Dormire
Summary: Remus watches Sirius sleep. A series of 7 drabbles spanning 1970 – 1996. Non-graphic RL/SB, very brief mention of cannon RL/NT.
Note: Well it's been a while since I last wrote anything, but the Harry Potter bug bit me again and this plot bunny would not leave my brain. Constructive criticism is appreciated, as always. As for the title, "dormire" is the Latin infinitive for 'to sleep.' I just thought it sounded pretty.
Dormire
September 1970 – First Year
Remus watches Sirius sleep, and wonders. He passes an eye over James and Peter, too, but he really pays attention to Sirius. It's their first night at Hogwarts, their first night away from home. Peter has long since stopped crying behind the curtains of his four-poster bed. James has already written a letter to his parents - it's sitting on his nightstand ready to be sent first thing in the morning. Peter is a bit shy, but James has already made several friends. The other boy, Sirius, is a mystery to him. He spoke to no one while in line for the sorting and his silence persisted especially after the hat bellowed "GYFFINDOR!" and an awkward hush fell over the Great Hall. Remus is sure that it didn't help that his welcome to the Gryffindor table was a chilly one. Sirius Black – heir to one of the oldest pureblood wizarding families, judged solely based on his surname, before he even had the chance to speak. Remus has heard the stories of the Blacks, certainly, but he's never heard anything of Sirius, specifically. Remus knows what it's like to be judged based on a singular trait – knows it far, far too well. So Remus resolves to withhold his judgment of Sirius until the other boy actually proves to him that he is like the rest of his dark family. For now, Remus lies in bed and gazes at his new roommates, looks around at his dormitory, double checks his bag that's already full of books, and smiles. Tomorrow when he wakes up, he'll start his new life.
April 1974 – Fourth Year
Remus watches Sirius sleep, and panics. There's a bursting feeling in his chest, an overpowering wave of emotions that wash over him whenever he even thinks of the other boy. Remus wants to cry out in frustration. So it's not enough that he was cursed and become a werewolf, he also has to fancy blokes – one of his best mates, at that. Sirius shifts in his bed and Remus feels like he's captured under a spell. Long black hair (He's has been growing it out), pale skin (A little sunburned from quidditch practice today), and gangly limbs (He just hit a growth spurt and his body fat hasn't caught up yet). Remus doesn't want this to be happening. Merlin, who would? The blood flowing to his brain begins to travel in a decidedly opposite direction and Remus feels himself flush, ashamed. He and his parents fought to hard to get him into Hogwarts, to surround him with peers and friends. Indeed, he found friends, great ones, and he refuses to let a little thing like a crush-maybe-more-frightening-chest-bursting-emotion ruin what he has found. Tomorrow when he wakes up, he'll continue to ignore it.
December 1975- Sixth Year
Remus watches Sirius sleep, and calms himself. Well, he calms the wolf, more accurately. He got a letter from James just past midnight, telling him in rushed words that Sirius ran away from home. James probably hadn't anticipated Remus flooing over as soon as the letter came by owl. Apparently Sirius, in his less-than-prime mental state, had seen it fit to walk half the distance from Grimmauld to James' house, before remembering the existence of the Knight Bus. Supposedly, the fight had culminated in Sirius packing his trunk and eloquently screaming, "Fuck of all you evil bastards!" and slamming the door behind him. Remus usually refrained from cursing at other people, but in this case the Blacks had it coming a million times over. A quick flash of anger in the back of his mind told Remus that the wolf agreed. Remus had panicked when he'd gotten the letter, he imagined bruises and cuts, but happily found none (for once). The final fight was ironically anticlimactic in relation to the ones before it. That doesn't stop anger and resentment from pooling in Remus' stomach. This is Padfoot, who is full of laughter and quick comebacks, who is so completely alive. This is Padfoot, who doesn't know when to stop with a joke, who has unpredictable mood swings, who nearly killed both Remus and Snape last year. But…it's Padfoot, and the wolf does not take people hurting members of his pack lightly. Remus feels a fire burn from his stomach to his chest, and can't tell if it's rage or love – maybe both. Tomorrow when Sirius wakes up, Remus will still be here.
July 1979
Remus watches Sirius sleep, and smiles. He smiles despite the pain and the bone-deep ache that always permeates his entire body the morning after a transformation. There are bandages on his ribs and right arm, and he feels the sting of cuts still healing. Some nights are better than others; sometimes he wakes up with barely a scratch and other times he wakes up in St. Mungo's. Sirius is lying next to him. The other man looks about as dead-tired as Remus feels. From the sounds of it Auror training has been hell on wheels, and both James and Sirius routinely look like the walking dead. A 6 a.m. training session followed by drills and missions until nighttime will do that to you. Remus tries not to resent Auror training for taking Sirius away from him so often; after all, in times like these Aurors are one of the most necessary and vital jobs in the fight against the dark arts. Besides, Sirius still made it home for the full moon. It had been something Sirius promised Remus back when he'd pulled the fuck-up-of-a-lifetime, also known as the prank. It had taken months for Remus to really trust Sirius enough to allow Padfoot back into the shack and Sirius promised him that he would never miss a full moon again. Remus hadn't really expected him to keep the promise, of course, but so far his record was spotless. His fingers thread themselves into black hair. Remus smiles again and chuckles. What a love-struck fool he is. The sun breaks over the horizon and begins to shine into the window, but Remus is too tired and aching to close the blinds. Instead, he drifts back to sleep knowing that when he wakes up later, Sirius will still be there.
September 1981
Remus watches Sirius sleep, and doesn't know what to think anymore. The times are dark and few are to be trusted. There is a spy in the Order. Remus doesn't want to think it, Merlin, he doesn't want to think it. But…there are things than Remus' rational brain cannot ignore. Auror missions Sirius claims to have gone on, missions that James never heard of. Order business that Sirius says he can't talk about, Order business and alibis that Dumbledore won't corroborate. The facts are obvious, plain as day, but there are walls inside Remus' brain around the idea. He can't break down the walls to really consider it because…he just can't. It's unthinkable. Sirius is one of the best things that ever happened to him. Sure, they may be going through a rough spot (They haven't even had sex in two weeks), and maybe they fight more often now (on a daily basis), but to admit that Sirius may be the spy is to admit that this thing, this one good thing in his life, is a fallacy and a lie. Remus can't. He will wait until there's stronger evidence (even thought the evidence is right there, sleeping beside him). Tomorrow when he wakes up, Sirius will already be gone on a "mission," and Remus will be alone with the deafening accusations he can't acknowledge.
November 1994
Remus watches Sirius sleep, and remembers. He remembers wet kisses and muffled laughter. He remembers the feeling of safety during full moons. He remembers both parts of him, the wolf and the human, being so completely in love that he felt like he was on fire. The man Remus watches now is not the man he remembers from back then. There are no wet kisses (Where exactly their relationship stands has yet to be determined), and there is no laughter (How can either of them laugh now?). He passes the full moons under a wolfesbane-induced haze. Sirius' old role as the shepherd and healer are no longer needed. Sirius now is a far cry from the Sirius then. But, he's putting on weight and his hair has been cut, so he bears some vague resemblance to the striking man he once was. Remus wants the old Sirius back so badly that is physically hurts, but wishing such a thing is hypocritical, because Remus now isn't the same as Remus back then, either. He has gotten grey, has acquired uncountable new scars, and his face bears more age than it should for a man thirty-five-years-old. Remus can't be the young man Sirius remembers anymore than Sirius can be lively and spirited. Life has beaten them, life has won. Remus crawls onto the bed beside Sirius and lays there until he, too, is asleep. Tomorrow when he wakes up, he will find himself held in strong arms and overwhelmed by the familiar scent of dog and cinnamon.
July 1996
Remus sleeps alone. There's no warm body beside him. No waist to drape his arm over, no breath on his neck. He knows that the others in the Order are worried about him. Molly even feels it necessary to practically force-feed him. They think he's just depressed over the loss of a friend; they don't understand the breadth of what Remus has lost. Actually, what he had, then lost, then rediscovered, then lost yet again. He buries his head in the pillow and tries to block out the dark thoughts, the gaping black hole in the pit of his stomach. A hurried knock on the door interrupts his mental downward spiral. The thudding footsteps alert Remus to Tonks' presence before she even says anything. She quietly closes the door behind her and slips under the sheets beside him, resting her purple-haired head on his bare chest. She's not Sirius, no one will ever be, but she is warm and soft and lively and she reminds him of something wonderful he once had. Her smile doesn't completely dispel the darkness, but it helps. Tomorrow when he wakes up, the sun will be shining and the shadows will be gone.