image. Alright Zuko, don't incinerate the crazy stranger. He's just a simple, ignorant peasant with a death wish. The troops though...I am going to find which one of the morons laughed at me and make him pay!

Looking behind him, Zuko directed a glare at his troops. The laughter cut off immediately.

Time to end this, Zuko thought. Putting on the stern expression that he wore while he was in the Fire Nation's Court, Zuko looked back at the cabbage merchant and tried to reason with the lunatic one more time.

"Sir, my name is Zuko. As in Fire Lord Zuko. Now, please move your humble cart out of my way; it is blocking the path that I need to take."

And if you don't move your cart out of my way I am going to hit you with a blast of lightning while I set fire to your godforsaken cabbages, Zuko thought to himself. "This is your last warning."

For a moment, it seemed that Zuko's plan might just work. The cabbage merchant looked startled, the men were quiet, and Zuko was holding his regal pose. For once it appeared that things were going to go Zuko's way.

There, Zuko thought, that ought to settle things. Show the man who's boss, give him a way out, and everything is taken care of. Why does Mai still refuse to let me negotiate any trade agreements? This stuff isn't so hard. Zuko smiled broadly at that.

But the universe just loved to prove Zuko wrong. Seeing Zuko's scarred face in a wide grin frightened the merchant's donkey. And then all hell broke loose.

The donkey-mouse screamed and took off with the cart. With a sudden cry of "Ah! Insane bandits!", the old man chucked the cabbage in his visible hand at Zuko's face. And hearing their fellow donkey-mouse scream, all of the donkey-mice in Zuko's baggage train took off as well.

And as he saw the cabbage flying towards his head while chaos erupted around him, Zuko could only think of one thing.

Fuck you universe, fuck you.

End