How cold an evening it was on the day Itachi Uchiha was buried. All the Akatsuki were assembled to attend his service. The scene was overcast and melancholy, but not on account of grief. As they stood around his grave, Pein, the leader of the Akatsuki, stepped forward to speak of Itachi Uchiha in his life and death.
He began: "Itachi Uchiha devoted countless years of faithful service to the Akatsuki . . . and now that he is gone . . . the question in my mind is not why such a loyal Akatsuki has been taken from us. . . What I truly would like to know— more than anything else— is . . .
what the hell took so long?"
Smirks spread across the faces of the Akatsuki as their leader continued.
"When I was first told of your death, Itachi, there was no sadness . . . no sympathy . . . instead I thought 'Good, you deserved to die, you bastard.'" Pein said, in a low scornful voice. "I'm sure I'm not the only one who felt that way either. I never liked you, Itachi, and it would be news to me to find out that anyone did.
To be honest, my only grievance at your death is that I never got to tell you just how much nobody would miss you."
Some of the Akatsuki snickered, and others nodded in agreement. Pein continued.
"I really have to hand it to you Itachi, you were one sick son of a bitch, and if nothing else I respected you . . ."
Pein took a short pause, and then continued.
"I understand that you planed for yourself to be killed . . . well good, I'm just glad that you saw that the world was better off without you." He said contemptuously.
"Still though, I say this from the bottom of my heart, that I don't believe it was your time . . . No . . . your time was much sooner."
Again the Akatsuki snickered, and Pein continued.
"I don't know what you thought you could gain by the egregious things that you did in your life, but I sincerely hope you find what you're looking for,
while you're—BURNING IN HELL!— soft be you rest." Pein finished.
There was a moment of silence, and then one Akatsuki suggested "I think we should sing a ballad to commemorate our dearly departed friend."
"That's a good idea." Pein said, and he began to sing.
(Pein:)
How do get your sleep at night?
How did you get your noose so tight?
Like chewin' on tinfoil, it's so much fun
Gonna be dead before you're gone
(Pein/Akatsuki:)
'Cause look how things have gotten
And I'll be happy so I won't pretend
And I'll be cheerin' that you're goin' down
And I'll be laughin', I'll be laughin'
(Pein:)
How many feelings can you steal?
Gotta be part of your appeal
I can see through you, 'cause you're wearing thin
Like chewing on tinfoil once again
(Pein/Akatsuki:)
'Cause look how things have gotten
And I'll be happy so I won't pretend
And I'll be cheering that you're goin' down
And I'll be laughin'—
Ha ha you're dead!
And I'm so happy
In loving memory— of your demise
When your ship is going down
I'll go out and paint the town!
Ha ha you're dead!
Ha ha you're dead!
Ha ha you're dead!
Ha ha you're dead!
The joke is over
You were an asshole
And now you're gone
As your ship is going down
I'll stand by and watch you drown!
Ha ha you're dead!
Ha ha you're dead!
Ha ha you're dead!
Ha ha you're dead
You're gonna be dead!
Just remember what I said!
Ha ha you're dead!
Ha ha you're dead!
Ha ha you're dead!
THE END