Disclaimer: I do not own Hellboy, the BPRD, or the English language.
Weird Cuisine 101: A Hellboy Tale
As we all know, the BPRD has been just about everywhere possible in the world. Tibet, Easter Island, The Amazon, The Heart of the Sahara, the Outback, Lake Ogenagen, no place is too close or too remote for the BPRD to stick their noses into. And of course, beating up supernatural baddies can make them mighty hungry. But what to eat when you can barely read the menu… a warning now, this is not to be read within one hour or before one hour of eating, or if you have a weak stomach.
Teotihuacan, Mexico- 15 October 2004 14:00
"Ugh, gross…" Liz said, washing the last bit of green goo off her arms. "No more monsters with gooey insides for a while please," she whined to herself. Liz then walked back to the table of the authentic Mexican restaurant, where Hellboy and Abe were already sitting, both looking pretty perplexed at the menu.
"See anything good?" she asked, sitting down at the empty seat of the round table. The two looked up and gave her a very sarcastic look. "Right, Spanish menu, sorry," Liz said, taking a look at her own.
After a long pause, Hellboy finally spoke up. "Hey, that might be good. Sal-ta-mon-tez en chocolate. I understand chocolate, but what is…the other word?" he said. Nobody answered, so they decided to order the dish anyway.
Ten short minutes later, the waiter came with a dish that he left on the table. The three stared at it for a few minutes, unblinking, trying to figure out if the dish was actually real or if some unseen BPRD member with a video camera was pranking them.
"It's…bugs…" Abe said after a long pause, "Chocolate-covered bugs."
"I think the monster goo was more appetizing," Liz added, still not looking away from the plate and its contents. She turned to a waiter nearby. "Um, excuse me, is this a mistake?"
The waiter shook his head. "No señorita, you ordered chocolate covered grasshoppers."
"Oh," Hellboy said, watching one of the grasshoppers jump right off the plate. "Suddenly I'm not so hungry anymore…"
Hong Kong - 3 November 2004 01:00
"Finally, an open place," Kate said in one breath of relief. "C'mon big guy," she said, pulling in an equally hungry Hellboy into the restaurant. The two were immediately seated, seeing as they were the only ones there that late. And of course, the menus were in Mandarin Chinese.
"Um…eenie meenie minie moe.…" Hellboy began jokingly, pointing to random words on it. Kate rolled her eyes and signaled the waiter to come over. After the waiter woke up again, he headed right over.
"Yeah, hi. What would you recommend for us to…" Kate began, right as the waiter walked away. She looked to Hellboy with a raised eyebrow, and Hellboy returned her expression with a shrug.
Five minutes later, the waiter came back with a steaming plate of meat and bread, which looked awfully appetizing after wandering around the city for two hours looking for an open restaurant.
Hellboy was the first to take a bite. With an affirmative "Mmm", he asked the waiter what this was called.
"Siopao," the waiter replied, "Or in English: cat meat."
Kate spit out the chunk of cat in her mouth as Hellboy walked away from the table utterly disgusted and looking for the nearest restroom to redeposit the food in. He'd have to remember never to consider living in Hong Kong with all the pet cats he had.
Vienna, Austria- 19 November 2004 20:00
"I hate other languages besides English," Liz commented, flipping the menu of the dimly lit pub they were in. "Johann, you've been to Austria right?" she asked, turning to the totally covered man next to her. Well, if you could call a suit embodied by the ectoplasmic form that was once a person a "man".
"No, but I've had recommendations from friends that if I ever go to Austria I have to try beuschl," the hollow voice that was Johann said, opening the menu, "and they do serve it here."
"All right then, might as well try it," Liz said shrugging, "what is beuschl anyway?"
Johann shrugged. "I honestly don't know."
About half an hour later, the mystery that was beuschl arrived at the table. Liz looked what looked like chopped hot dog in a bowl. She took a bite, and spit it out. "Blech, what's in that?" Liz asked, openly.
One of the bar patrons turned around. "Beuschl? It's pig organs," he said, before going back to his beer. Liz turned a bit green and rushed to the bathroom. Johann sighed, "For once I'm glad I can't eat."
Kiev, Ukraine- 13 December 2004 19:30
Hellboy and Abe had just finished a great meal at a small restaurant. "Wow, I could go for something sweet," Hellboy commented openly, hinting to Abe that he would be willing to go for dessert. Abe nodded in agreement.
The waitress overheard them and came over. "Sorry, well we don't have much in the dessert category. But, I'm sure I could get someone to whip up some Ukrainian Snickers. It's on the house," she giggled.
"Yeah, I guess we could try that," Hellboy said. Abe gave Hellboy a wary look. He wasn't sure what that giggle meant, and if it was on the house, there must have been some sort of catch.
"All right Red, it's your funeral," Abe commented.
The waitress giggled again before going back to the kitchen. About five minutes later she came back with a plate of two chocolate covered bars, which did resemble much in the appearance of snickers. Hellboy took a bite out of one.
"A little…chewy," he commented, slowly grinding his teeth at the chocolate bar.
"Oh, it's supposed to be," the waitress answered, "it's chocolate covered pig fat."
Hellboy set the chocolate bar down and pushed it forward, looking up at Abe, who immediately snatched up the second chocolate bar, despite the fact he was munching on the first one. "What? They're good…" Abe said.
Happy Holidays, and may your dinners have better food than our friends at the BPRD! Jinx Author