A/N: This is my first attempt at first person POV, constructive critism is welcomed. :) Enjoy! x

Etro's Expiation - Prologue

The bland smell of disinfectant filled my nostrils, making me feel sick as I stood in the hallway. Was lemon or lavender not available when they bought it in truck loads? I had spent more time in this hospital in the last seven months than most people would spend in any during their life time. You would've thought that I was used to it by now, the smell as well as the dread that came along with the thought of why I was here, but I wasn't. Every time I wished that it would all end. Not her life but her sickness.

Nurses walked passed me to and fro, some pushing wheel chairs and others just holding clipboards. They had long ago stopped trying to get me to stay in the waiting room. Some were frightened of the cold and menacing look I sent their way, and others didn't care as long as I was out of their way. Time always dragged slowly as I waited outside her room. She also spent a lot of time in this hospital that they always had the same room empty, predicting that it wouldn't be long before she were to return again.

The blinds were shut so I couldn't see inside the room. Why is it taking so long? She had been in a lot of pain, her headache being the worst one to date. The doctor had insisted I stay outside and that was three hours ago. This was getting unhealthy for me. I should just go to the cafeteria on the bottom floor and wait, but I couldn't bring myself to move. It would be just my luck that something important happened while I was too busy eating noodles. That thought brought in a memory from a few months ago and I couldn't help but laugh.

Suddenly the blinds opened and I saw the doctor staring at me, my laughter instantly ceased. There was no way to tell whether he had good or bad news with his apathetic expression. My eyes flickered to the bed at the far side of the room. I let go of the breath I had unknowingly been holding. At least the sheet wasn't covering her whole body. I could still see her face. A nurse was removing a needle that had been injected into the inside of her elbow.

"Mr. Ballad, I would say it is a pleasure to see you again, but given the circumstances…" The doctor smiled slightly, I didn't bother smiling back at him. There was nothing to smile about, even though I had been laughing seconds beforehand.

I continued staring at him silently, inwardly disgusted at his attempt to lighten up the situation.

He gave an awkward laugh. "She is stable at the moment. We have just taken her off the Thiopental, so she should come out of her induced coma in a few hours. I suggest you get something to eat and maybe some sleep as well, I know you have been out here the whole time."

"I just want to see her, everything else can wait."

The doctor stepped aside, letting me through the door and into her room. "You only have a few hours until you will be made to leave. Remember that only a family member is allowed to stay past visiting hours."

"Where do you see her family?" I asked angrily. I had to stop myself before I did or say something I would regret. The doctor didn't know the truth, it wasn't his fault and he was just following his protocol. I doubt anyone knew the truth about her family, apart from me.

"I've tried getting in contact with them, the number she supplied us with doesn't seem to be the primary one."

I decided to ignore him, before I did say something she wouldn't want me to and went over to her side. I stared at her lifeless form on the bed, looking so thin and frail. There were a few indications to show that she wasn't dead. The way her chest rose and fell as shallow breaths left her lips. The way her eyes were moving under their lids, as if searching for something in her sleep. I pushed aside a stand of her hair, just needing to touch her and feel the warmth of her under my fingertips. She wasn't cold and that was a good sign. I could hear her heartbeat through the machine she was hooked to, the rhythmic sound almost lulling me to sleep. I refused to let my eyes drift shut, even for a second. No matter how tired I was, I wouldn't until I knew that she was safe and awake.

It was me, the one who was supposed to protect her when no one else could. She was not dead, not yet, hopefully not ever. The end was inevitable and her borrowed time was ticking away. She had already lived a month past the time doctors had predicted her death. It gave me hope, the useless hope that kept me going. There could be possibilities and futures if she lived, hope gave us that. She didn't believe in hope, she was sure her end was near. Her skin was deathly pale and any redness that her cheeks once held hours ago was gone.

Hearing her groan and move around, I instantly sat upright. I was invigorated by the sound, even if she hadn't spoken a word. It meant she was close to waking. I reached over to hold her hand in mine, ignoring the disapproving stares from the nurses that would stop outside the window and peer inside. It was more the older ones that had their eyes narrowed, the younger ones would have their heads tilted to the right with a small smile playing on the lips. If they had narrow eyes, it would be through jealousy of the girl lying on the bed. If I could bear being away from her for a few seconds I would go over and close the blinds, but I stayed seated.

"Yeul…" My voice came out hoarse as I whispered her name. She was tossing from side to side and looking like she was in pain, but there was no way to be sure. The machine was still beating the slow rhythm of her heart. Wouldn't it become faster if she were in trouble? I asked myself, gazing at her serene features. She appeared to be happy, so why wasn't she waking up? Would there always be this endless cycle of her ending up in the hospital? No. I knew it wouldn't last forever because she wouldn't be here forever.

Being beside her I couldn't stay awake, my eyelids were starting to get heavier by the second. I hadn't had any sleep for over a day. Before this trip to the hospital everything had been fine, I was happy. It came too suddenly, her headache, and that was when the happiness all disappeared. Slowly my eyes did the very thing I had sworn them not to do. My head lulled forward, resting against her side and I fell asleep, listening to the machine and hoping by the time I next awoke, she would also be awake.

"Mr…uh…Mr. Ballad?" I was woken up by someone's gentle voice and a tentative shaking of my shoulder.

For a second I thought it was Yeul and sat up suddenly, looking over at her I could see she was still sleeping. My mood darkened and I looked over at the nurse who had been the one. She looked petrified when I shifted my eyes up to look into hers. If she wasn't shaking so much, she would've been pretty. No one could blame her though. I was giving her a harsh cold look, almost daring her to say something that I wouldn't like.

She still blushed at my intense stare and looked away before continuing to talk. "The visiting hours are over, I'm sorry but I am going to have to ask you to leave."

I looked over at the girl on the bed, still unconscious, I wasn't aware that my gaze had softened. "Give me a few more minutes."

"Okay, but only a few." She hesitated before talking in a shy voice. "You must really care about her, the nurses all talk about how you are the only one to be here for her."

I just grunted at her, wondering why she was still standing there. Couldn't she notice I wanted to be alone?

"Caius…" A soft voice came from the patient as she slowly opened her eyes. Looking around the room she frowned.

"Yeul, you are awake." I cupped her cheek with my large hand, stroking it with a thumb and got her to look at me.

"I'll leave you two alone and tell the doctor she is awake." The nurse left, but neither people still in the room had listened to a word she said.

"How are you feeling?" I asked, there were no signs that she was in pain, but one couldn't be sure.

"There is no pain." She smiled a little, as if knowing exactly what I had been thinking. "I do not have long to live…"

"What are you talking about?"

"Etro… she visited me while I was sleeping."

"Etro? Who is that?" I wanted to shout at her, tell her to stop talking nonsense. "Wait, that still doesn't explain why you don't have long to…" I couldn't bring myself to finish the sentence.

Yeul didn't reply and let go of my hand. Her fingers hovered over a beaded bracelet she was wearing, one I had never seen her not wear. She took it off and held it out to me. I shook my head at her, pushing it away. Her eyebrows were drawn close together and she frowned.

"Please… take it." I shook my head again. With all the strength had, which wasn't much to begin with, she held onto my arm placed the beads around my wrist. I stared at it, trying to figure out what this meant before looking at her confused. She only gave a small smile and broke eye contact with me to stare at the ceiling. "I am… thankful… to have met you."

As soon as she spoke those words, I knew something was wrong. She gave my hand one last squeeze as her eyes closed. She had a restful smile on her face as she released her last breath and I didn't want to believe it. The machine that was connected to her stopped beating and gave a shrilled tone instead, as if crying out for the girl. I closed my eyes wanting to wake up from this nightmare. Yeul… no... I tried to prepare myself for this moment, I had, but it didn't make it any less painful.

I felt a couple of tears glide down my cheek and saw them fall onto her hand, the one I was still clutching. Even though I knew the reality of what happened, I didn't want it to be true. She was only a child. Children weren't supposed to die so young, not while they were still had so much to give. She had been beautiful when full of life and even now as she laid there lifeless, she was beautiful. This wasn't fair, for me and especially for her. Yeul... A name that had passed through my lips so many times recently and now it felt foreign. She was not part of this world anymore.

"Mr. Ballad. It is time to let go of her. You have a lot that you need to plan and you need to rest first."

"No!" I turned around and glared at the doctor who had most likely been in the room the entire time, and saw the whole thing. A different nurse came in to disconnect the machine. After hearing just silence it just made everything worse and more real. "There has to be something you can do, something to bring her back to me!" I grabbed onto his coat while I shouted in his face.

"She's gone. Dead. There is nothing I can do." He paused for a moment as if to let his words sink into me, but I wouldn't let them. "Now let go of me Mr. Ballad, before I am made to call security."

I surrendered at that moment. Letting go of him I went back to Yeul before falling to my knees and held her hand again. I was tall enough so that I was still able to see her clearly without stretching my neck. My hand moved on its own accord and stroked her cheek. There was no warmth there, just coldness. "Please, let me just spend this night with her."

I could imagine him running a hand through his already thinning hair. It was a habit he would do quite regularly during the times Yeul would be in the hospital. I heard him sigh deeply. "Make sure you are out of here before the morning." I could hear him leaving and silently thanked him.

I kept on looking at her and the final smile her features held. I couldn't make myself cry any more than the little time that occurred at the beginning of her death. I knew this moment had been just around the corner but I was just too damn hopeful for my own good. The last seven months blurred past me, from the moment she first bumped into me until she closed her eyes a few minutes ago. There is a saying that you should take the bad with the good and I normally did that, but right now I wished there was no bad and only good.

The funeral was small, just a few class mates and teachers gathered. Her doctor and even a couple of familiar nurses attended. Noel stood beside me at the back of the church. As much as I wanted to go to the front as say something, I knew I couldn't, it would raise too many questions. Everyone wondered where her parents were and why they weren't at their daughter's funeral. They were all clueless. My presence there still got stares, Noel's presence not so much because he looked closer to her age.

I had made the decision to have her cremated, it was what she wanted. I held her urn as I stood on the beach, facing the ocean, she had also wanted to be scattered here. I was conflicted, by her wishes and my own selfish need. In my hands I held her ashes and I wanted to keep them because as soon as I took the lid off, I knew she would finally be gone.

Taking in a deep breath of the salty breeze, I walked into the ocean. I hadn't bothered rolling up my pants. It wouldn't have made much difference. I made my way out until the water was up to my waist. The sea was cold, but I ignored the chill. Closing my eye and before I could argue with myself any longer I took the lid off the urn. The breeze uplifted the top ashes and they fell into the ocean turning it murkier. Slowly I started shaking the urn around, the ashes falling everywhere around me, floating on top of the water before disappearing underneath it forever.

The sun was just about to set and after paying my respects of a second time I turned around to leave. Standing on the beach was a girl, facing away from me. In the fading light I could tell her hair was the same shade of blue as the one whose ashes I had just scattered. Yeul? She turned around as if hearing me call out to her even though it was only a thought. I blinked to clear any haziness that blurred my sight but the girl was gone, nowhere to be seen. I quickly waded through the water to get to the spot I saw the girl standing in, there were no foot prints. I shook my head a few times, she looked so real. Hallucinating. How long is this going to keep up?