I own absolutely nothing. All credit goes to Rebecca Donovan and Tom Lynch. Enjoy!
Breathe! My eyes swelled as i swallowed against the lump in my throat. Frustrated with my weakness, i swiftly brushed away the tears that had forced their way down my cheeks with the back of my hand. I couldn't think about it anymore - i would explode.
I looked around the room that was mine but had no true connection to me - a hand-me-down desk with a mismatched chair against the wall, and next to it a three tiered bookcase that had seen too many homes in too many years. There were no pictures on the walls. No reminders of who i was before i came here. It was just a space where i could hide - hide from the pain, the glares, and the cutting words.
Why was i here? I knew the answer. It wasn't a choice to be here; it was a necessity. I had nowhere else to go, and they couldn't turn their backs on me. They were the only family i had, and for that i couldn't be grateful.
I lay on my bed, attempting to avert my attention to my homework. I winced as i reached for my trigonometry book. I couldn't believe my shoulder was sore already. Great! I looked like i'd be wearing long sleeves again this week.
The aching pain in my shoulder caused horrific images to flash through my head. I felt the anger rising, making me clench my jaw and grit my teeth. I took a deep breath and allowed a dull wash of nothingness to envelope me. I needed to push it out of my head, so i forced myself to concentrate on my homework.
A soft tap on the door woke me. I propped myself up on my elbows and tried to focus in my dark room. I must have been asleep for about an hour, but i didn't remember dozing off.
"Yeah," i answered, my voice caught in my throat.
"Spence?" the small, cautious voice called out as my door slowly opened.
"You can come in, Jack." I tried to sound welcoming despite my crushed disposition.
His hand gripped the doorknob as his head - not much taller than the knob - peeked in.
Jack's wide brown eyes scanned the room until they connected with mine - i could tell he was very nervous about what he might find - and he smiled at me in relief. He knew way too much for his six years.
"Dinner's ready," he said, looking down. I realized it wasn't the message he wanted to be responsible for giving me.
"I'll be right there." I tried to smile back to assure him it was okay. He walked back to the voices in the other room. The clatter of platters and bowls being set on the table could be heard down the hall, along with Leyla's excited voice. If anyone were to observe this routine, they would think this was the picture-perfect American family sitting down to enjoy dinner together.
The picture changed when i crept out of my room. The air became thick with discord, with the crushing reminder that i existed, a blemish to their portrait. I took another deep breath and tried to convince myself that i could get through this. It was just another night, right? But that was the problem.
I walked slowly down the hall and into the light of the dining room. My stomach turned as i crossed the threshold. I kept my gaze down at my hands which i twisted in anticipation. To my relief, nobody noticed me when i entered.
"Spence!" Leyla exclaimed, running to me. I bent down, allowing her to jump into my arms. She gave me a tight embrace around my neck. I released a breathy grunt when the pain shot up my arm.
"Did you see my picture?" she asked, so proud of her swirls of pink and yellow. I felt the glare on my back, knowing that if it were a knife, i'd be incapacitated instantly.
"Mom, did you see my drawing of Tyrannosaurus Rex?" I heard Jack as, attempting to distract her.
"That's wonderful, honey," she praised, her attention drawn to her son.
"It's beautiful," I said to Leyla, looking into her dancing brown eyes. "Why don't you go ahead and sit for dinner, okay?"
"Okay," she agreed. She had no idea that her affectionate gesture had caused tension at the dinner table. How could she? She was four, and to her i was the older cousin she idolized, while she was my sun in this dark house. I could never blame her for the added grief her fondness for me caused.
The conversation picked up, and thankfully i became invisible once again. After waiting until everyone was served, i helped myself to the chicken, peas, and potatoes. I could sense that my every move was being scrutinized, so i kept my focus on my plate while i ate. What i'd taken wasn't nearly enough to satisfy my hunger, but i didn't dare take more.
I didn't listen to the words coming from her mouth as she went on and on about her trying day at work. Her voiced raked through me, making my stomach turn. George responded with a comforting remark, attempting to reassure her as he always did. The only acknowledgment i i received was when i asked to be excused. George looked across the table with his ambivalent eyes and dryly granted my request.
I gathered my plate along with Jack's and Leyla's since they'd already left to watch TV in the living room. I begin my nightly routine of scraping plates and placing them in the dishwasher, along with scrubbing the pans that George had used to prepare the dinner.
I waited for the voices to move into the living room before i returned to the table to finish clearing. After washing the dishes, taking out the trash and sweeping the floor, i headed back to my room. I passed the living room with the sounds of the TV and the kids' laughter in the background. I slipped by unnoticed, as usual.
I lay on my bed, plugging in the earphones to my iPod, and turned the volume up so my mind was too preoccupied with the music to think. Tomorrow i would have a game after school that would keep me late, missing our wonderful family dinner. I breathed deep and closed my eyes. Tomorrow was another day - one day closer to leaving this all behind.
I rolled on my side, forgetting about my shoulder for a moment, until painfully reminded of what i was leaving behind. I shut off my light and let the music drone me to sleep.
I grabbed a granola bar on my way through the kitchen with a duffel bag in hand and my backpack slung over my shoulder. Leyla's eyes widened with delight when she saw me. I went over and kissed the top of her head, making a conscious effort to avoid the penetrating glare i was receiving from across the room. Jack was sitting next to Leyla at the island eating cereal - he slipped me a piece of paper without looking up.
"Good Luck!" was written in purple crayon with an adorable attempt at a soccer ball drawn in black. He glanced at me quickly to catch my expression and i flashed a half smile, so she wouldn't pick up on our intersection. "Bye guys," i said, turning toward the door.
Before i could reach it, her cold hand gripped my wrist. "Leave it."
I turned toward her. Her back was shielding the kids from witnessing her venomous glare. "You didn't ask for it on your list. So i didn't buy it for you. Leave it." She held out her hand.
I set the granola bar in her palm and was instantly freed from her crushing grasp. "Sorry," i murmured and rushed out of the house before there was more to be sorry for.
"So...what happened when you got home?" Madison demanded in anticipation.
"Not much really - just the usual yelling," ii replied, downplaying the drama that had awaited me when i got home from practice yesterday. I decided not to divulge more as i casually rubbed my bruised arm. As much as i loved Madison and knew she would do anything for me, there were some things i thought best to save her from.
"So just yelling, huh?" i knew she wasn't completely buying it. I wasn't the best liar but i was convincing enough.
"Yeah," i mumbled, clasping my hands together, still shaking from her touch. I kept my eyes focused out the window, watching the trees fly by, broken up by the oversize homes with their landscape lawns, feeling the crisp late-September air whip against my flushed face.
"Lucky for you, i guess." I could feel her looking at me waiting for me to confess.
Madison turned up the music, recognizing i wasn't going to give her more, and started yelling while thrusting her head to a British punk band.
We pulled into the school parking lot, receiving the usual turning of heads from students and shaking of heads from the faculty. Madison was oblivious, or at least acted like she couldn't care less. I ignored it because i really couldn't care less.
I slung my backpack over my left shoulder and walked across the parking lot with Madison. Her faced beamed with an infectious smile as people waved to her. I was barely noticed, but i wasn't bothered by the lack of recognition. It was easy to be overshadowed by Madison's charismatic presence with her mane of gorgeous fiery hair that flowed in layers to the middle of her back.
Madison was every high-school boy's fantasy, and i'm sure some of the male teachers as well. She was startlingly attractive and had the body of a swimsuit model, filled out in just the right places. But what i loved about Madison was that she was real. She may have been the most desired girl in school but it didn't go to her head.
"Good morning Madison" could be heard from just about everyone we passed as she walked with a bounce of energy through the junior halls. She'd return these welcomes with a smile and a similar greeting.
There was some greetings thrown my way as well, to which i would respond with a quick glance and nod of my head. I knew the only reason they even acknowledged me was because of Madison. I actually wished i wasn't noticed at all as slunk through the walls in her shadow.
"I think Jason's finally coming around to realizing i exist," Madison declared as we needed for our first classes from our adjacent lockers. By some miracle, we were in the same homeroom together, making us practically inseparable. Well that was until our first class when i headed to Advanced Placement English and she went off to Algebra II.
"Everyone knows you exist Madison" i responded with a wry smile. Some too well, i thought, holding my smile.
"Well it's different with him. He barely looks at me, even when i sit right next to him. It's so frustrating." She collapsed back against her locker. "You realize guys notice you too," she added, picking up on my emphasis, "but you can't look up from your books long enough to notice them."
My face turned red and i looked at her with a questioning scowl. "What are they talking about? They only notice me because i'm with you."
Madison laughed, her perfect white teeth gleaming. "You have no idea" she scoffed, still smiling in amusement.
"Enough. It doesn't matter anyway," i replied dismissively, my face still hot. "What are you going to do about Jason?"
Madison sighed, holding her books to her chest while running her blue eyes along the ceiling lost in thought.
"I'm not sure yet," she said from that far-off place that kept the corners of her mouth curled up. It was evident she was picturing him and his swept-back blond hair, intense blue eyes, and drop-dead smile. Jason was the captain and quarterback of the football team. Could it get any more cliche'?
"What do you mean? You always have a plan."
"This one's different. He doesn't even look at me. I have to be more careful."
"I thought you said he finally noticed you?" I asked, confused.
Madison turned her head to look at me, her eyes still sparkling from the place she was slowly returning from, but the smile was not lost.
"I don't get it really. I made sure to sit next to him in business class yesterday, and he said hi, but that was it. So he knows i exist. Period." I could hear the exasperation in her voice.
"I'm sure you'll think of something. Or maybe he's gay." I smirked.
"Spence!" Madison exclaimed with wide eyes, punching my right arm. I forced a smile while gritting my teeth, hoping she hadn't noticed my shoulders tense with the impact of her harmless blow. "Don't say that. That would be devastating - for me at least."
"Not for Kevin Bartlett." I laughed, causing her to scowl.
To see Madison so distracted by this guy was amusing and disarming at the same time. She had a way with people - the results almost always ended in her favor, especially with guys. It didn't matter who she was trying to persuade, she would put an endearing spin on what she wanted so that the person was actually eager to accommodate her.
Madison was obviously flustered by Jason Stark. It was a side of her i almost never saw. I knew this was new territory for her, and i was interested to see what she was going to do next.
The only people who have given her a greater challenge were my aunt and uncle. I kept assuring her that it had nothing to do with her, but it only made her more determined to win them over. In doing so, she hoped to make my personal hell a little more livable. So who was i to stand in her way? Even though i knew it was a lost cause.
We parted after homeroom. I entered AP English and sat in the back of the room as usual. Ms. Abbott greeted us and began the class by handing back our most recent papers.
She approached my desk and looked down at me with a warm smile. "Very insightful, Spence," she praised and handed me my paper.
My eyes met her with a quick, yet awkward smile. "Thank you."
The paper was marked in red pen with an "A" at the top, and positive comments were written in the margins throughout the paper. It was what i anticipated and what my peers expected of me. Most of the other students were leaning over to see what the person sitting next to them had received. No one had looked at my paper. I tucked it into the back of my binder.
I wasn't embarrassed by my grades; i didn't care what other students thought of my high marks. I knew i had earned them. And i also knew that they were going to save me someday. What no one understood, besides Madison, was that all i really cared about were the days i counted down until i could move out of my aunt and uncle's house and go to college. If i had to put up with the whispers behind my back as i received the highest marks in the class, then so be it. They weren't going to be there to save me if i did anything but succeed, so i didn't need to get involved in the gossip and typical teenage tripe.
Madison was the closest i was going to get to any semblance of the high-school experience, and she definitely kept it entertaining. She was admired by most, envied by many, and could discreetly seduce a guy with a grin. What mattered most to me was that i trusted her with my life - which was saying a lot, considering the unpredictability that awaited me at home each night.
"How's it going?" Madison asked when we met at our lockers before lunch.
"Nothing new and exciting here. Any progress in business class with Jason?" This was Madison's class right before lunch, so it usually gave her enough to talk about until we reached journalism after.
"I wish!" she exclaimed. "Nothing - it's so frustrating! I'm not being overly aggressive, but i am definitely putting the obvious signals out there that i'm interested."
"You don't have what it takes to make him interested," i teased with a grin.
"Shut up Spence!" Madison looked at me with stern eyes. "I think i'm going to have to be more direct. The worst he can say -"
"I'm gay," i interrupted and laughed.
"Laugh all you want, but i am going to get Jason Stark to go out with me."
"I know you will," i assured her, still smiling.
I purchased my lunch with my weekly stipend from the money i'd earned during the summer - money that was strictly regulated without allowing me direct access. Just another irrational rule i had to live with for the next six hundred and seventy-three days.
We decided to have lunch outside at the picnic tables to take advantage of the Indian summer day. Fall in New England is very unpredictable. It can be frosty and cold one day, and warm enough to pull out the tank tops the next. But once winter hits, it sticks around for longer than it is welcome.
As most of the other student were shedding clothes to take advantage of the warmth, i could only push up the sleeves of my shirt. My wardrobe revolved around the colors of the healing bruises on my arms, and had nothing to do with the temperature.
"What did you do to your hair today? It looks good. It looks straighter. Very chic."
I looked at Madison sideways as we headed outside, knowing the only reason my hair was in the ponytail was because i'd run out of my allowed five minutes in the shower this morning, and couldn't rinse the conditioner out of my hair before the water was turned off. "What are you talking about?" i asked incredulously.
"Forget it. You can never take a compliment." Changing the subject, she asked, "So will you be able to go to the football game tomorrow night?"
I just looked over at her with my eyebrows raised, taking a bite out of an apple. Realizing i wasn't going to answer the obvious, Madison picked up her soda, stopping with the can raised to her lips.
"Why is he torturing me?" Madison whispered, slowly lowering the can with her eyes fixated on something behind me.
I turned to see what had captured her attention. Jason Stark and another well-built senior had their shirts off and tucked into the backs of their jeans as they threw a football back and forth. The attention he captured was painstakingly obvious. I watched him for a minute as Madison moaned behind me. Oddly, he seemed oblivious to all of the girls drooling over him - interesting.
"Madison, maybe he doesn't realize he's as wanted as he is," i observed objectively. "Have you ever thought of that?"
"How could he not know?" she questioned in disbelief.
"He's a guy," i said with a resigned sigh. "Have you ever seen him out with anyone other than the two years he was dating Holly Martin? Just because we think he's a god, it doesn't mean he puts himself on the same pedestal."
We looked over at the tall figure with the defined muscles and playful smile. Even i couldn't help but get lost in the details of his tanned body. Just because i was focused on school, it doesn't mean i was dead. I still noticed - well, sometimes.
"Maybe," she considered with a devious smirk.
"You guys would make an amazingly beautiful couple," i said with a sigh.
"Spence, you have to go to the game with me tomorrow!" she pleaded with an edge of desperation.
I shrugged. It wasn't like it was my choice. I had no control over my social life; hence, i had no social life. I was holding out for college. It's not like i wasn't participating in the high-school experience. I just had my own version - three varsity sports, editor of the school paper, along with participating in the yearbook, art, and French clubs. It was enough to keep me after school every day, and sometimes in the evenings when i had games or deadlines with the paper. I needed to create the ideal transcript for a scholarship admission. It was the only thing i felt like i had control over, and it was honestly more of a survival plan than an escape plan.