A/N

Okay, once again I am back with a story intended for humour and lightheartedness only! Those looking for a serious, well thought-out and meaningful piece of insight into the mind of Harry Pearce or the actions of Lucas North, please hit "back" as fast as you can. For those who just want a mindless, plotless bit of fun, read on!

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, locations etc. They belong to Kudos, Monastic, BBC etc. No copyright infringement intended.

No Man is an Island, Except the Isle of Man

It was meant to be a usual day on the Grid. Terrorists were meant to threaten the monarchy and/or the country as a whole, Section D were meant to stop them. Like cops and robbers really, except a bit more important.

However, when Harry walked out of his office, pale and resigned, and called them all to the briefing room, the team knew immediately that it was not going to be an ordinary day. Harry only ever looked so hard done by when he had been on the phone to-

"The CIA," Harry started wearily, looking at the rest of the team, "wanted to invite us over to the United States for a few days."

He had only just finished the sentence when the protests erupted;

"What the hell do they want!"

"Why do they always give us orders like we're a smaller country!"

"We are a smaller country, Beth!"

"How am I going to watch Strictly Come Dancing!"

"How am I going to explain this to my landlord!"

"How am I going to explain this to my cat!"

There was silence at the last comment and everyone looked at Ruth. She turned bright red and coughed, before looking at Harry.

"Y-you were saying, Harry?"

"Yyeess," Harry said slowly, trying to get his thoughts back together and away from Ruth talking to her cat, "the CIA wouldn't take no for an answer."

"Did you say it loads of times?" Beth asked, "sometimes you have to keep saying it for them to get the picture."

"I dropped it in every sentence," Harry sighed, "but they weren't having it. We're to leave tomorrow morning on the earliest flight out. So, you're all free to go home early and pack."

Dimitri, Beth, Tariq and Lucas cheered at the thought of an early day and raced out of the briefing room. Harry noticed Ruth still sat in silence at the table.

"Something wrong, Ruth?"

"What sort of things will we need to pack?" she asked nervously.

"Oh, well, I don't know exactly..." He couldn't exactly instruct on that kind of thing. Somehow he doubted Ruth would be packing whiskey, ties and a Sudoku book like him.

"It's just that, I've never had a... day off before."

"What about when you went to Cyprus?"

Ah. Wrong thing to say. Ruth glared at him.

"Funnily enough, Harry, I didn't put a lot of thought into packing that day. You see, I was in a bit of a rush, trying to catch my boat before they realised the body found in the Thames wasn't mine!"

"Sorry, you're right, yes," Harry backtracked, "can't you ask Beth for help? She must know what to pack, get a general idea from her."

Ruth nodded reluctantly and stood up.

"If I get caught out in the American Airport because I'm carrying a gun, it's because of your advice I hope you realise. That girl is a walking arsenal."

...

Beth tugged at the zip of the suitcase trying to get it to shut.

"Stupid thing!" she shouted at it as the zip refused to budge, "'extends and fits more' my arse!"

Ruth wandered in at the commotion coming from her flatmates bedroom. She found Beth sitting on her suitcase, trying to push it down.

"What on earth have you packed, Beth!" She asked incredulously, walking over to see.

"Essentials, if the damn thing would just close!" Beth ground out through her teeth before she yanked the zip with force.

Ruth peered in the gap and looked at the 'essentials'.

"Oreos?" She raised her eyebrows at the young Spook.

"Have you tried their idea of chocolate?"

"No."

"Pack some Cadburys bars," Beth replied with a visible shudder.

Ruth didn't bother to explain to her that they could buy Oreos in America. She'd figure it out eventually.

"Beth, have you packed anything that cannot be eaten or exploded?"

"Of course," Beth argued, affronted, "I have a couple of bottles of vodka in there too."

...

Lucas sat down next to his empty suitcase. He didn't own alot of stuff, it was quite sad actually. He glanced down at the three framed pictures he held in his hands.

Did he take his picture of Maya?

Or his picture of Elizabeta?

Or how about his picture of Sarah Caulfield?

He sighed and wondered when his life got so complicated. With resolution, he shoved all three in his suitcase, plus a change of clothes and zipped it up. Done.

...

Tariq didn't need a suitcase, not really.

He would just buy whatever he wanted when he got there. Everything could be bought online. Instead of packing, he decided to play with the facial recog on his laptop. Well, that was the official line anyway. Instead, he logged in to World of Warcraft.

He had always maintained that the team would be sorry when they were stuck in an unfortunate situation and had no level twenty three dwarf mage to help them.

...

Dimitri whistled along to his ipod as he packed his things. He threw in some clothes that would show off his physique. No-one would be able to resist, he thought smugly.

As he browsed through his bathroom cabinet, he came across some suntan lotion.

Well, I'm never going to get to use it here. Maybe they'll send us somewhere sunny in the US and I can get a nice tan.

Buoyed by the thought, Dimitri threw it in his suitcase.

Suddenly the song changed in his ears.

"It's rraaiinniinngg mmeenn, hallelujah!"

Dimitri looked around quickly and, seeing no-one around to ridicule him, shrugged and turned it up.

...

Harry looked at his carry-all with satisfaction.

Whiskey, three silk ties and a book of puzzles, perfect. He sat down and celebrated his efficiency with a glass of wine and turned on the tv to watch 'The Chase'.

It was only much later that he realised he should probably actually pack some clothes as well.

...

The airport the next day was manic, with all the staff of Section D scrabbling round and trying to get seats next to anyone but Lucas. He would no doubt spend the trip there telling them how the past love of his life worked for the CIA. Then out would come the pictures, everytime like clockwork on any trip that lasted longer than the time it took him to find the photos.

Beth grabbed a seat next to Dimitri, while Harry ordered seats for both himself and Ruth. Tariq was last in the queue and asked desperately if any other seats were available. In the end, he took the seat between a man with a rather strange body odour and a woman prone to falling asleep on the passenger next to her and dribbling.

They were all waiting on Ruth now. Eventually, with minutes to spare, they saw her running towards them as fast as her sensible shoes could carry her. In one hand was a large suitcase on wheels, in the other a bulked out carry-all. She also had her handbag (that actually appeared to be larger than the carry-all) slung around her neck.

"Wow, Ruth" Lucas said, looking at her luggage warily, "you have a lot packed."

"Well, I was influenced by Beth on what to pack..." Ruth started, slightly out of breath.

Beth smiled smugly. She was a role model. She had never been a role model in her life. For good reasons, everyone told her, but this time she proved them all wrong.

"You, er, you packed the same as Beth?" Harry asked nervously. Surely she won't get past security if that were the case...

"Yes," Ruth replied, "except, instead of the guns I packed my kindle. Oh and instead of the vodka I packed a blanket. Also, instead of the substance that looks suspiciously like C4, I packed some Werthers Originals."

"Werthers Originals?" Harry interrupted, trying hard not to laugh, "Ruth, we're going to help out the CIA, not scout out our retirment homes."

"Wait," Tariq cut in, confused, "this is actual work business?"

"Yes," Harry replied, "why? You didn't think it was a holiday did you?"

Everyone glanced at eachother, embarrassed. Finally, Dimitri piped up;

"Do we have time to go back and-?"

"-No."

...

The plane was cramped and quite busy. Tariq sat squashed in his chosen seat, trying desperately to block out the pungent aroma of cheese emanating from his left while also trying to slowly move his shoulder away from the woman to his right who had fallen asleep on it. He could handle the dribbling without complaint, sort of, but when her false teeth fell out into his lap he was near breaking point.

Beth was busy browsing through Dimitri's ipod while he looked out the window. Such wonderful views of the ocean, he thought with wonder as they glided over it, pristine and clear. I just want to dive in and-

"Your most played song on here is 'Careless Whisper'!"

Dimitri groaned in annoyance and snatched his ipod back out of Beth's hands. She was smiling evilly, the kind of smile that told him he hadn't heard the end of it just yet.

"It's a very meaningful song," Dimitri argued, "it's got more depth than you have!"

Beth was silent at the caustic comment and Dimitri regretted saying it. She slowly sat back in her seat and looked at the TV screen in front of her. They were silent for a few minutes while Dimitri wondered desperately what to say in this situation. His thoughts were broken by a snigger from his left.

"You listen to George Michael!"

Beth was laughing again.

Harry watched out of the corner of his eye as Ruth put her handbag in the overhead luggage. She had already nearly knocked out the person in front of them with a falling Rubiks Cube and Harry had to force the people behind to sign the Officials Secrets Act when they threatened to sue for injury as Ruth's kindle fell on one of their heads.

Harry didn't mind though. He liked watching Ruth stretch and bustle about, cursing in Ancient Persian. With a final successful cry, she sat back down next to Harry, kindle in one hand and Werthers Originals in the other.

She offered him the packet and he contemplated them. If he said no, he maintained his status as 'not quite dead yet' but at the same time went hungry. If he were to accept, he would be basically asking the pilot to take them straight to Florida to start searching for a condo by the sea, but his stomach wouldn't rumble embarrassingly.

He accepted the sweet, much to Ruth's delight.

She happily ate away as she turned on her kindle. At his enquiring gaze, she showed him the screen.

"I charged it up some this morning. It's got six hours left of battery life. Means I can read whatever book I want without having to lug them all around."

Harry squinted and looked at the screen.

"The Prince's Virgin Bride?" He read aloud, curious.

"Oh shit!" Ruth blushed bright red and hit random buttons to make the title go away.

"That sounded like a Mills and Boon title-"

"-Well it wasn't!" Ruth shouted quickly, "I-It's an ancient history book! About Cleopatra and Mark Antony and how the Battle of Actium affected their relationship and that of Octavian."

Harry just smiled and nodded.

"Of course."

"How do you know it's a Mills and Boon title anyway?"

"Well," Harry flustered, "I-"

The plane took that moment to jolt. Ruth gasped and clutched at the arms of the seat. Harry gazed at her softly.

"It's just turbulence, Ruth."

"Uh-huh," she replied shakily, "I don't like flying. So many tubes of pringles in the air at once, it's just not natural Harry."

"Nothing bad is going to happen, I promise you."

As soon as he said that, the plane jolted again but harder. It continued to shake and groan, before oxygen masks fell from the compartments above. The lights flickered off and the air stewardesses started to scream.

Ruth turned her head to glare at Harry.

"You just had to bloody jinx it."

A/N

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next chapter up hopefully sometime soon!