Title: Kira's Magic School Bus
Rating: T
Pairings: Crackish pairings, they'll change every chappie probably.
Disclaimer: Me no own, 'cept my craaaaazy ideas.
Summary: Collection of crackish oneshots. 1st Oneshot: Sombrero: After much contemplation, Raito decided that he didn't want to know where the sombrero came from. Implied LxRaito.
A/N: Never let me and Michelle come near Microsoft Word after hours of surfing the net and seeing Raito in a sombrero -.-; bad things happen to good people.
Well, enjoy! None of these will ever make sense…
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"No, in fact, you'll never see daylight again! Because by the time your punishment is over, the sun would have burnt out and collapsed into itself as a black hole. And the only remnants of mankind left would be stuck on a small rusty spaceship with nothing but the cold deep silence of space slowly driving them mad!"
"I think she's halfway there."
-- Suite Life of Zack and Cody
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1st ONESHOT: SOMBRERO
There was a delicate cosmic balance that The Forces That Be had to maintain for the good of all Bishonen kind, to keep all plot devices relative to the original storyline, to keep fangirls on the edge of their seats, chewing at their fingernails in anticipation as the writers and artists threw in subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) yaoi hints to reel in more viewers/readers, and to create fillers whose sole purpose was to antagonize said fangirls as punishment for their wicked thoughts on homosexuality.
This balance was then threatened by the rise of an evil being called Fanfiction, allied with Fanart, and fought against The Forces That Be to cater to the fangirls' desire for explicit sex scenes involving their favourite male pairings. At first, the evil was too weak against the bright, clean The Forces That Be, but through the quick power of the internet, corrupting Gay Erotica and the growing population of gay guys leaping out of their closets, Fanfiction and Fanart soon became the leading power throughout the Universe.
This caused the balance to completely implode on itself, and thus resulted in a swarm of OOC syndrome, poor plotlines, gaping holes in the space time continuum and exposed penises. Now that The Forces That Be had been defeated, never to be seen again, Bishonen were now fair game to the fangirls.
Bishonen, for example, that belonged to the Death Note fandom in Sector 69 of The Universe.
X.x.X
Raito gained many odd looks from passerbys, but, quite frankly, he really didn't care. He carried a strange aura of dignity despite his apparel, and ignored the grating 'hyuk's from his Shinigami companion, who, for the Powers That Exist demanded it, was in his sexy Bishonen form from his original concept design.
(It was decided that if the creators followed Ryuuku's original concept and made him into a sexy bishonen, the RyuukuxRaito pairing, not the more canon LxRaito pairing, would rule the DN fandom, and everybody would be focusing on Ryuuku's tight leather pants rather than the storyline – therefore, they made Ryuuku into an ugly, but loveable Ronald MacDonald descendant)
Raito frowned, resisting the urge to scratch his face and adjusted the sombrero on his head gingerly instead. Any second now, the plot should be moving along with the appearance of Ray Penber and thus allow Raito his greatest achievement yet of killing off twelve secret agents without having to lift a finger. But, it seemed that Ray Penber was running a little late.
Ryuuku was getting bored too. "Eh. Since we're just killing time here…where'd you get the sombrero anyway?"
Raito shot a look at his Shinigami companion; crossing his arms under his poncho and slouching further down the wall. "Well…"
"Huh…?"
Raito sat up, blinking fuzzily from the couch he was previously sprawled on. It took a few minutes longer for his genius mind to remember what had happened, and why his head felt very much like an elephant had sat on it. He groaned, rubbing at his bloodshot eyes and went to run a hand through his hair, damning his lapse in judgement. Why, oh why did he allow his fanatical fangirls to drag him to a High School Party of all things? It was obvious that the water was going to be spiked (punch was just so cliché nowadays).
His hand hit something. "What the…?" He grasped the brim of the object resting on his head and pulled it off, blinking at the wide brimmed hat in his hand. "Where the Hell did this come from?"
After much contemplation, he decided that he'd rather not know.
Something else caught Raito's eye.
"Oh, come on!" The young genius shouted, wincing when it caused his headache to throb painfully. He heard a groan somewhere behind the couch, alerting him to another poor soul's semi conscious presence, and plucked angrily at the only article of…clothing that was protecting his decency. "Where the hell did a grass skirt come from!?"
He squinted when his blurred eyes caught messy writing on his chest. It took a few moments of mangled translations, but finally, after a while, he deciphered the mysterious scrawl upon his skin.
"LxRaito…?"
"…I won it at a fair." Raito lied after a lengthy pause, still rueing that day.
Ryuuku didn't seem very convinced. "…Right."
"Oh look!" Raito suddenly exclaimed, pointing at a familiar man marching stiffly through the crowds. "It's our plot device!" He gave a dramatic pause, schooling his face into an evil expression of triumphant glee. "Just as planned!" He giggled, only Ryuuku's not too discreet cough bringing him out of his childish moment. "Oh. Oh! Commence obsessive shadowing!"
"I think the only reason he's interesting…is because he is insane." Ryuuku decided as he followed his Mexican clad human, munching on an apple that he had snatched out of a tiny plot hole behind a Spike cosplayer, wondering just why Raito felt it would be prudent to dress up as the stereotypical Mexican.
He guessed it was a genius thing.
X.x.X
"See, there." L intoned, pointing at Ray's twisted form on the train's platform. "Doesn't it seem like he is trying to look into the train?" The twenty four year old man lapped at his ice cream, smirking to himself in triumph. "Wouldn't it be odd if Kira was on that train?"
Matsuda squinted at the blurry tape. "Wait…I think I see something near the door."
"Yeah…" Aizawa joined his fellow policeman, prodding at the screen. "I think that's a brim of a sombrero."
"Maybe he though it was odd that there was a Mexican on the train." Matsuda shrugged.
"That's prejudice!" Aizawa gasped, stepping away from the young officer in horror as if he'd be struck down just being in Matsuda's presence. "Just because someone is wearing a sombrero doesn't mean they're Mexican!"
"What it means!" L interrupted snappishly, throwing his ice cream at Aizawa's afro and staring when the hair entity devoured it whole. "…What…it means!" L repeated, omitting that moment from his memory to be pursued later. "Is that Kira…" He paused for dramatic effect. "Is in possession of a sombrero!"
Soichirou, covertly feeding The Afro (as the Task Force had come to know the entity that lived on Aizawa's head) his ice cream, blinked down at the scruffy detective. "What are you trying to say, Ryuuzaki?"
"Didn't you say before, Yagami-san…" L murmured pensively, biting on his thumb as his mind wandered to the many pictures he acquired of a certain high school student from Ray Penber before his untimely death. "That your son had a sombrero?"
"Yes…" Soichirou agreed, looking down in confusion at the other man. "He got it at a high school party. Why?"
L just hummed, mind wondering on how to get more pictures of one Yagami Raito. "No reason…"
A lightbulb of Perverted Ideas dinged.
"We need to install cameras into the homes of the people Ray Penber was investigating!"
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A/N: That's one way the whole Ray Penber thing could've happened… -.-;
Well, hope y'all enjoyed!! (Laughs nervously)