Opening Author's Note

The summary of this fic states it's mpreg, but I'm willing to bet it's one unlike any other you've encountered- or at least that's what I've been told by many of my readers. The reason for this is likely because I'm quite different from the majority of mpreg authors in that I'm a married transgender man with two biological children, and my work's beta-read by my cis husband.

The original version of this story was written before I came to understand my gender identity or got pregnant for the first time, but it was instrumental in both of these events. The research I completed for the original version and its subsequent development allowed me to explore and confront a lot of conflicting feelings I had about pregnancy and childbirth- which stemmed largely from what I hadn't realized was severe body dysphoria.

I wrote the revision after coming out to my husband and several close friends, starting before my second child was conceived and concluding about a year and a half after his birth. Although I briefly contemplated rewriting Zoro as transgender like myself, I ultimately chose to leave his anatomy as depicted in the first version, namely because so much of this fic is based on my personal experiences, I couldn't handle writing a character with whom I identified so strongly as trans in addition to undergoing all the trauma and resulting problems I myself struggle with on a daily basis. The story was just as difficult to write as some people have told me they found it to read, and the sliver of representation I would have gained wasn't worth the damage I might've caused myself in the process.

That said, I'm immensely satisfied with how I depicted the following situation(s). I set out to write a fic that handled these topics in a way I hadn't previously seen dealt justice, and I feel that I've done so fairly well, although it's ultimately up to you- the reader- to agree or disagree as you see fit.

Warnings include: mpreg, sex, violence, medical/surgical imagery, torture, sexual assault, ptsd, post-partum depression, anxiety and panic attacks, self-harm, discussion of suicide, and character death.

xxx

Crossfire (Redux)

xxx

Standing on the lawn deck's starboard side with white-knuckled fingers clutching the railing as though he expects the Sunny to suddenly lurch out from under his feet without warning, Zoro stares down at the water churning alongside the ship. His mind's in a similar state, tumbling from one unfinished thought to the next, all with the same underlying current of thought surging beneath.

This is a dream. It's GOTTA be a dream- just some fucked up nightmare I'm having 'cause I drank too damn much before bed. It's not real. It CAN'T be real. Just too much booze on top of too much-

Unfortunate choice of thoughts; the bitter taste of alcohol's enough to leave him retching these days, but apparently just THINKING about it's more than enough to turn his stomach, because while faint chatter's reaching his ears - members of the crew greeting one another as they emerge from various doors and hatchways - he's oblivious to their banter, eye squeezing shut to block out the rolling waves because he can feel his gorge rising thick and acidic in his throat.

"Zoro?" A voice abruptly questions within centimeters of his ear, accompanied by a body colliding energetically with the rail beside him. "Oi, Zoro!"

Luffy's abrupt appearance at his elbow startles the hell out of him. His natural reflexes, not to mention his blasted observational haki, have been distressingly unreliable during the last few weeks. Extremely annoyed and feeling somewhat sheepish about his lapsed sense of awareness, Zoro automatically raises a hand to deliver a half-hearted swat to his captain's shoulder.

The ship chooses that moment to drop with a sickening plunging motion into the shallow trough between two swells, and the green-haired man staggers, bumping against the younger pirate and groping frantically for a new handhold. For a second or two, he's convinced he's definitely going to puke - either down the Sunny's Adam wood planks or, if he's really unlucky, on his own boots - but to his vast relief, all that emerges from his parted lips is a smothered, watery-sounding belch.

"Jeez." Blinking down at the fist knotted in his shirt front, Luffy withdraws the arm he's thrown instinctively around his swordsman's waist and gives him a cautious pat on the back. "I thought you were gonna go headfirst over the rail! Or just spew all over the place. Or maybe that and THEN go over the-" He gives his head a slight shake. "Everybody's headed to the dining hall, and Chopper said he's ready whenever you are, so..."

"Guess I can't talk you guys out of this, huh?"

"Zoro-"

"I know, I know." He wets his lips and casts one last look over the sea before pushing away from the railing and heading towards the staircase, motioning for his concerned lover to follow. "C'mon. Let's get this over with before I lose my fucking nerve."

xxx

At least Sencho held off 'til after breakfast and didn't just blurt it out first thing in the damn morning, Zoro grudgingly admits to himself as he watches their nakama claim chairs at the table as well as a stool or two at the counter while the captain fidgets with the den den mushi perched on the stand beside the sofa bench where he and his swordsman have chosen their seats.

Luffy's gaze keeps darting between the harried-looking snail, the man sitting stiffly beside him, and the anxious reindeer hovering just inside the open infirmary door. The dark-haired pirate's uncharacteristically quiet but undeniably excited, unable to prevent the corners of his mouth from periodically twitching upwards into a smile.

It's an expression that's wearing on Zoro's already frazzled nerves, making him want to seize the rubber man by his neck and shake him violently.

OF COURSE he's smiling. HE's not wondering if he's gonna make it to the fucking trash can if the shitty cook gets too close. He grits his teeth, willing the turbulence in his gut to subside, but his nostrils can detect the stench of tobacco clinging to Sanji's suit from even a yard away. The blond smells like an ashtray, and combined with the ship's gentle but steady swaying-

He glances over the sofa's arm for the fourth or fifth time, assuring himself the waste basket's still there and hoping like hell he doesn't need it.

Chopper creeps into the room, armed with the same thick sheaf of papers from the night before, when he'd cornered Zoro in the otherwise deserted men's quarters and turned the entire known world upside-down with a few nervously-spoken words. He deposits them on the table, disappears into his office once more, and emerges with a rack of equally familiar test tubes that clatter softly in his trembling hooves. Every vial contains the same blue liquid, which glows brilliant cerulean in the sunlight streaming through the porthole windows.

Zoro exhales shakily at the sight, resting his elbows on his thighs and leaning slightly forward to rub his face into his palms.

A hand grips his knee, squeezing, and he raises his head to find his captain peering over at him, every trace of ill-concealed smile banished and countenance now utterly serious.

"What is all this?" Nami asks, extending a finger to tap one well-manicured nail on the stack of parchment. Beside her, Robin's studying the array of phials with an expression of keen interest, brow slightly furrowed. "Chopper?"

"It's- well, you see-" The doctor's wringing his hooves in agitation as he struggles for an explanation, shooting a pleading look towards the only other people in the room who understand his difficulty. "I-I don't know how else to say this, but-"

"Zoro's pregnant," Luffy announces without preamble, giving the swordsman's knee another firm squeeze. "Chopper ran a whole bunch of tests and they say Zoro's pregnant and he's got a baby- OUR baby- growing inside him."

His abrupt proclamation's greeted by silence and blank stares.

This isn't happening, Zoro thinks again numbly, but he can't pull his gaze away from those blue tubes. For the first time in his life, he's too uncertain- too EMBARRASSED- to look into his crew mates' faces, although he's not sure what he's more afraid he'll see there: amusement, disbelief or disgust. They all seem equally disheartening, and with every second the silence stretches on, he can feel more heat flushing his cheeks. I knew this was a mistake.

"Very funny." Nami says finally, shaking her head. "Zoro looks so mortified, I'd almost believe you if that wasn't biologically impossible." Sounding bemused, yes- but mostly exasperated.

"Well- yeah, I mean, he's a guy and guys don't usually do that, and I don't know how it happened and neither does he, but Chopper's tests say we made a b-"

"Luffy." Their navigator's voice is deceptively soft but rife with irritation. "I've got a lot of work to do. These currents won't chart themselves. So unless you'd like to stop playing games and tell us why you really-"

"I'm not playing! I'm serious!" The captain insists, rising with arms spread in a gesture of frustration. He points towards his increasingly red-faced swordsman's midsection. "There's a baby in there, and I dunno exactly how it got there, but it's mine! Mine and Zoro's!" He whirls towards Chopper, scowling indignantly. "Tell 'em!"

"I- I'm afraid Luffy's r-"

"Marimo," Sanji begins, leaving his spot behind the bar to wander closer, arms folded contemptuously across his chest. "What the hell's going on? What kind of stupid stunt are you and this shitty Gomu trying to-"

The pungent scent of cigarettes precedes the cook, wafted forward by the movement of his body, and Zoro twitches back, trying to escape the odor, but it's too late. His diaphragm spasms and he gags, flailing wildly over the sofa arm for the waste basket and sending it rolling across the floor when his fumbling fingers knock it sideways.

Lightning quick, Luffy whips out an arm to catch and reel it back, turning his head away with a grimace as the older pirate unceremoniously shoves his face below the circular rim and begins to vomit, although he stubbornly refuses to relinquish his grip. "See?" He turns his defiant gaze on Nami, whose mouth is gaping in dismay and surprise. "The BABY's what's been making him sick!"

"I thought he had a stomach bug," Usopp protests weakly from where he's risen to stand beside Franky. "Or-"

"Don't you dare say food poisoning," Sanji interrupts coldly, his visible eye twitching as he glares at the sniper. "Like I keep telling Chopper, there's nothing wrong with my cooking, so if you're suggesting-"

"It's not a bug, it's a baby! My baby!" Luffy protests, scowling with indignation at Usopp, who's raising both hands in a submissive gesture on finding himself under simultaneous attack.

"I NEVER use expired ingredients, and I always- ALWAYS- follow proper culinary procedures preparing meat so even you ungrateful, shitty bastards don't end up with worms or w-"

Worse, the cook's clearly about to conclude, but his rant's disrupted by a strangled "oh god" from Zoro that's immediately followed by another bout of noisy, violent expulsion.

Franky raises his shades with a finger, staring at their green-haired nakama's heaving shoulders in horrified fascination. "Damn. You okay, Haramaki-bro?"

"I must admit, from what little I know, I believe Zoro-san's providing us with- ah- quite a convincing display," Brook offers hesitantly.

"It- it's not a display." The crew's doctor takes a deep breath, gathering himself. "He's exhibiting a typical symptom of pregnancy, and it's NOT food poisoning OR any other known malady. I'm sure of it! I ran tests for EVERYTHING."

"Your investigation has been rather thorough, hasn't it?" Robin remarks, drawing the attention of everyone save the choking, sputtering man on the sofa and his partner, who's rubbing his back while murmuring softly enough to be rendered inaudible and regarding him with worried eyes. The historian's been leafing through the packet of documents she's pulled across the tabletop. "Your notes indicate you performed quantitative studies in addition to the initial qualitative tests?"

"YES." Chopper straightens, confidence bolstered by the familiar terminology. "When the urine tests all showed positive results, I drew another blood sample and ran a beta hCG analysis."

"Wait, I'm confused." Nami's shaking her head, struggling to process what the physician's telling them. "You did what?"

"Human chorionic gonadotropin is a hormone that's produced by both sexes, but it's normally found in extremely small quantities. Just a few milli-units per milliliter."

Robin raises the sheet of parchment she's been scanning, indicating a handwritten number that's denoted by several exclamation marks. "And this is the concentration of hCG you discovered in our swordsman's most recent blood sample? It's very high."

"It's ASTRONOMICALLY high," Chopper agrees, eyes wide. "In a sexually active human female, anything higher than a twenty-five's considered proof of a potentially viable pregnancy." He rises on tiptoe to place a hoof just below his own printing. "Zoro's hCG tested at almost THREE THOUSAND TIMES THAT VALUE."

"Seventy-five thousand, correct?"

Nami raises her head from peering at the paper in Robin's hand to smile weakly at Brook. "Pretty darn close."

"In the beginning I was concerned about the possibility of a tumor," Chopper admits hesitantly in a much lower voice after glancing over his shoulder to make sure neither swordsman nor captain are listening too closely. "-because high hCG levels are a common side effect of testicular cancer, but I've been tracking them for nearly a week and they're continuing to double every forty-eight hours. That's NOT consistent with cancer, although it IS consistent with pregnancy. And in conjuncture with his other symptoms?" He sighs, shoulders drooping in helplessness and confusion. "I don't understand how or why it's possible, but the results are irrefutable."

"How far-" Nami runs the fingers of both hands through her unbound hair, ruffling the fringe framing her face. "Ugh. I can't believe I'm asking this." She clears her throat. "How far along is he?"

"Can't be that far gone," Sanji mutters and shrugs unapologetically when heads turn. "I mean, Marimo doesn't look any different than usual. So if he's really-" He snorts. "Well, you'd figure it would start- y'know- showing eventually, right?"

Forefinger running down the right-hand column of the chart she's discovered on the following page, her lips moving as she reads silently to herself, Robin pauses as she quickly reaches a conclusion. "I'm afraid we won't find any answers here. The ranges vary rather widely."

"Yes. Based on his hCG levels, we're looking at a first trimester pregnancy dating anywhere between seven and twelve weeks." Chopper utters a small frustrated huffing sound. "A difference of more than a month."

"Great. So what the hell do we do next? Start planning a freaking nursery? Throw him a goddamn baby shower?"

The reindeer doesn't answer the cook right away, choosing instead to shuffle awkwardly through his remaining paperwork. "... I don't- I don't know. If he decides to have it- well- there's a lot to consider. And there's no way he'd deliver naturally, so..."

"If he- oi?" Usopp prods, sounding a little taken aback. "If?"

"I know Zoro might not-" The reindeer looks away, ears flattening slightly. "There's... another option... if he decides he doesn't want to go through with-" He bites his lip. "I promised him, whatever he wanted to do, I'd-" His gaze drops to the floor.

"I understand how you feel," Robin tells him. "-but Kenshi-san needs to do what's right for him." She reaches down and touches her younger crew mate's cheek, gently guiding him to turn and look at the sofa, where their captain's finally discarded the waste basket to take Zoro's closer hand in one of his, lacing their fingers together as he solicitously blots beads of sweat from the discomposed swordsman's face with the sleeve he's tugged over the opposite wrist. "Although, unless I'm greatly mistaken, I think his decision's going to surprise you."

xxx

Shaken by the ferocity of his nausea and claiming a desperate need for some fresh air, Zoro exits the dining hall shortly thereafter, Luffy following close at his heels.

The majority of their crew mates follow, still reeling from the unlikely revelation, and it's not long before the day's earlier pursuits have been completely forgotten in favor of determining how their katana-wielding nakama's very muscular, very MASCULINE body is inexplicably harboring the beginning of new life.

"Ah, Franky, I'm afraid that's actually highly unlikely," Robin states from her seat near the bottom of the staircase without looking up from the thick medical textbook resting in her lap. "-given our swordsman is still capable of swimming."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess you're right." The cyborg frowns, scratching his head. "Alright people, I'm open to suggestions."

"Oi, Marimo, you didn't happen to meet some weirdo with purple hair and a really big head, did you...?"

"Hell no. I don't make it a habit to hang out with mutants like your freaky okama friends, you shitty cook."

"Those people are not my-"

"Nah, if Zoro ran into Iva-chan, he'd have boobs like Nami and Robin. Probably smaller 'cause he's all muscle, but he'd still be- y'know- bouncy 'n stuff," Luffy explains, making grabby cupping motions at his own chest to demonstrate. "And he'd be missing some other bits too, but those were definitely all there and working the other night when-"

"OKAY," Usopp interrupts loudly. "So we know he definitely didn't accidentally eat some weird new devil's fruit or get himself gender-swapped." The sniper frowns at the swordsman, stumped, then raises an eyebrow in consideration. "Maybe he's budding like a hydra. Or part of him- a finger or toe or something's gonna fall off and grow into another Zoro. Like a sea star."

"Or like a moss ball, perhaps?" Brook asks, chortling.

Sanji bursts into laughter. "Oh shit, why the hell didn't I think of that?"

"I hate you guys. You're a bunch of fucking assholes," Zoro grumbles, slinking away to join Robin on the lower steps because she's currently the only one not making jokes at his expense. The historian smiles encouragingly upon his approach and shifts over to make a bit more room beside her, patting his arm reassuringly before she returns to her reading.

Relocating to the staircase also increases the distance between him and the terrible reek of the cook's freshly-lit cigarette, which is making his empty, queasy stomach continue doing nasty little flips and flops like it's full of tiny but rambunctious sea kings. He rubs his temple, grimacing. Shit's giving me a killer headache too.

Luffy, guiltily stifling his snickering and casting a marginally reproachful look at the other men, hurries after the swordsman to scrunch himself between the older pirate's feet, wrapping his arms around one black-clad leg and resting his chin on the knee. "Zoro, you don't really mean that, do you? That you hate us?" Concern's once more clouding his normally bright gaze. "You don't- Zoro doesn't hate ME, does he?"

"No, why would-? Look, it's not like you knew this was gonna happen. It's just-" He sighs, rubbing his forehead with the heel of one hand and wishing his captain didn't sometimes take things so literally. "It's just really hard to wrap my brain around, okay? I mean, I'm thinking I've got the flu or food poisoning or something 'cause I feel like crap, but it keeps dragging on and on and not getting any better, so Chopper runs a shitload of tests, and then he tells me I'm- nrrgh, I mean, what the hell? HOW the hell?"

They all know the Grandline, and the New World especially, is a fucking strange place where incredibly bizarre shit happens. They've all heard the stories and they've all personally witnessed it again and again during their travels, and so much of what they've seen and been told defies any rational explanation. And after all that, the odds of finding a rational explanation for THIS-?

Zoro grimaces, wishing his crewmates would stop speculating about how he and Luffy broke the laws of science and start showing a little more interest in helping him decide what to do about it. Not that it seems like there's a whole lot of options available. While he's seriously hoping this little wrinkle in the fabric of his reality will just conveniently go away on its own, he doubts he'll get that lucky. Which leaves him with only two real choices; he can either accept his situation and see it through to its conclusion- or refuse and insist that Chopper remove the organism that's developing inside him.

It's a more difficult decision than he anticipated.

I didn't ask for this, and I didn't- okay, I DON'T know if I really want this, but... it's not like fighting some other guy with a sword. The thing in there- it can't fight back. It's just a-

"Neh, Zoro?" Luffy asks, startling him from his morbid thoughts. "Would-" To the swordsman's amazement, the rubber man breaks eye contact and stirs uneasily, color rising on his face as he traces circles on Zoro's thigh with his pointer finger. "I- I'm kinda- well, okay, I'm actually really happy, but I know that's probably not how you feel right now, so... I just wanna know... would Zoro be mad if I said I want him to have the baby?"

"You want-" The older pirate's breath catches in his throat and he raises a hand to run unsteady fingers through his hair, thinking it's unnerving how often his captain seems capable of reading minds.

Since reluctantly breaking the news to Luffy last night - largely at Chopper's insistence - Zoro hasn't quite known what to make of his lover's reaction to their situation. He'd expected- and dreaded- a great deal of over-exuberant flailing and shouting, but he'd gotten the exact opposite. His captain had responded with thoughtful deliberation, bombarding their doctor with a stream of surprisingly serious questions that he, in his lingering shock and confusion, hadn't thought to ask.

In all honesty, his partner's unexpectedly mature reaction - aside from his amusement with Franky, Sanji, Usopp and Brook's crackpot theories - has been extremely reassuring. Zoro himself has spent yesterday evening and this morning feeling as though he's taken one too many of the dartboard brow cook's most potent kicks directly to the head, and he doesn't think he could stand Luffy treating his... condition... with the same mindless enthusiasm that the rubber man devotes to exploring new islands and gorging himself on obscene quantities of meat.

"... yeah, I do. I really- I really want Zoro to have it. To have our baby," the younger pirate's mumbling shyly as he picks distractedly at a loose thread, and when he finally raises his head, he looks so uncertain but hopeful that Zoro's heart stutters in his chest, and even though there's a small panic-stricken voice inside his head incessantly shrieking that he cannot be seriously considering this - namely because it can't possibly be happening to him in the first place - not once does he think of insisting on the unpleasant alternative.

"I- no. No, Luffy, I'm not angry." He swallows, his mouth suddenly very dry. "I've got no idea how the hell this is supposed to work or what's gonna happen, but- if it's what you really want-" His heart's no longer merely thumping forcefully but flat-out galloping, given the gravity of what he's declaring. "Okay."

Luffy's anxious face breaks into a huge relieved smile. He flings his stretchy arms in several haphazard loops around the older pirate, who grunts as he's flattened against the stairs and kissed with desperate enthusiasm, and Robin drops her book when their combined weight nearly bowls her over. She watches them fondly as she retrieves the heavy tome from the step below, bursting into soft laughter when the horrified captain realizes what he's done and immediately loosens his grip, leaping to his feet to begin frantically patting his hands up and down Zoro's front to make sure he's unharmed. "It's alright, captain; I can assure you he's not that delicate yet, although I certainly wouldn't advise tossing him overboard or into the rigging."

"No, definitely not! No more roughhousing, and Nami's helped me write a detailed list of other restrictions Zoro needs to follow if he wants to keep himself and the baby healthy."

Hearing the stern tone of Chopper's voice as the reindeer emerges from the dining hall on the level above, Zoro's not sure whether to feel consoled because the doctor seems to have everything under control or indignant he's being giving an actual LIST on the proper way to conduct himself.

Seriously, it can't be THAT complicated, can it? I mean, people have- people do this all the time, right? Trying valiantly to ignore the fact he's sporting some major anatomical differences from the type of people who normally serve as walking incubators for creatures like the one Chopper insists is developing somewhere below his navel. Trying valiantly- and failing miserably. Ah, who the hell am I kidding. I don't know shit about this kinda stuff.

Thoroughly unnerved by his own ignorance but unwilling to admit the depth of his dismay, he settles for diffident interest and motions for Nami to bring him the neatly written sheet she's glancing over. "Oi, lemme see whatever you guys think's so damn important."

"You're not going to like this," the navigator warns as she starts down the stairs. "And neither is San- OW!"

Luffy, eager to learn more and evidently displeased that she's not moving faster, has just flung out an arm to yank the parchment from her grasp.

"Damn it, Luffy- that hurt!" She winces, shaking her fingers, and Sanji smacks their captain's head on his way past as he rushes up the stairs to inspect her fresh paper cuts. "You don't just grab at things like that!"

"No raw meat, no raw eggs, fine, whatever," the swordsman mutters, scanning the bulleted list as he and Luffy – who's making a disgruntled face and rubbing his skull – hold it between them. "No booze and- wait, you can't be serious. No booze, no soaking in the ofuro, and no- oi, what the hell, Chopper? How the fuck am I supposed to weight train without using my WEIGHTS?"

"No heavy lifting," Chopper states firmly. "The increased progesterone levels during pregnancy are loosening your joints and tendons in preparation for other physical changes. You're more susceptible to injury."

"Oh. Wow, there's sure a lot more stuff here than I figured..." Luffy remarks hesitantly as his eyes continue trailing down the list. He shoots a sideways glance riddled with chagrin at his lover. "Zoro's still sure he's not mad?"

Forcibly relaxing his grip on the parchment that's beginning to crumple in his tense fingers, the older pirate exhales slowly through his nose. "You- you really wanna have this-" Unwilling- or rather UNABLE- to speak the b-word, because to do so makes this real. REALLY real. "You really wanna do this, don't you."

"... yeah."

"Let's just- let's just take it one day at a time, okay?"

While he thinks there's a good chance he's going to be bored out of his mind for the duration of this insanity, Zoro's distress at the prospect of being denied the majority of his favorite hobbies is somewhat mitigated by the sloppy, overjoyed kisses his captain's plastering all over his face.

And the expression on the swirly-brow cook's face when Nami plucks the lit cigarette from his lips and coolly informs him that he's just quit smoking because secondhand smoke's bad for their impending new crew member? Priceless.