Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me; they all belong to Marvel. I am using them without permission and am making no profit from them. The plot and story belong to me but were inspired by that very large Summers family tree that includes the Fantastic Four. Please don't steal my plot or story.

Author's Note: I wrote this before that whole Polaris-is-Magneto's-daughter business, and since I still don't believe it, the story will stay this way. Also, this is intended to be the opposite of anything resembling serious. Just wackiness.

The Lehnsherr Family Reunion

Magneto sighed and sat back in his chair, wondering if Wanda and Pietro were ever going to show up. He had proposed a little weekend together, just the three of them, to sort of get to know each other. The Lehnsherr family. Wanda had loved the idea; Pietro had been violently against it. Wanda had somehow managed to work it into a family reunion.

Magneto wanted to see his children, and his granddaughter, but he wasn't sure he liked the idea of a family reunion. After all, his family was dead. The only Lehnsherrs left were the ones that he had created.

The door creaked. Magneto sat up straight. "Who's there?" he demanded sharply.

The door opened all the way. "What, you don't recognize the children you didn't know you fathered and then treated like crap anyway?"

"Pietro! That was mean!" Wanda came into the room. "Hello, Father. How are you?"

"I'm doing quite well," Magneto replied, watching as Pietro entered, looking around suspiciously as though he expected to get mauled. "And you?"

"Very well, thank you," Wanda said.

"Where is Luna?" Magneto asked.

Pietro folded his arms. "With her mother. They're coming in a little bit."

Magneto looked at them, and thought. He wondered how his beloved Magda could have produced such a bitter person like Pietro. He remembered his Anya, and Magda, and when things had been good...

"Oh, look, here they are," Pietro said, and went to greet his wife and daughter.

Luna was the most adorable little child in the world, blond and blue-eyed and smart. Crystal was an Inhuman, with orangey-yellow hair that had a black horizontal stripe running through it. Crystal kissed Pietro and then passed Luna to him. "Hello," she said, a little uncertainly. She had never known what to call Magneto.

"Hello," Magneto replied. He and Crystal had never got to know each other very well. "And there's my Luna!"

"Grandpa!" the little girl shrieked. She squirmed out of Pietro's grasp and ran to Magneto, who picked her up and hugged her.

"Could someone help me a little?" Crystal asked. "I'm confused. Pietro has been trying to explain this family to me, but I only end up confused."

"Of course," Wanda said. "There's Father, of course. And there's his wife, Magda. And then there's me and Pietro, and Anya, who was our sister. She's dead now."

"Way to be sensitive, Wanda."

"Quiet, Pietro. Anyway, then there's you, and Luna. Um...I suppose you could consider all of the Inhumans, if you wanted to..."

Magneto put his granddaughter down. "What? But that family's huge!"

"Yes," Crystal agreed, and started ticking off names on her fingers. "There's me, and my sister Medusa, our parents, my brother-in-law Black Bolt, and my nephew Pope, and my thousands upon thousands of cousins, starting with Gorgon, Karnak, Triton..."

"That's enough!" Magneto cried. "Wanda, the Inhumans aren't part of our family, because they aren't blood related."

"Right," Wanda said. "Oh, and then there's my husband, the Vision. And his "brothers." And my children, William and Thomas, who have been missing and may or may not be demons."

"Wait a minute. The Vision is an android. How could you have children with him?" Crystal asked.

"Well, I used my mutant probability powers to make myself pregnant," Wanda replied.

"Oh, dear," Crystal murmured. "My head is starting to hurt."

Pietro looked around. "Where is that light coming from?"

All of a sudden, Rogue appeared out of what was apparently a portal. "Hey, y'all! Don't forget me!"

"What?" Magneto cried, alarmed. "You aren't in this family!"

"Sure Ah am, sugah! Remember that time we spent in the Savage Land together?"

"Oh, no," Pietro moaned.

"No, that's a lie!" Magneto shouted. "We constantly refer to what we could have had together in the Savage Land. Could have had. As in didn't!"

Rogue giggled and shrugged. "Just teasin', sugah. Well, ya can't deny that we were married once, anyway."

Pietro choked. "Married?"

"You and Rogue? Why didn't you tell us?" Wanda cried.

"That never happened!" Magneto shouted at the offending white-striped mutant. "Go away! Stop upsetting my children!"

"Silly," Rogue chided. "In the Age of Apocalypse—that's an alternate reality, folks—you an' Ah were married. Ah was practically fourteen, too! An' we had a son!"

"A son?" Magneto cried.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Pietro groaned. "My alternate-reality stepmother was young enough to be my sister! And she gave birth to my brother!"

"That's disgusting! Father, how could you?" Wanda demanded.

"It was an alternate reality!" Magneto protested, quick to defend himself.

"Well," Rogue went on, "this family reunion can't be complete without him. C'mere, sugah."

Everyone watched as a cute little blond boy stepped out of the portal. Rogue grinned and picked him up. "Everyone, say hello to Charles Lehnsherr."

"Charles?" Magneto repeated in disbelief. "I named my son Charles?"

"He's awfully cute, though, isn't he?" Wanda commented.

"Look, Luna, it's your uncle Charles!"

"Crystal! Don't go putting thoughts in her head!"

"What? It's true, Pietro...isn't it?"

"Alternate realities don't count! Or, they shouldn't."

"They had bettah not, cuz you an' Storm had a thing goin' on in that reality," Rogue informed him.

"Storm? I hardly know Storm," Pietro said.

Crystal promptly slapped him. "What? Aren't I good enough for you?"

"Ya knew her pretty well, Pete," Rogue said. "You an' Wanda were in the X-Men with her."

"The X-Men?" Wanda cried. "Why would we join the X-Men?"

"Yeah," Pietro chimed in. "Xavier asked us once if we wanted to and we didn't, so--"

"My children, in the X-Men?" Magneto shouted. "How could I have let that happen? Charles probably coerced them into--"

"He didn't coerce them into anything, sugah. You ran the X-Men in the Age of Apocalypse."

Long silence.

"I? Ran the X-Men?"

"Pietro, stop laughing! I don't think it's very funny!"

"Hahahahaha...but...Magneto running the...X-Men! Hahahahaha! How can it not be funny to you, Wanda?"

"Well, I can't exactly picture it, but..."

"I can! Magneto takes his X-Men out to fight against the villain of the month, and detonates a nuclear weapon in his face! Or, or, I've got it, he builds a little sanctuary for his X-Men in space called 'The House of Magneto's X-Men' or something lame like that, and then..."

"Ah've heard enough outta you, smart-ass!"

Wham

"Owwwwwwwwww!"

"That's mah husband yoah makin' fun of!"

Magneto cringed. "Don't use the h-word!"

Crystal, in the midst of it all, beamed proudly and said, "I think I understand now! There are four Lehnsherr children, two wives, three grandchildren, and two in-laws!"

"You wish," Rogue replied. "Ah've only just begun. Magnus, come in here, sugah."

"Magnus? That's my name!" Magneto said.

Everyone watched as a teenaged boy in orange emerged from the portal. He had medium-length brown hair with a white stripe in it.

"Oh, no!" Magneto moaned.

"Why does he have that stripe in his hair?" Crystal asked.

"I have two brothers that don't even exist? This is madness!"

"You know, he kinda looks like Rogue!"

"Wanda! Don't even joke about that!"

"Well, it's true!" Rogue said. "This is Magnus Lehnsherr. In yet another reality, he was mine and Magneto's son. Then he joined the Exiles, an' later died saving everyone's lives before he really had a chance at the spotlight."

"Who the crap are the Exiles?" Pietro demanded.

"They are people from different realities put together by the Timebroker to save realities from destruction," Magnus said. "In my reality, I accidentally killed my mother by touching her. She turned to solid steel."

Everyone carefully moved about a foot away from Magnus.

He went on, "I also have magnetism powers, like Father's!" He turned to Magneto with a smile.

Magneto backed away, nearly tripping over a chair. "No, no, don't call me that! It's bad enough when Wanda calls me that!"

"Hey!" Wanda cried.

Magnus was scowling. "I died before I even had a chance to prove myself. I had to protect my friends from Charles Xavier."

Magneto gaped. "Charles Xavier? What happened to him?"

"In that reality, he was insane. He tried to kill people. We assumed that—"

Pietro burst into fresh laughter. "Oh, this keeps getting better and better! What is wrong with these alternate universe thingies, anyway? Why do they all end up like crap?"

"Well, we thought that Xavier was the savior of mutantkind. It was really..." Magnus cast a significant glance at Magneto.

"What? ME?!?!?!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Pietro laughed. "Magneto, the savior of mutantkind! What'd he do, herd them all into his space sanctuary?"

Even Wanda began to giggle behind her hand. Magneto, extremely offended, glared around at everyone in the room. "What is this?" he demanded. "I wanted to spend a nice weekend with my family, and I end up with a zoo!"

"This is yoah family, sugah. Don't ya evah pay attention?"

"This isn't my family! I don't even know these people! Everyone get out of here!"

"We're not finished yet, sugah. We forgot one very important person..."

A very familiar young man came out of the portal. "Hello, everyone!"

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

"Joseph!" Rogue added cheerfully. "Magneto's clone who is younger than him, stronger than him, nicer than him, and essentially better than him in every way!"

"That's IT!" Magneto shouted, and threw Rogue across the crowded room.

Joseph leapt up to save her. "There you are, Rogue! I've saved you!"

Pietro feigned gagging. "Ewww! Watching those two makes me sick!"

"It is pretty gross," Wanda agreed. "I'm glad I was mostly dead while he was around."

"Me, too," Crystal agreed. "He's making cow eyes at her."

Joseph, who was holding Rogue, landed to the floor, and put Rogue down. "There you are, Rogue!" He smiled around at the mostly-frowning people in the room. "As some of you may or may not know, I am Joseph, created by the ex-Brotherhood member Astra, and not only did I kick Magneto's sorry ass from here to Central America, I also made up a way to negate Rogue's powers so that she could touch people."

"Hey, you did not kick my—wait, you fixed Rogue's powers?"

"Wellll...only for a second. Then we got blasted off into space. But, yes."

"Hmmm. You managed to do something that Charles Xavier never could. Ha! And since you are made from me, that makes me better than Xavier! I WIN!!!!!"

Everyone stared at him.

Rogue cleared her throat. "Anyway, we can't forget the others..."

"Others? What others?"

"Don't tell me I have more brothers!"

"It's getting awfully crowded in here."

"Oh, Luna, don't cry, it's all right."

"Mama!"

"My father has a clone? I find this very disturbing..."

"You're not the only one! And I am the clone!"

"Anyway, there's mah family as well. That's Kurt Wagner, Graydon Creed, mah "mother", Mystique..."

The portal flashed as all of the said people came through it.

"GRADYON CREED? MY UNCLE IS GRAYDON CREED?"

"This is horrible!" Wanda wailed. "Father, how could you marry Rogue?"

Graydon scowled around at all of them. "Not as though I enjoy it any more than you do," he said. "My entire family is made up of mutant scum...a demon for a half-brother..."

"Demon? Nein!"

"...and a sluttish, trashy-dressing half-foster-sister with a roving eye..."

"HEY!!!!!"

"...and a blue-skinned metamorph mother who carries a gun the size of Russia..."

Mystique considered this, then, resting her gun on her shoulder, decided she hadn't been insulted and let it pass.

"...and a feral, raving, enormous, homicidal maniac with a healing factor for a father," Graydon finished, sounding depressed.

Short pause. "Wolverine?" Magneto asked hopefully. "I'm rather fond of Wolverine. Now that I know I can put him in his place!"

"Father! That was horrible!"

"Uh...no, I meant Sabretooth. You know, Victor Creed? Giving me my last name, CREED?"

"Whoops, we forgot one," Rogue said.

"Don't you DARE bring Victor Creed in here!" Magneto bellowed.

Mystique smirked. "Don't worry, I can take care of him." She patted her gun.

"Ugh, I can hardly breathe down here...this is no place for a fuzzy elf like me!" Bamf

Pietro looked around. "Um...what happened to Nightcrawler?"

"Up here, mein freund!" Kurt called from the ceiling, where he was hanging upside-down by his tail from a ceiling beam. "It's much more comfortable up here."

"Okay..."

"ANYWAY, like I was saying," Graydon said loudly, annoyed that no one was paying attention to him. "Bad enough that I should have a bunch of mutants for a family! Even worse that the worst mutant of them all is my brother-in-law."

Magneto shuddered. "Don't say that!"

"And I have two mutants for a nephew and niece...this just gets worse and worse..."

"Oh no!" Pietro moaned. "Graydon Creed is our uncle! I think I'm going to kill myself!"

"Oh no you don't!" Wanda snapped. "If you die you're taking me with you!"

"It's a deal," Pietro agreed, and shook his sister's hand.

"NO! Pietro, don't leave me here alone with these freaks!" Crystal cried.

Magnus tapped Graydon on the shoulder. "Actually, you have three mutants for nephews and a niece."

"What? Who the crap are you?"

"Four mutants for nephews and a niece," Rogue corrected, elbowing her way up to them holding Charles. "This is the lil guy who made this whole family connection possible!"

Graydon narrowed his eyes at the innocent little boy. "Hmm. If I kill him, I'll no longer be related to Magneto..."

"Don't you dare!"

Magneto came up to Rogue, frowning. "What is wrong with our child, Rogue? He never talks! What did you do to him, anyway?"

"Me? Ah didn't do anything! He's just shy, that's all! All these people are scarin' him!"

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have brought them all here in the first place!" Magneto snapped.

"Oh, great," Pietro groaned. "My father and his alternate-reality-ex-second-wife are standing here arguing like an old married couple."

"Don't say that!" both Rogue and Magneto shouted.

Mystique peered at the portal. "Hmm, I think I can get this to work to my advantage..."

Joseph went over to Graydon. "Actually, Creed, you have two brothers-in-law!"

Frightened, Graydon stared at Joseph wide-eyed. "Uh..."

"Well, see, I'm Magneto's clone, so anyone who is related to Magneto is related to me! We're brothers!"

Graydon frowned. "Get away from me, freak!"

Mystique smiled as the portal began to glow. "There we go!"

"Oh, no!" Rogue cried, and flew over to it. "Momma, what did you do?"

"I only arranged it so that all of the family members would come through here..."

Sabretooth burst through the portal, sending a small amount of Lehnsherrs running to the other side of the room. "What is this?" he demanded, looking around.

"A family reunion," Mystique replied. "For my foster daughter's alternate reality-husband. Get out of the way, you're blocking the portal!"

The Vision came through next, accompanied by his "brothers" Simon West and some others that I can't remember. Vision looked very confused. "How did I get here?" he asked.

Wanda ran over to him. "Vision! We just wanted to have a family reunion, but everything's getting out of hand..."

"Mommy!"

Gasp "William! Thomas!" Wanda cried, scooping up her missing children in her arm. "Oh, how I've missed you! How did you get here? What are you doing here?"

"They came through the portal, stupid," Mystique said.

"How did ya learn to play with that thing, anyway, Momma?" Rogue asked.

"I picked up a few things from Forge. Huh, this one's new..."

The portal light grew even brighter as a male figure came through it. A very bewildered Scott Summers stood there, blinking and looking around. "What's going on? Where am I?"

"There's a glitch in the portal!" Pietro shouted. "Scott Summers isn't coming anywhere near our family!"

"Yeah!" Wanda agreed, clutching her children. "They're too screwed up for us!"

"My family's screwed up?" Scott retorted. "Look at yours! Mystique, Sabretooth, Graydon Creed—hey, isn't he dead?"

Graydon looked at himself. "I don't seem to be."

"Anyway--Rogue, a robot--"

"Hey! ANDROID, buster!"

"Whatever, android--who, by the way, is also supposed to be dead--"

"Disconnected! There's a difference!"

"Okay, disconnected, and...uh...Nightcrawler, and Joseph! Plus Magneto!"

Pietro scowled at Scott. "So? At least I didn't let my girlfriend die and then marry her clone and then raise her son in the future with said dead girlfriend only to have him come back old enough to be my grandfather!"

"Yeah!" Wanda said. "Your family's worse than ours ever will be, Scott!"

Everyone began to talk at once, agreeing with them. Anything was better than being a Summers.

"Momma, clearly ya did somethin' wrong, Scott doesn't belong here," Rogue said. "Send him back!"

"Umm...excuse me everyone!" Joseph shouted. "I might be wrong here, but I think I know why Scott came through the portal. Please don't hurt me for this...okay, here goes. Scott's future daughter's husband's father's wife's brother once had an affair with Crystal!"

Everyone looked at Crystal, who held Luna tighter. "That was a long time ago," she said.

"What're ya getting' at, Joseph?" Rogue asked.

"Well...I think that we're all Summerses," Joseph explained. "See, because Rachel Summers married Franklin Richards, and his mother's brother is Johnny Storm, who was Crystal's, uh, significant other."

Howls of protest broke out around the room.

"SEE, Crystal! This is where CHEATING on your husband gets you!" Pietro shouted. "Now, thanks to you, we're all part of the Summers family!"

"Thank a lot, Crystal," Rogue grumbled. Several other people around the room echoed her.

Scott folded his arms. "I don't want to be related to all of you! Jean and I have enough trouble with family reunions as it is!"

"Wanda, quick! Kill me!"

"Pietro, no! ...Only if you kill me first."

"Deal! Wait a minute..."

Rogue clutched her head. "Ah can't take it! It's too much! Ah liked it bettah before!" She burst into tears.

"Great!" Mystique shouted at the room as she went to comfort Rogue. "You made Rogue cry! Get away from her, buckethead!"

Joseph, who was hovering (figuratively) over Rogue, concerned, frowned. "I never wore that helmet! Why does everyone always do that?"

"PIETRO! You promised to kill me!"

"But Wanda, my love, are you going to leave m--"

"Shut up, Simon! You don't know what it's like to be a Summers! Come on, Pietro, less milling, more killing!"

"I dunno, Wanda...then who's going to kill me?"

"My family is NOT that bad!" Scott shouted, suddenly offended. "LISTEN TO ME!"

To add to the confusion, Nightcrawler suddenly slipped from his position near the ceiling, and just before he hit the crowd, he teleported to safety, leaving the scent of brimstone everywhere.

Cough cough "Ugh, this place is insane. I'm outta here. What'd ya bring me here for anyway, Raven?"

"To see your son, stupid!"

"Ew, don't remind me." Sabretooth shuddered. "Look at him! He's sitting over there in a corner like a sissy!"

"He obviously gets it from you," Mystique replied.

"What?!?!?!"

"You're trying to leave! That's the sissy way out!"

"PAY ATTENTION!" Scott shouted. "IT REALLY ISN'T SO BAD! WE GET T-SHIRTS!"

Rogue wailed. Charles, upset at seeing his mother in such a state, started to cry. Magnus went to try to comfort his mother. Mystique barked at him and shoved him away. Sabretooth stood next to the portal and somehow made it twice as big, green, and solid. Nightcrawler teleported into Crystal, who screamed, which made Luna scream and cry. Pietro stopped arguing with his sister long enough to snatch his daughter away from Crystal and try to comfort her. Wanda argued with the three versions of her husband, while Vision held their children. Joseph tried to get close enough to examine Rogue, and Mystique shoved him away. Graydon stood in a corner and tried to wish himself into nonexistance. Scott continued to yell, trying in vain to explain how it wasn't so bad being a Summers.

The root of this family, Magneto, stood unnoticed behind his desk. He looked around at the chaos and madness that was his family. Then he opened the window, jumped out, and flew away, hoping to find a safe place where the Lehnsherrs couldn't find him.

The End.