A/N: Mary-Sues are the thing that everyone loves to hate, and Outsiders fandom has a shitload of them, but not nearly enough things mocking them, so I felt obligated to make fun of them. Plus I just thought my snark muscle needed a bit of exercise. By the way this is written as a half-assed story, because I suspect I might get booted of if it isn't. I am once again going to ask for spelling critique because it appears as though I have had some kind of neurological happening that causes me to be unable to spell tonight.
Disclaimer: I do not own the outsiders, nor –thanks be to god- the sues I mention. If someone leaves a review defending themselves for writing any type of sue I mention I reserve the right to taunt them mercilessly.
Here in American Lit. Part Two, we do not learn about such things as actual great (or even decent authors) authors. Rather, we focus on a rather more pertinent matters in the world of writing: The Dread Mary-Sue.
Open your text books to page 6…
Species and Sub-Species of Sues in the Outsiders Fandom
The Bad Ass Sue(Homo Sueus Butcheus)
Personality: mouthy; adventurous; brave; tough; a good fighter; independent, emotionally guarded; generally acts in a way completely implausible for a female in 1966; probably a total skank (or, as in would be really amusing to call her because it makes her sound like an evil robot, a "mananizer")
Appearance: often has a permanent scowl; when the author ventures into purple-prose territory, is described as fiery, or with other equally vague adjectives that essentially mean bad-ass; probably "so skinny she could be anorexic", possibly with "curves in all the right places".
Possessions: cigarettes; anachronistic wife-beaters; optional heart of gold; Dallas Winston's testicles in a jar on her desk
Past: guaranteed to be extremely rough, and probably includes rape or sexual abuse (the after-effects of which will never manifest in any way other then her telling off some grabby socs); obligatory passage about "the world turning her cold" or some such drivel
Guy of Choice: Dallas
Miscellaneous: there is a lot of parallels between this sort of sue and Dallas, except that she shares none of his charm
The Nurturing Sue (Homo Sueus Freudian)
Personality: kind; healing; motherly; responsible; near angel-like in her ability to swoop in to the rescue after someone has been jumped
Appearance: the most typical description includes flaxen hair that shines like the stars above, shimmering eyes that show wisdom beyond her years, radiant skin that brighten up the world around her, and massive tits for some reason
Possessions: a first aid kit of some kind; feminine clothing; a poor sense of humor; the suspicions of those around her that she is a robot of some kind
Past: she may actually be older, or she might just be an "old soul"; one of the few sues without a truly awful past
Guy of Choice: Darrel or Johnny, if the author has mommy issues
Miscellaneous: This is the kind of sue that gets off on dropping in when a guy is hurt emotionally and physically and healing him back to health, falling in love along the way
The Soc Sue (Homo Sueus Wealthius)
Personality: presumably a stuck up soc, but she just "wants something more"; has a secret rebel side; intelligent, at least enough to be in advanced classes; is scared shitless of the greasers for about five seconds, or until she decides which one she wants to bang
Appearance: strikingly beautiful, not just beautiful mind you, but strikingly beautiful, this girl is like a goddamn bolt of lightning, her beauty is so striking
Possessions: a house full of expensive possessions; an empty heart; a sudden disregard for social classes
Past: a soc, but not "evil"; usually there is some kind of foreshadowing incident in which all her friends harass a greaser but she just stands by with haunted eyes
Guy of Choice: Usually Sodapop, sometimes Two-Bit
Miscellaneous: Most girls, upon reading the outsiders, feel conflicted about Cherry Valance. On one hand she was rich and cool, but on the other she didn't get to hang out with the greasers. So they create a sue that is basically an idealized version of Cherry being nice to the gang.
The New Girl in Town Sue (Homo Sueus Introductus)
Personality: this is a rather general sue, as it can overlap with any other kind of sue, but is usually the catch-all for perky, friendly, bubbly, lovably ditzy sues; they usually have a level of hyperness that an actual human being possessing it would probably be taken away to be studied at area 51
Appearance: hair color and complexion varies, as do eye color, but you can be damn sure that whatever color those eyes are they will be "bright" or "lively"; feminine; extra beautiful, so the boy of her choice can fall in love with her at first sight
Possessions: heavy boxes, so that whichever guy is her neighbor can help her carry them into her house; outfits that are described in even more detail than other sues, inexplicably
Past: She moves from an idealized version of a city like Chicago, Los Angeles, or New York, usually for reasons that are mysterious, or maybe just poorly explained.
Guy of Choice: as with personality and appearance, this varies, but most commonly Sodapop
Miscellaneous: This sue is the one (next to future and set of seven sues) that is most commonly the dread, dirty sounding, self-insertion
The Weird Sue (Homo Sueus Outcasteus)
Personality: different in a incredibly contrived way; dreamy; some kind of artist, be it visual art or some other kind; attempts to sound intelligent, but fails hard because the author writing her is usually stupid; acts in a way that would be completely off-putting to all but the most tolerant of people
Appearance: there's probably something physically "off" or unique about her, like a scar or a tattoo; dresses in a strange way; for some reason, tends to have some kind of uber special eyes
Possessions: an instrument, sketchbook, or notebook of some kind; maybe a distinctive piece of jewelry
Past: usually teased or made fun of at school (although there is nothing conceivably wrong with her, besides being "different") until the greasers see past other's treatment of her
Guy of Choice: Ponyboy, sometimes Johnny
Miscellaneous: this type is among the rarer species of sue, but when she appears reading her story is either slightly enjoyable or equal to the pain of having hot bamboo strips shoved under your nails
The Sues Beyond This Point Vary Too Much/ Are Too Foul To Be Described in Detail
The Future Sue (Homo Sueus Warpius)
Miscellaneous: This is a story involving time travel where either the Curtis gang is thrown into the future or a girl/several girls (depending on how the author's social life is) are sucked into 1966. See set of Seven Sues
The Sister Sue (Homo Sueus Relatus)
Miscellaneous: The sister of a canon character. This character is, strangely enough, rarely Two-Bit, and usually is the Curtis'. Often they are a long lost sister, but sometimes an author has the balls to just pretend they weren't mentioned. The sister sue will have a personality/look exactly like her brother's, the exact opposite of her brother's, and, in the case of a Curtis sister, will be a perfect combination of Sodapop and Ponyboy, with a bit of Darry thrown in for good measure.
The Set of Seven Sues (Homo Sueus Luckius)
Miscellaneous: This is when the author and six of her friends (who may or may not be in on it) are turned into female versions of the gang (in both looks and personality) and fall in love with their respective greasers. May of may not involve time-travel and/or being sucked into movies/books. It if mandatory that every story of this type include a scene in which the guys are introduced to dreadful modern music. It should be noted that the female versions of the names Sodapop and Ponyboy are often particularly painful.