Title: Slapdown!
Rating: K (for violence)
Summary: Jackie and Donna, two rival slappers, face each other in the brutal sport of Slapdown.
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who.
Author's Note: A complete crack!fic. I have no idea where this came from. Italics in the main document is the announcer - your normal male sports kind.
Slapdown!
In the red corner, weighing in at 65 kilograms…
"I'm 60 kilograms!"
It says here 65.
"Well it's wrong! I've been on a diet!"
Fine, fine. Weighing in at 60 kilograms, wearing a casual blue tracksuit and way too much eyeliner, all the way from the Powell Estate, please welcome … Jackiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie Tyler!
(A mix of cheers and boos as Jackie walks in).
Jackie: "Oh shut up!"
(Jackie steps up and takes off her jacket.)
Jackie: "I hope this isn't gonna take long – EastEnders is on soon."
And in the blue corner, weighing in at 63 kilograms, wearing a beautiful white wedding dress…
"It doesn't have pockets!"
Er, yes. Anyway, also wearing a tiara and high heels, wait, is that actually a woman?
"You bet your arse it is, mate!"
Sorry. Here she is … Donnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Noble!
(Very few cheers as Donna walks up. She doesn't seem to care.)
Donna: "Am I bovvered?"
The rivals face each other and get ready for the match. These two are extremely nasty and competitive. You wouldn't want to get between them at a K-Mart clearance sale.
Donna and Jackie: "Hey!"
And now, the victim is about to be put in place. As you all know, the measure of each opponent's slap is judged by this person. They will take one contestant on one cheek, and the other contestant on the other cheek. And so, please welcome, all the way from Gallifrey … the Doctor!
(The crowd gives a massive round of applause as the 10th Doctor walks up. Knickers and bras fly everywhere.)
The Doctor: "Thank you, thank you. Great to be here."
(The Doctor steps into the middle of the ring, with Jackie and Donna on either side of him.)
EVERYONE … LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
(There is a referee in the ring. He blows his whistle, and the fight begins.)
Jackie: "You took my daughter away for a year!"
The Doctor: "It was only meant to be…"
SLAP!
Donna: "You kidnapped me on my wedding day!"
The Doctor: "It was the Huon partic…"
SLAP!
Jackie: "You're an old alien pervert!"
The Doctor: "Rose and I never did anything…"
SLAP!
Donna: "They had the reception without me!"
The Doctor: "That's hardly my…"
SLAP!
Jackie: "You regenerated on Rose without even telling her!"
The crowd: "Oooooooo…"
SLAP!
Donna: "You killed my fiancé!"
The Doctor: "Actually, the Racnoss…"
SLAP!
(The referee blows his whistle.)
Okay, that's the first half over. Doctor, how are you holding up?
The Doctor (rubbing his cheeks): "I'm in immense pain! This feels worse than when Rose and I were separated!"
That's great. While everyone in the ring takes a break, here's our half-time show – the story of wannabe slapper, Francine Jones. Playing Francine we have her daughter Tish, and playing the Doctor, here's Captain Jack Harkness.
(More knickers in the air.)
Tish/Francine: "You took away my daughter!"
Pretty weak slap.
Jack/The Doctor: "That hurt a little bit."
Hope you enjoyed that, folks. Okay, now it's time for Round 2. Are you ready?
The Doctor: "No!"
They're ready!
(The referee blows his whistle.)
Jackie: "You never told Rose about your other companions!"
SLAP!
Donna: "What other companions?"
SLAP!
Jackie: "You left Rose for a French tart!"
The Doctor: "I had to stop the Droids…)
SLAP! (A cheer goes up.)
Donna: You killed the entire race of Racnoss!
SLAP!
Jackie: "You continually made fun of my cooking!"
SLAP!
Donna: "You tried to do a runner on me when I invited you for Christmas dinner!"
SLAP!
(The referee blows his whistle.)
And that's the second round over. Doctor, do we have a winner?
The Doctor: "It's very hard to tell. Both these women are extremely skilled slappers. I'll be feeling these in my next few bodies, that's for sure."
Random person in the audience: "Take your shirt off!"
The Doctor (continuing): "I'm sorry, I really can't decide on a winner."
In that case, we have to go to the final round…
The Doctor: "Oh Rassilion…"
…known as the Slap of Death!
(The crowd gasps.)
Each slapper will have one slap, and one slap only, so they need to make it hurt as much as possible. Ladies, take your place.
(A hush comes over the crowd as Jackie looks at the Doctor, her face suddenly looking soft and sad.)
Jackie: "You never told Rose you loved her."
(She does nothing for a moment, but then…)
SLAP!!!!!!!
The Doctor: "Aaaarghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!"
(Donna takes a deep breath.)
Donna: "You made me see how terrible the universe is."
SLAP!!!!!
(The referee blows the final whistle, and the Doctor collapses onto the ground.)
The Doctor is now making his decision. This is a critical moment.
The Doctor (from his position on the ground): "It's been very tough, but that final round made it very clear. The slapping champion of the world is … Jackie Tyler."
Jackie: "Oh my god! I won! I won!"
Donna "Am I bovvered?"
And that's it for another exciting round of Slapdown! We'll see you again next week, so until then, remember – keep slapping! Good night.
The End
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Thoughts? Comments? Squees of joy? Concrit? NO FLAMES!