Warning: Utter nonsense, utter bullshit, OOC, sexual references and weirdness. Any misspellings or wrong grammar is unintentional. I am my own beta. I could have missed some stuff.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAKASHI!

FAIRYTALE KISS

Kakashi remained relaxed in the soft mattress of the hospital bed, eyes closed and inhaling the clean oxygen supplied to him. He felt pretty much like a maniac that very moment, despite the fact that he received two kunais on the side, mild poisoning, 'scraped' by a wind jutsu and a horrible concussion. Normally, he wouldn't even think of remaining in the hospital for more than a minute, which was why the medics knew better than to keep him conscious (or semi-conscious even) if he came back to the village sporting a large hole in the middle of his torso and in need of a blood transfusion.

However, that rainy September morning, the ache of his body was more than welcomed. In fact, he was so glad he had gotten injured. Hell, he was so happy that the whole trip back on Raidou's back made him bubble with delight from the very pits of his stomach. His toes and fingers tingled despite the wrenching pain in his side and slight headache from the aftereffects of the poison's antidote. For the record, he was no masochist. Although Raidou begged to differ the whole way back to the village, with Kakashi grinning like a madman while his head lolled back and forth on the elder Jounin's shoulder, Kakashi knew and insisted that he was definitely not a masochist.

He was nothing more than realist. And maybe an opportunist.

The digital clock on the heart machine finally changed its dials, revealing the time to be half past eight in the evening. Kakashi was now grinning ear to ear under his oxygen mask. The mission room should be closing by now.

"Stop that!"

Kakashi turned his happy face towards Genma, voice coming out raspy, like sandpaper on wood. "Stop what?"

"Stop smiling like that! It's irritating!" Genma mumbled, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

The Jounin didn't look good too himself. In the place of his bandana were thick bandages instead, his arm in a sling and cheek covered with a small patch of gauze. Bruises came in with mission package anyway, but Kakashi knew that neither Raidou nor Genma had bruises like his. His stretched from mid thigh and patched out in different shades to his back and arms. He did take most of the blow from the jutsu after all, pushing his friends away in the process. True, the reason he took the blow was because of his instincts to protect those who are close to him (friends, comrades, soon to be lover and so on). But the main reason was because he finally figured out how to change his marital status from single to 'In a relationship' and hopefully after that, 'married'. And really, he wasn't a masochist.

The grin on his face grew wider as his toes wiggled in anticipation. "I'm not smiling. My face hurts."

Genma glared at him. "My arm may be in a sling, but your face is really going to hurt more than it already is if you don't stop. I have another arm."

The threat fell on deaf ears. Instead, Kakashi turned his exposed eye towards the window behind Genma, where the moon was glowing brightly. "Is Raidou's pigeon here yet?"

"It's not a pigeon." Genma frowned, the retort defensive.

"It looks like a pigeon." Kakashi winced, not able to control the contort of his face when he shifted his neck and the cut on his back tweaked with pain.

"It's a falcon! He summons falcons, dumb shit!" Genma was starting to get irritated, because the smile in Kakashi's face was still there, even though his teeth weren't exposed anymore.

"Don't call me dumb shit." Kakashi said, turning to look at the ceiling.

Genma sighed irritably, the frown further etching in to his face. "How did you talk us in to this? This isn't going to work you know."

Kakashi's eye crinkled in amusement. "Yes it will."

"Iruka is not stupid."

"Of course not." Kakashi agreed and the more he thought of Iruka, the more his toes and fingers tingled.

Genma was clearly not in the same connection path as Kakashi was because his face looked dumbfounded. "Then how?"

Kakashi rolled his eyes, clearing his throat and wrinkling his nose to adjust the weight of the oxygen mask. Exhaling deeply, he turned to look at Genma, wincing again at the slight shift of his head. "Look, the only way I can live a domestic life with the guy is if I show him that I'm serious."

Genma blinked. "And how is having him come here to write an injury assessment report because you can't write since you're unconscious, I can't write because I'm apparently a leftie and my right hand is supposed to be numb from the poison. Oh and Raidou is supposed to suffer from short term memory loss from a blow to the head? And that he can't remember a short list of injuries to simply dictate it to Iruka in the mission room and therefore has to go there and fetch the guy himself?"

Kakashi smiled again. "That's exactly it."

"You know what, you're full of shit! And Raidou is tired and you're making him walk all this distance twice even after carrying you! You cruel heartless bastard!" Genma gritted out, bordering to being pissed off. "You're not going to win Iruka's sympathy by pretending to be unconscious."

"Yes, I will."

"No, you won't. It's dishonest, lying and cheating. Iruka hates all three, dumb shit."

"I'm not dumb shit."

"And I'm not reciting that bullshit you told me earlier. No bloody way! I'm not going to make myself look stupid for your sake."

"Just because you're fucking pigeon-boy -"

"It's falcons!"

"Doesn't mean that - hey, that's the pigeon right?" Kakashi blinked, his eye focusing on the window once more.

Genma grumbled and turned to look at the falcon perching on the window, who then tapped it's beak against the glass twice before vanishing in a puff of smoke. "They're coming up. I can't believe Raidou got him to come."

"Told you so."

"Go to sleep, dumb shit. You're supposed to be unconscious!"

Kakashi hummed and settled on the bed once more, releasing the excited pull on his muscles and exhaling deeply, putting his mind in the first level of what he liked to call pre-conscious state. He was still fully aware of what went on around the room, faint chakra like lines of the people in the hospital glowing in his third eye's view. He could sense Genma's slight irregular chakra flow due to his discomfort but otherwise, everything was fine. Kakashi knew that from the outside, he looked like a patient who just had his innards ripped out and shoved back in again, topped with large amounts of blood transfusion.

He looked perfect.

There was a soft knock on the door, followed by the turning of the doorknob, coupled with light footsteps, one draggy, one nervous.

In his mind, Kakashi knew that he had won already.

"Raidou-san, you should have just sent your summons. You didn't have to come fetch me. Here, sit down." Iruka said, quickly pulling out a chair that Kakashi knew was in the corner of the room.

"It's all right Iruka-sensei. I'm actually rather grateful you can spare some of your evening time." Raidou said, sounding completely tired and lost. Kakashi was going to have to pat him in the back for his brilliant acting once the whole drama was over.

"It's quite all right. You three look terrible. How's your arm, Genma-san?"

Kakashi felt his heart skip a bit at the soft voice of the Chuunin. It was like silver bells to his ears, melodic and gentle. He was enjoying the reverberations of Iruka's voice around the room when Genma spoke in a gruff and very forced I'm-so-hurt-voice.

"They said I broke my arm in two places. They said they want to keep me in the hospital for some scans in case I hit my head like Kakashi here." Genma said and Kakashi really felt like getting up at the moment and throwing is pillow at Genma and maybe break his arm again. That way he'll have three fractures instead of two. "But I'm going to try and sweet talk my way out of it. This hospital gown sucks."

Iruka gave an unsure chuckle. "Maa, you know they only want what's best for you and your health, Genma-san."

"Trust me, Iruka-sensei. I think I know just what is good for my own health right now." Genma sighed.

Kakashi forced himself to remain completely still and not stick his rather painful foot from underneath the blanket and kick at Genma's knee.

"This is going to get us nowhere. And you look very tired yourself, Iruka-sensei." Raidou said, chair scraping against the floor as he shifted. "Let's start, shall we?"

"Yes. Of course." Iruka answered. Kakashi listened to a zipper being opened, followed by the rustling of papers and a click of a pen. "Uhm, Genma-san, would you please dictate to me what the doctors said?"

Genma cleared his throat and started speaking. "I received two blows to the shoulder from a jutsu, resulting in two fractures in my arm. Concussion, six stitches to the temple, twelve stitches on the right thigh, loss of one tooth, internal bleeding and my other hand is numb from the poison. I'm getting some feeling to it now because of the antidote but otherwise I can't move it much. Doctor said that it should be fine in twenty-four hours." Genma rattled like an answering machine as Iruka scribbled down what he just said, pen making light scraping noises against the notebook that Kakashi knew Iruka carried around for situations like their current one. "Raidou got hit by poisoned needles. Other than that, he received four stitches on the forearm, sprain on the right wrist, internal bleeding which is more concentrated on the left side of his torso and a concussion. Doctors said that the poison is mild and that his memory loss is probably due to the fact that he hit his head against a rock during the fight. It was a rock, right Raidou?"

"I don't remember." Raidou said, and Kakashi knew that the little sigh in the end of Raidou's sentence was a tired one; one that said, 'I can't believe I'm doing this shit'.

"See?" Genma mumbled, huffing.

Iruka cleared his throat. "It's all right, Genma-san. At least he didn't end up in a coma. That's a blessing."

"Yeah. Blessing, indeed." Genma mumbled and Kakashi knew that the sucker rolled his eyes at that.

The sound of pen scraping against paper stopped after a few minutes. "What about Kakashi-san?" Iruka said quietly and for a moment, Kakashi thought he heard a tinge of sadness in his voice.

"Ah him." Genma said, sighing again. It was an exasperated one this time. "He jumped in front of Raidou and me and got a full blow of a wind jutsu. He got hit by two kunais on the side, concussion and uh, mild poisoning."

"I see." Iruka mumbled, tone low and worried.

"He's unconscious because of the poison. But I think it's because he rattled a few screws up in his head when he hit it against something during the fight. The poison helped too. That is, making him unconscious I mean." Genma hissed.

"Did he receive a blood transfusion?" Iruka asked, pen scraping against paper once more.

"Did he?" Raidou asked.

"No. Why?" Genma asked.

The pen stopped moving and Kakashi could feel Iruka's eyes on him. "Well, he just looks so pale. The doctors didn't say anything else?"

There was a long moment of what Kakashi knew was dawning silence on both the Jounins. "Uh, no. But they said he should be fine?" Genma answered.

Kakashi could still feel Iruka's eyes on him. "This worries me somehow." Iruka mumbled quietly. "I wish he'd open his eyes." He cleared his throat. "Well, eye."

If he were a lesser man, Kakashi would have blushed at Iruka's words and sincerity. It was so touching and so honest that he could almost hear Raidou and Genma's jaws hit the ground in disbelief that his scheme is actually working. "You know what this reminds me of?" Raidou piped up quickly, wanting the show over and done with so he can leave.

"What does it remind you of?" Genma asked.

Kakashi was going to have to beat the word subtle in to Genma's head once he was out of the hospital.

"This reminds me of a fairytale!" Raidou exclaimed, voice sounding a little too chipper for Kakashi's comfort.

"Oh really? Why a fairytale?" Genma asked.

"Because look at him. Kakashi is lying there, like that uh, woman who was sleeping. Didn't she wake up from a kiss?" Raidou rambled on.

"Oh, I don't know. Wasn't it true love's kiss?" Genma sighed.

Iruka was starting to write again, the sound of pen on paper sounding a bit too frantic and nervous.

"Maybe. It's so ironic. But I don't think that Kakashi has anyone special to give him anything for that matter. A kiss, a hug or even a good morning when he wakes up. The poor man." Raidou sighed dramatically and Kakashi knew that with that very sigh, all his efforts have gone to waste.

Iruka wasn't going to buy it and he won't get an opportunity like this again. Maybe next time, if he threw himself in front of jutsu again, said jutsu would finish him off and he won't get away with just a few 'scrapes'. He was never going to feel Iruka's kiss, or his body underneath him writhing and begging. Hell, he won't even know what it feels like to be taken by Iruka anymore. Not that he really wanted to be taken by Iruka, it was more like he wanted to claim the man his and pound in to him the valor of a warrior passionate about his ... well, his precious someone. But for Iruka to understand that he was serious, he was more than willing to spread his legs for him just once, as proof of his love and honesty that he's even willing to go vulnerable and open to someone like Iruka.

Besides, according to his sources and heavy research, Iruka slept with men before and seemed to prefer being bottom anyway.

But that wasn't the point.

The point is he wanted to beat up two of his so called friends for ruining his only chance. It looks like the marital status in his records was going to remain the same till he dropped dead one day.

"Oh god, Raidou, I don't feel too good. I wanna barf!" Genma said quickly, faking a groan and moaning in pain.

"Genma-san! Are you all right?" Iruka dropped his notebook and got up quickly to get to Genma's side. "Are you in pain? Should I go get the doctor?"

"No, no, it's okay. I just need the bathroom." Genma pleaded. "Raidou, take me to the bathroom, please."

Raidou was already dragging Genma away. "But Raidou-san, you're -"

"It's okay, Iruka-sensei. I'll take care of him. Just finish your report and you can leave if you want to. I'll drop Genma to his room. I'm so sorry about all this." Raidou said, sounding way too apologetic that it sounded suspicious.

"A-Alright." Iruka said, unsure as the duo left the room and door shut with a click.

Kakashi stretched out his senses even more as deathly silence fell upon the room. Iruka moved a minute later, picking up his notebook and started writing again. Long minutes ticked passed and finally, there was a sound of the notebook snapping shut and a zipper closing. Kakashi felt Iruka move around the room, making as little noise as he can while he arranged the chairs and came to sit by Kakashi's bedside. He felt the covers around him shift, tucking him deeper in to its comforts, warm hands hovering and radiating heat over his shoulders as the blanket was rearranged.

"What did you get yourself in to again? Recklessly acting without thinking about yourself some more." Iruka sighed. Kakashi felt a hand hover over his forehead, unsure and hesitating before he felt Iruka's palm lightly rest on his forehead, brushing back some of his hair. "You know, if you wanted me to come here, you could have just told Raidou to tell me that you wanted to see me."

Kakashi's heartbeat almost stopped. Did Iruka see through his plan? Did he know that he was awake? It was all those two's fault. Kakashi vowed to kill them both once he was out. He wasn't going to beat them up; he was going to kill them with his Mangekyou.

The oxygen mask being lifted off his head slowly nearly startled him but years of practice kept him dead still as Iruka brushed his warm fingers against his pale cheek. "Where did Sleeping Beauty get her kiss? Was it the cheek?" Iruka asked. Kakashi wanted to scream 'lips!' but nearly died when he felt Iruka's breath against his cheek. "Or was it the lips?"

Kakashi's head was screaming, 'It was the lips! The prince kissed her lips! Kiss my goddamn lips!' as Iruka's fingers rubbed the slight stubble on his chin before soft and sweet tasting lips pressed gently on his own. It took every ounce of will power to not kiss back and remain very still. When Iruka pulled back and his hand started rubbing his shoulder, Kakashi chose that moment to 'wake up' and gaze confusedly at the smiling and somewhat worried looking academy teacher sitting on his bedside.

"Iruka-sensei?" He asked, voice choked and raspy. He really was good at acting.

Iruka chuckled. "Morning, fake sleeping beauty."

Kakashi blinked. "Fake?" He was lost and when Iruka started to laugh, head thrown back and the mirth shaking every bone in his body, Kakashi frowned. "How did you know?"

"Raidou-san told me." Iruka rubbed at the tears of mirth from his eyes. "I knew you were silly, but this just takes the cake."

Kakashi frowned. "I'm going to really, really kill them. But before that, when I go missing for murdering my own comrades, please know that in my heart I've always loved you."

Iruka started laughing again. "I wouldn't worry about that seeing as there won't be a need to kill them you know?"

Kakashi blinked. "Oh?"

Iruka nodded and leaned over the bed again and kissed Kakashi once more, hands snaking down under the blanket and parting open the hospital yukata to caress Kakashi's slightly twitching manhood. "Because I want you to get better and come find me. I'm sure you'd want to do me even more once I, hmmm, how do I say it?" Iruka's fingers reached down passed Kakashi's balls and started pushing at his entrance with an index finger, causing Kakashi's breath to hitch as the thin digit was slowly pushed inside and started wiggling around. "I think, 'when I'm done with you' would be appropriate. Don't you agree?"

Kakashi sighed with a long breath of pleasure when Iruka brushed something inside of him. He looked up at Iruka, grinned and pulled him close. "You're mine."

Iruka's sincere smile was all the answer he needed.

FIN

And so, Iruka proceeded to fuck Kakashi with his fingers while giving him a blowjob while Genma and Raidou patted themselves on the back for not listening to any of Kakashi's plan and instead worked on their own.

When Kakashi was discharged, Iruka willingly invited him to his home and use one of the walls in the kitchen as support as he got banged by Kakashi.

And there, I've officially ruined this ficlet beyond repair (whistles)

Thus that is what happens when I force myself to write.

Utter bullshit is born.

Written for the KakaIru Community for LJ where the theme is ... uh uke!kakashi. I tried.

I really wanted to make something for Kakashi's birthday and writing him as an Uke was tough. For the life of me, I just can't see Kakashi bending for Iruka. I'm purely an uke!Iruka fan, hands down.

Haaaaaaaaaa. I am dodging tomatoes! You can't hit me!