Author's note: Hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did writing! Also, check out my dA page for more stories (same as my user name) and the co-writer's for art relating to the story (TMNL). Rated T for language and possible happenings in the future.

I don't own Metal Gear sadly.

Snake Has an Idea

"Sir, you can't come in here with all of those guns!"

"What? Why not?"

"Sir, there are children here!"

"Well duh, it's an orphanage. What did you expect?"

The two glared at each other. The one against the second amendment was the lady who ran the orphanage. She was a short and stout woman who strongly resembled a teapot now that her face was turning red with anger. The man who had his hands in the only pockets on his khaki cargo pants that held no weapons was a certain Solid Snake. He was on a mission and he wasn't going to let some second amendment hater get in his way. Ignoring the anti-second amendment lady Snake proceeded to exit the reception area and into the child holding cell.

"Sir, I'm serious. You can't come in here. Guns are dangerous." The woman blocked the doorway with her body; soon the two were engaged in some sort of tug-of-war and neither of them was winning.

If you're wondering why Snake is trying to force his way past this woman, into an orphanage, let's go back a couple of hours when Snake was lounging on his couch watching Austin Powers with his friend(?) Otacon. It's quite a simple story actually:

It was their weekly movie night. While Snake would rather be shooting the birds that dared poop on his armored Hummer, the only way to get Otacon to shut up was to give in to certain demands, one of them being a movie night. After weeks of watching Japanimation (as Otacon called "anime"), Snake couldn't take it anymore and decided to take charge. So, on that particular trip to Block Buster, Otacon was locked in the Hummer (that's right, locked in the car) and Snake went in and rented the Austin Powers movies.

They were watching the second one, munching on Snake's popcorn stash, when Otacon suddenly asked, "Hey Snake, have you ever wanted a Mini-Me?" It was then that the idea was lodged into the agent's mind. Without wasting a moment he leapt up, pulling Otacon with him and put him to work. The two cleaned out a room that was filled with a wide assortment of weapons including guns, grenades, rocket launchers, and various pointy objects like swords, daggers, knives, and sharp sticks.

Once the room was cleared, Snake left Otacon to fend for himself and jumped into his Hummer, driving over to the orphanage a few miles in town. When he got there, he hadn't expected a demonic teapot lady to try and keep him out. And that's where we are now.

"Let go of my shirt!" Back at the orphanage, Snake was gripping the door frame to the holding cell and trying to pull himself inside. The lady had worn heels that day and they were digging into the carpet, making it exceedingly difficult to pull free. It was then that it dawned on the woman that this man was carrying at least three different kinds of guns, and who knew what else in those pockets. So she quickly let go, falling backwards while Snake stumbled forward.

Not bothering to help her up, Snake pulled out a cigarette, lit it, and surveyed the room: there were children everywhere, ranging from toddlers to teenagers. Many were in groups with others around their own age reading, talking, playing with toys, or various other activities. They all looked like okay kids, but they didn't have exactly what he was looking for. Ah, what do we have here? he thought. There were three girls that caught his attention. They were sitting together around a game console, yelling at one another. None of them looked remotely similar, except for the fact that they all seemed to be maybe eleven or twelve years old. The other children nearby had weird, frightened looks on their faces.

They were fighting over a controller, arguing about whose turn it was. A smirk on his face, Snake strode over and plucked the controller out of one of their hands. "What's all the commotion about?" he asked coolly, a puff of smoke trailing out his lips.

The three girls jumped at his sudden appearance, but mentioning the fight brought them out of their surprised states.

"Andi doesn't want to let me play, even though she's tried to beat this boss fifteen times!" said one. She had long, waist-length dark hair in a ponytail, short bangs, and tan skin. "She's been playing all day, and I already know that I can beat this boss, but--"

"I haven't tried fifteen times, more like five! I bet you can't even get his health bar down half way!" The black girl was speaking now, the one who had been holding the controller. Her black hair was also in a ponytail, but shorter than the first's and with long bangs. Snake guessed this was Andi. "You played all day yesterday anyway!"

"Guh, whatever!"

"Gaaah!"

"Guuuuh!"

"Gaaaaaaah!"

"Shut up!" Snake finally lost his cool and glared. They girls seemed taken aback by his outburst.

"Fine, whatever, you can play now Sam." Andi handed over the controller grudgingly. Sam took it and began playing where Andi had left off. Snake felt a sort of accomplishment at ending their little fight, and momentarily forgot why he was here in the first place. But then he remembered his mission and decided to push on.

Taking a deep draw on his cig, he said, "Anyway, I was looking to adopt today and you two seem to have what I was looking for."

"What about Laura?" asked the girl with the tan skin.

"Who?"

"Laura." She looked to the third girl. She had blonde hair, worn down, and wore glasses. She just sat there and stared, too shy to say anything.

Snake blinked in mild surprise. "When did she get here?"

"She's been here the whole time."

"Really." He began to take another puff when Mrs. 'anti-second amendment lady' came up and snatched the cigarette out his mouth.

Flicking it into a trash bin when she was sure it was out, she said quietly, "That's enough, sir. Please leave."

"I want them," he answered as though nothing had happened.

"I don't think--"

"I want them," he repeated, pointing to Andi and the tan girl. He smiled a little, thinking of all the training and battles that would come out of this.

"We won't go without Laura." This snapped him out of his daydream.

"Who?"

"Laura." The two were getting a little annoyed and dragged her name out. "We just showed her to you." They again pointed to the blonde girl.

Snake took a long look then said, "I don't remember meeting her... But fine. I'll take all three." He directed the comment as though he was checking out at a store.

"Wait," Andi said, "don't you have to go through the whole adoption process. It takes a really long time! You can't just--"

"You sound exactly like Otacon; I don't need any papers or crap to deal with. I should be able to just pick one and go. Now, come on." The girls shared a look before nodding. Without much else spoken he led the girls out and they piled into the giant Hummer.

Starting down the road, Snake said, "So, what were your names again?"

"Samantha, but everyone calls me Sam," answered the tan girl first. "I'm twelve."

"I'm Andrea, but I like to be called Andi!" She gave Sam a weird look and added, "I'm eleven."

"I'm Laura... I'm eleven too..." Laura answered quietly, slowly getting over her shyness.

"Holy crap!" Snake slammed on his brakes, causing much chaos behind him, and turned sharply to look in the backseat. "How did you get in my car?!"

"What are talking about?!" Andi demanded, recovering from the jolsting she had just received. "She's been here the whole time!" Snake stared at her for a moment, grumbled something, and returned to driving.

"Hey Dad--"

"It's, uh, Snake."

"...Dad, I was wondering," Sam started, settling back into her seat, "Where exactly do you live?

"Not far, just outside of town." There followed an awkward silence, made worse by the fact that there was no music in the Hummer.

It was a hot summer day in Florida, the sky almost clear of clouds. There were many tourists walking around and crossing the street, which just aggravated Snake. Too many tourists. He never had to deal with this in Alaska. He was driving towards Bed, Bath and Beyond- not the manliest store around, but at least he'd get what he needed- and he wanted to get there as fast as possible so he could go home and kick Otacon out. Who knew what that creepy cosplayer was doing. He got a flash back of that horrible Peter Pan thing picture and shuddered.

By the time the foursome got to the store, the sun was getting lower. Snake pulled into the parking lot, taking at least three spots despite parking straight, and had them get out. After a brief moment of confusion about Laura, they were inside.

The girls squealed happily and took off to explore the store, Snake half-heartedly calling, "Don't kill yourselves," as he went for the beds. As he made his way down the aisle Snake paused for a second, the feeling of being watched heavy on his mind. At last he stopped and took a look around. Nothing. Just women and their candles. But his soldier intuition was telling him something was up.

Continuing on, Snake kept down the aisle, trying to catch whatever it was that was following him. Suddenly he was surrounded by the smell of mint, unbearably so, and he whipped around. Behind him was an employee. He was tall and lanky with a huge grin, reminding Snake of a horse. He wore large square glasses to frame his huge brown eyes, and he was bald save for a tiny bit on the top of his head; there was a toothbrush and pens tucked behind his ear. It was quite a sight.

"Er..."

"Wait, don't say it. 'Man is Confused; Stares,' end quote." The employee pulled a pen from his shirt pocket and began to scribble fiercely on his arm.

Snake was taken aback by the bluntness and tried to skirt away without success. The employee grabbed his hand and shook it vigorously. "Nice to meet ya. Name's Spark Brushell, reporter, turned sales man. 'Court Case Ends Promising Career,' end quote. What can I do for ya?"

It took much effort to pry his hand away, but the new father managed. "Beds," he growled, wiping his hand on the pillows he was by, somehow making it seem as though he was just seeing how soft they were. It was a very complex action. "Just tell me which direction to head and I'll manage..."

Spark threw his arm across Snake's shoulders and led the poor guy down the aisle babbling away. "I think I got just the bed for you. 'New Bed, Easily Supports Two,' end quote," here he winked, "One of our top sellers to newlyweds--"

"Children's beds," Snake said hurriedly and irritably, pushing the sales man away. "I just adopted two girls and they need beds." It then occurred to him that that sounded kind of creepy, considering the fact there was no wife standing next to him.

"Well, why didn't you say so?" Spark again put his arm around Snake and continued on. "By the way, we're having a a great sale on fuzzy massagers. 50% off, great colors."

Snake took a quick glance around and in one swift movement had Mr. Brushell against the wall. "Listen buddy. It's late, I'm irritated, and I have some creep in my house I need to kick out. Now either point me in the right direction or show me quietly."

Brushell nodded and slid back onto the tiled floor. This customer reminded him of Zak, and that was scary. He glanced back at the man; he had pulled a cigarette out of nowhere and had it lit already, puffing away. Brushell began to raise an objection, caught himself, and continued on.

It only took a few minutes to reach the correct department, now that Brushell had shut up. He stood a few feet away as Snake browsed the isles, tense and ready to flee.

Snake had his own problems though. As he looked at the bed sets, he realized he knew nothing about these girls, except that they must like video games. What were girls into? He scanned the shelves, at a loss. He passed many things that were pink, flowery, lacey, My Little Pony themed, and just a mix of bright colors. But he didn't feel it was right. But maybe that was just because he was a man who had never spoken to a young girl before today.

"Brushell." He had said the name so unexpectedly, and so menacingly, Spark jumped in surprise and slinked over still debating weither to run for it or wait it out. He was beginning to lean toward the running for it idea. Snake pointed to a set. "Two of these Barbie sets, and two day beds." He stopped, sure he was forgetting something. "Make it three beds and that Sailor Moon set with the two Barbie ones." He couldn't believe he was even uttering such names as Barbie, but seeing Brushell scuttle off in fear brought his mood back up once more.

Snake took another drag of his cigarette, waiting rather patiently for Brushell to return. He was too deep in thought about what he had just done. He closed his eyes, leaning on the shelf... and something glass smashed to pieces next to him. Without thinking Snake rolled away Matrix-style, pulled out his Socom from nowhere, and aimed it down the empty isle. He stood slowly, then finally put his gun away after he was sure no one was trying to get him. But that left the question of where the glass object had come from. He looked up and, seeing nothing, exited the isle and looked up again. That was when he saw a figure on top a shelf, a pile of random objects at her side. He squinted, confused, until he saw it was actually Samantha. Swearing, Snake rushed toward her section of the store.

Meanwhile, Sam was having great fun throwing objects she had collected at people. She usually hit them too. Giggling, she picked up a bar of soap and looked for her next victim. This victim happened to be a passing elderly woman on her way to the curtains. Amazed management hadn't come out yet, the young girl cocked her arm, aimed, and threw the Sea Breeze scented bar at the lady. The bar soared through the air perfectly, nailing the grandma and sending her stumbling, where she then slipped on the soap and landed on the ground with a mighty thud. This sent her into another fit of giggles.

"Samantha! What the hell are you doing up there?" Snake had finally reached the scene and eyed the downed woman. Impressive, he had to admit. Then again, it was an old lady, so it's not like it was really a moving target. Snake looked back up at Sam who was jumping up to run. She leapt across the gap in shelves and took off, sprinting. Snake was a veteran when it came to things like this. He quickly scaled the shelf, knocking salt and pepper shakers to the floor. He silently wondered how she got up there in the first place as he chased her across the store. Sam took a left when she came to the curtains and Snake was able to corner her before long. He grabbed her before she could get down and threw her over his shoulder.

"You're no fun!" whined Snake's captive, pouting. Snake just rolled his eyes. By now management had taken notice and employees were rushing out to see what was going on. Many stopped in shock at the sight.

After many complaints, Snake gave in and let Samantha ride on his back piggy-back style. As he planned on how to get down, the girl suddenly tapped his head and said, "Look at Laura!" Not quite sure what she was talking about, Snake followed the direction of her pointed finger. Laura was in the kitchen section, surrounded by spices and mixing utencils. She had mixed some weird concoction and was happily spreading it on the silver ware.

Swearing again, he sprinted over shelves toward the almost forgotten daughter. Sam was laughing in delight in the ride, which made Snake contemplate dropping her off the shelf. "Laura, what are you doing?" she called, climbing off her new father's back and standing on the edge of the shelf while he caught his breath. Laura looked up at her and smiled.

"Remember when we blew up all those Barbies at the orphanage? I made more of the explosives! Check it out!" The girl whipped a box of matches out of her pocket, and Snake nearly had a heart attack as she struck it, mostly because she had said Barbie and he had just bought those sheets, and because those matches were supposed to have been hidden in the car. Sam just "ooo"ed and sat with her feet swinging off the side. Laura brought the match to the concoction before Snake could stop her and a small explosion sent the silverware flying. Snake, Sam, and Laura expertly ducked out of the way, but the innocent bystanders weren't so experienced. A man screamed as a fork impaled his leg, and one woman fell to the ground as a spoon smacked her in the face. Laura and Sam laughed, as Snake frantically stomped out the small fire the explosion had caused. Who knew someone could do that with spices? When he was sure it was completely out, he grabbed the two girls by their arms and dragged them away from the commotion. He had to find Andi before she could start causing trouble, but he had no idea where she would be. Before he could come up with any ideas, the intercom crackled to life, and a woman's voice came on.

"We have a situation up front, can the parent of this ten year old please come to the-" The woman's voice was interrupted and it sounded like someone was grabbing at the phone. That couldn't be... he thought.

"I'm eleven! And I told you not to call him!" Yep, that was Andi's voice.

"Young lady, we can't let you-,"

"Give it back!"

"Ow! Stop-,"

"Wait, is this going over the speakers?"

"Yes, now-,"

"Crud wombats!"

"Wait, what are you doing?"

"Hang up the phone!"

"I-." The click of the phone hanging up sounded throughout the store. Snake let out a heavy sigh and started to make his way to the front, still dragging Sam and Laura with him. He looked around for any sign of trouble, and spotted a group of employees gathered around an office door. Before he could ask what was going on, the door burst open, and Andi came sprinting out, cackling maniacally.

"Someone stop her!" It was the same woman who was on the intercom. She had just come out of the same office Andi had been in, and it looked like they had been physically fighting. Snake turned to Sam and Laura.

"You two, go pick out bed sheets and stay in that aisle. Don't do anything stupid!" And with that, he shoved many employees out of his way, and took off after Andi. The intercom came on again, the same woman speaking.

"Attention, shoppers. A small eleven year old girl with long black hair in a ponytail has just stolen half a million dollars from our bank accounts. If you see her, call an employee with her location. Thank you, that is all." Snake almost stopped in his tracks. Sam had been throwing objects at people with amazing accuracy, Laura had made a decent explosive out of common kitchen spices, and Andi had hacked into a franchise's national bank account and stolen half a million dollars. An idea began to form in his head, but, first, he had to catch Andi. He could start scheming later.

He chased after her, and eventually cornered her in the kitchen appliances aisle. She was brandishing a wooden spoon and a toaster, but Snake was able to swat the toaster down and wrestle the spoon away from her. He grabbed her before she could make another break for it.

"Argh, put me down! This is child abuse! I have the right to do what I want! This is America!!!!"

"Just shut up." Snake dragged her towards the bedding aisle, looking for Sam and Laura. That's when she broke out into song.

"'F' is for friends who do stuff together! 'U' is for 'u' and me!!! 'N' is for 'N'ywhere and anytime at all, down here in the deep blue sea!!" If Snake had known kids were this much trouble, he would've given this decision more thought. As it was, he had already basically kidnapped them, and he wasn't one to give up on a mission, no matter how unbelievably loud the singing was. Hearing Andi's song, Sam and Laura joined in as though it was some code to find each other.

When he found the other two heathens, they had already picked out bed sets. Sam's was X-men themed with wolverine taking up the whole comforter, and Laura's had some sort of World of Warcraft thing with the horde symbol. Snake set Andi down, and she immediately ran to one with Spider-man on it. Were girls supposed to love this stuff?

Noticing, but not really caring, that Brushell had not returned, Snake herded the chittering girls to the check-out counters. The cashier looked wary of Andi, but the small child was too busy boasting about Spider Man to try and hack into another computer system. "I'm gonna need those three day beds brought out to my Hummer," he said as he gave her the money. Still a bit shaken, the woman nodded slowly and took the money, putting out a call for three beds. Snake hurriedly led the girls out the store before the cops could arrive, getting them into the Hummer without too much trouble. Andi and Samantha were too busy arguing over whether Wolverine or Spider Man was better to get in any more trouble.

By the time they got back on the road the sun was barely showing over the water. Sadly, this was when all the crazy college kids came out, and the Hummer had to crawl back to the house. The children had quieted and were busy looking out the windows in moderate interest; they had never been in this part of the city, and they were excited to see the house. What they weren't expecting was the fact the 'house' was, put in simple terms, a fort. Actually, the entire neighborhood was filled with forts.

Snake slid out the car and onto the concrete driveway, some annoyance that had been on his face all day ebbing away now that he was home. Then he remembered Otacon and the scowl returned. He moved toward the back of the car, stopping when he realized the girls hadn't come out yet. He backed up, opening the door on Andi's side. "What are you doing?"

"This is our house?" she asked, clutching her bed set tightly. It was a bit intimidating to them all. It was huge, two stories, a dark green, and looked to be built out of metal. The windows seemed really out of place sitting innocently in completely appropriate places. They looked around. Every other house looked exactly the same, except for small differences like the number of windows or what shade of dark-green it was. They only spotted a few that weren't green at all.

They looked at their new father with questioning looks; Snake just rubbed the back of his neck, turning away and trying to figure out how he was going to explain his life to the three. It's not like he'd be able to keep it secret, after all. It's not like he planned to keep it a secret. His mind was still working from the incident in the store. Once all three were crowded around him he showed them to the door. The security system Otacon had installed required an annoying amount of features set to allow only a select few in; hand print scan, retina scan, DNA analysis from a strand of hair, and of course a breath test-- for all they knew, none of their enemies smoked as much as Snake did, if they smoked at all. He gave them a quick warning to not try opening the door until he had them registered in the system's data banks and led them inside, flicking the hall's light switch up. He frowned. Unless Otacon had left, the lights should still be on. He jiggled with the switch again when the lights didn't come on. They refused to turn on. He looked up. The light bulbs were still there, and they weren't that old. He had changed them not too long ago.

Suddenly they heard someone call, "Dave, is that you?" Again the girls cast a questioning look, but Snake was just as confused as they. He knew it was Otacon by the sound of his voice, but the tone of his voice said he knew it was Snake, and he still didn't know what was up with the lights. Otacon never turned off all the lights. His mind instantly switched to soldier mode and he pulled out his Socom, motioning for the girls to stay behind him. He crept along the hallway with his gun pointed forward, heading for the kitchen. His thought process was that someone had managed to break in, took Otacon as hostage and was baiting him to do who-knows-what.

Snake turned the corner to find Otacon lighting a candle on the table he had decorated. But what really caught his attention was the fact the guy wasn't wearing anything but an apron that said, 'You can conquer my Metal Gear ;D'. He was shocked into silence, in which time Otacon had seen him.

"Oh, Dave, I was just--"

"AHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHH!"

"OUR VIRGIN EYES!"

"Otacon!"

"Snake--"

"Dad!!"

"Dad?!"

"Girls--"

"Girls!?!"

"Go put on some damn clothes Otacon!"

"But Snake--"

"DAMNIT OTACON I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T GO PUT ON SOME CLOTHES RIGHT NOW--"

"Eeek!" Otacon scurried off to go retrieve his clothing as Samantha and Laura clutched Snake's legs, sobbing uncontrollably. Andi seemed oddly unaffected now that the initial shock had passed. After a moment, Samantha and Laura managed to calm down. Snake was still seething with anger.

"Hey, Dad."

"What."

"Are you gay?" Another moment, then Snake turned around and slapped Andi across the face. "OW. What was that for?!"

"I'm not gay. You will never ask or say or imply that I am again." He stormed off with the three following closely behind, Andi holding her cheek and pouting. Usually they wouldn't, because he seemed a bit scary now, but they were more afraid of running into Otacon. Snake led them to the second floor and opened a door that led into an 'oh my freakin' god' big room. There were three beds against one wall, leaving the rest of the space vacant. The girls gaped at the three beds.

"How'd you get the beds in here?!"

Snake smirked. "Does a duck with one leg swim in circles?"

They blinked in confusion. Sam opened and closed her mouth a few times before one word managed to come out, "What?"

"Does a penguin wear mittens?"

"What are you--"

"WELP, gotta go kick a nerd out the house. I'll see you girls in the morning." They continued to stare blankly as their new father gave a short wave and closed the door after him.

Now that it was quiet, Snake was able to let his mind go over everything that had happened that day. He must have been insane to even consider adopting, but by some incredible chance he had found these girls with unusual skills. He hurried down the stairs, through the first floor and to the basement where he knew Otacon would be. As he expected, the tech head was in the final stages of restoring all the power to the house, fully dressed to Snake's relief.

Otacon gave a little squeak as Snake approached, and for a minute there he was sure the soldier was going to beat him into the ground. But he apparently changed his mind at the last minute and said, "Hurry up and finish. I've got something to tell you," and went back upstairs.

Snake sat at the kitchen table for only a few more minutes before the lights flickered on and Otacon sulked in, still unsure of what to do. "Otacon, you're not going to believe this." By the sound of his voice, Otacon knew it wasn't about what happened earlier and sat down, lacing his fingers together in all seriousness. "Those girls have... unusual talents."

"Like what?"

"Well, Samantha, the dark-haired one-- she's got some of the best accuracy I've seen, at least for a child. And Laura, the blonde-- she made an explosive out of common ingredients I could pull out the cabinet right now."

"Are you serious?"

"That's not all. Andi, the black one-- she hacked into the computer network of Bed, Bath and Beyond and half a million dollars. And all of this happened within minutes."

Otacon pushed up his glasses, wondering how such young children could do this. "Have they had any training?"

"I don't think so."

"Amazing." They sat there in silence for a long time, letting the information mull over in their minds. "Snake, you aren't thinking..."

"They've got the skills, Otacon. And with me now being their father, they'll learn about my job sooner or later, and enemies will be after them. We might as well build upon what they can already do, if only for their own protection." He didn't mention the fact that missions would be so much easier with help. "Think about it. Let me show you to the door."

The two walked to it and Otacon stepped out into the night.

"And another thing." He stopped and turned to see Snake pulling out a cigarette and glaring daggers. "If you ever do something like what you did earlier, especially in front of the girls, I'm going to kill you." He gave a final threatening look then slammed the door shut.