Disclaimer 1: Song credits in this one go to the wonderful Billy Joel

Disclaimer 2: Also I do not own the Hobbit or the characters that appear in it. Happy?

"Wellllllll you went uptown ridin' in your limousine

With your fine Park Avenue clothes

You had the Dom Perignon in your hand

And the spoon up your nose

And when you wake up in the morning

With your head on fire

And your eyes too bloody to see

Go on and cry in your coffee

But don't come bitchin' to me…"

"Because you had to be a big shot, didn'tcha - come on, brother! Sing!" Kili gave a whoop of joy and stomped on the accelerator, forcing the car forward with a stomach-wrenching jolt. His long black hair, wild and free as ever, was blown back from his face, his jean V-neck collar slapped fearfully at his pale chest, and his brown eyes watered with the thrill of it all but still he begged the car for more speed. He looked over at his brother and was annoyed to find that he was not fazed by his burst of impulsivity. One arm draped outside of the nonexistent window, his golden hair blowing neatly in the rushing wind, Fili looked for all the world as if they were just out on a regular Sunday drive to nowhere. But they weren't on a regular Sunday drive to nowhere. Didn't he know that? Well, he doesn't have to look so damn smug, Kili thought to himself, taking one hand off of the steering wheel (a move that he knew irked his oh-so-proper brother.) Fili smiled at such a childish attempt at annoying him and slowly turned his blue eyes back to the road ahead. In the beginning he hadn't been so sure about their destination and the events leading up to it. He certainly didn't share his brother's dismissive attitude towards the whole thing nor was he despondent about it either. Really, he was just resigned and ready to start a new life. But in that moment all he was focused on was Kili's peculiar driving antics and the way that he kept weaving around the yellow divider.

"Look, do you want me to drive?" He finally asked when Kili almost drove them into a wire fence six feet from the lonely cement road. Kili shook his head, making the wooden beads ('hippie beads' as Fili liked to call them) on the ends of his braids whip him in the face.

"Nope," he said in that surprisingly deep voice of his. He swerved to avoid a dead cat in the road. "You might kill us."

"Kill us?" Fili said with mock offense, "There's no doubt about it. But if I drive we'll end up dead in a much more pleasant way. With you're driving we'll end up like that poor, squashed animal back there."

"That was curiosity that killed that poor, squashed animal, not me! Now shut up and enjoy the wonderful scenery." He reached out with a ringed hand and turned the volume on the radio to ten, the highest that it could go. Billy Joel's voice rose from the heart of the old, rusty convertible with a fiery exuberance that made all living things in the general vicinity pause and look up in horror. Kili whooped again, bit his lip, and beat the steering wheel in time with the music with his large hands. Fili sighed. Why did he even try?

"At least go faster if you're going to kill us. I want my last moments to be one of awe and excitement, not resigned boredom."

Kili raised his eyebrows and laughed at the not-so-subtle jibe. He was going to provide his brother with some kind of snappy retort but his mind was like the vehicle that he was driving: tempestuous, wild, and unable to move in a straight line at times. Besides, his favorite part of the song was coming up and he had to prepare to sing it as loud as possible. His goal was to wake all of the inhabitants in a fifty mile radius, you see. He took a big breath in, his chest swelling against the tear in his jacket.

"Hey, brother? Are you nervous at all? About meeting Him, I mean. He can't be that terrible considering he was kind enough to open up his home to us but-"

What a useless endeavor. Kili was wrapped up in his own world and even though he had heard every word that his brother had spoken he was simply not interested in responding. Now it was his turn to flash Fili an undaunted, pearly-white smile (the likes of which had melted many artists' hearts) and in return Fili could only shake his head. Of course, he should have known not to interrupt his brother while he was singing Big Shot yet at the same time he felt like something had to be said about what they were doing and why they were doing it. A necessary prelude is what he had been getting at but, as expected, Kili just was not interested in such 'namsy, pamsy stuff.'

"Motherfucker," Fili whispered, bringing his hand up to his bearded chin. Now his brother definitely heard that. He caught Kili's eye and quickly looked away, a handsome smile growing on his lips. Soon that smile was replaced with suppressed chuckling and soon suppressed chuckling became untrammeled laughter for both brothers. Kili tossed his head and squeezed the poor, tortured steering wheel in uncontained merriment. The way he saw it, there was no need to fear what was coming. He had taken on many difficult things in life and, besides, he was all for an unexpected adventure. The fact that he literally had no idea where he was going in life anymore made the whole thing even more alluring.

He stomped the accelerator again and sent the car speeding forward, the sound of his raucous voice engulfing all that surrounded them.

Xxxxx

Two hours later found the two men pulling into a grand driveway. Before them stood a proud but terribly silent mansion swathed in its own shadows and tiny, creeping vines that snuck along the edges of its worn, grey bricks. All around them lay signs of the mysterious patron's wealth: the driveway spread around the car in a wide, dusty brown circle that was fringed by dark green vegetation, various fountains stood scattered about on the trimmed lawn, and the whole estate gave off the distinct impression of pleasing uniformity and cleanliness. Tiny birds the size of their ears chased bees and the occasional lost squirrel through pungent, sun-bathed bushes but aside from that all was still.

There was one more thing that caught each brother's eye as they eased into the driveway. There, standing like a proud, metallic beast amongst an ancient realm, stood a glinting, silver Cadillac of the likes that one rarely saw on the streets. Its polished body shone a burning light on all that it touched – save for the shadows of the mansion – and yet reflected everything around in humorously disproportionate blurs. Fili stared at his smudged face pass by as his brother suddenly gunned the engine and drifted into a dust-raising half-circle around the driveway. The sharp Cadillac was momentarily forgotten as Fili clutched the door in alarm (what good what it have done? The damn thing was so close to falling off, anyway) and directed a thousand mental curses at his brother.

"Idiot," he hissed when they finally came to a grumbling stop. Kili simply laughed and opened his door – another useless endeavor, in his excitement to get out of the car he simply toppled over the side and went sprawling beard-first into the dust. Fili, however, chose to do it the proper way and instead stepped cleanly and majestically out of the old car. He looked up at the silent mansion with apprehension as his brother muttered curses at the dirt. All of the windows had been obscured by black, velvety drapes giving the façade of the mansion the appearance of having closed eyes covered in black eye shadow of the sort that Kili used to wear. Was the man of the house in there somewhere, watching their every move?

Kili popped up next to him and clapped him on the shoulder. "You alright, brother?" he asked with that customary grin of his. He went around the back of the car and popped the trunk, not even bothering to look up at the magnificent house. Fili shrugged and drew his eyes away from the haunting curtains. He joined his brother around the back and helped him retrieve their bags.

"Dunno," he grunted as he tugged out his suitcase, "it's too quiet. Like a grave yard."

"That's why you've got to come in with a bang and shake things up a little bit. Why else do you think I would have toppled out of the car?"

"Because you're fucking thick. Help me with this suitcase."

Fili swung the suitcase into his brother's chest with an impressive force that sent the younger man stumbling backwards. Kili retaliated by dropping the suitcase and shoving his shoulders playfully. Thus a meaningless, brotherly tussle sprung up between the two and this would have gone on for a while had not the front door suddenly swung open in the blood-curdling wake of the Man.

The two brothers froze mid-tackle and stared up at the man with apprehensive eyes. He was tall – almost impossibly so – and the silver, leather boots that he wore around black cupro trousers made him seem even taller. It was obvious that he was not a man to be toyed with; on the contrary he seemed the type of man who made a sport of toying with others without fear of retribution. But this was not what caught their breaths and struck their hearts cold. There was something distinctly reptilian about the man: his cheekbones were high and sharp and taught beneath marble-white skin, his eyes were black as polished obsidian and glinted with fierce delight, and when he turned the brilliance of his predatory smile upon them his canine teeth, bared, reminded the two brothers of tiny spears shoved carelessly into his gums.

He stepped off of the cement steps with a feigned politeness that contradicted the grandeur of his every movement. His eyes rolled slowly from Kili to Fili and back again and it was to the younger man that he held out his hand.

"You must be Thorin's nephews – Fili and Kili, I suppose," Kili suddenly noticed the diamond and silver rings that graced each finger as the man walked towards him, his hand still extended in a welcoming gesture. Slowly his eyes traveled up the golden buttons and fur lined collar of the man's leather jacket and to his ear where a solitary cross made of gold hung. His heart quickened at the sight of so much wealth and luxury and, for a moment, he could only stare mutely at the man's neck where a string of cerulean jewels disappeared into his cotton shirt. He didn't know why but he suddenly felt uncontrollably attracted to all of that wealth: it was as if a primal lust for precious stones of the deeper, darker parts of the earth had awoken within him. He suddenly wished that the old wooden beads on his chest weren't so exposed. The man noted Kili's fascination with obvious delight before turning his eyes on his brother and shaking his hand with a rough, almost scaly grip. "My name is Smaug. Some call me the Dragon but I'm never sure why."

"In ancient tales dragons had an appreciation for fine things," Fili said cordially. He glanced once at his brother who was still staring at the man's necklace, "Our mother used to read us old lore and such. You know, dwarves, elves, Hobbits…"

"I see,"

"I'm sorry," Kili said unapologetically. He roused himself from his reverie and glared at Smaug. "Who exactly are you?"

"That depends. I am who I want to be and can be who you need me to be – that is, if you stay on my good side. Yet again, I don't really have a bad one," he laughed, all the while keeping his black eyes fixed on Kili's face. Kili didn't like the stare nor did he appreciate the man's grating laughter. He could almost imagine smoke pouring from his nose and fire spilling forth from between his teeth like the beasts in his mother's tales. He was glad when the man gave a final hmph of satisfaction and shut his mouth.

"Everyone has a bad side," Kili muttered, "worse still if they can't identify themselves to the guests of the man who owns this place." Kili tossed his head at the mansion behind them.

"You say that as if you have some sort of…right,"

"Maybe I do,"

The two men glared at each other in silence. I'll be damned if I let this man win, Kili thought to himself as he stared with unblinking eyes into the man's face. But just as his eyes began to water Smaug gave another hmph (Kili was almost sure that he had seen smoke rolling from his nose) and stuck a hand in his jacket.

"I like you," he said. He pulled a card out from his inner pocket and held it up to him, "I could use a man like you. Oh yes. That hot temper will come in handy for me one day. Besides," here he flashed a grin at Fili, "you have Thorin's blood in you! Both of you! There are few things that I desire more than that. Sarog!"

The two brothers turned in surprise and found a little man standing awkwardly in the doorway. He was hideous beyond all belief and stood crouched like a man unused to walking on two legs. He shuffled past them with many a snort and a sniffle, his beady eyes roaming angrily over Kili's face as he put his hand up to shield his nose from the stench. The two men got into the car and pulled slowly out of the driveway, pausing one last time before the two brothers. Smaug stared with unabashed curiosity at Kili and, for a moment, it seemed as if he was going to call out to him, but his lips remained set in a thin line and before either man could arrange their face into a proud snarl the Cadillac sped out of the driveway, covering the men in a fine layer of dust.

"Dirty, money-loving, gold-snatching, son of a donkey always getting fingerprints on my prize vases and disturbing second breakfast! As if it wasn't enough having eleven other men in this house. Calling themselves the Company and whatnot. Company of what, if I may ask? Oh-ho, best not get involved –" once again the two brothers turned in surprise and stared at the little man that stood sweeping the dust from the doorstep. He was neither old nor young, plain nor memorable, and went about his work with the air of a man who is constantly harassed by the little things in life. Fili glanced conspiratorially at his brother and took a step forward.

"You there! Are you the master of this house?" The man looked up and squinted at them. Kili was immediately reminded of a little rabbit with its button-nose in the air and its ears twitching attentively. He would have smiled at the comparison but he was still feeling rather sour from his meeting with Smaug.

"Who's asking?"

"Fili and Kili, nephews of Thorin Oakensheild." The man gave a gasp and a hop and dropped the broom in his excitement.

"You weren't due for another week," he squeaked, rubbing his hands frantically over the fabric of his yellow vest, "what are you playing at, showing up unexpected like this? This is the twelfth time – twelfth time, do you hear me? – that something like this has happened. First there was Balin and Bifur, then Ori, Nori, Dori, Gloin – Balin didn't even use the front door mind you – and other relatives and relations that-"

"I don't think this is our illustrious host," Fili whispered in his brother's ear.

"I don't think this is an illustrious anything. Come on," Kili picked up his bags and tucked one beneath each arm. His pushed past the babbling man – pausing only once to inform him that he was Kili and he was very much at his service - before trudging into the dimly lit hall, his brother following close behind. Almost immediately the smell of food descended upon them like a warm, tempting wave and all thoughts of the mysterious Smaug vanished from their minds. Kili had no idea where he was going – he only knew to follow his feet as it tread upon the rich, Persian carpet and his fine nose as it snuffled at the delicious scent in the air. Finally he reached the end of the hall and found himself standing before two massive double doors that could have graced the entrance of a large kingdom. What with the ancient bricks and grey, lamp-lit walls he could have been inside a miniature castle but he didn't care. A feast lay behind those double doors and that's all that he was concerned about. The sound of drunken laughter and purposeless shouting could be heard from within and this excited him. The man pushed past him and laid his ringed hands on the wooden knob.

"Bilbo Baggins, by the way," he said reproachfully and a bit breathlessly, "welcome to the home of Thorin Oakensheild." With that he pulled the doors open and the two brothers gasped in delight.

"I don't know about you," Kili said, his face lit like a child's from the fire roaring within, "But I could get used to this place."

Author's Note: Hey! So I wrote a thing! *points at story* What do you think? You like? If I decide to go ahead with this story I want to make it as metaphorically correct as possible considering the fact that it's, you know, completely different from what Tolkien intended (sorry Tolkien) which means that even though all of the characters are human they are going to be as similar to their original forms as possible. That's why Smaug (he is literally Benedict Cumberbatch in this one,) is all decked out in jewels 'n stuff, Kili was excited by such wealth (remember, dwarves value fine stones and rocky fruits of the earth,) and Bilbo (yes, Martin Freeman) is always scurrying about, constantly harassed like a Hobbit. Also, I hope you're prepared: this will be a very Kili/Thorin, but not definite, Thorin/Fili (the latter is still on the drawing board and might only ever be implied) story. *points at story again* Anyway read on! If you don't like it *points at door* get out.

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