"Fuck this! French can suck my dick!"
Yet another wonderful study session at Kyle's house had begun, complete with the usual kick off of Kenny finding one text book to manage to throw on the ground with a bang. Today it just happened to have been French, which he only really took because it was supposed to be the language of love...and the language that sounded sexiest in terms of getting people in bed.
Kyle, who had been peacefully sitting at his desk reviewing his science notes, glanced over at the French book on the ground, catching a glimpse of the boy in the orange parka out of the corner of his emerald eye. Having known Kenny for practically all his life—even calling the guy his boyfriend—Kyle was aware that, even though Kenny was fairly smart and had potential, he just never used it. Instead, there tended to be at least on textbook-induced earthquake each study session whenever Kyle handed the blond boy a book (which was not the reason Kenny came to 'study').
"Qu'est-ce qui t'est arrive?" Kyle asked, swivelling his rolling chair around so he could face the struggling French student.
Kenny turned to Kyle, answering the question with a blank stare, his sapphire eyes basically replying 'Je ne comprend pas cette question parce qu'est en français', or 'I DID NOT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU JUST SAID'.
The redhead in the green ushanka let out a sigh before translating his words into English, "What happened?"
"French made grammar all fucked up, that's what happened!" Kenny frowned, easily understanding his vernacular, "How many fucking phrases do they need to say 'what'? I mean, come on! It's the same fucking word phrased like five different ways!"
"It's only two, Kenny," Kyle said, rolling his eyes at the other's over exaggeration of the difficulty level of their French II book, "And they change their forms with context," Kyle, as the smartest boy in class, understood most of the concepts pretty easily. He got up from his seat, grabbing the book off the ground before sitting next to Kenny on the bed, "Do I need to teach you the damn lesson over?"
"Talk some sexy French for moi? You'd do that for me, chère?" The blond smirked, leaning so he could rest his cheek on Kyle's head.
"...It's cher, asshole. Masculine form, not feminine," Kyle muttered, rolling his eyes.
"You scream like a girl à lit, doesn't that count?" Kenny teased, an arm slowly wrapping around the Jewish boy's waist.
"Jackass..." The daywalker muttered, flipping through the pages of monotonous and redundant activities until he got to the page that explained grammatical structure, "Now here's in interrogative and relative pronouns."
"Mmhmm..." Kenny wasn't really paying any attention to the book whatsoever, more concentrated on where his hand was headed.
"Kenny, you're actually going to learn so either pay attention or I'll beat you with this goddamn book!" Kyle snapped, a hand swatting at the one that was inching suspiciously closer to his pants zipper.
"But it's French!" Kenny whined, regretfully having his head pull a retreat in fear of another swat, "All they do is fuck!"
"No, they speak French!" The Jew protested, giving the blond an icy glare, "Maybe if you behave you'll get a reward... But only if you actually pay attention and understand all of this! Comprend-tu?"
"...Oui..." Kenny replied, clearly dissatisfied with the fact that he actually had to learn things during a study session instead of just screwing around with his boyfriend. Wasn't that the point of study sessions?
"Bon," Kyle smiled a bit, still knowing that he'd likely still have to watch Kenny's actions like a hawk, "Now, when you ask a question in French that uses 'what', you either use qu'est-ce qui or qu'est-ce que. They both basically ask the same thing—"
Kenny opened his mouth to complain about the fact that there was no damn reason for such faggotry; however another look from Kyle got him to shut his mouth before any words could come out. Behave now...Fuck him like a Frenchie later... He thought, trying to seek the motivation.
"But," The redhead went on, "Qu'est-ce qui precedes a verb while qu'est-ce que goes before a subject. Like... 'Qu'est-ce qui intéresse' Stan versus 'Qu'est-ce que Stan intéresse'. Basically, it's 'What interests Stan' and then 'What is Stan interested in?' which are two different ways of phrasing a what question in the English language. So it's not just the French who fuck with grammar, grammar itself fucks itself."
"Yeah, yeah, so qui is before a verb and que before a subject. I get it." The tutee said, wanting to move through the actual educational aspect as quickly as possible.
"And you contract que in a sentence but not qui." The redhead added, gesturing to one of the examples in the text, "You'd say 'Qu'est-ce qui est arrivé' without contracting the qui, but if you said 'Qu'est-ce qu'il a?' you'd need to contract the que since 'Qu'est-ce que il a?' sounds shitty."
"Qui sounds pretty, que is an ugly ho sometimes. Fair enough." Kenny didn't entirely hate French; he did enjoy the fact that they really just tried to make their language sound pretty/sexy and thus changed things accordingly. So, Que the ugly shankface was just his way of remembering.
"...yeah..." Even though Kyle was well aware that Kenny actually learnt that way, he still tended to think of it as an outlandish method, "Anyway, those were the direct questions. Next are the indirect ones."
"Not those fuckers..." Why didn't they teach useful French things? Like croissant and baguette and the crap they spoke in France on the TV shows!
"They aren't that hard," The Jewish boy said, "It's the exact same thing as direct questions basically. Take out the 'Qu'est' and put the 'ce' after the qui or que. You even use them for the same things. You'd just say something like...'Wendy demande ce qui intéresse Stan'' which is just 'Wendy asks what interests Stan'. See? Indirect. Then there's 'Elle demande ce que Stan intéresse' which is 'She asks what Stan is interested in'. Pretty simple concept, just follow the direct rules and you'll get it. Besides, that part of the test usually just tells you what to put so you'll get it."
"This is easy shit," Kenny said, ignoring the fact that he would've begged to differ but five minutes ago. Again, his hand started to resume what it had been stopped from doing earlier, "And now that we're done with that..."
SLAP!
"Ne te touche pas, salaud!"Kyle shouted, not really caring if he did make Kenny's hand red by the end of the study session, "We've got more to go over. Like commands with pronouns, for that matter. You remember the commands, right?"
"Like...Déshabille-tu!" The blond beamed, liking his example and wishing that would happen sooner.
Kyle slapped Kenny's hand again, just because of the suggestion hidden in his example. "Exactly, just like that. Now we need to add pronouns in like le, la, les, lui, leur, nous, vous, me or moi, and te or toi."
"...You're loosin' me, Ky," Too much information at once! Too much!
"I'll start with le, la, les, lui, leur, the object pronouns" Kyle knew he'd need to break it all down, "Really; it's just something like..." He glanced at the book for the generic example, "'Les radios? Regarde-les maintenant!' which is 'Let me see them now!' It's like that with all of them really, just adding the appropriate pronoun to the end of the command. They always surround the auxiliary verb. Even with moi, toi, nous, vous you follow a similar pattern, at least in the affirmative."
"Please tell me we only have to know the affirmative." The blond knew that with the positive came the negative, though a boy could still hope, couldn't he?
"If you want to flunk an entire section of the test, yeah. But you're getting an A, so I'm teaching you you're negatives," The redhead replied, "In the negative, which I used a second ago when you were groping me, you but the reflexive in front of the command. That's also when moi becomes me and toi becomes te. You try."
"Uh..." He leaned over to look at the book, going over the little box of random examples while thinking out a proper affirmative command, "Déshabille-toi!"
"...Very funny," The boy had to admire the other's persistence, "Now let's add in two pronouns."
"One is enough!" Kenny groaned, convinced that the text book was plotting against him just to try and cockblock him.
"Two isn't much harder, dumbass! Just remember that le, la, les always go before lui, leur, moi, toi, nous, vous. The negative form is just like the one we just went over, with me and te in the front. So it's 'Donnez-le-moi' in the affirmative but 'Ne me le donnez pas' in the negative. Otherwise you just deal with crap like 'Donne-les-leur' and then 'Ne les leur donne pas'."
"Oui, oui, mon petit-ami," Kenny said, "Avons-nous fini maintenant ?" Thinking that a third time would be the charm, he went once again for the zipper, trying to be as subtle and stealthy as possible.
The Jew paused, looking up at Kenny with a smile, happy to hear him actually speaking some French out of his own free will. However, they were just halfway done.
"Non," Kyle shook his head, smacking Kenny's hand again, not even having to look to know that Kenny was making another attempt, "Nous n'avons pas encore fini, pervers,"
"Fuck!" Kenny whined, partially because they weren't done, partially because he still wasn't getting any, and partially because his hand was starting to sting some.
"Next is the superlative," The tutor went on, disregarding Kenny's outburst of pain, "Which is just the expressing the most of something and then the least of something. So you use an article that agrees with the subject and then either plus for the most or moins for the least. De always follows the superlative since that then has what it's comparing whatever to. For example..." The boy paused a moment, "Bebe est la moins bienvenue et…..Kenny est le plus dénaturé de la classe."
"...Does that mean I'm the sexiest in the class?"
"Dénaturé means perverted, stupid."
"Kyle est le plus méchant de la classe!"
"Non, c'est Cartman. N'est pas moi. Il est le moins intelligent mais il est le plus gros."
"Tu vas le plus méchant pour moi ! Mais, je t'aime quand même," With a smirk, Kenny planted a small kiss on Kyle's cheek, trying to ease him out of super tutor mode and more into screwable boyfriend mode.
"Ugh..." He narrowed his eyes, glaring at Kenny despite the growing red shade that began to paint his cheeks, "Well I think we have that section covered..." Kyle flipped the page, reaching the fourth and final section, "All that's left is expressing better and best, which is when you use meilleur and mieux."
"It's the last section?" That was all that really sunk into the boy's head.
"Yeah, now keep focusing, you've kept it up pretty well so far," Kyle turned his attention back to the book, "Now bon is basically good and is an irregular adjective, since it's conjugated as bon, bonne, bons, et bonnes. Thus, in the comparative and superlative, it's also irregular, being meilleur, meilleure, meilleurs, et meilleures and then any of those with the correct article in front. One way of saying something like that is... Craig est bon en patinoire, mais Clyde est meilleur en patinoire que Craig. And then something kinda like, Red est la meilleure en patinoire de la classe. Elle et sa sœur sont les meilleures en patinoire de l'école."
"Mais Brian Boitano est le meilleur en patinoire de le monde!"
"Bon!" Kyle smiled, "But in a case like that, you'd want to just say that Brian Boitano was the best rather than just better than the world." Besides, everyone knew Brian Boitano was the best in the entire universe, at steady rivalry with Chuck Norris.
"Well then how do you say that, Monsieur Smarté?" Kenny was going to pass off saying smart with an accent as French, having switched back into 'not knowing' the material.
"Well, first we'll go over bien, since that's an irregular adverb that then becomes mieux and then le meiux." The Jew explained, "You use this when describing that actions are the best instead of that people are the best. So... Timmy chante bien. Mais toi, tu chante mieux. Mais c'est Wendy qui chante le mieux."
"I sing better than that bitch! I'm a fucking opera star!" Kenny understood, he just simply went off topic, "And Wendy's a girl! So it should be LA mieux!"Aha! Something Kyle got wrong!
"Dude, adverbs don't need to agree with gender. That's why they're adverbs," Kyle said, having to burst Kenny's little bubble at some point.
"...MOTHERFUCKER!" GODDAMN ADVERBS!
"But do you get it now?" He asked, "Gimme a few examples. Trois, actually."
"Hmm..." Kenny thought a moment, "Brian Boitano patinoire le mieux... Britney Spears dance le mieux...et..."Just one more... "...Et...Kyle baise le mieux!"
The last example made Kyle drop the textbook. Naturally Kenny knew the 'important' French words by heart...Like the word for fucking.
"...Très bien, Kenny..." The boy muttered, damning the fact that his face had turned to a brilliant crimson shade, "N-nous avons terminé..."
"FINALLY!" Kenny shouted, glad that they were finally finished with all that French grammatical shit, "Anyway, was I have one more question."
"Yeah?" The red-faced redhead looked up at his blond boyfriend, "What now?"
Before he spoke, Kenny leaned in really close to Kyle's face, their noses just inches apart, sapphires gazing deeply into emeralds.
"Voulez-vous couches avec moi?" He asked in a low, devilish tone, smirking as he leaned in a tad closer to whisper "Maintanent?" softly on the Jewish boy's lips.
Kyle opened his mouth slightly, about to answer, only to have Kenny claim his lips before he could, kissing him, of all things, the French way.
Kenny did like French for a reason after all; it was perfect talk for foreplay.
The End
A/N:...I suppose I should explain this. Well, I needed to study for a French test...so I wrote a fanfic. You know? Cause it works. It really does! I did it in science, so...I did the same with French. So if there's anything wrong with the French...I'm in like French II right now and it's 4 in the fucking morning so you know I'll fix that shit later! I got the lesson components in there so criticise my bad French later. I JUST NEEDED SOMETHING FLUFFY AND EDUCATIONAL and I tend to learn better with a little Jewish boy explaining the material to me through explaining it to his poor boyfriend. LAME ENDING IS LAME SINCE IT'S ONLY SUPER FREAKING LATE. Anyway, R&R I guess, whatever, I just wanted to explain why there's some random one shot half in French floating around. I HOPE YOU LEARNT SOMETHING. And I hope you used a translator for the crap your didn't know, though it was hopefully figure-outable. MK YEAH CQO OUT.