Hey, the purely insane Lex got Brawl! And I just can't get over Olimar being in it so here I go with another fic. What if Olimar was the Smash mansion's detective? Well something like this. Of course I know Olimar isn't as he is in this fic, but it's just for fun. He's still himself, just abit younger y'know?
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone in this fic.
So start the fic already because I got to get to brawl so yeah… ROLL IT!
It was another day in the smash mansion; a brawl was taking place in Shadow Mosses Island, between four very tough opponents. Well, at least three since one was Wario but anyways the others were Sonic, Lucario, and Pikachu. It was a Stock match, with all of them tied up at one stock left.
Then, the smash ball appeared. Of course Sonic grabbed it first, transforming as all the others lunged for it. All of a sudden the lights shut off; a loud painful scream was heard as Sonic's light was stopped. The lights flickered on again, and the three smashers were against the walls, but Sonic was out cold on the floor, and his chaos emeralds had disappeared…
Case one, The Chaos Emerald Capper.
Olimar walked out of his room wearing a plaid shirt instead of his space uniform, and a plaid hat replaced his helmet. To finish the Sherlock Homeless look a small soap bubble pipe was in his mouth, which he blew into a few times. "Are you gonna be a hobo for Halloween?" A rather fat purple pikmin asked, eating a small chicken leg. Olimar said nothing, other than coughing a lot and choking. He quickly ran inside his room and slammed the door.
-one minute later-
Olimar walked back out with his helmet back on, feeling much better but still wearing the outfit. "Sorry bout that, forgot about the deadly oxygen. So you think Im a hobo huh? Then you'll have to follow me all around taking notes. Got it?" Olimar said, blowing into the pipe and watching the bubbles stick onto the inside of his helmet and go back into the bubble soap storage tank.
"But I got a date with a Pop tart!" The purple pikmin (I'll name him buddy) said. "I see…" Olimar grabbed his whistle out of his pocket and blew into it, Buddy's eyes turned swirly "what do you wish master?" Buddy said in a monotone voice. "Just follow me and write notes" Olimar instructed, walking off to interagate his first suspect, Wario.
Buddy followed, his eyes back to normal and the leftover drumstick from yesterday was back in his blubbery hands. He entered the elevator at the end of the hall and pushed the MK button (the rooms aren't listed by number, just by series.) Olimar whistled Ai no Uta to himself while the elevator moved up. It stopped for a moment to let Bowser onto the elevator. The Koopa King couldn't help but notice Olimar whistling "Hey who sings that anyways?" Bowser asked, leaning against the wall of the elevator. " Some guy named Kumi Koda." Olimar replied. "Yeah let's hope you don't ruin it by adding your own soundtrack." Bowser laughed and got off the elevator one floor before Olimar did.
The brave captain and the chubby pikmin looked at the door labeled WaReo's Ruum. "Well, here we go." Olimar shrugged as he reached for the doorknob.
-WaReo's Ruum.-
Wario's room was one of the most disgusting rooms ever, banana peels littered the floor, a lampshade was stuck in green slime, Oil covered the walls, the light was several jars of toxic waste, boogers littered a poster of Mario on the wall, a dead Goldfish was splattered on the floor still wiggling, there were leaking pipes dripping brown lumps into a corner, and Wario's bed looked like a giant pit of regurgitated items he had eaten during brawls.
"Ewwwwww, I don't like this." Buddy frowned, shaking a dried up onion off his foot. "Yeah, good thing my helmet filters the air. This would kill me" Olimar pulled his helmet's antenna and a car air freshener popped out from one of his helmet's compartments. Wario himself suddenly came from the bathroom scratching himself with toilet paper on his back. "Wario Wario of the Mushroom Kingdom!" Olimar snapped, pointing at him with a gloved finger. "WAAAAH!" Wario jumped in surprise, hiding his head between his knees from being startled so fast.
"HAH! Oh my- did you see his face?! His mouth was wider than a Bulbax!" Olimar laughed so much his sides almost split. He had to resist before he broke his back again, Toon Link didn't let him heard the end of it when he (Almost) did a double backwards bounce to avoid the cartoon's final smash.
"What do you want loser? Im busy being awesome!" Wario did a small dance, pointed to the roof and farted. "That's just not right." Buddy gagged but Olimar held strong. "I need to give you a lie detector test. So come on." Olimar left the room, having trouble opening the door for a moment because of some sludge that was in the way with a sticky note on it with the words "my first-" written on it.
"And why should I do that?" Wario growled, stomping his short foot on the ground. "Because I know your weakness." Olimar grinned, pulling out a bottle of Ultra Disinfectant spray (Pikmin fans should get a kick out of that one). "WHOA! Hey, hang on there I don't want any trouble here just don't point that thing at me!" Wario reached for the sky and followed Olimar, walking down the hall letting pit stink wander into other smashers rooms.
-Mario's Room-
Mario's room was a nice and neat red colored room, a potted plant next to a TV with a Wii plugged in. The walls were evenly painted, the rooms had just the right balance. It was a great room, overall. "Hold on-a a moment Luigi. Nature's calling." Mario paused the Super Mario Strikers game for a minute to go to the bathroom.
"Take your time-a" Luigi said, lying back on the couch and humming to himself. Wario's pit stink snuck into the room, giving Luigi the shivers "Mama Mia, how much pasta DOES Mario eat-a?" Luigi covered his nose. Unknown to him, Mario was referring to the birds he was photographing for Peach's scrapbook. It was so convenient that the nest was on the tree next to Mario's bathroom window.
-Broom closet-
Olimar had set up a lie detector test that was kept in the broom closet. The Smash Bros Broom Closet was a subspace room holding almost everything imaginable, but was concealed as an ordinary broom closet. Why they had to hide it was something only Crazy Hand knew, and he had no intention of giving it up.
"So Wario, let's start easy. Is your real name Wario?" Olimar asked. " Yeah" Wario replied. The lie detector beeped angrily, revealing the first lie. "Uh, I mean my name is Mr. Cool." The lie detector went off again. Wario's eyes shifted as he looked at Buddy, back at Olimar, then buddy. Of course he didn't know that pikmin had no eyelids so he thought Buddy was staring him down suspiciously (seriously, I haven't seen a pikmin blink.)
"OKAY FINE! MY NAME'S NOT WARIO! IT'S CUDDLY WUDDLY SNIPPYBOTTOMS THE THIRD! I JUST CHANGED IT SO I WOULDN'T BE MOCKED! DON'T TELL ANYONE!" Wario screamed. BING! Olimar looked up from a newspaper titled Lucas Faints after jigglypuff fight. "Oh sorry, what did you say?" Olimar asked. "Nothing" Wario muttered. "Okay then, are you greedy?" Olimar said while Buddy scribbled something down.
"Hey, who ya calling greedy?! Im generous" BEEEEEEEEEEP! Another lie. "Right. So most importantly, did you take Sonic's emeralds?" Olimar asked. "No but I did take Link's master sword and used it as a back scratcher." BING! True, everyone give him a round of applause, that was his first truthful sentence that he didn't scream! "Okay, Wario you are free to go." Olimar said, leaving the closet.
"Well he's innocent, surprisingly. I thought he did it because he's money greedy. Anyways who's left?" Buddy checked his notepad, flipping past all his previous notes. "Lucario and Pikachu." Buddy Replied. Olimar pondered something, Lucario liked power right? Well no one knew because the guy was anti-social but Pikachu seemed like someone who would be last resort.
"Okay then, our next suspect is Lucario" Olimar said, blowing into his pipe as he headed back to the elevator. He was about to go in, but Ness ran out followed by Meta knight who was covered in frayed wire and paint. "Weird, frayed wired and paint…that paint looks like the Shadow Moses wallpaper." Olimar shrugged, entered the elevator and pressed the Poke button. He waited abit, since the poke floor was a longer distance away from the MK floor (btw the elevators move up, down, or sideways to save height.) The elevator stopped a moment and let Yoshi on.
Yoshi was currently eating Doritos and seemed very happy to be doing so. "Hey Yoshi, let me have some" Buddy said, sticking his hand out. "Yoshi" Yoshi said, holding his Doritos tighter. "What do you mean you can't share?" buddy asked peeved. "Yoshi Wah!" "Oh come on! Dr. Mario did NOT prescribe those to you!" "Yoshi!" "Oh, now with the fat jokes! I'm not fat, just horizontally challenged!"
"Yoooshi…" Yoshi said sarcastically, swallowing the Doritos bag and getting off at the EB floor. Buddy sighed; he crumpled up a piece of paper and ate it. Finally they reached the Poke floor. Olimar walked down to Lucario's Room and opened the door.
-Lucario's POW!
Olimar barely avoided a punch to the face from Lucario whose genius idea it was to have a punching bag in front of his door. "Write that down as assault of authority." Olimar instructed as buddy scribbled things down. Lucario's room might have been mistaken as the room for someone who only lived for fighting. The windows had targets on them, the bathroom had a swinging punching bag, the closet was filled with dented metal, and the bed was a flat rock with a smaller rock on it serving as a pillow.
"Leave me alone" Lucario thought, continuing his assault on the punch bag. "Sorry to disturb you, but I need a few questions answered. Olimar said, wondering how the punching bag survived all the hits. "Fine, ask then leave" Lucario thought, abandoning the punch bag and heading for a treadmill. "Okay then, what do you think about Sonic?" "He's fast, too cocky and another smasher" Lucario thought, not breaking a sweat. "So out of jealousy of speed, did you take his emeralds?" Olimar asked. Lucario nodded no and that look in his eye told him it was true, that is if a menacing glare was true.
"Okay then, thanks" Olimar said walking away when the door opened up suddenly and a koopa walked in with a glowing package "Here's the thing you wanted me to get from the stage but I don't know why you wanted it so secret." The koopa said. "Just put it over there by the wire cutters." Lucario thought as the koopa put it down. "Wire cutters…" Olimar muttered, pondering it before heading back to the elevator.
"So Pikachu did it?" Buddy nibbled his hand, thinking it was abit strange. "Well it seems so, but I don't like jumping to conclusions." Olimar said, heading to the elevator again, this time Zero Suit Samus was in before him. He pressed the PKMN floor and waited…and waited, and waited…. "…..Aren't you gonna ask why Im in the Zero suit or stare or somethin?" Samus asked. "Uhhh….no not really no." Olimar replied.
"Not even a glance?" "Nope" "huh……." "….." "You sure?" "Yes, quite." "Why?" "Partly cause Im married, partly because if you were at my home planet you'd be freakishly tall, partly because Im not really interested."
"So you think Im hideous?" "No not at all, you're an attractive athletic young woman, but Im just not looking at people like that much." "So your get up and go get em days are over then?" "Yes, they have been for a while." "Weird, Im used to so much attention." Soon enough the elevator was converted into a therapy room.
"It's just people don't really see me much without the power suit, and when they do its all eyes on me." Olimar blew into his pipe as buddy wrote things down. "Well I think you should simply tell whoever does that you're not comfortable when they're staring, thereby you get your feelings out with embarrassing yourself or seeming harsh. Take some time each day to practice saying it to be comfortable saying it in public." Olimar said professionally.
The elevator stopped and Samus got off, Olimar getting off three floors later. "I didn't know you were a therapist." Buddy said. "Im not, I was reading a fortune cookie" Olimar grinned and threw the slip of paper into a recycling bin. Buddy got to the door first and knocked. Pikachu opened the door, his head wrapped in a towel. "Pika?" the mouse asked. "Pikachu, we need to ask you some questions."
"Pika pi!" Pikachu whined and shut the door. "Looks like we'll have to do the good cop, bad cop thing huh? I'll go first." Olimar busted open the door and stomped up to Pikachu "YOU'RE THE ONE KNOWN AS PIKACHU, DID YOU TAKE SONIC'S EMERALDS?" Olimar growled. "Pika?" Pikachu asked tilting his head. "DON'T TOY WITH ME! ANSWER THE QUESTION!" "Pika pi chu…." Pikachu sighed and began the flashback.
Pika pi pikachu pika pika pi. Chu, Pika pi, pi, pikACHU! Pika pi, Chu pika pikachu. Pika kachu, pi pi pi. Pika-
"HOLD IT! THE SNACK MACHINE CAN'T SAY GAZUNTITE!" Olimar barked. "I'll be right back." Olimar left the room and entered shortly after. "Soda pop?" Olimar asked. "Pikachu" Pikachu shrugged. "Okay here you go." Olimar handed Pikachu the soda and sat down calmly. "Pikachu, I know you didn't do it. You and I aren't so different." Olimar said. "Pika?" Pikachu asked. "Yep. But do you know of anyone who might have stolen Sonic's emeralds?" Olimar asked. "Pika, pika pies Chu, pikachu pi kachu." Pikachu said. "Okay, thanks." Olimar said, walking out of the room.
"The good cop bad cop thing worked perfectly!" Olimar grinned. "I thought it was with two cops." Buddy said. "Poor little buddy, Im a lone worker. Except for you and about 9999998 other pikmin slaves." Olimar said briefly. "Huh?" "What?"
"So who did it then?" Buddy asked. "It could be anyone. Wario, Lucario, Pikachu, or that plant." Olimar said. "Olimar that's just a potted plant." Buddy said. "But remember I've had experiences with plants hiding. Watch." Olimar approached the potted plant slowly and slapped a leaf. Nothing. "Okay it is a potted plant but that only means that I'll have to see your notes." Olimar said. "Uh, no you don't." Buddy said, holding his notes tightly.
"C'mon hand them over or else it's the whistle." Olimar reached for his pocket. "Okay fine" Buddy hesitated and handed over the notes. "Okay let's see…. Buddy, these aren't notes. Their doodles!" Olimar was right; every page had detailed drawings of all the smashers they had encountered. There was a picture of Meta knight covered in wire and paint; there was a picture of Lucario and the strange koopa. There even was a detailed drawing of Zero Suit Samus with the words 'misunderstood' written on the side.
"Misunderstood? Wait a minute….THATS IT! Buddy, call everyone for a meeting in the grand hall! I have a criminal to catch." Olimar ran off leaving Buddy speechless.
-Grand hall-
Every smasher was seated, conversing about why they were called there. Master hand and buddy were on the stage along with Sonic who was sitting down tiredly. "Attention Smashers, we have received news from Captain Olimar that he has cracked the case of the chaos emerald capper even though we never put him on the case in the first place." Master hand said. Crazy hand cheered from the crowd, clapping his thumb and pinky together. "Uh yes, so anyways presenting Olimar." Master hand floated aside as Olimar ran onto the stage.
"Everyone! I know who has done the crimes committed at Shadow mosses Island yesterday. It was none other than DIDDY KONG! He switched off the lights!" Olimar said, pointing directly at the chimp. "Wha? But I didn't….I just…OH FINE! The jig is up, I switched the lights off for a prank but I didn't take the emeralds! Honest!" Diddy Kong screamed, emptying his pockets of only banana peels.
"Then who took them?" asked Zelda, there was commotion from the crowd. "Simple. The Chaos emerald capper is none other than him!" Olimar pointed at… a snack machine?
"Huh?" everyone said, confused by the captain's words. "Explain how a snack machine took the emeralds." Master Hand said. "Very well" Olimar said and the flashback began.
When I was interrogating Pikachu, I went to go get him a soda for the good cop routine. But when I got to the snack machine, I saw an extra button next to the change return. I didn't press it, but when Buddy showed me the picture he drew with Misunderstood, I knew I misunderstood the button and raced off to find out what it did.
"So here it is" Olimar said, jumping off the stage and pressing the button. Out of the slot popped out none other than…. Bowser Jr? "Hey what gives?!" Jr said angrily. "What gives is that you took the emeralds from Sonic out of greed that you weren't a playable character. And because they were shiny." Olimar said.
Jr nodded "Impressive Olimar, I guess you're not the clueless old man that I thought you were." Jr grinned. "Who's clueless? What old man. Who thought?" Said Professor Egadd from Luigi's mansion. "Wait a moment, what about Meta knight? He was covered in wires and paint." Buddy said.
"Ness played a trick on me, replacing spaghetti with exploding wires. When I ran out of the room, he had a bucket of paint on my door." Meta Knight said, glaring daggers at Ness. "But Lucario had wire cutters and the glowing package." Buddy added. "I was borrowing the cutters from Snake to cut the wires of those teenagers who are stealing my cable television. No longer shall I miss A Haunting." Lucario thought.
"But the package?" buddy said. "Uh, nothing important is in there." Lucario thought nervously for only the second time in his life. "I got the package" The koopa from earlier said, opening it and revealing a video camera with footage of Lucario feeding kittens at a shelter. The camera was left on, which was the strange glow it emitted.
"So that's it, I call this case closed! By the power vested in me by an insane author who's writing this, I sentence you Bowser Jr to a two minute spanking and talk from your father." Olimar said. "NOOOOOO! Im not going without a fight!" Jr said, balling up his fists.
"Then we'll settle this the old fashioned way huh?" Olimar said. The entire place faded black. The stage was being used as a battle in a Paper Mario TTYD kind of fight.
Koopa Prince Bowser Jr would like to battle.
Captain Olimar & Pikmin Buddy accept.
Olimar used Research. "Bowser Jr, hp 30 attack 4 defense 1. Bowser Jr is a semi-spoiled little koopaling from the Mario series. His magic brush is a force to be reckoned with, but his weakness is unknown. Beware, his Whining screech can break defense down into rubble."
Buddy used Eat. Buddy gained 5 hp from eating fries.
Bowser Jr used Paint, Buddy lost 4 hp!
Olimar used Whistle; Bowser Jr's defense was cut in half.
Buddy used Chef. Bowser Jr lost 3 hp, yet taste buds gained 5 TP.
Bowser Jr used fire breath. Captain Olimar lost 5 hp.
Olimar used Item Crowd. Crowd member: Crazy Hand.
Crazy Hand used seizer! 10 hp was taken from Jr, Olimar, and buddy!
Buddy Fainted.
Captain Olimar revived Buddy with Whistle.
Bowser Jr used Item Crowd. Crowd member: Tingle.
Tingle used dance, Olimar was confused at seeing a 40 year old man in a tight fairy costume dance.
Olimar's Sherlock Homeless costume prevented confusion.
Smash Ball item appeared.
Olimar used Ship. Smash ball breaks on Olimar.
Buddy used Oil grease. Bowser Jr was blinded.
Bowser Jr used fire breath, but it missed!
Olimar used End of Day. Bowser Jr lost 50 hp.
Olimar gained 40 exp
Buddy gained 20 exp.
Match over.
"Well that was weird" Buddy said as everything turned back to normal, Jr on the floor as a trophy. Olimar walked up and revived him. "Jr, you're a good fighter. I'll take off your punishment if you join me on the detective side of things." Olimar said, extending his hand.
"Is there free grape juice?" Jr asked. "Uh, yeah sure." "Then it's a deal."
And so the case of the chaos emerald capper was closed, Jr returned Sonic's emeralds in exchange for grape juice. It seemed like peace was restored until…
"Hey guys, where did Game and Watch go?" Diddy asked. Everyone shrugged; no one had seen Game and Watch. "Looks like another case" Olimar said, running off to find Game and Watch. Then, there was a bright light…
--
So where is Game and Watch, and is Jr gonna be a good partner? And will you stop staring at Zero Suit Samus already? Find out in the next chapter. Of Olimar Private eye: Case two, the kidnapping of Game and Watch.