"Well, if things get serious, be sure to use protection," his dad said, looking uncomfortable as he made his way back up the stairs.

Kurt smiled weakly with a nod, then turned back to Brittany as the door closed. He was about to make his way over to her when she asked, "Does he mean, like, a burglar alarm?"

Kurt froze for just a moment. Sometimes Brittany said things that didn't make sense. Things about her cat reading her diary and the relationship between dolphins and sharks being about differences in sexuality. Things like the square root of four being rainbows.

Sometimes she said really insightful things. Things like how Artie was hurting while he and Tina weren't talking and how Puck cared about Quinn. Things full of sympathy and compassion.

Sometimes she said things that made her sound utterly stupid. Things like not remembering how to leave a classroom or forgetting her middle name. Things like not knowing how cruel and vindictive Sue Sylvester was about Glee Club.

And sometimes she said things that were terrifying. Things like this.

Swallowing, Kurt walked back over to the couch. "I think he meant something more like a condom, Britt."

"Oh," she said with a smile and nod. Sighing, Kurt sat down. He was relieved she'd gotten it, because if she didn't know about safe sex— "But wouldn't a burglar alarm be good to put in a condom?"

Oh sweet Versace.

"Brittany, you know what a condom is, right?"

"Well, yeah. It's a kind of house, isn't it?"

Kurt felt his stomach drop out. No. "Britt, I think you're thinking of a condo."

"Oh! Oops. It's a bird, then. Like a vulture?"

Kurt shook his head, his heart hurting with every beat. "No, Britt. That's a condor."

"Oh." Now her face was looking crestfallen. She couldn't think of another definition. Oh dear, merciful higher being, what and whomever you might be. "Then what's a condom?"

Kurt covered his face for a moment, thinking. How could she not know? Brittany had said herself that she'd made out with almost everyone in the school, and he knew she must have had sex with most of them, or at least a lot. Her continued innocence was, at times, unnerving, but to think that she hadn't been being safe simply because she didn't understand the need to be…

He thought he might be sick.

Suddenly he felt incredibly uncomfortable in these clothes. This stupid plan to get his dad's attention obviously wasn't working as well as he'd hoped, and he couldn't keep acting. Couldn't keep pretending. Not with Brittany, a friend, sitting here, waiting for him to explain what a condom was and why he thought she should go to a doctor and what he thought she needed checked for and…

He actually had to swallow done some bile that time. Blinking heavily, he turned to her.

"Britt, a condom is something you use during sex. To protect yourself."

Brittany's eyebrows bunched together and she frowned in concentration. "Like armor? I've seen a movie where a girl was wearing metal panties. Like that?"

"No, Brittany. That's a chastity belt, and it's to stop a girl from having sex at all. Boys wear condoms." She just stared at him with her wide eyes. He could see that her root beer lip gloss was smudged, a little on her cheek. He licked his lips and found the flavor still there. "It's a piece of latex that he puts on his penis, Britt." He felt his face begin to flame, but he grabbed her hands in his, begging her to listen and understand. "To keep you safe from diseases and getting pregnant."

Brittany blinked her eyes, taking in the information, but Kurt couldn't see any sign of recognition in her gaze.

"Britt, I know you've had sex plenty, but have you been safe before?"

"Well, yeah," she said with a shrug. "I never have sex with somebody without knowing them for at least a few days, and I don't let them hurt me or anything, and we always do it in places I know or am comfortable with. And Santana is there some of the time, and I know she'd take care of me!" Brittany was smiling again.

"Are you on the pill, Britt?"

She blinked, frowning. "What pill?"

"The birth control pill."

"Oh. I'm not sure. Santana shares some of her meds with me, you should ask her."

"Do any of them come in a circular case? Maybe pink or blue pills?"

"Oh yeah!" She nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, Santana shares those with me every day."

Kurt sighed in relief. At least there's that… But that didn't mean she was safe. The pill didn't help with disease, wasn't a hundred percent effective, and maybe Brittany shouldn't have even been on it. It was prescribed to Santana, not her.

"But, you've never used condoms before, Brittany?" She shook her head.

"Should I be?"

"Yeah, Britt. It's really important to use them."

"Oh."

"Listen, why don't we go out for a little while?"

"You don't want to keep making out?" She sounded so sad. It stung, but the thought that she might feel she wasn't good for anything else passed through his mind. He had never been more repulsed at the thought of making out with someone than he was right then.

Not because she might be sick, but because he didn't want to be one more man compounding negativity onto her self-value.

"Not now." He took her hand and led her upstairs. He shouted to his dad that they were leaving, and took her to his dad's truck. Having the Navigator confiscated after Mercedes bashed the window (though his dad claimed it was for totally unrelated reasons) had left Kurt without a car, but he still had a set to his dad's ride for emergencies.

Kurt would argue his case later if he had to.

First, he drove them to the other side of town and into the parking lot of an anonymity-friendly clinic.

"What are we doing here, Kurtie?"

Kurt took her hand, lacing their fingers together as they walked in. "I want you to get checked out, okay? Then we'll go out to dinner. Breadstix, my treat." Brittany grinned and nodded happily. Kurt pulled her to the check-in window and quietly explained to the receptionist.

Fifteen minutes later, they were being led back to an exam room. A nurse took the basics and asked some questions. When Brittany got confused or seemed uncertain, Kurt prompted her along to understand and figure out as many of the answers as she could. The doctor asked if Kurt was Brittany's boyfriend when he came in, and she giggled.

"No, Kurt's Capital-G Gay. Or he was. Then he wasn't. But now I think he is again. He really needs to make up his mind." Kurt smiled. She really was sweet. If he weren't so Capital-G Gay, he would have been happy to be her boyfriend.

The doctor took a blood sample from Brittany and Kurt left his cell phone number as a contact when the tests were done. A few visual tests were done as well, and Kurt held Brittany's hand throughout, determinedly not looking where the doctor was looking. The doctor assured them that there was nothing visibly wrong, and the blood tests would be back in a few days.

Kurt thanked her, split the fifty dollar bill with Brittany, and then drove them to Breadstix.

They ate dinner in a pleasant peace, the game of footsy under the table playful and platonic. After eating, Kurt took her to the local convenience store and showed her the condoms. Her look of awe confirmed everything that their conversation earlier had said. She had no idea what a condom was. He helped her pick some out, bought them for her, and then they sat in the truck with a banana and a cucumber and practiced putting them on while he explained again the importance of safety.

When Kurt dropped Brittany off at home, she smiled and kissed his cheek, at the corner of his mouth. "Thank you, Kurtie, for everything. You're the best boy ever."

Then she skipped up the sidewalk and into her home, leaving Kurt staring after her, wishing, not for the first time but finally for a reason for himself, that he was straight so he could wear her on his arm.

Because she was perfect, in her own strange, sweet, bewildering way.