Dear Oliver Grahams,
Your dog, Billy 'Beast' Grahams, chip no. 147268932, has been fouling in my back garden, once again.
I do not usually mind, (because it is on the lawn and I do not like walking on grass as it rips hairs out of my legs.) but this time I do, because it was on the path going from my back door to the barbeque area of the garden.
I accidentally trod on the dogs excrement when I was going to put some sausages on to the grill.
I know it was your dog because no other dog in the town has that colour feceas.
Also, notice how I said accidentally? This is true, and I put the word in so you could not sue me for damaging your possessions.
After stepping on the carefully placed stool, I slid and threw my sausages into your garden. Thus, unfortunately rewarding your dog for bad behaviour.
These sausages will most likely come back to haunt me.
Most likely in the same shape as well.
I was slightly angry at the fact I wasn't carrying chicken legs… because chicken legs are brittle and can choke dogs when they gnaw them.
You may wonder why I was having a barbeque at this time of the year.
And if not, I don't care. I suffered, now you can endure my explanation.
I was going to a staff party at my work; we had just delivered our ten millionth parcel. Everyone who was going was asked to bring food.
I only had yoghurt in my fridge because I was expecting my grandfather over sometime in the week, who has no teeth, thus has to eat pulverized food.
The only other food I had left in the house was in my freezer:
A frozen fruit assortment.
Ice cubes.
Milk.
And sausages.
I tried to think of a combination of two or three of these things that would go well together.
In the end I settled for ice cubes and sausages… That way, if the sausages are too hot, they could cool them down.
Unfortunately I had to go to the party without any food, thus breaking the rule of 'if you're coming, bring food'.
I arrived to the party empty handed and was asked to leave.
If you're dog fouls on my path again, either please come round to pick it up, or email me straight afterwards, because I hate picking it up when it's cold.
Yours annoyed, Doug Lark