A/N: This is a short Beyond Birthday drabble I wrote because I got bored and I have writers block on the fanfic I m writing. Constructive criticism welcome.
I don't know how I could explain the way I felt to anyone. It would be like explaining music to the deaf or colours to the blind. Every day I live hating myself in constant agony, constant pain.
I hate the fact that I could never be L. I'm too tall to be L, I'm too thin to be L, I'm too insane to be L. It drives me crazy, this longing to be him. I just want to run away from everything. I want to hide from my feelings and never think of L again.
I hate the way L's name could bring agony crashing through my body, leaving me incapable of even the simplest tasks. I hate the way he solves cases effortlessly, while I struggle with a simple murder. I hate feeling like crap every single fucking day.
Some days, I don t even want to get out of bed. I think it s not worth the effort, not worth the energy. Even if I get up, I ll be reminded that death is around me constantly. I don't want to see my friend's lifespan ticking away, day by day, second by second. I know that A will die five years from now and that I can't stop it.
It tears me apart, knowing how helpless I am, knowing I can't stop anyone from dying. I tried so hard to save Mum, but I couldn't stop her from getting in that car. I couldn't stop the truck that ignored the red light and sped through the intersection. I couldn't make our car swerve out of the way or change the fact that I was the only survivor.
I feel so useless.
Sometimes I consider saying goodbye to everything. No, not even that. I wouldn't say goodbye, I wouldn't leave a note. I would just put the gun to my temple and pull the trigger. It would end the constant agony, the constant pressure, the constant longing to be ordinary.
I just want to be normal, even if it was just for a day or two. I want to go to a normal school and come home to a normal family. I want to be annoyed by a little sister and loved by parents. I want to spend hours being with them and reliving joyful family moments. I want to have a big Sunday dinner with everyone talking, laughing and cracking jokes. I want to feel like I m a part of something and know that people would care if something happened to me.
I wish I could end my suffering, but I know I can't. There's only one way out and I know that I'm not ready for that yet. Besides, killing myself would be like giving up, and Beyond Birthday never gives up.