A/N
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Super Mario. All rights go to their respective owners. Also, this was a request by Barbacar, so credit goes to him for the main plot.
TIMELINE: Same day as Daisy's Big Ol' Adventure and Rosalina Makes Space Brownies. All of them take place one month before Mario Fanfiction.
"MARIO! LUIGI! HELP ME!" Peach cried out, trying really hard to sound like she was actually scared.
Though the plumber brothers chased behind Bowser's Clown Kart and tried to catch up, it was no use. Once again, Bowser has made another successful kidnapping of the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom.
"GWAHAHA!" Bowser laughed triumphantly in response to the narrator.
Well, here we go again. Peach thought.
Later, at Bowser's castle, Peach was placed in a dungeon cell.
"Got you again, Peachy," Bowser purred, placing a claw under Peach's chin flirtatiously. Letting out an annoyed scowl, Peach folded her arms.
"Don't you ever get tired of the same routine?"
"What do you mean?"
"You show up unannounced to my kingdom, capture me, and take me back to your kingdom, wait for the Mario Bros to kick your spiny rear end, then they take me home, and after a while, the process starts all over again. It's been that way for years. It doesn't even frighten me anymore; now it just irritates me."
Bowser tapped his chin in thought.
"That gives me an idea. Alice! Bob!" The two usual guard koopas saluted him. "Keep an eye on Peachy for about half-an-hour or so."
Taking their usual place at the front of the cell door, Bowser left them.
Wayyyyy at the top of the castle in the attic was a computer: rarely used. Carefully sitting down on the stool, Bowser turned the computer on, and waited for the internet. Once it opened, he typed in the bar:
"vacation homes for sale"
Sure enough, there were vacation homes all over the worlds. Some of the quietest and affordable ones were in World 11: Dark World. That was probably because very few dared to venture into it. It was usually just a place for wealthy villains to get some peace and quiet from their irritating arch-enemies. The website he went to was even having a sale: there was even one that was perfect for the two of them, and it was just 1000 coins!
He could see it now:
So he'd have to start off busting in and carrying her off like usual, but then! Then he would get to surprise her! Totally new scenery, somewhere where the Mario Bros would never think to look for her! Then, after many years of a difficult, distant marriage, they could finally spend a nice honeymoon alone. It didn't have to be long: maybe just a weekend or so. They wouldn't be missed long. Time away together just might change everything!
Yes, admittedly, very little was different since their wedding day. If one thing was for sure, she was definitely right about that "routine" thing. Then a thought occurred to him:
Does she even remember marrying me?
Getting up and walking over to an old cabinet, he carefully removed a frame, covered in foam for protection:
CERTIFICATE OF MARRIAGE
This certifies that
King Bowser Koopa of the Koopa Kingdom and Princess Peach Toadstool-Koopa of the Mushroom Kingdom
Were united in marriage on this day:
The 9th of April in the year 2007.
This marriage was witnessed and celebrated by
Count Bleck, Nastasia, Dimentio, Mimi, O'Chunks, and the members of the Koopa and Mushroom Kingdom.
Of course, in Peach's defense: Bleck's right hand woman kept brainwashing/hypnotizing her every so often. It may have done something to screw with her memory. but that didn't matter. He would just remind her when the time was right. Maybe not this morning though; she seemed a bit...irritable, this time around.
Putting the certificate back in its foam casing and replacing it in the cabinet, Bowser decided it was time to get back to his lovely wife before she tried anything she might regret. She's developed a nasty habit of sneaking around and looking for ways out over the years.
*MEANWHILE...IN THE DUNGEON*
Peach thought that Bowser was certainly taking longer than usual to keep an eye on her. Not that she was complaining, of course. Still, just sitting in this cell was getting boring. It was a good thing Peach brought a packet of cigarettes (her friend, Rosalina's, custom, hand-made brand) and her fancy golden cigarette holder to keep her busy.
"Oh, damn it," she said, briefly slipping out of her usual lady-like nature. "I forgot my lighter at home."
"Allow me, your highness," Alice offered. Taking the cigarette holder, she used the torch to light it before handing it back.
"Thanks." Sucking on the tip, Peach began to feel more relaxed. Her body felt heavier, though. Metal began to overtake her, her whole being sparkling brightly in the dim light of the dungeon. She now dubbed herself,
SPARKLY ROSEGOLD PEACH!
"Woah! What's that light coming from down there?" A young voice came from down the hallway.
"Papa said Mama Peach was coming to stay today..."
"Is that her?"
"Mama Peach? Are you down here?"
"You know, Peach, we'll let you out to see your kids if you promise not to run," Bob said.
"She's here?!"
"She's here," the koopa confirmed. Taking a puff, Peach prepared herself. She already knew it was no use in hiding from the Koopalings.
"Yes, alright. I guess it's better than sitting in this stupid cell, anyway."
Freed from the cell, Peach stepped up to see the cluster of misshapen Koopas across from her.
"MAMA PEACH!" They squealed happily, rushing to embrace her in a group hug. Luckily, her new metallic form kept her from being crushed under the weight of all that affection.
Peach was tempted to remind them that she wasn't their mother, or even their stepmother, but she knew they only acted this way because Bowser convinced these poor kids that one way or another, she was in a relationship with Bowser, and therefore, some sort of mother-figure.
"Hey, Mama?" Lemmy looked up at her with innocent dark eyes.
"Yes, dear?"
"MAKE US BREAKFAST!" Morton Jr. shouted.
"We're hungry!" Roy added.
"Goodness! Have you no manners?" Peach scolded.
"But Mama-!" Wendy whined.
"We're like, really super-duper-duper-duper-duper-duper hungry!" Larry moaned.
"Yes! We're positively famished!" Ludwig von Koopa exclaimed.
"We are in need of our daily morning nutrition as soon as possible!" Iggy added.
"Guys! Guys, chill," Bowser Jr. said, breaking up the group. "At least give our mom some space to breathe. By the way, you uh, dropped your cigarette...thingy." Bowser Jr. handed her the golden cigarette holder, the cigarette at the end now burnt out. Shrugging, she simply relit it on the torch, and took another puff.
"So...no breakfast?" Morton asked, disappointed. Peach's stomach growled. She was too busy to eat breakfast back at the Mushroom Kingdom, so she was feeling a bit peckish herself.
"...Fine, I'll make breakfast."
"YAY!" The koopalings cheered.
*15 MINUTES LATER...*
The flame on the stove took a rosy-gold color when Peach lit her cigarette with it. It was a very large stove, enough to handle several pans and skillets at a time: enough to feed a royal family of nine (well, ten. If you count her frequent "visits".)
Setting the pancake pan on it, she began to scoop the batter onto it. She took out two large skillets, one for the bacon, one for the eggs. The toast she was making would go in the toasters.
"Mmm...it sure smells...eggsellent...in here!"
BA DAH, TSSS!
"Ha, ha," Peach's voice was tinged with dry sarcasm as she placed the bacon and eggs in their skillets.
"Heh, heh. Sorry. Had to say it. But, uh, we really appreciate you doing this for us, honey," Bowser said, sitting down on a stool. "Me and the kids always enjoy your cooking. Especially a good breakfast at the...baconning...of the day!"
BA DAH, TSSS!
"Knock it off, Bowser." Peach turned the pancakes over.
"What? I'm just messin' with ya. Besides, I don't see why it's anything to get so...flipped out...about!"
BA DAH, TSSS!
"Seriously, stop it." Peach started putting everything on plates. The toast was almost ready, so she decided now was a good time to get the butter and syrup for the pancakes. She smiled at the satisfaction of watching the syrup and butter melt onto the pancakes.
"If you ask me, you should be more like that butter and syrup, and just...go with the flow!"
BA DAH, TSSS!
"Make one more stupid breakfast pun, so help me..."
Spring!
Peach found herself interrupted by the toast springing out of the toasters. Taking an annoyed puff of her cigarette, the toast joined everything else on the breakfast plates.
"I already know we're great together, but you know what would make us even better? If I were like toast, and you were a toaster."
"I'm going to regret asking, but...what do you mean?"
Bowser wrapped his arms behind her seductively.
"I think I'd be really...hot inside of you."
BA DAH-
SMASH!
Peach sent Bowser FLYING through the roof with a frying pan!
"TOTALLY WORTH IIIIiiiit-!" The Koopa King yelled before vanishing as a twinkle in the sky.
"...Uh...Mama Peach?" Bowser Jr. was on the other side of the kitchen door. "...I heard something. Is everything okay?" Peach tapped the colorful, sparkly ash off of the edge of her cigarette.
"It is now," Peach folded her arms. Bowser Jr.'s eyes drifted to the frying pan in her hands, then to a Bowser-shaped hole in the ceiling.
"What'd he do this time?"
"Nothing you need to worry about. Now go tell your siblings breakfast is ready."
"Great! Sounds...peachy!"
BA DAH-
"Keep that up, and both of you are next!" Peach exclaimed, waving her frying pan warningly to Bowser Jr. and the invisible bad pun drummer.
*1 HOUR LATER...*
"PEACHY! I'M BACK!" Peach nearly choked on her cigarette holder, startled at Bowser's voice. It was only about a minute-and-a-half when he made his way up to the balcony she was sitting at. "Oh, good. You're still here. I was a bit worried for a sec there...thought the Loser Bros just helped themselves."
"If they're losers, why do they keep beating you?" she asked, raising an eyebrow questioningly.
"BWAH! Sure, they beat me at a lot of things, but I bet there's one thing they couldn't beat me at!"
"Oh? And what's that?"
"GO CHEEP CHEEP!" Bowser pulled a fresh deck of cards from his hammerspace. "I picked them up on my way back. I challenge you to a game!"
"...Fine. At this point, I'm just looking to kill the time."
"Do you have a six?"
The cigarette at the end of the golden cigarette holder makes smoke in the shape of a Cheep Cheep. A moment later, it makes smoke in the shape of a 6, then a "?".
"Go cheep-cheep."
BOOM! SMASH THROUGH THE WALL!
"AW, WHAT THE HECK?!" Bowser roared. "I JUST HAD THAT FIXED!"
Lighting up two bomb-ombs in her hands, Fire Tanooki Daisy tossed one each at Bowser and Peach across the room, and ran while there was smoke.
Note to self: Peach thought, facepalming herself. You're going to need some bailout money once you get out of here. I already have plenty of money...but I'm sure Bowser wouldn't notice if I took hardly more than a small fortune. She decided with a mischievous smile on her face.
Feeling weaker, her metallic flesh began turning back to skin.
"...Bowser, darling?" Peach began in her sweetest voice. "My cigarette's burned out and it's still fairly new. Any chance you could re-light it?"
"Well, of course! Anything for you, Peachy!" Bowser took a deep breath in, a light burning at the back of his throat.
"Oh, dear, that's not really what I mea-"
"BWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" A LARGE, FIREY BURST SENDS PEACH FLYING!
SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!
(...Through five walls.)
"...Mama...?"
"Mama Peach...?"
"Mother, wake up!"
"Do you think she's dead?!"
"No, she's breathing."
"Yeah, her cigarette's still lit, she's still metal, and there's smoke coming out of her mouth."
"Oh! Wait! I think she's waking up!"
"Mama?" The first face Peach saw in the group of soot-covered Koopalings was Bowser Jr. "Are you okay?"
"Ungh..." a blackened Sparkly Rosegold Peach wasn't looking so sparkly anymore, "...ugh!" She tried to shoot starbits to free herself from the cannon she found herself in, but with no prevail. "I think my foot's stuck."
"Hmm..." Tapping his chin, Iggy Koopa got a small flashlight from his hammerspace, and tried to get a good view of her foot through what space there was in the cannon.
"OH NO! PEACHY!" Bowser rushed in. "ARE YOU OKAY?"
"...I'm afraid it doesn't look good. Those weak of stomach may wish to cover their eyes or leave the room..." Iggy pulled a saw out of his hammerspace inventory and held it up in the air. "...I WILL HAVE TO AMPUTATE!"
"WHAT?!" Peach squeaked.
DUN. DUN. DUNNNNNN-!
"Hey! Since when did we get an organ in here?" Bowser asked out loud. A sheepish Ludwig Von Koopa closed the keyboard.
"You guys do know we could just fire her out of the cannon, right?" Bowser Jr. asked. Iggy slowly lowered his saw as a disappointed frown fell across his face.
"...Or...that too...I guess..." he mumbled.
"Allow me." Bowser took another deep breath.
"Um, Bowser, that's not necess-"
"BWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
SSSSSS...
"Oh no."
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!
PEACH GOT SENT FLYING UNTIL SHE TURNED INTO A TWINKLE INTO THE SKY!
"Huh? Where am I?" The princess wondered aloud. She appeared to be in some sort of observatory.
"Hello, Peach. It is nice to see you again," a princess in a blue dress turned towards her.
"Hello, Rosalina. Why do you have a cannon? Is that new?"
"It's my job to send people back when they get shot flying as a 'twinkle' in the sky," Rosalina explained. "There have been an awful lot of those today."
"...Daisy?"
"Yes. About...maybe ninety-eight of them. You're going to need bail money, you know."
"I know," Peach said, taking a puff of her cigarette.
"Would you like me to send you back?" Rosalina asked.
"Bowser's holding me hostage. I'm in no hurry."
"I understand," Rosalina said. Using her cosmic powers, she pulled up two chairs, gesturing for Peach to sit in one. Taking the seat opposite to her, she pulled out an identical golden cigarette holder with one of her hand-made cigarettes at the tip. "I believe it's time for a well-earned smoke break anyway."
"So, I remember Daisy said she was getting a new tennis court installed...perhaps if you find the time, you would like to come down and test it out with us?" Peach offered.
"Yes. I did hear about that," Sparkly Platinum Rosalina said. "It sounds wonderful. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be able to have much free-time for a month or so your time. Protector-of-space stuff. You understand, right?"
"Oh, of course. It will probably take a month to finish installing anyway. I'm sure Daisy wouldn't mind either."
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
A faded cheer came from the distance:
"WOOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! Hi, I'm Daisy!"
"Speak of the devil..." Peach sighed. "I better go back. I think the Mario Bros will be beating Bowser soon, and will be rather worried if I'm not there."
"Very well. Off you go then."
Peach hopped inside the Cosmic Cannon.
"Are you ready?"
"As I'll ever be. Thanks again for the extra cigarettes."
"Of course. My side-business has been rather slow, so I have more than I know what to do with anyway." Taking her cigarette out of her mouth, she lit the cosmic cannon with her cigarette. "Until we meet again, my friend!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Noooo! Defeated again..." A beat-up Bowser groaned. Mario picked him up by the shoulders and slapped him.
"Enough'a screwin' around, you overgrown turtle!"
"Yeah! What did you'a do with the Princess?" Luigi demanded.
"Hello, boys." A blackened, but back-to-normal Peach stood at the doorway of the Final Boss Room. "Looking for me?"
"Thank'a goodness you're alright!" Mario exclaimed. Luigi sighed in relief.
"Why are you covered in soot?" Luigi asked.
"Oh, that's not important," Peach waved her hand dismissively. "Now that all that's over, let's go home."
"Let'sa go!" Mario dashed from the room, glad he could now finally just cheat and use a warp-pipe to get everyone home, just like they did the end of every game.
Luigi and Peach followed him. Once they were in the hallway, Luigi almost ran off, but remembering a question he had, he turned to the Princess.
"Uh, Peach? About Daisy..."
"I know. I know." Peach took a small bag of stol-, er, borrowed gold out from her inventory. "I'm already one step ahead of you."
Groaning, Bowser got up. At least he didn't blow up or fall into lava this time. Looking at the door, he smiled. Why?
He was smiling because even though his wife sent him flying into space with a frying pan, (making him miss breakfast as a result), several of his expensive castle walls got broken (again), and he was defeated by those Pesky Mario Bros., he knew it wasn't the last time he'd ever have the beautiful Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom within his grasp. And next time he had her, she would be all his.
If he just got a chance to show her his romantic, charming, laid-back and fun-loving side, she'd finally realize he's not such a bad guy. And not even that, but an even better guy than that loser plumber she dates.
And then...then...she'd never want to leave him. He'd have yet another kingdom under his grasp, all the love he had for her would finally be mutual, and maybe, even best of all...he'd never...ever have to deal with those moustached morons...ever again!
"BWAH, HAH, HA!" Bowser laughed evilly.
DUN. DUN. DUNNNNNN-!
"Oh, knock it off, Ludwig!" Bowser Jr. put his hands on his hips.
"What? It adds dramatic flair!"