Title: Something worth feeling. (Coda for 4:10)

Author: Zenamydog

Rating: PG-13.

Characters/Pairing: Sam/Dean.

Warnings: Spoilers for 4:10. Won't make sense unless you've seen that ep. Very mild slash.

Beta: winchesterxgirl

Disclaimer: Man, if I owned these boys… *winks*

AN: I was so upset at the end of 4:10. I wanted Sam to reach out. I just had to write this.

Summary: Dean finally talks about his time in hell.

Dean couldn't look at Sam when they returned to the hotel, he was wound up tight and he knew it wouldn't take much to set him off.

He reached for his supply of whisky the moment he closed the door, then walked over and sat on the bed.

Sam seemed to be respecting his obvious need to be left alone. He grabbed a beer from the mini fridge, opened the top and began to sip it, without saying a word.

Several minutes past as they both drank their respective mind numbing, agents.

"Do you think… Do you think she's okay?" Sam asked.

Dean didn't need to ask who he was talking about, he knew it was Anna. The fallen Angel he'd betrayed in order to keep Sam safe.

"Dunno," he dismissed the question.

"Do you think Alistair's gone? Like… for good?"

"Dunno, Sammy." Dean took in a deep breath and another long gulp of whisky.

"Do you thi---,"

"Sam!" Dean stood from the bed. "For Christ sake would you just shut the fuck up!"

Sam's brow rose. "Okay, calm down." He patted the air with his hand. "I'm just trying to make conversation."

"Well I don't need conversation!" Dean screamed and threw the bottle at the wall, then walked over and grabbed his coat.

"Where are you going?" Sam stood up. "I don't think you sho---,"

Dean didn't hear the end of what Sam was saying, just the slam of the door behind him.

00000000000000000000000000000000000

It was about 4:00am when Dean finally staggered through the door. Sam was lying on the bed with his back to him. He'd heard the Impala from a block away and feigned sleep.

He wondered how the hell Dean had managed to drive the car when he was this drunk. He could hear him struggling to get the key in the keyhole.

"I know you're not asleep, Sammy," Dean slurred after finally letting himself in. "So you don't have to pretend."

Sam wondered if he should just keep his eyes closed, but he rolled over. "Hey," he said sleepily.

Dean was sitting on the bed opposite, trying to pull his sneaker off, before he dropped his foot back to the floor, defeated. "Her name was Sarah," he said out of the blue.

Sam swiped his hair back with his fingers and sat up in bed. "Who's Sarah?" Sam wasn't sure he really wanted to hear about tonight's conquest.

Dean laid down fully clothed and Sam pulled the covers off himself and moved to sit on Dean's bed. "Who's Sarah," Sam asked again as he started to unlace Dean's shoe and pull it off.

"My first," Dean answered.

Sam started on the other shoe and wondered what he was talking about. Dean lost his virginity to a girl name Donna when he was fourteen. So…

"You're first what," Sam asked and proceeded to remove Dean's socks.

Dean didn't answer and that made Sam look up at him.

Dean's eyes were filled with tears. "Dean?" Sam slid up the bed, closer to his brother.

"The first person that replaced me on the rack."

Sam cringed. Oh shit. "Dean it's okay." Sam instinctively reached to touch the side of his brother's face. "You don't have to talk about it."

"She was seventeen," Dean didn't seem to hear him. "Killed her Mom."

Sam figured that, yes… Killing your mother was probably a good reason to end up in hell. "Dean, please." Sam started to unbutton his jeans. "Just get some sleep, okay?"

Sam startled when Dean rolled towards him and grabbed his arm. "You don't understand," Dean's words were drooled and desperate. "She didn't deserve it. She did it because she had to. It was a mercy killing. She shouldn't have been there and she…" Dean took in a shaky breath. "I started with her eyes, I…"

Imagines danced around in Sam's head and suddenly he didn't want to hear anymore. "Come on, Dean," Sam pleaded. "This can wait, okay?" He stood from the bed.

He'd wanted to reach out to Dean, when he stood with his back to him, leaning on the car, yesterday. He was curious, just like Dean had said, but he knew at the time, Dean wouldn't accept any comfort.

"I started by carving them out of their sockets," Dean continued. "I didn't want her to look at me…" Dean put his face in his hands and sobbed. "I didn't want her to look at me."

"It's okay, Dean."

"No it's not!" Dean yelled rising from the bed to face him. "How in hell, can that be okay, Sam? How? Alistair said I showed promise. Do you wanna know why I showed promise, Sammy?"

"Dean." Sam took a step forward.

"Because by the time I got to ripping her toenails out, I wasn't hearing the screams any more. All I could think was---,"

"Dean." Sam moved that extra step forward and engulfed him in his arms.

Dean's body just fell into him with no resistance and Sam lowered them both to sit back down on the bed.

He could feel Dean's wet tears falling against his neck and he brought his hand up to splay at the back of Dean's head.

"All I could think about was that the screams weren't mine." Dean cried harder.

"It wasn't your fault, Dean," Sam tried to soothe "You lasted thirty years. That's a hell of a lot longer than most people could."

Dean pulled slowly out of his arms to look up at him. "By the time…" Dean shook his head and looked away. "There were hundreds, Sammy. I peeled skin and bone and sinews from hundreds of people and…"

Sam didn't say anything, just waited for Dean to continue.

"And by the time Castiel pulled me out…" Tears flowed freely down Dean's face. "I didn't care anymore. I ripped and shredded and tortured as if… as if…"

"Dean, stop." Sam held his face in both hands. "Don't do this to yourself. You had no choice."

"I wish I could. I wish I could… just… stop. There's nothing left… Nothing to feel good about, not anymore," he sobbed.

Dean's eyes were so wide; his expression so filled with pain that Sam just followed his instincts and leaned in tentatively to brush their lips together.

The kiss was soft and brief, but it was a kiss.

Dean's eyes were wider when they leaned back to look at each other. They held a hint of fear. "Sammy?"

Sam wasn't sure what he was supposed to say. Wasn't sure how kissing his brother could help in any way, but he knew it felt… right. "What I feel for you," he said softly. "That's worth feeling."

Dean lowered his eyes and Sam could almost see the cogs of his brain turning as they sat there in silence for a moment.

When he finally looked up at him again, Dean's eyes weren't quite as haunted. "Yeah, Sammy… you're right. That is worth feeling."

Sam leaned in again, but this time… Dean met him half way.

THE END

AN: I wrote this quickly, I hope you all liked, please let me know if you did.