"Good evening. Hello, and welcome to the Potterwatch Revival special. I am your host, Lee Jordan, though some listeners may remember from our wartime broadcasts that I availed myself the use of the alias 'River.' This program is being brought to your home from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes at Ninety-Three, Diagon Alley, and is funded by the Weasley Interest Ventures group in a joint effort with the Ministry of Magic and all associated parties.
"Tonight, Weasley's Wizard Wheezes will play host to the first in a series of definitive interviews of our allies and heroes in the Wizarding War. I'll spare you any further adieu and introduce you to this evening's guest, proprietor of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, president of Weasley & Weasley, and founder of the Weasley Interest Ventures group, George Weasley!"
"You've forgotten that I'm son of Arthur Weasley and Molly Weasley, and that my surname is Weasley, and that my favorite rodents tend to be quite weasely."
"It's your own fault, isn't it, for banging the name Weasley onto everything you touch. Putting humor aside—"
"As I'm rather known to do..."
"If you can manage it. I've brought you on air for genuine insight into the most important event of our time."
"A colossal mistake, to say the least. You ought to have saved the best for last. Gone out with a bang. Now, this program has seen its glory days on day one and anyone listening will be wondering where that charming Weasley fellow has run off to when we're hearing Granger drone on about paramandatory Elfish protection doctrines and candidate negotiables for Goblin trade and things."
"Hey, leave it out, I've only got her on next after you, you great git. None of the big three wanted to take part in the first place and if they renege on the interview now I've got you to thank for it!"
"You've got me to thank for a lot, Lee. You'll likely have me to thank for getting you yanked off air after tonight. I hope our dear Minister enjoys scuffling with the Magical Broadcasting Decency Commission after all's said and heard."
"No more than you enjoy scuffling with the George Weasley Decency Commission, also known as Molly Weasley. Of that, I'm certain. No, George, onto the hard news."
"Hard news? Right! Nevermind I'm rightfully naffed off at you getting me out of the way early. I've got product to plug here. The Death Eater trials are underway; how's that for hard news? So just know that you're not going to get one scrap of gossip out of the fabled Golden Trio. Their tongues are on official Ministry lockdown for the duration of the proceedings, if it's anything to do with Death Eaters or Voldemort. Oops, am I allowed to say that on air? Ever so sorry..."
"Of course you are. We've always called things by their proper names on Potterwatch and Voldemort is no exception. Make no mistake, George. Ministry-funded or not, we're still the revolution. Besides, I'll practically be swimming in gossip soon enough. Ron'll sing, won't he? Wizengamot laws be damned?"
"Ron? Ickle Ronnie? Wand-whipped Ronnie? That's your ace in the hole? You've got a Fire Crab's chance in the Black Lake if you think you're getting so much as a shred of sensitive information from Ron. He answers to a higher, more severely enforced law than the Wizengamot. Besides, what does he care about the Wizarding world getting the facts straight? His biggest concern now is learning a spell to get ink stains off his cock!"
"Oi! I've told you I've got Granger on next, though probably not anymore, thanks!"
"To be fair, people probably wouldn't have known exactly what I meant had you not mentioned Granger right there..."
"The people who need to know already know. Quick question: what was the role of Slytherin house during the Battle of Hogwarts?"
"What the...? That's a Bludger from six o'clock, that is. Slytherin? McGonagall chucked 'em. Evacuated every one of them before the battle, but, to their credit, there was a surprisingly large group of Slytherins that came back to fight on the side of Hogwarts. Even shed their green-trimmed robes. The slimy pricks actually managed something noble."
"So, in your view, while the majority of Death Eaters hailed from Slytherin, the House itself was not altogether ignoble?"
"Of course it is, don't be stupid. I'm just giving the minority of good ones their due. Next question."
"Can you tell us all what it was like, being there, in the thick of it all?"
"The people who need to know already know."
"Why come on only to be difficult?"
"Er. For one, I've already got the name 'Weasley' breezing through more possible future patrons' ears tonight than could be possible without you, Radio Lee. Free advertising, and that's something you just can't buy."
"I suppose that's a good point. I'd like to stop right there, ladies and gentlemen, to give a word of thanks to our generous sponsor, Weasley Interest Ventures group..."
"Er, enough of this. Onto the hard news, Lee!"
"Thank you. Now, can you describe to us what it was like, the moment Voldemort fell? What happened?"
"I've got a theory. A'course, my brother Bill's got a theory too. Percy, as well. Hagrid's theorized about it, and so has his dog. Nobody's quite sure why it happened, but what I saw was Voldemort's curse bouncing off of Harry, and I'll tell you one other thing, I had that same curse bounce off me too. Knocked me square in the chest, and here I stand."
"Not the..."
"The Killing Curse, of course! The go-to incantation of every scumbag with a snake and skull stamped on their wrist. Did you know, throughout the whole battle, I'd only seen one on our side use that curse? Don't bother asking, of course I'm not going to grass them out."
"It was wartime. We... we dueled to kill. We did so on official orders from the Headmistress."
"I killed a man too, Lee. You killed that woman, remember? Of course you do. School kids turned killers, all because of Voldemort and his hatred and greed. I think there was some ancient magic at play that night. I heard the Death Eater say the spell, the same spell he used to kill my uncles Fabian and Gideon, and felt it brush off me. I saw it blow through my clothes like smoke. I know it was Harry Potter responsible for it."
"But how?"
"There's just something about Harry. He went out into that forest to face Voldemort. Not a single witch or wizard in their right mind believed that he was caught trying to run away — if they did, they've never met the specky git — and something changed after the Death Eaters brought his body back to Hogwarts. It's impossible to describe, and Bill says I'm full of it, but when he sprang back to life, I wasn't surprised. Boy Who Lived indeed. Anyway, our side couldn't be touched after that. Not by evil hands."
"Incredible. A magical protection afforded all of us by the martyr Harry Potter!"
"A professional grade martyr, he is. It's annoying at the best of times, but in the end I suppose I'm glad for it. Voldemort didn't stand a chance. His own curse rebounded, and he ended up killing himself, just like he did when he attacked Harry all those years ago and gave him that silly scar. Fucking prick."
"Watch it! Honestly, George, it's as though you want the — er, the right good and decent Decency chaps to reprimand you for that foul language!"
"Given all Voldemort's done, I consider it a massive understatement, don't you? You think folks at the ruddy Decent Chaps Commission don't have families affected by said prick?"
"Let's just get back to the hard news, before you've said more. If you don't mind, I'll ask, well, how was your family affected by He-Who-Must-Henceforth-Be-Named-Because-He's-Dead-Now?"
"I do quite mind, actually. Besides, there were hundreds dead that night, and I'm only one mere mortal handsome man. My family's loss is one of many."
"You've become quite a prominent figure in the Wizarding world, and you know it. You also can't have missed that there are two Weasleys in Weasley & Weasley, two gingers on the sign in front of your shop, two —"
"Well there's one now, fuckhead! Why ask if you know the answer? He was only your best friend. Must you bring that up?"
"Yes, I need to bring up that Fred Weasley was killed in the Battle of Hogwarts. Because, for those who stayed home and hid from the danger, the sacrifices others made need to be addressed. The people who don't already know need to know."
"Next question."
"I'm sorry, mate. The final question, then: what does the future hold for George Weasley?"
"I'm cooking something up. Don't you worry about that."
"And to what does this concoction pertain? Some have speculated, ludicrous though it may seem, that the inventiveness behind your Wizard Wheezes joke items could be put to Ministry use."
"Right-o. First thing's first: I'm making workable prototypes for all of Fred's joke shop concepts, no matter how silly. Well, the sillier the better, truth be told. That's top priority, profits be damned. A'course, Freddie would punch me in the groin for being so foolish were he still standing next to me these days. Wouldn't be surprised if the bugger decided to haunt me. After that, the Ministry's dying to get their hands on me."
"Can you divulge any details?"
"I couldn't possibly speak of it. The matter is, one might say, Unspeakable."