This story begins in a house not unlike yours or mine... unless of course you live in a cardboard box, if so, I applaud your decision to use your hard earned money to buy a computer instead of a place to live. Anyways, this modern middle-class quality home is owned by the "hero" of this story, I put hero in quotation marks because I question the label "hero" and it's association with this man. JOHNHOJ is the name of this man who lives here, he doesn't talk often and goes out even less. That is why he has no friends and hasn't kissed a woman since the last wedding he attended 38 years ago. That flower girl was hot, but JOHNHOJ later found out that she was actually a prostitute hired for the bachelor party.

JOHNHOJ was sitting in his recliner while watching the news. He was a man of color, brown to be exact and had short black hair, he was wearing a pretty trashy wife beater underneath a faded flannel jacket which hasn't been in a laundry room since the last year's tax collection. JOHNHOJ wasn't really paying attention to the TV, he had more pressing things to think about. He was down on his luck, was broke, and had to deal with the 35 credit cards he hasn't been able to pay off. This is where applying for an art college usually gets you. He wasn't without talent, he just had talent in every field other than what he can apply for. "I don't know what to do... I need to get money somehow and fast. If only there was a quick easy way to get money fast. Wait, the TV..." JOHNHOJ said this not because a once in a lifetime opportunity came on about a job that JOHNHOJ had be wanting to get for years came on, it was because he hadn't paid the electricity bill and the TV turned off. "Damn! Well, I might as well shove off into the world and find a living or starve to death... again".

Now, I haven't told JOHNHOJ's whole life story yet. JOHNHOJ is immortal, yeah, just throwing that out now. He was supposed to be the savior of the world or some crap like that. I've honestly forgotten and he probably has too. The thing is, JOHNHOJ wasn't very good at saving the world. To be frank, if it was a Special ED class, he'd be getting solid Ds. Even with the No Kid Left Behind program he'd be failing. He could do the State Test and get a perfect score by absolute chance and still get held back because of his atrocious grades from the rest of the year. He just wasn't very good at saving the world. A fish looks dumb trying to climb a tree, a JOHNHOJ looks dumb trying to save the world. That's how it has always been, and in JOHNHOJ's mind that's how it'll always be.

JOHNHOJ put on a baseball cap on and went outside, he didn't lock the door because realistically there wasn't anything there to steal. Other than a bunch of Three Stooges VHS tapes and some too far gone coupons for a free sundae at Braum's there was nothing of real value in his home. JOHNHOJ walked through the streets of Chicago looking for an opportunity to make some cash. By that I mean he ducked into the nearest alleyway when he saw someone even remotely suspicious, man or woman. If you didn't know, Chicago isn't exactly "safe". It has some of the most restrictive gun laws, but it also has the most gun related violence. Just this year, 449 people were killed by getting shot and 2,480 were wounded. About 42 people in Chicago were surprised by these statistics. While walking about, JOHNHOJ really took in his situation, he was very much in debt and didn't have many options, either die by starvation for the 54,000,000 time in his life or get a way of living. While he was pondering this he noticed something happening in an alleyway much like the previous ones he had hid in, except this one had people in it. "What's this?" He questioned to nobody in particular, "there's some crooks robbing an old lady in there!" This was the time to act, he had to do something now or regret it forever.

After helping those nice young men beat up the old lady and receiving his share, he had a breakthrough in his pondering, "While robbing people gets me money pretty easily, I could get it in another way, possibly in a more ethical way too, what if I try using my God-given power for good?" Maybe he could be a hero that this city wants, no... a hero they need! "Good job, me." He said, "It's time to change my ways for the better, and make lots of money while doing it." He would become a vigilante, a dashing rogue who defended the every-man whose just trying to get by! He would find out that was not that simple.

His first "outing" so to say occurred an outstanding record of exactly one minute and thirty five seconds later while he was heading home. He saw two low-life hooligans trying to bust into a car with a clothes hanger, needless to say they hadn't been very successful in their endeavors for they had been going at it for the last few days. "Hey!" JOHNHOJ stated in a raised tone of voice, "You shouldn't manhandle automobiles in such a brutish manner as that!" JOHNHOJ later realized that this wasn't the most intimidating phrase to shout at criminals. "Yeah? What are you gonna do about it old man!?" said the disgruntled thug on the right of JOHNHOJ. JOHNHOJ was not prepared to answer such a question as this, so he just stood there. The miffed man on the left of JOHNHOJ took this as the opportunity to strike, and did just that. Since JOHNHOJ wasn't paying attention to the miffed man the punch missed, because it's harder to hit someone when they don't know you're there. JOHNHOJ rushed the disgruntled thug with a flurry of furious flying fists and knocked him up and over the car. "That wasn't supposed to happen", thought JOHNHOJ. The miffed man got up, the sound of his struggling alerting JOHNHOJ to his presence. The miffed man kicked him in the gut, lifted JOHNHOJ onto his shoulders, AND POWERBOMBED HIM THROUGH THE CAR! "Neither was that..." Thought JOHNHOJ before passing out.

JOHNHOJ woke up as you do after being powerbombed, mildly sore. "AHHHH, THAT HURT!" He yelled. He searched his surroundings to find that he was in a dark room with a single light bulb above his head. He was also tied to an uncomfortable wooden chair. "This is definitely not good" he said to himself. "Indeed it isn't, you sluggish simpleton." This voice he heard sounded like one that promised pain, so he wisely ignored the less than nice jab at his intelligence. "Who are you?" He tried to ask politely as possible. "A man who doesn't appreciate meddlers and you've gotten my attention, and not in a pleasant way." The unnamed man stepped forward into the light to reveal a man of great stature. Some would call him handsome and well dressed. With the mysterious air that surrounded him and the dark blue suit he wore. He was tall, at least 6'6 and slender, his legs were long compared to the rest of his body which would be funny in theory but JOHNHOJ wasn't laughing. His hair was black, greasy, and strangely unruly. The two most striking features however were his skin and eyes. His skin was so pale that you would be able to buy that he hasn't seen the light of day in years. His eyes a bright green and seemed to pierce JOHNHOJ's very soul.

The man examined JOHNHOJ and was unimpressed with what he was seeing. "This man beat up the disgruntled thug?" He thought, "Thug isn't the strongest man alive, but he isn't a pushover." So he asked the man, "What is your name?" JOHNHOJ answered the only way he could, which is honestly "JOHNHOJ". The man raised a single eyebrow "Really?" He asked, "Really." JOHNHOJ said. "You're parents are sadistic." The man said. JOHNHOJ had no disagreements with this statement. "Well, I've told you my name so what's yours?" "Jimmy Jam." JOHNHOJ did not know what to say to this. "Excuse me?" JOHNHOJ asked. "I said Jimmy Jam." The now named man said. "You're parents don't seem any better than mine." "At least mine isn't in uppercase all the time." Again, JOHNHOJ had to agree with what this man said. "So what are you going to do to me?" JOHNHOJ asked. "Kill you" Jimmy answered simply. The room brightened to show a multitude of blades and saws coming out of the walls. Jimmy Jam walked over to the opposite side of the room, opens the door, and went through. He appears in a window giving Jimmy Jam a view of the carnage that's about to happen. Jimmy turned on a speaker and asked "Any last words before you're cut to into a multitude of slabs of meat, JOHNHOJ?" "Ah... um... so long and thanks for all the fish?" JOHNHOJ said. "Sorry author, referencing better pieces of literature won't help JOHNHOJ nor you."

Author: D:

The next view minutes were filled with JOHNHOJ's cries of agony, the sounds of buzzsaws, and the tearing of flesh. Jimmy Jam stopped the cursed machine and surveyed the scene before him, he quickly deduced that JOHNHOJ was in fact dead. "It might take The Cleaner longer than a few seconds to clean this mess up." Almost like a phantom, the horrendous spector known as the'cleaner' showed up behind Jimmy Jam and, without a word, went into the room to start cleaning. The cleaner was even taller than Jimmy Jam, it was 6'10 and didn't have a name, at least to Jimmy's knowledge. The cleaner didn't talk, so Jimmy wouldn't know. The cleaner wore a giant black cloak, wore black gloves, a black Panama hat, and strangely enough, and an off putting black plague mask. The mask was the most frightening part of this... thing. It was made of leather and had metal buttons keeping it together. Jimmy didn't know if the cleaner was a man or woman, so he just called it The Cleaner. Jimmy made sure to stay on the safe side of it. He also made sure to be nice as possible to it, and he always paid it handsomely for it's work. $150,000 for this job will be no skin off of his nose. He was brought out of his thinking by The Cleaner tapping him on his shoulder. "What seems to be the problem?" The cleaner pointed to one of the organs lying on the floor, it was JOHNHOJ's heart... it was still beating. "That's... strange. Although a heart continues to beat as long as it has oxygen so it's not that surprising, if you would please dispose of that for me I'd appreciate it." In a matter of seconds The Cleaner cleared the room of the blood, organs, and clothes quickly. The Cleaner put all of the leftover human anatomy into a white bag. Jimmy Jam paid it and then it left.

JOHNHOJ was dead... again, hey, at least it wasn't by starvation again! :D JOHNHOJ woke up in a dump, he took note of his lack of a body at the moment. He was, in fact, only a head. He's died before, but he's usually in one piece when he wakes back up so this was a very difficult pickle he was in. Then, he heard some rustling, "Is that my arm?" He asked out loud. It was indeed his arm, and the rest of his body and organs were coming toward him. Slowly, his body put itself together. "That doesn't usually happen." JOHNHOJ said. After his body got put back together, he laid there on the ground. Not because he's lazy, but because he currently couldn't move his limbs. It's not like he can just get back up fifteen minutes after getting slice n' diced by a giant medieval blender.

He laid there for quite some time contemplating how badly he got his ass whipped. After some thinking he realized that it was really embarrassing for JOHNHOJ. Granted, it was his first outing into the world of crime stopping, but it was pretty bad. He got beat up by some dudes who couldn't break into a car and then got killed, all in all not a very good start. The feeling in his body started to come back and then he got up to stretch his muscles and dust his clothes off. "Well, I obviously have to do something about this 'Jimmy Jam' character, but what? It obviously didn't go very well the first time,,, he beat my hind end and I wasn't even gunning for him!". Although it pained JOHNHOJ to think this, he needed to step up and, unfortunately so, be the dumb and in-over-his-head hero of this shit-show of a story. "I probably won't get paid very much for this either." Reluctantly, JOHNHOJ started home to see if he can rest after getting mutilated.

So here we are, first story and all that jazz. Can't say I really know much about where this is going, to be honest I wrote half of this when I was stuck in a Mazzio's parking lot for an hour with free wifi and nothing else to do. If you want more just wait for a while, it'll come when it's ready. If you have any criticisms, please, do tell me. Whatever you want to say that you think will make this... thing... better, just say it.