AN: This is, of course, meant in jest. Rated T for some foul language. I don't own nothin'.

Shepard paced back and forth in the briefing room. The Reaper IIF lay in the middle of the table.

"This is such bullshit!" Shepard fumed. "The Alliance isn't doing anything. The Council doesn't believe in 'Reapers'. The Council has 'dismissed' all claims of Reapers. Cerberus is a bag of dicks waiting to back-stab me. Who is trustworthy, able to help me, and believes me?"

Legion walked past the briefing room.

Shepard smiled.

Shepard nodded at EDI as she boarded the Normandy, then paused. She looked EDI for a long moment.

"EDI, what kind of special hardware requirements do you need to exist?"

"While it is true I have several specialized processors and other components, these can be easily adapted from standard computing hardware with the right raw materials."

Shepard's smile widens.

The Normandy fled through space.

"Stop the ship."

The Normandy slows to a halt to watch as the EMP blazed through the geth station in the distance.

Shepard bared her teeth. "Turn around, we're heading back for some ...equipment."

She coughs. "*cough* and allies *cough*"

"I'm destroying the collector base."

Shepard cut off the Illusive Man's protests and threats by hanging up on him.

"Ok, now that he's been distracted, this is it. Legion. Here's a copy of the reaper IFF. Check the other relays carefully; we don't know where they end up, but the collectors were using them to sneak around the galaxy so at least some of them should bring your near known space. There's probably one that should lead to somewhere near the Perseus Veil, now that I think about it. Once you find a stable relay, connect back with the rest of the geth, and the rachni." She glanced out to the floating graveyard of ships, billions of years old. "Hopefully you guys can get something working in time." She turned away from the window. "EDI, you good on your side of things?"

"I have assumed direct control, Shepard." EDI replied.

There was silence.

"That was a joke."

Shepard's shark-like grin was humorless.

"Shepard, are you talking to someone?" Vega peered suspiciously into the room.

Shepard looked up. "I'm trapped under house arrest and watched 24/7. Who could I talk to?"

In the rafters, a rachni infiltration drone scurried away, carrying the latest orders from their Princess, Jane Shepard.

Shepard cackled quietly to herself.

When the Reaper's land assault reached Shepard, she was standing in the middle of the street, watching them come. As they neared, she raised her hand above her head, and as she gestured, giant horrors burst out from the ground and began to literally chew through the Reaper ground assault.

Behind her, a towering wall of chitin, serrated teeth, and scything claws erupted from beneath. Shepard turned, and leapt on top of the rachni ultralisk. Crouched on top of the living juggernaut, she waved her Widow sniper rifle like a spear. "Attack!"

Above her, hundreds of ships appeared through the relay to attack the Reapers; mile-long space hulks welded together from the mass graveyard of ancient ships, crewed by geth, controlled as a single organism by EDI, and filled with chittering rachni.