I can feel his body heat against mine, along with the blanket over us. I am so hot. I can hear him breathing in my ear, his warm breath down my neck. Panting, slowing down, normal.
"I love you more than anything," he whispers. I stroke my fingers through his hair.
"I know you do."
"... Do you love me back?"
"... I'm not sure yet."
That got him. He unsticks himself from my body, and lies down next to me. He's lying on his right side, I turn over and lay on my right side. Does it always end like this?
"Forgive me, but I must ask, are you using me?" He asks.
If only he knew that I wasn't so easy to love people. I think I love him, it's on the tip of my lips, but it won't come out. I get so close, but at the last moment it doesn't feel right.
I turn around and face him, careful not to meet his eyes. I look at his right hand, grab it with my right, inter-lace our fingers, and squeez. He doesn't squeez back.
"No. No I'm not using you. You mean so much more to me--"
"Then why am I the only loving partner in this 'relationship'?"
Dare I look into his eyes?
"I hold you so close to my heart," he whispers. "I want you to be happy more than anything. Am I wrong thinking you're happiest with me?"
Looking into his eyes, I see he's telling the truth.
"No, you're actually correct... I am happiest with you, but..."
He squeezes my hand. He won't cry. That's not him. For emotional or physical pain, he won't cry.
"But what?"
"But..."
He pulls me into his strong arms, our naked bodies pressed together, directly in front of each others eyes.
Whispering again, he asks: "Is there someone else?"
My heart stops. Not from the fear of him finding out I have someone else, if that someone else existed, but because he could think that I would actually cheat on him. Logically, I guess he can conclude that, but that's not fair! I'd never dare look at another man in that way when I'm in love with this amazing man!
... Love?
Did I say that?
Do I love this man in front of my face?
Do I love Kakashi Hatake?
Do I actually love him back?
No, I can't. I can't let this happen again.
... But this isn't the same. This is differernt... Right?
Tears roll vertically down my face from the postition I'm in. He takes my face in his hands, with his thumbs wipes them away, and pulls our faces together, foreheads touching.
"How dare you say that," I throw out between sobs. "How dare you think I'd see another man." I weakly beat my fist against his chest, then bring my hand to his face, and start tracing his surgical scar. I start at the top, just above his right eyebrow, run my index finger vertically down, he shuts his eyes once I get there, all the way down to the middle of his cheek. He grabs my right hand with his left, and rubs the back of my fingers against his cheek.
Yes, I love this man. I love this man with all of my being. I don't care about getting "hurt" again. I'm not that weak. One relationship doesn't mean anything.
Kakashi gives my fingers one last soft kiss, and lets them drop between the two of us. I shut my eyes.
"... Kakashi?"
"Yes, love."
Why does he insist on calling me that, on saying he loves me, when I have never once returned it?
"Why do you always say you love me, when I have never said it to you?"
He lifts his arm and runs the tips of his fingers down my arm. I shivered and felt the goosebumps. I know he did too through his smile.
"Even if you never love me, I will always love you." He closes his eyes, and smiles a slight smile. "I have something to give you." He reaches behind himself and brings back a small, wrapped, cube. It was pink with a white ribbon and about five inches in demensions. "I know how much you adore your music..."
I sit up, blanket wrapped around my chest, and slowly pull the bow apart. Kakashi then sits up and moves behind me, looking over my right sholder. I could feel the heat from his chest against my back. I lean back against the safety that was in a human male named Kakashi Hatake. He kisses my right temple.
I lift the top of the pink cube, and find another cube. Only difference was that this one was metal and weighed about five pounds, and had one small metal lever on one of the sides.
"W... What is it?" I asked puzzledly.
"Well, you're going to have to turn it to find out," he chuckled.
Lifting the heavy metal cube out of the gift box, I rest it on my left leg and turn the lever four fulls circulations.
The sound that then filled the room was no more than my favorite sonata: Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. The twinkle of the small music box sounds fills my ears, it hurts. The box hurts. The music hurts. Kakashi's unmistakable love hurts. Tears fill my eyes once again, but Kakashi wasn't there to see. They fall to my bare legs. The temperature of my tears against my sweating body felt good.
"I need to go home," I cried.
Kakashi turns me around, looks deep into my eyes and furrows his eyebrows into a confused and sad look.
"Why? What's wrong?"
"I'm hot, I need to take a shower, I need to go home." I bury my face in my hands. Kakashi hugs me but I push him away and cry more. I can't accept this from him. I can't accept his love. I can't accept his gifts of love. I can't accept anything from him
"... Please don't leave tonight," he said.
I turn around and stare into his eyes. Why was it so hard for me to accept his love? I had just slept with him in an act of love, didn't I? Or was it lust? Love? Or lust? Was I using him? I think it feels different than last time. He treats me differently, doesn't he?
Stop. This is so simple. When I first saw him, was it love or lust? Well, lust-- infatuation, rather, because he was so handsome. When he first kissed me, did I plan on going farther that night? No, it was the first date. When I first slept with him, did I still want to talk to him? Or did I just want to sleep with him again?
Right where I'm sitting, I fall forward. I just want to sleep. This is too much for me right now.
"Sweetheart, are you okay?" Kakashi questioned, leaning over me.
"I just want to sleep right now," I replied.
Kakashi picks me up and places me correctly in bed.
"Do you want to take a shower?" he asks.
"No. I will in the morning."
"Do you want me to sleep in another room?"
"No. I want you here. But open the window, I'm so hot."
He nods, gets up, puts on his jeans lying on the floor, and walks to the window. When he turns around, he stays there. His stare meets mine. I don't look away, nor does he. He's upset. I'm confused. We could see it in each others faces.
"I'm going to take a shower. Will you still be here?"
"Maybe."
He looks down and walks to the bathroom door. He stood there in the door way, the light pooring over him. I could see his back muscles. Why didn't I love this man? He was everything I was asking for: kind, loving, thoughtful, strong, smart, funny, and handsome.
He shuts the door and pure darkness floods over me. I do love Kakashi. I do. But why is it so hard so me to say? Why is it so hard for those words to form? These three words, which mean so much in a relationship. Little, but powerful. It gets hard for me when Kakashi came out with his feelings. I couldn't show him love back.
SCCRREEACCCHH.
On went the shower.
I do love Kakashi. I do. It's not lust. Say it.
"I love you, too, Kakashi Hatake," I murmered. A little late.
I move my naked body out of his bed, and walk towards the bathroom door. I stand there, put my hand on the doorknob, twisted, and walked in.
"Ashurii? Is that you?"
His jeans are right inside the door. I run to the shower stall, and quickly pull it open with a small click!
My heart rushed like the feeling you used to get in grade and middle school. The feeling you'd get when your crush walked past you, when your crush talked to you, when your crush looked at you.
He has his neck craned under the water fall. He looks at my naked body, and I look to my left and blush. He walks towards me, I look up.
"M... May I join you?" I ask staring straight into his eyes.
As a reply, he holds his hand out, palm towards the ceiling. I grab it and he pulls me in.
"Kakashi... I... I do love you. I love you more than anything this world has to offer."
He places his left arm on my neck, his right arm on my lower back, pulls me close, and forces me to look into his eyes.
"I know you do," he replied.
He kisses me. A deep kiss. A meaningful kiss. And I kiss him back. A kiss out of love. Not out of lust. I love Kakashi Hatake. There is no question about it.
I was the one to break the kiss.
"I love you," I stated once again, this time to him. "I'm sorry that I--"
"Shhh," he interupts, placing his index finger over my lips. "You musn't be sorry. Love doesn't always make you act yourself. I know you love me. I know I love you."
He kisses me again. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer in the steaming hot shower that felt so comforting.