He could feel him inside. There was a certain aching feeling that was deeply buried in his chest. He was missing him. Dean knew that Castiel wasn't coming back this time. So many things had been left unsaid. Stubbornness playing a huge factor in it. Dean didn't want to admit that he loved Cas. He was a heterosexual, through and through and confessing that you felt something for another man was hard and he had never been ready and now? Now it was too late. Cas was gone, dead, and there was no miracle cure that they could find and give to him, Cas had been disowned by heaven, his celestial family, his wings violently torn right out of his back and them, along with his body, burned to ash. Dean had seen it all, it was brutal, he had heard the screams of pain that left Cas' body, the way the crimson poured from the open wounds, cascading down his back, pooling at his knees that had been pressed against the floor. The agony in those stunning azure eyes that swelled with hot tears and streamed without reservation. Dean could see and hear how much Cas was hurting, it was beyond any kind of despair. Dean could only watch, forced to see what he had done. Cas had done it all for him, he had killed his brothers, turned his back on his family. It had been all for that one human so now Dean had the live with the guilt that he had killed Castiel, it was the only suitable punishment that would finally teach the wayward angel and human a lesson that they will never make the mistake of doing again.

Dean could feel Cas' grace inside of him, from the many times he had been healed by Cas and the angels aroma was on the trench coat that he gripped in his strong hands. Why did he have to be so damn pigheaded? Why did he take advantage of their friendship? Why the hell did he have to be such a stupid son of bitch for? Cas wasn't just some guy, he wasn't just some random dude. He was Castiel, the angel who pulled him out of hell, killed for him, defended him, healed him, risked his own existence for him. It had been so damn clear that Castiel had loved Dean a lot more then Dean had loved Cas and now that the hunter was realizing it, Castiel was deceased and he couldn't trade anything to get the angel back. He couldn't...he wouldn't even see Castiel ever again. Dean could only let his tears fall onto the tan trench coat, soaking it with his melancholy and pure heartbreak. This was what losing someone you loved unconditionally felt like, he would rather go to hell all over again then feel this

He could feel his shoulder being gripped in comfort but it only made Dean feel like he was dying. Cas' hand used to feel that way, it used to feel strong and protective like as long as he was around nothing could lay a finger on the hunter and if it did, the angel would be the one to kill it. Castiel as not just his best friend, he was so much more but, as things went, it was too late do anything about it

"I miss him so goddamn much Sammy. You should have seen the pain in his eyes, he was screaming to holy hell. He cried for me, telling ME, HE was sorry as those sons-a-bitches killed him"

The anger and sadness resonated deep in his throat. There was honestly nothing anyone could say that would make him feel any better. There was no one that would bring him back, no one that would stitch the angel back together, this was really goodbye. Dean needed something, he needed a funeral, anything so he could say goodbye to his fallen angel, it had only been two days and Dean was just distraught, coping in the worst way. He had to have some kind of closure. Both of them did. Castiel was their family and you didn't leave family, no matter what.

"I'll miss him too. You know its not your fault Dean. Cas made the choices himself and he didn't regret them"

"Sammy, not that I don't appreciate the pep talk and trying to convince me that this not my doing, you had no idea what Cas thought or felt. He was my goddamn angel so cram it with the bullshit " its not your fault" speech"

Dean knew his younger brother wasn't going to take it to heart. Dean was broken and he was hurting beyond anything he felt before. It was a pain that was unbearable, he wasn't going to be able to stop from yelling and taking it out on Sam, he didn't mean to, but he was just so wholly lost he needed to find a way to change it all, even though there was nothing.

"We should be doing something for him, he was our family. We need to say goodbye to Cas!"

The pain was uncanny to anything that he had felt before, it was excruciating and thought disabling. He could only grip hold of the trench coat and lean against Sam for some kind of support hoping that someday it would stop hurting. But right now it was if it was hell, being a demon, the mark of Cain all at the same time. It felt as if it would never end.

Standing outside the bunker. Dean's jade eyes still drenched with tears looked down at the handmade cross they'd put together with a cut 2x4 and some rope Dean had in the trunk of the sleek jet black Impala. Even baby smelled of Cas, he imagined that if baby were real, she would have loved Castiel. The car always felt so much warmer when he was in it.

"Do you want to go first?"

Sam's voice was too filled with the anguish of loosing someone close but also sympathy. He knew all too well what it was like to lose someone you were in love with. Dean shook his head, he needed to gain some kind of composure first. Even seeing Castiel Winchester written on the horizontal piece of wood in Dean's not so perfect handwriting was soul destroying.

"Cas. I really don't know what to say to you. I always have some idea where to go with these things but this is you. I always thought if anything the roles would be reversed. I never thought I would be saying goodbye to you too. I'm really going to miss you Castiel. It's like saying goodbye to a brother, it hurts man"

"Dean nodded his head, watching as Sam wiped away his own tears with the palms of his hands. Saying it hurt was an understatement. There was nothing more sorrowful then this moment. The despair was thick and shrouded Dean in such torment. Cas dying was his fault and Cas dying without knowing the feelings Dean tried so hard to hide?..he deserved this distress.

He gripped the trench coat again. It should have been how he held Castiel. Like he was the only one he ever deeply, truly loved, categorically, completely. How many times had they traded glances that lasted minutes? How many times had they physically fought, one the verge of killing each other and then memories of their joy and time together would flood back, how many times did they hug, not just in a friendly manner but /really/ hugged. How many damn times had they saved one another? Dean had never been so close to another being, not even Sam, they had a tight brotherly bond but nothing compared to what Dean shared with Cas. Cas was the exception, he was the "one" the one that Dean believed he could never have and it was right there for eight years and in just a moment it had slipped through his fingers. He didn't deserve Cas, and this was how it all came to an end.

"Castiel. If you can hear me you need to come back ok, man? We aren't ready to say goodbye yet, not to you. I need you Cas. More then I have ever needed anything. I'm desperate. You are family buddy, hell, you're more then family. You're my best friend. I love you Cas, more then I have loved anyone. I'm not talking about some chick flick friendship. I know I should have told you and now I am never going to see you again and if I ever get my hands on that son of a bitch I will find a way to kill him!"

The elder Winchester had to stop himself as his anger hit. If he didn't calm down then he was really going to end up killing something, or someone. This was clearly too much for Dean to handle in this moment. He crouched down touching the mounded dirt, beneath it was no body, just a few of things that reminded him of the angel. Some honey ,a copy of the pizza man and babysitter porn, his toothbrush, a burger and a single black feather Dean had kept. His fingers caressing the stirred up ground. His tears falling into dome like shape

"I'm sorry Cas, I know that means shit. But I am"

Dean stood pulling on the trench coat, he wasn't leaving it. It was all he had left and the only way he was giving it up was if someone pried it from his cold dead hands and there was a snowballs chance that was going to happen.

"-one year later-

"I swear Sammy, if this is some kind of joke, I will kick your ass like you won't even know"

Dean spoke with his mouth full of blueberry pie as he listened to his brother talking about a potential case that involved people finding feathers and obtaining healing like abilities. Of course Dean had automatically thought it was angels. Since Cas' death they hadn't even seen or heard from any angel, God or other celestial.

"It seems pretty legit. The only thing that seems a little weird is the feathers aren't really what you would called standard"

Dean furrowed his brows in confusion. What the hell was his brother talking about?

"What like a parrot or a peacock or something?"

"Well...more like a phoenix actually"

He practically choked on his food hearing that word. There was no way he was falling for that one. Like he was going to believe that a phoenix was really dropping feathers for people to pick up. He couldn't believe it because if it were possible for a bird to reincarnate from ashes then it seemed only right that Castiel should be able too. Only he wasn't a bird he was human before he was killed, they stripped him of his celestial being and he was human as he was executed, no damn human in the history of the universe had risen from ashes after they were cremated.

Dean turned the computer around, briefly going through the several articles, taking in the images of the fiery red, orange and yellow feathers. It had to be some kind of other bird but he just couldn't figure out how it was even possible it could be anything else.

"So what are you getting at here Sammy? we capture the damned thing and question it hoping it will pull some Tweety Bird, Big Bird crap for us and tell us how to get Cas back?"

He watched his brother give him /that/ look, that look that told him that he was trying and Dean wasn't being very helpful. The elder Winchester gave a quick roll of his eyes, succumbing to the pressure of that puppy dog pout.

"Look all I am saying is what do you really expect from us finding the bird?"

"I don't know Dean, you have been pretending your getting better but still you won't eat a burger, you won't take off his trench coat, you carry his ashes with you. You still miss him and you're still hurting. We need to get Cas back because if we don't you are going to end up being one of those crazy people with prescriptions for wall paper and eating newspaper"

It was an almost funny image if he hadn't actually considered it could possibly happen. He was still missing Cas and it still hurt like a heart attack. Sam was right, Dean had only taken the trench coat off when he showered, he wore it all the time even when he slept. Some of the angels ashes were inside a small vile that he wore around his neck, against the necklace that Sam had given him. He hadn't eaten a burger or had sex, anytime he felt the desire to masturbate he had images of his angel as he was beating off. He had ignored it in the past, indulged in fucking women without further attachment. Drowning out the thoughts of wanting to be intimate with his angel. But now he pictured those azure eyes, those perfect lips, those dense black feathered wings. He was so damn beautiful. That was of course information that he wasn't willing to share.

"You think that if we find this phoenix that it will be able to bring him back?"

"It's worth a shot, we really don't gave anything to lose"

"Well.."

Dean started, wiping his mouth of the left over food with a paper napkin. He stood up looking at Sam with an eagerness he hadn't felt in a while. He knew this was probably not going to go anywhere but it was a rope, even though it was short, it was still something to grab at.

"Let's go catch us a bird"