Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. Well, maybe Kyle, Lucy, and Florence on "Children of Galbadia." Anyway the plot is mine, and so is this story, so don't take it without asking first.
Author's Note: This is another companion piece to my FFVIII series. Again, it can really be read at any point in the series. Anything inside colons ::like this:: is thoughts.
Kingdom Hearts Conquered
The whole gang is sitting in the family room of their house, watching T.V.
(ON T.V.)
LUCY: But Kyle! You can't leave me! I'm expecting your dead brother's triplets! You promised to stay with me!
KYLE: I'm sorry, Lucy, but you know that my evil stepmother wants me to destroy the world with her. Besides, you're forgetting about Simon.
LUCY: (turning away) What about Simon?
KYLE: He loves you, Lucy! He is standing in the way of our happiness, and he's stronger than I am. If I ever touched you, then he'd kill me!
LUCY: That makes me think of a great idea. (turns to him) Let's kill Simon!
KYLE: (gasp) Lucy! We already killed Hraldo, Peter, and Florence! Let's not make this a habit.
LUCY: But Kyle! Florence, your ex-wife, was the only thing standing in the way of our happiness two months ago, and now it's Simon! You helped me kill Florence, didn't you?
KYLE: Yes...
The door bangs open, and a bedraggled woman bursts in.
LUCY: (gasp)
KYLE: (gasp) Florence! But--you're dead!
FLORENCE: I was dead. But now I'm back--and I'm going to make you pay!
ZELL: Booring!
SELPHIE: Zell! Shh! I'm trying to see what's happening.
QUISTIS: Yeah, Zell, can't you keep your mouth shut for four minutes? You already made us miss the part where Christine summons the devil into her body to punish Rick for cheating on her with Carrie and Rochelle.
RINOA: Yeah, Zell! Shut up!
ZELL: But it's so dumb! Who'd believe this crap, anyway?
SELPHIE: You don't have to believe it, stupid! You just have to watch it!
RINOA: Zell, you're the one whose favorite movie is The Amazing Spectacularity of Professor Q. Lamppost the Plumber.
ZELL: That is so different! That movie is, like, critically acclaimed!
IRVINE: Zell, some of us want to watch "Children of Galbadia" in peace!
ZELL: You don't even like it! You're just watching it 'cause that one girl!
IRVINE: Well, yeah. I mean, who wouldn't like her? Ooh! Ooh! There she is! (points at the T.V. excitedly)
(On the T.V., there is a wedding between an attractive young woman and an attractive young man)
MINISTER: Do you, Katerine, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?
KATERINE: I do.
(Irvine sighs. Zell gags and chokes until Selphie throws a pillow at him)
MINISTER: And do you, Quentin, take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
QUENTIN: I do.
(They exchange rings)
MINISTER: If anyone knows why these two people should not be wedded in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.
VOICE: Stop!
(The audience gasps and turns around)
KATERINE: Theresa!
QUENTIN: Your twin sister? But I thought she was dead!
THERESA: I'm not Theresa! I'm Katerine! Quentin, you can't marry her!
(dramatic music)
ANNOUNCER: We will return momentarily to "Children of Galbadia."
ZELL: That sucked! Where's the action? Where's the explosions?
QUISTIS: Some people like a little thing called drama, Zell.
RINOA: Yeah, it's interesting.
ZELL: Nu-uh! Real life is more interesting!
SQUALL: (sitting in a corner playing Triple Triad with Siren while the other Guardian Forces cheer) What makes you say that?
IRVINE: (confused) I don't get it. If Katerine was Theresa, then what happened to Katerine?
ZELL: Maybe she encountered a group of monsters and had to fend them off!
SELPHIE: That only happens in real life, Zell! Gawd!
SQUALL: (after the GFs go away) Hey, what's this piece of paper?
QUISTIS: Let me see. (reads it) Huh.
Dear Final Fantasy VIII People,
We are going to be dropping by soon to talk with you about a matter of utmost importance.
Sincerely,
T.L.
IRVINE: Huh?
SELPHIE: Who's T.L.?
RINOA: Doesn't ring a bell with me.
ZELL: And what do they mean, Final Fantasy VIII people? Aren't they from FFVIII like every sane person is?
QUISTIS: Well, it's dated two days ago. Squall, where did you find this?
SQUALL: It was just sitting on that table where I was playing cards.
RINOA: That's weird. I wonder where it came from.
With a sudden flash of light, Cloud, Yuffie, Vincent, Tifa, Aeris, Barret, Red XIII, Cid, and Sephiroth appear. Yuffie is in the middle of saying something.
YUFFIE: --and I don't get why everyone's so upset about it. I mean, it's a perfectly good game--not as good as ours--and it's not anyone's fault that some people got left out. It's especially not my fault!
QUISTIS: Um, what are you guys doing here?
TIFA: (pulls a small rectangular-shaped object out of her dimensional pocket and holds it out) We want to talk about this.
FFVIII PEOPLE: ?????
RINOA: (reading the cover) "Kingdom Hearts"? What's that?
BARRET: (coldly) It's a video game. For the PlayStation 2.
ZELL: Ooh, that game! It's so cool! There's magic and fighting and the forces of darkness, and a talking duck!
Everyone stares at him.
ZELL: What? It's true! See, he's right there on the cover!
TIFA: ...anyway, you guys clearly don't know about this game. We thought you'd want to know because some of y--
QUISTIS: Ohhhhh! I get it! T.L.! That's you, isn't it?
TIFA: What?
IRVINE: Oh, okay. I remember. Tifa Lockheart!
SELPHIE: (laughing) How could we not remember?
RINOA: Well, it's not like we talk about them much.
SQUALL: Yeah, they're kinda weird.
TIFA: Excuse me, I'm standing right here!
ZELL: Plus in their game everything is crappy and evil and stuff. Our game is happy!
CLOUD: Nu-uh! Our game is plenty happy! Yours is the crappy one!
IRVINE: What are you talking about? Everyone dies in your stupid game.
TIFA: EXCUSE ME! (silence) Thank you. Now, look, some of you are in this game, and we thought you should know.
FFVIII PEOPLE: ?????
QUISTIS: In the game?
IRVINE: But what about our game?
TIFA: Well, I don't know. But some of us are there too, and it makes us mad.
RINOA: Hey, which of us is in that game?
TIFA: Um...Squall and Selphie.
Long silence.
IRVINE: That's it?
TIFA: Yeah. Sorry.
QUISTIS: That's not fair! Why did we get left out?
TIFA: Actually, I was just getting to--
IRVINE: Yeah! Squall isn't even cool like we are. He hardly even talks!
SQUALL: ::Shows how much he knows. I talk all the time!:: ...whatever...
RINOA: How come they got chosen and not us?
TIFA: Now listen, everyone! We're all mad about this game too. Some of us were in it as well, and we aren't very happy with the way things turned out.
IRVINE: Which of you was in it?
There is much coughing and uncomfortable shifting among the FFVII guests.
TIFA: Um...
YUFFIE: Let's see. There was me, Cloud, Vincent, Aeris, and Sephiroth. Oh, and Cid.
RINOA: What!
QUISTIS: That's ridiculous!
IRVINE: Why would they include more people from your stupid game than from ours? Ours is much better!
SELPHIE: (to Squall) Do you remember being in any new game?
SQUALL: No. But I forget a lot of things.
SELPHIE: Because of the GF.
SQUALL: Yeah.
SELPHIE: Right.
RINOA: Zell, why didn't you tell us?
IRVINE: Yeah, Zell!
Everyone looks at Zell, who squirms uncomfortably.
ZELL: Well, um, I didn't know it was you guys. I mean, Selphie was this tiny little cute person and Squall was talking and he kinda looked like Laguna and he called himself Leon. How was I supposed to recognize them?
SELPHIE: What?
SQUALL: WHAT?????
TIFA: (looking satisfied) See, whoever made this game sucks. I brought pictures of how they changed everyone.
She gets out the pictures, and everyone crowds around.
RINOA: This is so not fair!
QUISTIS: (holding up a picture) Uh, who's this?
TIFA: That's Cloud.
EVERYONE: ?????
AERIS: In Kingdom Hearts, Cloud was working with Hades, and he somehow looked like Vincent.
SELPHIE: (peering at the picture) It looks like someone put you two in a blender!
VINCENT: Who cares? It's not like I'm bitter or anything.
CLOUD: Uh, Vincent? You're holding my arm kinda tight.
VINCENT: Am I?
CLOUD: With your claw! Ow! Leggo!
VINCENT: Oh, I seem to have suddenly lost my hearing. Did you say something?
As Cloud collapses to the ground, bleeding, and Vincent chuckles sinisterly, Yuffie picks out a picture and holds it out proudly.
YUFFIE: This is me! I show up in the game all the time! I'm one of the main character's helper-people, and I even get my very own voice! Don't I look cool?
VINCENT: Actually, Yuffie, you look pretty much the same.
BARRET: Yeah, Yuffie. All they did was give you a tank top instead of a shirt.
YUFFIE: But it still looks cool, right? Right?
RED XIII: Whatever you say, Yuffie...
SQUALL: (holding a picture and laughing) Ha! Who's this guy? Hey, Rinoa, doesn't he look dumb? Someone tell me who this dork is!
YUFFIE: Um...
AERIS: That's you, Squall.
SQUALL: Me? But...but...
ZELL: (starts laughing hysterically)
SQUALL: Why do I look like that? My hair looks so dumb! It's so long! Why do I look like Laguna? Whyyyyyy?
RINOA: Oh, look, you've got my wings on your back! Squall, that's so sweet! (she hugs him)
AERIS: In the game, you, me, and Yuffie were helping the main character a lot in finding this Keyblade thingie. Your name was Leon.
SQUALL: Leon?
IRVINE: What's a Keyblade?
AERIS: I dunno.
YUFFIE: Ooh! And we all lived in this place called Hollow Bastion, until the Heartless destroyed it.
SQUALL: Leon?????
QUISTIS: What's a Heartless?
YUFFIE: These little black blobby bad guy things.
SQUALL: LEON????? What kind of stupid name is LEON?????
TIFA: It's part of your last name.
SQUALL: Yeah, but Leon? It makes you think of some lame guy sitting around at home reading science-fiction books all day long.
AERIS: I think you were trying to, like, leave part of your life behind. You were starting a new life by changing your name.
TIFA: Let's see. Here's Cid.
CID: Tifa! No! You promised you wouldn't show that picture!
YUFFIE: (giggling) He got censored for the game because it was for kids! Once he even said 'heck!'
CID: Shuddup! #$& Gimme that!
QUISTIS: (looking at the picture) What's with this leather apron thing you're wearing?
CID: I don't #$& know! Give it back!
IRVINE: What's that in your mouth?
CID: Nothing!
RINOA: It must be a cigarette.
SQUALL: I don't think it is.
CID: It's nothing! Nothing to think about! Give me the &$$&(& picture!
ZELL: Yeah, it's too thin to be a cigarette.
SELPHIE: Is it hay?
ZELL: (starts laughing hysterically) Ha ha ha! What are you, some lame-ass farmer guy?
CID: (very offended) No. I sell stuff and make ships.
ZELL: (laughing) Then why are you chewing on hay?
SELPHIE: Yeah, that's pretty lame.
CID: (grabbing the picture back) Don't ask me how their & minds work.
TIFA: Okay, and here's the last one. That's Sephiroth. (gets out the picture)
SQUALL: #$&!!!!!!!
RINOA: (gasp) Squall!
SQUALL: Look at him! He looks exactly the same!
SEPHIROTH: What can I say? People love me.
VINCENT: Yeah, well, people were supposed to love me, yet somehow I ended up as an outfit that Spikehead was wearing. (kicks Cloud, who is lying on the floor bleeding from Vincent's claw.)
SELPHIE: Gawd! People have no respect for our game! This sucks! (pulls a picture out of Tifa's stack) I mean, look at me! I'm a tiny freak with huge eyes and a huger head and a stupid jump rope!
ZELL: Yeah, Selph, you look pretty lame.
TIFA: Okay, Selphie, just calm down. All of us at FFVII have been talking about it, and no one is happy about this game. We were thinking of doing a protest or something.
QUISTIS: All of you are unhappy about it? Even Sephiroth?
SEPHIROTH: (big sigh) Yes...by now you'd think the public would know that they have to contact my agent if they want me to appear somewhere new...
RINOA: You have an agent? Who?
Sephiroth flips a card out of his pocket and gives it to her. Everyone crowds around to read it.
IRVINE: There's only one word on here.
ZELL: (reading from the card) "REEVE." Who's Reeve?
RINOA: Some guy from FFVII, I guess.
TIFA: ANYway, how do you guys feel about doing a protest?
SELPHIE: Hey, wait a second. You're not even in the game. Why are you the spokesperson here?
Tifa gives a huge smile. Cloud, Vincent, Sephiroth, Cid, Yuffie, and Aeris shift and shuffle a lot.
CLOUD: (abashed and embarrassed) Tifa likes to be in charge, so she blackmailed us into letting her take control. She cut the cable line!
YUFFIE: She made some gross black crap for breakfast and burned all of the good food!
AERIS: She threatened to kill me...again! Also, she put peroxide in my hairspray!
CID: She $& drenched my cigarettes in lighter fluid so that when I lit one, I #$& burst into flame!
VINCENT: She sang. The Backstreet Boys! (shudders)
SEPHIROTH: She beat me up! (everyone stares at him) Uh...I mean...she, uh, drew mustaches on my face with a marker while I was sleeping. Yeah, that's right!
TIFA: So. Who wants to protest with us?
SELPHIE: Are you kidding? I'm not gonna protest with you! You don't know what it's like to be violated like this!
AERIS: Hey, you're right! If anyone protests, it should be us, the ones in the game, not the rest of you!
TIFA: ?????
SQUALL: Yeah! Let's do our own protest!
QUISTIS: Squall, Selphie--guys, it's not that big a deal. It's just a new game, and Zell says you're not even there all that much.
SELPHIE: Grrrr! I've had enough of this! I can't stay in here any longer! I'm going to go protest this stupid crappy game! Who's with me?
KINGDOM HEARTS FOLK: I AM! HOORAY!!!!!
Selphie, Squall, Sephiroth, Cid, Vincent, Yuffie, Aeris, and Cloud all run outside, cheering, leaving everyone else standing there.
TIFA: That is so unfair! I was supposed to lead the protest!
RINOA: I can't believe Squall would just abandon me like that! I'm never speaking to him again!
IRVINE: I've never seen this side of Selphie before...it's kind of weird.
RED XIII: This is the worst thing that has ever happened to us. I think I would have fit perfectly in that game!
QUISTIS: Really? The worst?
RED XIII: Yes.
ZELL: Even worse than the time your tail-fire went out?
RED XIII: Uh, uh...how did you know about that? (runs away crying without waiting for an answer)
BARRET: Man, I'm gonna strangle that Cloud...
ZELL: Well, I'm gonna go play Kingdom Hearts. (starts for the living room)
QUISTIS: (grabs his arm) Hey, wait a second! You shouldn't be playing it! Our friends are in that game! We should be protesting it too!
ZELL: (whines) But Quisty...I'm at a hard part, and I have to get by it...I can't defeat my shadow!
RINOA: No, you know what? I say we play that stupid game, because then we will be protesting against those stupid jerks who ended up in Kingdom Hearts and abandoned us! Come on, Zell, let's go play that game!
QUISTIS: Uh, guys, I don't think that's really necessary...
Ignoring her, they go into the living room. A few minutes later, the sound of Kingdom Hearts music comes wafting into the room.
IRVINE: Eh, I've got nothing better to do. (goes into the living room)
TIFA: (to herself) I bet that two-timing Cloud went with them because of Aeris. I'd like to smash her face in! Why doesn't that hairpiece-wearing witch ever stay dead?
QUISTIS: ?????
BARRET: ?????
TIFA: Huh? Oh, uh, I didn't say anything. Excuse me. (rushes into the living room. They can hear her shouting,) Hey, guys, go to the part with Cloud! I wanna beat him up!
ZELL: But, Tifa, he's really hard!
BARRET: (glances around nervously) Uh...I'm just gonna, um, I... (runs into the living room)
QUISTIS: (sighs) Why don't they understand that it's just a game?
The doorbell rings. Hoping that maybe it's Selphie and Squall come back, Quistis opens the door. Seifer, Fujin, and Raijin stand on the doorstep.
SEIFER: Hi, Quistis. I was just wondering if I could borrow a cup of sugar. I'm making some cookies--uh, I mean, explosives, and I ran out.
QUISTIS: Uh...sure. Why are they here?
SEIFER: Who, my lackeys?
FUJIN: RAGE! (kicks him)
SEIFER: Owwww! Uh, I mean, my best of my bestest friends? They're here to beat you up in case you say no.
QUISTIS: Riiiiiiight...why don't you come in? I think there are some protesters on our lawn...
They come in. Quistis leaves to get the sugar, leaving Seifer, Fujin, and Raijin standing in the foyer. Seifer tilts his head.
SEIFER: Does that music sound familiar to you guys?
They listen for a second.
FUJIN: (gasp) AFFIRMATIVE!
RAIJIN: They're playin' Kingdom Hearts, ya know!
SEIFER: Kingdom Hearts? I love that game! Come on, guys! (they run into the living room)
In the living room, everyone is absorbed completely in the game. Zell is in Neverland, fighting his shadow.
SEIFER: Nooooo! That's not the way to do it! Give me that! (grabs for the controller)
ZELL: Eek! I mean, what are you doing here?
RINOA: Hey, you're not here to protest, are you?
TIFA: Yeah, cuz we're not protesting! This game rocks, doesn't it, guys? (They all cheer)
IRVINE: If they want to protest, they can go right ahead, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the game!
SEIFER: What are you freaks talking about?
Short pause.
BARRET: You're not here because you're mad about not being in the game?
SEIFER: Who gives a crap if I'm not in the game? You're playing it all wrong! Look, he's killing you!
ZELL: (looks back at the game) Oh, no! (starts pressing buttons frantically)
BARRET: No, hit him, not the desk!
SEIFER: Get the Heartless first, moron!
RINOA: No, use a spell! Use a spell!
RED XIII: (who has gotten over his crying fit) Quit giving Donald potions--he's wasting them!
IRVINE: Look out! He's gonna get you!
FUJIN: FLIGHT, SORA! FLIGHT, SORA!
RAIJIN: Hit him, ya know!
They continue to shout encouragement, while meanwhile, in the foyer...
QUISTIS: (holding a cup of sugar) Seifer, here's your...hello? Seifer? (looks around) Where are you?
The doorbell rings.
QUISTIS: Oh, good. Maybe that's him. (answers the door) Uh...yes?
SEPHIROTH: I would just like to say that I am not wavering at all in my protest against this vile game.
QUISTIS: Okay. Good. I guess.
SEPHIROTH: So we understand each other?
QUISTIS: I think so.
SEPHIROTH: Good.
Short pause.
QUISTIS: So...why are you standing on the doorstep?
SEPHIROTH: Can I use your bathroom? Selphie said I should go in the yard, but I just can't.
QUISTIS: (sighs and points towards the bathroom)
SEPHIROTH: Thanks! (runs into the house)
QUISTIS: (closes the door) Seifer had better not be hiding around here somewhere. Last time he broke into the house, it took us weeks to get the pudding off the ceiling! Seifer? Seifer, where are you?
She hears familiar voices coming from the living room, and goes to check it out. Seifer now has the controller, and is viciously fighting Captain Hook. Sephiroth has joined them.
SEPHIROTH: No, no! Go for the airship!
RINOA: For the last time, it's not an airship.
SEPHIROTH: Whatever...oh, now look! You've died!
Everyone groans unhappily.
TIFA: Okay! Now it's my turn!
ZELL: You already had a turn, control freak! It's mine now!
RINOA: No, guys, remember, it goes, Tifa, Zell, Seifer, Irvine, Barret, Red XIII, me, Fujin, Raijin, and then Sephiroth. You've already had your turn, controller-hog!
TIFA: Well, there's no need to call names! (under her breath) Stupid blue-wearing witch...
RINOA: What?
TIFA: I said...pretty, blue-wearing...uh...non-witch?
RINOA: Good.
IRVINE: (takes the controller) Okay, reset it!
QUISTIS: What are you guys doing?
FUJIN: OBVIOUS, NOT?
RAIJIN: Yeah, we're playin' Kingdom Hearts, ya know?
QUISTIS: But, Seifer, don't you want your sugar?
SEIFER: (as the game starts up again, stops listening, speaks absently) Okay, I'll stay away from the Garden, Quistis...
QUISTIS: (sighs) Sephiroth, what about you? I thought you wanted to use the bathroom.
SEPHIROTH: (tears his eyes away from the screen) Well...I did. But then I walked by and saw how cool this game was and decided to play. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Make him fly, Irvine! That's my favorite part!
RINOA: Hee, hee, that duck is soooo cute!
ZELL: Look out Irvine, it's the Heartless!
IRVINE: I see them!
BARRET: Hurry! Cast a spell!
IRVINE: I'm trying! Stop pressuring me!
QUISTIS: Okay, I've had enough of this. (leaves) I guess now I have to do something with this sugar...
The doorbell rings. Quistis suspiciously goes to open the door.
CLOUD: Hi, Quistis. We all still hate you guys, but I was just wondering--
QUISTIS: Wait. You hate us now?
CLOUD: Uhhhh...sure. Anyway, it's kind of cold outside, and Vincent won't share his cloak thingie. Could I borrow a blanket? I promise not to get it dirty.
QUISTIS: Fine, fine...why don't you come in? (lets him in)
CLOUD: Wow, this place looks nice! You really cleaned it up since that paintball incident!
QUISTIS: (sarcastically) Yeah, we considered leaving the paint all over the walls and furniture for eighteen months, but decided it wasn't worth it.
CLOUD: Huh? Why would you want to leave the paint on the walls and furniture? Wouldn't it be ugly?
QUISTIS: (sighs) I'll just go get your blanket. You wait here.
CLOUD: Okay. (Quistis leaves) I'll never understand FFVIII people. Hey, what's that catchy music? (wanders into the living room) What are you guys doing?
EVERYONE: SHHHHHH!!!!!
CLOUD: ?????
BARRET: (loud whisper) It's a plot point.
Everyone watches in total silence, wide-eyed. Cloud watches for a few seconds, then sits down between Rinoa and Red XIII.
CLOUD: (after the plot point is over) When's it my turn?
RINOA: Later. It's my turn, now.
SEPHIROTH: You're after me, Cloud.
CLOUD: Sephiroth? You said you had to go to the bathroom!
SEPHIROTH: I did. But...wow, look at that!
CLOUD: COOL!
FUJIN: AWE...
RINOA: Zell, is that Halloween Town?
ZELL: Yeah. It's my favorite place!
TIFA: Heh, lookit Donald! He looks like a mummy!
They all laugh over it and then watch closely as Rinoa plays the game.
In the foyer...
QUISTIS: Okay, Cloud, here's your blanket, and I don't suppose you need any sugar, do...you...? Cloud? Ugh, not again! (goes into the living room) Cloud, what are you doing?
CLOUD: This is the coolest game ever!
QUISTIS: But just a few minutes ago you were out protesting on the front lawn!
CLOUD: Shh, shh! I don't want to miss this part!
QUISTIS: That kid is just fighting a bunch of monster things!
CLOUD: Shhhhh!
QUISTIS: Well, do you want your blanket or not?
CLOUD: Whatever, just shut up!
Quistis throws the blanket at him and then stalks out.
QUISTIS: All of this fuss over one stupid video game...I should destroy that PlayStation Two when I get the chance...
The doorbell rings. Quistis throws open the door and glares at the person behind it.
QUISTIS: What do you want?
VINCENT: That wasn't very nice. Just because I'm protesting something that you're not doesn't mean we can't be friends!
QUISTIS: I said, what do you WANT???
VINCENT: Calm down. It's boring out there. I was wondering if I could borrow a book.
QUISTIS: Look, my room is upstairs, first room on the left, and I've got a whole bunch of books. Just pick whichever one you want.
VINCENT: Thank you.
QUISTIS: Oh, do you want any sugar?
VINCENT: (gives her an odd look)
QUISTIS: Su-gar. See? (holds out the cup)
VINCENT: Oh, sugar! You meant the cooking ingredient, not, like, uhhhh...kisses or something.
QUISTIS: (glaring darkly) Just go get the book and get out of here.
VINCENT: (rushes upstairs) Huh. Maybe Aeris is right about me spending less time on the Internet and more time among human civilization. (goes into Quistis' room) Huh? What is this crap? Guardian Forces: Love Them or Loathe Them? The SeeD's Guide to Weaponry? Ramona the Beloved Sorceress? Oh, I'll just pick one. Anything has to be better than listening to Selphie preach about how terrible her life is. (takes Dracula and goes back downstairs) ??? What's that sound? (goes into the living room)
RINOA: Tifa, how many times do I have to remind you, you go after Cloud, not after me.
TIFA: But my turn was so long ago!
ZELL: Guys! You gotta do something soon! It's playing that sample game again!
FUJIN: CONTROLLER, GIVE! TURN, MINE!
SEPHIROTH: I don't know...I think it might be my turn now...
FUJIN: FALSE!
SEIFER: Yeah, Fujin, are you sure you're not just stealing the controller? I think it's my turn.
FUJIN: RAGE! TURN, MINE!
RINOA: Yeah, Seifer, you already had a turn!
FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE!
RAIJIN: An', an', an' don' forget, Fujin, it's my turn after yours, ya know! Don' forget, ya know!
FUJIN: I know, I know...
VINCENT: Wow...what's that?
IRVINE: That's Halloween Town.
VINCENT: (drops Dracula near the door and sits down to watch) Oh, no! Bad guys! Fujin, watch out!
FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE!
In the foyer...
QUISTIS: Ugh, that game is making me mad! It's like some kind of mind control device! Yeah, mind control! And it should be destroyed for the good of mankind! If I destroyed it, I'd really be doing society a favor! Yeah! I'll do it! Right n--
The doorbell rings.
QUISTIS: (opens the door)
SQUALL: Hey.
QUISTIS: Squall, you live here. Why didn't you just walk in?
SQUALL: Uh...right. ::Stupid GF! I knew Selphie was lying!:: Listen, Quistis, I was wondering if...
QUISTIS: Well, let's see. For some reason, you're not wearing your jacket, so you're probably cold, aren't you?
SQUALL: ...Maybe...
QUISTIS: And you want your jacket, don't you?
SQUALL: Well, the outfit isn't the same without it. Could I just run inside and get it? I left it in the living room.
QUISTIS: Listen, Squall. You're my very good friend, so I don't want to see you get hurt. You shouldn't go in the living room. I'll get the jacket for you because I can handle it--I've been in there before.
SQUALL: Quistis, you're being stupid.
QUISTIS: NO! Let me, please. Here, just stand right here inside the door, and I'll get it.
SQUALL: Quistis, why are you carrying a cup of sugar around?
QUISTIS: Never mind. (goes into the living room) Vincent, you too?
VINCENT: (not paying attention) No, thanks.
QUISTIS: And I thought you were intelligent.
RINOA: Uh-huh...
QUISTIS: I'm not even going to bother anymore. Look, I just came in here for Squall's coat. Has anyone seen it?
A couple of them glance around.
ZELL: What does it look like?
QUISTIS: What do you mean, what does it look like? He's been wearing it every single day for almost as long as he's known you!
ZELL: Uh...it's those, uh, things, whaddya call them...
IRVINE: What?
ZELL: You know, those things that steal your memory...
RINOA: (staring at the screen) You mean the Heartless?
ZELL: YES! Wait. No. The Heartless Forces, or the Guardians of the Keyblade, something like that...anyway, they made me forget what his jacket looked like.
QUISTIS: Well, all right then, it's black, with a kind of girly-looking furry thing around the collar...
RED XIII: Oh, you mean this? (Stands up to reveal Squall's jacket, much-nuzzled and covered with orange fur)
QUISTIS: Red XIII, you used his jacket as a bed?
SQUALL: (from the foyer) WHAT??? (comes into the living room)
QUISTIS: Squall, no!
SQUALL: Man, you're like a dog! I have to have this thing dry-cleaned, you know? It's gonna take ages to get all this fur out! (glances at the screen) Whatcha doing?
ZELL: Playing Kingdom Hearts.
SQUALL: Oh. You mean with Leon the moron? (chuckles to himself)
TIFA: Yeah.
IRVINE: Actually, Squall, Leon isn't that bad.
SQUALL: Really?
CLOUD: Yeah! He has the voice of Angel from Buffy, and he's so funny!
VINCENT: (laughing) Hey, yeah, remember how Yuffie is always like, "Squall," and Leon's like, "No, my name is Leon!"
They all laugh, except for Quistis, who doesn't get it. Squall laughs even though he doesn't get it.
SQUALL: (tosses his jacket aside) So, is he gonna show up soon?
RAIJIN: I think so, ya know. I just have ta get past the unfolding hill, ya know.
FUJIN: MORON! LEON, IN THIS LEVEL, NOT.
IRVINE: Oh, yeah, you have to go back to Traverse Town.
BARRET: He's in the sewers there.
ZELL: Yeah, like Batman or something!
SQUALL: Cool!
QUISTIS: Well, I've lost him. (goes back into the foyer) This stupid sugar probably isn't even good anymore! I should just throw it away...
The doorbell rings. Quistis sighs and goes to answer it.
QUISTIS: I'm going to have that doorbell ripped out!
YUFFIE: Okay, whatever. Listen, I'm really hungry. Can I have something to eat? Ooh, sugar! Thanks! (takes the sugar from Quistis and starts happily licking at it) Where is everyone? I'm supposed to find out what happened to Cloud. Aeris is afraid he died or something.
QUISTIS: Everyone is in there. (points at the living room)
YUFFIE: Thanks! (goes into the living room) Hey, Kingdom Hearts! My favorite game!
QUISTIS: At least I got rid of the sugar, but I bet I'll regret giving it to her in a while...
The doorbell rings. Quistis opens the door.
AERIS: Where are they???
QUISTIS: Who?
AERIS: Cloud and Tifa! I know they're trysting here! That's why it's taking him so long to get a blanket!
QUISTIS: Uh, listen, Aeris, I don't think that's what--
AERIS: Don't try to protect them! Did she put you up to that? Did she? Thinks she's so great with her bar and her fists...well, I came back to life! Beat that!
QUISTIS: They're in the living room.
AERIS: Good! I'm going to give them a beating they'll never forget! (storms into the living room) I am so mad at you...guys...what is that?
EVERYONE: Kingdom Hearts.
AERIS: Cloud? You and Tifa aren't trysting?
CLOUD: Nooo, Sephiroth! Use the Trinity move, the Trinity move!
SEPHIROTH: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of!
SEIFER: Yeah, the Trinity move takes too long! Use magic instead!
FUJIN: DISAGREEMENT! FLIGHT, SORA!
RINOA: You always want Sora to fly.
RAIJIN: But it's so cool, ya know?
AERIS: Wow, he's flying! Look at all those little sparkles! Heh, and that duck is pretty cute! (she sits down and starts watching too)
QUISTIS: (disappointed, goes back into the foyer) This game is the work of the devil! It made Tifa and Aeris not argue! What kind of sick, twisted, alternate reality is this?
The doorbell rings.
QUISTIS: I guess that must be Selphie.
She opens the door.
YOUNG MAN: Are you interested in subscribing to the Balamb Post?
QUISTIS: (is so confused that she just closes the door) Huh. That was weird.
The doorbell rings again. Quistis opens the door, expecting the Balamb Post kid.
SELPHIE: What is going on in there?
QUISTIS: Selphie?
SELPHIE: (comes into the house) I mean, either you guys are luring them to your side, or you're brainwashing them! First Sephiroth has to go to the bathroom and is a wuss and won't go in the yard, then Cloud is cold, then Vincent is bored and claims he has an "educated mind..."
QUISTIS: Uh-huh...
SELPHIE: Then Squall gets cold because he forgot to put on his jacket like the mega-dork he is, then Aeris gets all suspicious of Cloud and makes Yuffie go check on him, then Aeris gets worried because Yuffie hasn't come back and goes to check on both of them, leaving me all alone in my protest! It's so lame to protest by yourself! What are they doing in here?
QUISTIS: Playing Kingdom Hearts.
SELPHIE: What?????
QUISTIS: Yeah.
SELPHIE: How could they? We were a team! (goes into the living room) You traitors! You're supposed to be protesting against this game!
IRVINE: Not now, Selphie.
VINCENT: I finally get a turn and Tifa tries to kill me for it...
TIFA: I did not! That was an amiable tap on the shoulder!
VINCENT: My nose is bleeding!
TIFA: Oh, boo-hoo. You clawed up Cloud's arm earlier.
VINCENT: Well...that was before. If you hadn't hit me, then I wouldn't have died! Squall, you stay away from that controller!
SQUALL: But it's my turn! You died! That's the rule!
VINCENT: It was an unfair death brought on by Tifa!
ZELL: Give it up, Valentine, that's the rules.
AERIS: Yeah, Vincent. Quit hogging the game. Some other people want turns too!
VINCENT: You're just saying that because you're two turns after Squall.
TIFA: No, I'm two turns after Squall!
SEIFER: If anyone is, it's me, you big...slut!
TIFA: How dare you! (slaps him)
RAIJIN: (wistfully) It's been so long since my last turn, ya know...
RED XIII: Not as long as it's been since mine!
ZELL: Well, I've been waiting practically forever to play it, and it's my game!
FUJIN: SULLENNESS. IMPATIENCE!
SELPHIE: HEY! EVERYONE LISTEN TO ME!
They all look at her.
SELPHIE: Squall, Cloud, Vincent, Sephiroth, Yuffie, and Aeris, what are you guys doing in here?
AERIS: We're playing Kingdom Hearts.
SEPHIROTH: Duh.
SELPHIE: DUH? When does Sephiroth EVER say DUH?
SEPHIROTH: I just did. Weren't you listening?
CLOUD: It must be those Guardian-Force-things that made you forget.
SELPHIE: But we hate this game, remember? Sephiroth, what about your agent? No one got your permission to be in this game!
SEPHIROTH: Eh. Besides, I'm the coolest character in the whole game. You have to be at level one hundred to beat me, and I get a wing! It's awesome!
SELPHIE: What about you, Squall? Do you want to be Leon for the rest of your life?
SQUALL: I thought I hated it, but that was before I played the game. It actually makes more sense when you play the game. I'm all mysterious and stuff. It's cool! Plus, my voice is David Boreanaz! I'm Buffy's boyfriend!
RINOA: EX-boyfriend!
SQUALL:.....................whatever...
SELPHIE: Vincent, you were angry because you're not even in the game! It's just Cloud wearing your outfit!
VINCENT: Yeah, but we look so cool!
CLOUD: Right on! (they high-five)
SELPHIE: Oh, please. You look like you just jumped out of the eighties. Anyway, Cloud, they totally changed your character. Aren't you mad?
CLOUD: Not really. Like Vincent said, we're way cooler in this game than we ever could be by ourselves. It's really for the best.
SELPHIE: Aeris? Don't you feel violated at all?
AERIS: Not really. Look at my pretty blue belt! (points at the screen) Plus, it's just such a cute game! Look at the duck, and that...other thing.
SELPHIE: Yuffie?!?
YUFFIE: Well, to be honest, I was never against the game. I was just doing that cuz I thought you guys would think I was cool. I like this game. I get to wear a tank top, and I hang out with Aerith and Squ--oh, I mean, Leon all the time.
Everyone laughs hysterically except for Quistis and Selphie.
SELPHIE: This is an outrage! Our rights and characters have been violated, and you guys just sit down and take it! Well, I'm not going to! I'm going to--
TIFA: Oh, look, Selphie, there you are!
SELPHIE: Huh? Where?
BARRET: Right there!
SELPHIE: ...that's me?
IRVINE: Yeah! Aren't you cute?
SELPHIE: Well...I guess so...but even so, I'm still...
RINOA: Awwwww! Wookit her wittle jump rope!
SELPHIE: (small laugh) It is kinda cute...
CLOUD: And those big green eyes...
On screen, Sora finishes "fighting" Selphie, and she says, "Oh, I give up..."
SELPHIE: That's me? That's my voice?
VINCENT: It's so cute!
SEPHIROTH: She's so adorable!
SELPHIE: I didn't know I looked like that. My voice is the cutest thing in the world! (pause) Give me that controller!
YUFFIE: EEEEK! No, it's mine! Squall died, so it's my turn! You have to wait! You can be after Aeris!
TIFA: NOOOOOO! I'm supposed to be after Aeris! You guys keep adding new people in! That isn't fair!
ZELL: You think it's not fair? I was planning on spending a quiet afternoon playing Kingdom Hearts by myself!
FUJIN: COMPLAINTS, ASSIST MUCH.
RAIJIN: Uh...Fujin, are ya bein' sarcastic, ya know?
FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE.
RAIJIN: It's so hard to tell, ya know.
FUJIN: What? You've known me all my life and you can't even tell when I'm being sarcastic? You...jerk! (starts crying)
RAIJIN: Uh...ya know...
SEIFER: Oh, god, you made her cry, Raijin. Give me the controller!
YUFFIE: NO! Pay attention to Fujin; she's in pain!
FUJIN: sniff Affirmative...
TIFA: Aw, poor Fujin.
RINOA: What can we do to make you feel better?
FUJIN: (wailing) They're always forgetting I have feelings!
SELPHIE: I know, but how can we make it better?
FUJIN: sniff Well...I guess if you really wanted to, you could...(stops crying suddenly) Give me the controller! (leaps towards Yuffie)
YUFFIE: NEVER!
IRVINE: Hey! No fair, you did that on purpose!
FUJIN: (pulling Yuffie's hair) AFFIRMATIVE!
SEPHIROTH: Well, if you get to cheat, then so do I! (pulls out his sword and jumps towards Yuffie and Fujin)
AERIS: NO! MY TURN IS SUPPOSED TO BE NEXT! (grabs Sephiroth's arm and bites it hard)
ZELL: You guys have been hogging the game ever since I started playing it!
TIFA: Well, it's our game now! (punches him in the face)
ZELL: HEY! (punches her back)
TIFA: OW!
CLOUD: Ha! I'm stronger than all the rest of you! (leaps into the fray and gets elbowed in the face by Yuffie)
YUFFIE: Keep away from me, scumbag!
RAIJIN: Hey, I know! I'll use thunder magic to break them up, ya know!
SEIFER: Great idea! Then I'll take the controller!
RAIJIN: WHAT???
SEIFER: Well, that's the way it goes. I'm the boss.
RAIJIN: You wish, ya know! (uses thunder magic on Seifer instead)
QUISTIS: No! No magic in the house!
RINOA: Magic? That's a great idea!
QUISTIS: No, I said no magic!
RINOA: (starts to summon one of the GFs, but loses her concentration when she is kicked in the shins by Aeris) Hey! Come back here you resurrected freak! Squall, help me!
SQUALL: Nice try! I've almost got the controller, and then I'll be the one in charge!
VINCENT: Oh, no, you don't! That controller is MINE! (claws Squall)
BARRET: HEY, vampire, you mean it's mine!
SELPHIE: (swinging her nunchaku everywhere) Get out of the way! It's my turn now!
IRVINE: Selphie, you're so cute and pretty...but YOU'RE NOT GETTING THAT CONTROLLER!
Horrified, Quistis stares at the madness.
QUISTIS: STOP! STOP! EVERYONE STOP!
They stop, ending up with Vincent holding the controller in his mouth, Aeris using his claw to scratch Seifer, Fujin pulling on one of his legs, Barret hitting him over the head with his gun-hand, Yuffie biting Fujin's arm, Sephiroth pulling on Vincent's other leg, Tifa sitting on Zell and twisting Raijin's ear, Cloud pulling Tifa's hair, Rinoa stamping on Squall's foot, and Squall pulling on Vincent's arm.
QUISTIS: Look at yourselves! It's just a stupid game!
Everyone untangles themselves from everyone else.
SELPHIE: No! No, it's not just a stupid game!
TIFA: It's a wonderful, magnificent game!
SEPHIROTH: The best game ever!
SEIFER: Look, we'll even prove it to you. Try playing it.
TIFA: What? But it's my turn!
Zell pinches her, and she shuts up.
QUISTIS: No, I don't think--
IRVINE: Come on, Quisty, just try it!
QUISTIS: Fine. But if I don't like it, I'm turning it off.
EVERYONE: Okay!
Quistis plays for a little while.
QUISTIS: This is so stupid! I don't even know what's going on!
ZELL: No, really, this is the last time you have to fight Ansem, I swear. It's not even that hard. Just ignore those laser things.
SEIFER: Yeah, Quistis, just beat him up! It's not that hard!
QUISTIS: Okay, there, fine! I did it! And this FMV is cheesy and stupid and I don't get it! And don't even get me started on that stupid pop song "Simple and Clean..."
TIFA: Blasphemer!
VINCENT: Yeah! We should destroy her! Everyone should like Kingdom Hearts!
RINOA: God, get a life, Vincent.
VINCENT: Well...I don't really have one...that's the whole point, cause I'm dead, see, and...oh, never mind!
IRVINE: Quisty, you can't stop now! We have to watch all the way to the end!
QUISTIS: No! I have been putting up with this crap all day long, and I'm sick of it! You guys are getting sucked into this game, and I'm putting an end to it right now! I'm going to unplug that game and then I'm going to burn the Play...Station...(gasps)
EVERYONE: Ooooooh...
QUISTIS: (staring at the screen wide-eyed, sits down, stunned) Look at the graphics...
YUFFIE: They're so pretty...
SELPHIE: Even better than ours!
TIFA: Aw! Look! Cloud-Vincent and Aeris finally found each other! That's so sweet!
SEPHIROTH: (choked up) I think I'm going to cry...
FUJIN: ENDING, HAPPY!
AERIS: But what about Kairi? Did Sora ever find her?
VINCENT: I hope he does. I don't think my life will have meaning anymore if he doesn't.
QUISTIS: Hey! Guys! You know what I noticed?
ZELL: What?
QUISTIS: We just watched all the way to the end, even past the end credits, and we didn't get the special secret ending.
They all look around at each other.
QUISTIS: ...So, it's still my turn, right?
YUFFIE: No, it's my turn! It was my turn when we gave it to you, so it's my turn again!
TIFA: But we should just start over from the beginning with me. So hand it over.
QUISTIS: In your dreams, slut!
TIFA: Hey!
She punches Quistis, who drops the controller. Sephiroth, Zell, Fujin, Squall, Selphie, and Yuffie all leap for it.
SEPHIROTH: Let go!
ZELL: It's mine!
FUJIN: TURN, MINE!
SQUALL: Give it up, morons!
SELPHIE: You guys are being mega-unfair!
YUFFIE: Come on, you know it's my turn!
And so, Kingdom Hearts claimed another seventeen victims.
The End