When I hit the bottom
I scraped my knees when I was praying.
And found a demon in my safest haven.
Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything
And just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts.
It was hard to believe in his father when every shred of evidence told him otherwise. But wasn't that what faith was all about? To cling to one belief, the belief he knew, with his every fiber, was right? Or was that simply stupidity?
Castiel, still angel of the Lord despite everything that had happened in the past year, wasn't sure how different faith and stupidity was. It was a fine line, he decided.
He, Castiel, had no right to question his faith. He was an angel. He knew what he had to do. Find God, find his father. But sometimes… in flight, mostly, in the drawn-out milliseconds when his wings, his last remaining tie to heaven, would whisk him from one location to the other, doubts would start to cross his mind. Was he simply foolish? Were Raphael and the other angels right?
"Don't get lost in all your selfish thoughts. This is bigger than you and your doubts."
But however many times he said that to himself, it just didn't ring true anymore.
I want to know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride, to see nothing in the light.
I'll turn it off in all my spite.
In all my spite, I'll turn it off.
Castiel wanted, so badly, to know that he was right. To find perfection in my pride… he wanted to know that his pride, his pride in knowing that he was right while all his superiors were wrong, was not just foolish arrogance… to see nothing in the light… he wanted to look up at heaven, that blinding light that used to be his home, and know that all those lofty angels that still dwelled there were mistaken, that God hadn't abandoned them.
He just wanted to know. Was that too much to ask?
And the worst part is
Before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall I will realise
I'm better off when I hit the bottom
Yes, Castiel was headed for a cliff. He was going to Fall. He'd known for some time now, of course. The second he placed his bloodied hand on that sigil on the wall in the Green Room to banish Zachariah, he'd known he would fall. Without his ties to heaven he was just a rebellious angel.
He didn't want to become human. He admired them, even loved them; they were all his Father's creations, after all, but he was an angel. He wasn't like Anna. He didn't want to become a human.
But a little part of him whispered that it would be easier if he just stopped fighting. If he fell, he would invariably end up dying. And then all this would just stop.
Better off when he hit the bottom.
Tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero.
All his brothers, all his superiors, everyone he looked up to were slowly but surely breaking and bending. Maybe not falling, like he was, but they were breaking. Raphael and Michael wanted the apocalypse—they wanted to destroy their own father's creation. Gabriel had simply left, abandoned ship. Anna had tried to kill Sam, Castiel's friend Sam, Dean's brother Sam. They had once been great, but now they were all breaking.
Well, I can see behind the curtains
The wheels are cranking, turning.
It's all wrong, the way we're working
Towards a goal that's nonexistent
It's nonexistent, but we just keep believing.
He and Dean and Sam… Team Free Will, Dean had called them. What goal did they possibly hope to achieve? To beat the devil, to find God? It wasn't going to happen. It was nonexistent. But, well, what else was there to do? To believe in?
It was all wrong. But they would go on anyway.
And the worst part is,
Before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall I will realise
I'm better off when I hit the bottom.
I want to know what it'd be like
To see perfection in my pride, to see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off.
Just turn it off!
And the worst part is,
Before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall I will realise
I'm better off when I hit the bottom