Lily Evans had always regarded herself as a good person. She did extremely well at school – her O.W.L's that were looming ever closer did not seem to worry her at all – she had good friends and was a pleasure to know. But things had started to change at the end of her fourth year. That was when she discovered how good someone else could make her feel, and it just so happened that that person was her best friend, Severus.
They had been friends since the age of 9 when Lily discovered she was a witch and had been close ever since. She had always suspected that Severus had harboured feelings for her, however deep she didn't know, and was ashamed to admit she took advantage of that. She had, at first, ignored his advances and when her friends questioned her about his intentions, she brushed them off. They were just friends, she had said and for a time she believed it herself.
She tried her hardest to blame it on James Potter because really, he had driven her into the arms of Severus. But try as she might, she knew deep down it was her fault for taking advantage of her best friend and knew it would haunt her for years.
It started a week before they were due to finish for the year. It had been a lazy day and she had found their classes that day to be boring, tuning out for the most part. She knew what to expect in the exams anyway, and felt confident in her abilities therefore did not feel guilty for not paying attention. Severus sat in front of her in DADA, their last class of the day, and she rested her head on her hands, staring at his hair as her mind travelled elsewhere. When their professor stepped out of the classroom for a moment, and there was the sound of talk amongst the class, she still did not snap out and sat staring, her thoughts on other things.
It was the ball of paper hitting Severus on the head that snapped her out of her reverie and she whirled around in her seat to see James and Sirius sniggering from the back of the classroom. She shot them a dirty look and turned around to see Severus glaring at them too.
"Ignore them, Sev." She said and he looked at her, anger in his eyes though it softened slightly when his eyes found hers.
"Yeah, Sev, ignore us." Sirius called from the back and Severus stood up, anger emanating from him. The rest of the class went silent as he stood and Lily reached out, her arm on his. He looked down at it and shook it off, his eyes back on the two boys that had tormented him for so long.
"What are you going to do, Sevvy?" James called and Lily turned to watch as Severus walked to the back and stood in front of their desks, his wand in his hand. The two boys pulled theirs out as well, their faces dark. "You going to curse us?"
"I wouldn't if I were you -your girlfriend over there might not like it." Sirius said and Lily felt her face grow red as James laughed.
"Lily isn't his girlfriend – like he could pull someone like that!" He said and Lily stood up, now angry herself.
"Why don't you two just shut the hell up?" She said vehemently and James looked at her, a smile on his face.
"Hey, Evans. Calm down – I was just telling the truth." James replied, his hair a mess on top of his head. Lily looked at it and resisted the urge to run her fingers through it, not entirely sure where that urge had come from and shot him a glare.
"And what would you know about truth, Potter?" She said, walking forward and taking Severus' hand. It was sweaty in hers but she ignored this along with the surprised look on his face and looked at James and Sirius, a defiant look on her own face.
"Wh – how – I – " James sputtered and Lily laughed coldly, a sound that felt foreign coming from her.
"Exactly. Why don't you grow up?" She spat and turned around, bringing Severus with her as they walked back towards their own desks. The entire class was watching and Lily was sure she saw a smile on Severus' face.
"I didn't expect that from you, Evans. A girl like you – Merlin knows what you're doing with that slime haired git." James voice called from behind them and in a second Severus had wrenched his hand from hers, moving swiftly to the back where he attempted to curse James. Potter had obviously been expecting it and deflected it without a seconds hesitation and it was that moment the professor decided to come back in.
James, Sirius and Severus had all received detentions and Lily had pleaded with the professor to let Severus off, explaining the situation. He didn't let up however, and the night of Severus' detention she waited in the corridor outside the dungeons where he was presumably completing some sort of disgusting task. As the door finally opened and Severus came out, a look of anger that soon turned to shock on his face as Lily met him, hugging him tightly. She felt him hold on a little too long as she pulled away and it was then she really started to realise how deep his feelings were for her.
"How was it?" She asked as they set off down the corridor.
"It was detention, what do you think?" He said roughly and she glanced at him. He took a deep breath and stopped walking, facing her with a brave look on his face. "Why did you hold my hand?"
"Why? To show that James what an idiot he is. And it worked, didn't it? Didn't you see him?" She said, smiling as she remembered the stupid look on Potter's face.
"I saw him, yeah." He said quietly and Lily raised an eyebrow at him. "I thought maybe you actually – I thought – "
"Oh." Lily said softly, realising what he was asking and she took a step closer to him. "Sev, I'm sorry. I was just trying to prove a point to that prat."
"Of course you were. I should have known. Sorry." He said shortly and tried to walk off down the corridor again however Lily grabbed his hand, holding it tightly in his. He looked up at her, a question in his eyes and she did what she never could have imagined herself doing. She stood up on her toes, her head moving closer to his and closed the gap between them. As their lips met, Lily felt nothing and it saddened her slightly. While her lips tingled at the kiss, and she felt other feelings stirring inside that she often felt when looking at James, there was no emotion towards her best friend. Severus stood shocked for a moment before kissing her back, though his arms hung limply at his sides. She pulled away, her expression giving away nothing. They set off down the corridor again and she kept hold of his hand, though she wasn't sure why.
They hadn't mentioned that for the rest of the school year and it wasn't until Severus' 15th birthday that it happened again. He did not have a party and Lily was sure he didn't want one, but they arranged to meet in the park not far from their separate homes and Lily had written him a card.
"Happy birthday," She had smiled upon meeting him and hugged him quickly, a blush forming on her cheeks as she remembered the kiss. The same blush covered his cheeks as he accepted the card. "Now you're the same age as me!"
"Thanks, Lily." He had replied and they moved over to the swings, sitting on them in silence until he looked over at her, a strange look on his face. "I was remembering that kiss today."
"Oh. Were you?" She replied quietly, staring straight ahead.
"It was really nice." He said, his new age seemingly bringing with it confidence. "I think – only you know, if you want to – but, seeing as it's my birthday – maybe – "
Lily stood up, not letting him finish his sentence and took the few steps to where he sat on his swing. She lowered her head and kissed him, not as softly as she had last time and now his hands moved, finding her hair and she put her arms around him, guiding him as he stood up, their lips never parting. She ignored the fact that it was daylight and Petunia could have easily rounded the corner and seen them – they were in the middle of a park, after all – and she broke away, slightly breathless and worried at the look in his eyes.
"We're not boyfriend and girlfriend, Sev." Lily said, perhaps too harshly. Anger flickered across his face before being replaced by something different that she couldn't quite place.
"Then what are we?" He asked, his hands still around her.
"Friends." She stated and he kissed her again. She enjoyed the feelings it gave her inside and when his hands started running up and down her back, she shivered slightly.
By the time they returned to Hogwarts for their fifth year, they had been meeting up almost twice a week for their 'snogging sessions' and Lily, on more than one occasion, had found herself not minding if they went further. She knew she was using him, she knew how much he cared for her and knew that she didn't return his feelings but she couldn't stop what she was doing. The feelings that arose inside of her when he touched her excited her in ways she didn't know existed and she was selfish enough to know she wasn't going to give it up.
It was not long after the Christmas holidays when it got really serious. Severus and Lily hadn't been meeting up as often due to school work and the massive load of homework they had been given to help prepare for their O.W.L's but Lily sent a note, asking to meet him that night and did he know anywhere they could go. He had sent one back saying that he did indeed know somewhere and to meet him on the seventh floor.
She had hurried there, desperate for his touch in ways she didn't understand properly and when she found him, she surprised him by kissing him, attempting to put everything unsaid into her kiss. He stood back, alarmed before taking her hand and leading her along the hallway. They stopped in front of a tapestry with pictures of trolls and she watched as he closed his eyes. She was about to ask what he was doing when a door appeared and he opened his eyes, a wicked grin on his face. They entered and Lily was shocked to find they had walked into a bedroom decorated with the deepest reds and greens. Severus turned to her, the question in his eyes and she answered it by taking his hand and tugging him over to the bed, her eyes looking him up and down hungrily. He kissed her softly and she pushed herself into him, her tongue finding his and sending electric shocks up and down her body. She sat down on the bed as he crawled on top of her, breaking apart from the kiss and looking down at her, as if unsure of what to do.
She removed her top, letting him stare at her chest before taking off his own top and his pale skin was no surprise to her. She kissed his chest softy and heard him moan, ever so softly. Looking up into his eyes she saw love and it stumped her for a second. He pushed her further down on to the bed so that she was lying down and began placing kisses along her collarbone and further down onto her breasts and she forgot everything she had been thinking about.
"When did you learn how to do that?" She gasped as he removed her bra and sucked her nipple softly. He grinned up at her, the expression looking odd on the face of a boy who didn't usually smile.
"Why? Are you complaining?" He asked her, taking her other nipple in his mouth and she heard a whimper escape from her lips. She had never before known pleasure like this and it scared her slightly that it was her best friend causing these sounds. He moved further down her stomach and as he reached the tip of her skirt he paused as it waiting for permission. She brought her own hand down, not to remove her skirt but to pull it up and she was rewarded with his hands moving her briefs aside and her head flew back onto the bed as he brushed her lips slightly.
Lily wondered briefly if she should be doing something for him but as he entered her with two fingers, all thoughts went out the window and she moaned loudly, a blush forming on her cheeks. She put one hand over her mouth to stifle the sound as Severus started thrusting in and out. She couldn't believe how good it felt and the guilt of not feeling anything for him only made it feel better. He removed his fingers and she moaned slightly at the void. Glancing up, she saw him removed his trousers and butterflies formed in her stomach.
The reality of what was about to happen hit her like a ton of bricks and Severus must have seen it on her face because he stood there, naked and embarrassed, and she had to force herself to smile. He took this as permission and crawled on top of her, his scrawny body not weighing anything as he fumbled around. The moment he entered her, she cried out in a mixture of pain and pleasure. He froze, his eyes wide and full of alarm.
"Are you okay?" He asked desperately, starting to pull out but she stopped him.
"I'm fine. Just – be careful." She said and he nodded, slowly moving forward. Lily cringed slightly though the pain was leaving to make way for pleasure and she sighed, letting herself be taken away. It didn't take long before he seemed to be close to climax and she watched as he jerked slightly before looking at her, his eyes apologising. She kissed him softly and he rolled off of her and for a moment they lay naked, side by side, without a word said between them. Severus sat up and pulled the blanket over them, not moving any closer and Lily heard him sigh deeply.
It was now that the guilt set in properly and she couldn't quite believe she had lost her virginity to Severus Snape. He was her best friend and she cared for him, yes, but there was no physical attraction there. The fact that she had gone through with it made her feel sick and she turned on her side, changing her breathing to make it sound like she had fallen asleep. She closed her eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling and bit her hand to stop herself from making a sound.
"I love you, Lily." It was barely a whisper but Lily felt her whole body tense as he said it. He wasn't expecting a reply; he thought she was asleep and she was grateful for that. She had known, deep down, what he felt for her and known that she didn't feel the same. She heard his breathing slow down and knew he was a sleep. As quietly as she could manage, she stood up, wishing there was somewhere private where she could dress. No sooner had the wish formed in her mind had a doorway appeared on the wall next to her and she crept through, finding a small room with a chair. She quickly dressed, the shame and regret filling her and the tears forming once more in her eyes before creeping back out to where Severus slept. She took one look at him before leaving through the door.
She swore to herself then that it would never happen again and she knew she would stick to this. The guilt she felt was horrible and not something she wanted to relive. She crept along the hallways, sure she was going to bump into a professor but somehow managed to make it to her common room without meeting anyone. She whispered the password, her face streaked with tears and she climbed inside. She groaned inwardly when she spotted James sat in front of the fire place alone. He turned to see who was behind him.
"Evans?" He said, squinting at her and she kept walking. "Where have you been?"
"I don't believe that's anything to do with you, Potter." She said, pausing at the bottom of the staircase.
"I was waiting for you, actually. I have something to tell you." He said, standing up and walking over to her. "I – don't get mad at me for this but – well, I found something out about Snape."
"I don't believe anything you have to say." Lily stated and took the first step.
"He's getting involved with bad people, Lily." James said to her back and she froze, torn between staying to hear what he had to say and leaving. "Do you know Macnair? Dolohov? He's meddling with dark magic."
"Why would you bother to tell me this?" She said, turning around to face him and he shrugged, moving towards the stairs up to the boys dormitories.
"I just thought you should know."
He disappeared and Lily moved up her own stairs, creeping into her dormitory and falling into bed, not bothering to change into her pyjamas. She wept silently, for the type of person she now was, the guilt she felt and the lie she knew she was going to tell. She would not see Severus anymore but he would now know it was because she had made a mistake. James Potter had provided her with the perfect excuse.
Okay, so I wrote this for someone on tumblr (once again) and it's not what I usually write so forgive me if it's rubbish. I don't really like Snape/Lily so I couldn't help but write it like this...I like the idea of James/Lily too much. I hope you enjoy it anyway and let me know if you do! :)