A/N: I live! In other news, winter hiatus + birthday + glee season 3 on DVD = this…thing. It's brotherly Furt because some days the leap that was made in canon with that relationship still boggles the mind. So. Took much longer to finish than anticipated (thank you, university), but it's finally done! Thanks again to everyone who favored and followed my last story Little Things. You guys rock! Enjoy and Review!
Also a quick warning: mentions of suicide, assault, and all the stuff surrounding Karovsky and Kurt.
Disclaimer: Don't Own Glee
20/20
Summary: In hindsight, it's so obvious that Kurt knew.
Note: Set during 3x14 On My Way.
Finn knows that he's not the brightest crayon in the box. He has an easy point of comparison as he calls some of the smartest people in McKinley close friends. Plus, he's well aware of what he views as his own pitfalls. Welcome to high school, after all. So, no. The fact that he is somewhat lacking in the smarts department isn't difficult to figure out.
He finds schoolwork challenging. Music theory and notation often leave him completely bamboozled. And he knows—he knows—he's not the most observant guy around. But he's not a simpleton, despite what he knows a lot of people think. He does actually work hard to make sure his grades are at least passible, if not decent. Rachel is always willing to help him out if any of the music stuff they're working on in Glee is beyond him, in fact she relishes those times when she can pass on her 'expertise'. When he does notice something wrong with one of his friends, he tries to do something about it. And when he doesn't notice—which happens, he's only human and high school is hard enough—he tries to make up for it; to still help if his friends will let him.
Which is why he is opting to skip class to hunt down his wayward step-brother.
Kurt had barely set foot in the choir room before Mercedes had cornered him, both of them really, with the latest McKinley gossip/news (white boy, you will not believe what I heard…) which sent Kurt fleeing back out into the hallway. Blaine, who had been perched by the door waiting for them to arrive, had bolted after his boyfriend before anyone else had managed to register that Kurt was gone. Once the realization had hit him, Finn—and several others including Puck of all people—had wanted to go after Kurt, but Mr. Schue intervened before any of them even got close to the door.
"Leave them be, guys," he said, before reminding them that his door was always open if any of them needed to talk.
Finn barely registered the bell ringing a warning to get to class. He got up and mechanically shuffled out the door along with the rest of the Glee club as they whispered about the tragic news and tried to wrap their heads around it. At least Finn was—is—still trying to.
Since nothing at McKinley stayed secret for long, the news was already buzzing around school when homeroom let out. From what Finn could tell, the reactions of the student body were mixed and largely conflicted. The only thing anyone seemed to agree upon was that no one had seen it coming. Finn hadn't. Neither had Kurt for that matter…
Jesus, Kurt.
It wasn't until first period was over that Finn saw Blaine again and noticed his step-brother's absence. He waved down the younger boy as Blaine exited his English class blearily, clearly having other things on his mind.
Blaine caught Finn's gesture though and stopped by a row of lockers as he waited for Finn to approach to him.
"Dude," Finn said, making sure to keep his voice low, "What the hell happened? Is Kurt alright?"
Blaine grimaced, "I can't tell you. And no, he isn't."
Finn blinked at him for a moment. How was he supposed to respond to that? He decided to focus on his concern for Kurt. That was the bigger issue after all. As a brother, Finn had a lot of ground to cover. One dance didn't suddenly make up for all the times he hadn't been there for Kurt the first time around. Time to start mending fences.
"Where is he?" he asked.
Blaine sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "He wants to be alone right now. He's feeling…well… he's just not sure how to deal with all of this right now."
Finn could only imagine. What were you supposed to feel when you found out your ex-tormenter was also gay and had tried to kill himself? And did it make you an awful person if part of you was kind of glad about it? Not that Finn thought that Kurt was glad, but… Finn had never liked Karovsky. Even before he joined Glee Club. And afterwards his dislike had only increased. He'd thought some terrible things about Karovsky over the last few years, but he didn't actually want anything to happen to the guy… did he? The entire situation was fucked up. It made Finn's head hurt trying to sort it all out. If it was this bad for Finn, then Kurt must… Finn gave himself a firm mental shake. Focus on Kurt.
"So where's he hiding?" he asked again.
"I already told you," Blaine replied, a hint of warning in his tone, "He wants to be left alone for a bit."
"I get that," he nodded, "I just don't think he should be by himself right now."
In the end, it had taken Finn almost fifteen minutes to wheedle Kurt's location out of Blaine. Even then, he was pretty sure Blaine had only told him out of desperation rather than due to his 'convincing' argument. Blaine seemed like he was willing to do just about anything to get Kurt to come out of hiding.
Finn frowns as he exits through the schools back doors and heads for the bleachers. The February air is still biting as the last bits of winter try to maintain their grasp on Lima. Finn can still see his breath puff out in front of him as he walks towards the bleachers and ducks under them to look for Kurt. He sees Kurt sitting on the concrete under the middle section and quickly makes his way over to him.
When he gets close enough to get a good look at Kurt he's not sure what to think anymore.
His first thought is that Kurt must be freezing. He's only wearing a light jacket and a thin scarf, but for whatever reason Kurt seems unaffected by the cold. His eyes are red and puffy and Finn doesn't need to see the tear tracks on his face to know he's been crying. But what really tips Finn off to the magnitude of Kurt's distress is that he's sprawled out on the dirty concrete with nothing separating his clothes from the ground. Even when Kurt's been raging mad—something Finn is often responsible for—Kurt is always aware of his environment in regard to his clothes. Finn's learned that it's just part of who his step-brother is. Kurt's blatant disregard for his clothes right now may seem trivial or shallow even, but to Finn it speaks volumes.
Finn Hudson is many things, but stupid isn't one of them.
He stops when he gets right next to Kurt. For all that he was insistent that he needed to find Kurt and make sure that he was okay, Finn is unsure of what to do now that he's here. Both of them remain silent as Finn struggles to find the words. The awkwardness, which seems palpable to Finn, doesn't seem to bother Kurt. He keeps his eyes fixed on some invisible point in front of him, not even so much as blinking to acknowledge Finn's presence. Eventually the silence becomes unbearable for Finn. He says the first thing that comes to mind.
"I can leave if you want."
Blaine was right, he thinks, as he awaits Kurt's answer. Kurt doesn't want company. Even if he did what could I say that Blaine hasn't said already? Finn shuffles his feet and turns to leave when he catches Kurt giving a small shake of his head.
Finn is momentarily floored by the movement. Finn half expected him to remain non-responsive. But Kurt wants him to stay, so stay he will.
He drops to the ground next to Kurt and sits with his back against the same support beam Kurt is leaning against. Finn pulls his knees to his chest to ward off the chills as the silence stretches between them. Kurt doesn't say anything. Finn waits, but Kurt offers up nothing. With a sigh, Finn knows that it's going to be his job to coax the words out of Kurt.
"You okay now?" he asks.
It takes maybe half a second for Finn to register what he's said. He winces as he replays the words in his head. God, think Hudson. He glances at Kurt out of the corner of his eye. The counter-tenor's eyes are still fixed on that invisible spot, but he blinks and lets out a shuttering breath.
"No," he says in a thick voice.
It's possibly the saddest thing Finn's ever heard. But the response makes him feel like less of an idiot. At least Kurt's talking to him now.
"Why?" he continues, genuinely curious. Karovsky made Kurt's life miserable, made it so unsafe for Kurt at McKinley that he had to transfer schools. If Finn were Kurt he wasn't sure he'd be happy per se about what happened to Karovsky, but he knows he wouldn't be sad.
The question seems to jerk Kurt out of his thoughts because for the first time all morning, he turns wide-eyed to look at Finn.
"God, Finn, he's a human being!" Kurt says, his voice laced with distress. "I don't want him dead. He's just so confused. And alone. And God, he has to be terrified. He doesn't have anyone. And I can't imagine… Shit. This is all my fault. I'm so selfish. So fucking selfish. If I'd just done something; bothered to pick up my damn phone—"
Finn is reeling by the time Kurt trails off. His words are frantic and rushed and thy leave Finn feeling even more confused than he was before. What the hell is Kurt talking about?
Unsure entirely of what Kurt's saying, he decides to zone in on the clearest and still most troubling part of Kurt's outburst. "How is any of this your fault?" he asks, puzzled. "Karovsky made your life hell on earth, Kurt. I know you forgave him and everything, but dude, he threatened to kill you. The guy had some serious problems man. This isn't your fault."
Kurt lets out a humorless laugh. "You wouldn't say that if you knew..." he mutters, darkly. "If you had any idea…"
A part of Finn—and it's a small part, but there nonetheless—is starting to regret coming after Kurt. He's more confused than ever and something about this conversation is sending chills down his spine. He has no idea what's happening to Kurt, but it's scaring him, hearing his normally so put together step-brother talk like this. Finn is not stupid. Something here is very wrong. The longer he sits with Kurt, the more aware of it he becomes. If only he could figure it out, dammit.
But what links Kurt and Karovsky—other than the obvious? As far as Finn is aware they haven't had any contact since Karovsky transferred. Hell the last time they even saw each other was prom. Which—now that Finn thinks about the reason he's out here in the cold with Kurt—explains why the guy panicked when Kurt was named Prom Queen. Finn probably would have panicked too in that case.
It still doesn't explain why Kurt thinks this whole mess is his fault.
"It's not your fault, dude," Finn reiterates, placing what he hopes is a comforting hand on Kurt's shoulder. Because… well, it's just not. Karovsky was messed up; he had to have been to put Kurt through all that given the circumstances. Karovsky's fucked up headspace is most definitely not Kurt's fault. "No one knew about Karovsky. Hell, he didn't even tell his friends, so why would he have told you? You didn't know, man, you can't keep beating yourself up over it."
Kurt flinches as if Finn's physically struck him. The gesture doesn't go unnoticed.
"Dude?" Finn asks, brow furrowed. God what is he still missing?
Kurt opens his mouth. Freezes. Lets out a rushed breath. Tries again.
"That's not…" he pauses to wrap his arms tightly around himself and hunches his shoulders, causing Finn's hand to drop off his shoulder. Finn recognizes the gesture. It's one Kurt used to make a lot before they were brothers, before they were friends. It's meant to make him look smaller; compressing himself as tightly as he can so that he might go unnoticed. Might be spared the day's torment. Might just become invisible. Might just stop existing all together to keep from having to face what's in front of him. Guilt sweeps quickly through Finn. It's been a long time since he's seen Kurt look like that. His step-brother takes a deep breath before speaking again.
"That's not actually true," he says, voice clear, but still so small sounding.
"What's not true?" Finn asks, already prepared to shoot down any notions of blame Kurt may try to convince him of. Finn will do this until he's blue in the face if he has to.
"Me. Not knowing about Karovsky," Kurt says, his entire body tense, "That's not actually true."
Finn just stares at him. Jesus, what is he supposed to say to that? Luckily Kurt doesn't need a response, and keeps talking.
"I've known for a while now. Almost a year and a half, actually," he admits. He holds his body tight, never allowing it to relax, like he's bracing himself for an impact.
"You didn't—I mean, how—" Finn struggles to find the words. His brain is in complete disarray. When did the world suddenly stop making sense? He finally settles on a question.
"Why didn't you tell anyone?
"I told Blaine," he says, which only makes Finn roll his eyes.
"I mean when you first found out," he says, anger leaking into his voice. If Kurt's known about Karovsky this whole time then he could have stopped it. Told Karovsky to leave him the hell alone. God, it was just so damn frustrating.
"We could've made him lay off… or… or… or something, man." Finn continues, "If you'd told someone before things got bad then you wouldn't have had to leave."
Kurt scowls, "I did tell someone, Finn. I told Blaine."
Finn opens his mouth to reiterate his point when Kurt's words catch up with him. He told Blaine. Not today. Hell, not even recently. He told Blaine back when all this started. But that would mean…
"When exactly did this all start?" he demands trying to keep his voice under control.
Kurt lets out a tired sigh, "Right about the time you all sent me to Dalton to spy on the Warblers." Finn grimaces. He remembers that. Not one of the Glee Club's finer moments. It was also right about the time the bullying was getting bad, which none of them realized until after the fact. Still staring straight ahead, Kurt continues.
"I found out he was gay after that. I was… shocked to say the least. Horrified too at the time. It just… didn't seem real."
"How'd you find out then?" Finn asks, keeping Kurt from retreating into his head. Obviously Karovsky hadn't told Kurt, had he just known then? (Is that a gay thing? But then wouldn't Kurt have known sooner? How does that work?) There is so much that Finn doesn't know, has never been comfortable enough to ask. Now he wishes he had. This whole conversation is starting to give him a headache.
Kurt hesitates before reluctantly responding.
"He kissed me," he says.
There's a moment of utter silence following that statement, and then Finn sees red.
"What the fuck?" he whispers, straightening up and turning to fully face Kurt. His step-brother now has his eyes firmly fixed on the ground in front of him, but Finn is not letting this go.
"Jesus, Kurt," he says, trying to wrap his head around the implications. That's just… just… Fuck. Finn gets it. Or at least he thinks he does but… he thought… with girls, he knows that sometimes guys get… and, and he knows, god he knows what it probably means but he never thought… it never occurred to him… just… "Fuck. Why didn't you say anything?" he asks, desperate for Kurt to tell him it's not what he thinks.
Kurt just shrugs, "You wouldn't understand."
Finn wants to refute Kurt's words, wants to tell him that it's not true. But he can't. It would be a lie, and they both would know it. He doesn't understand and he knows that but. But.
Finn's okay with Kurt now. Being gay is just a part of who his step-brother is. Finn knows this, accepts it. But until now he'd never wanted to get any deeper into it. He accepts it. That's always been enough. But.
He does get it, why Kurt never told any of them, why he told Blaine and only Blaine, despite the fact that he was almost a complete stranger. They all accept Kurt. They all care about Kurt. But Finn realizes that none of them could understand and help Kurt like Blaine could. Blaine, who keeps his anger at the world tightly concealed away from prying eyes. Blaine, who got the shit beaten out of him for no real reason at all. Blaine, who took up boxing so that no one could ever hurt him again, so that he would never be a victim ever again. Of course Kurt told Blaine, who else would he have turned to?
But.
"Make me understand," he says, barely registering his own words as Kurt jerks his head around to look at him.
"W-What?" his voice is breathless and colored by disbelief. Finn doesn't want to think about why Kurt is so surprised at his words. It hurts too much.
"You said that I wouldn't understand. And you're right, I get that, I think. So try to help my understand it."
Kurt says nothing for several seconds—minutes, days, weeks, the silence just stretches on and on—until his whole body just sags and he closes his eyes. Finn just stares at him, waiting. It's probably the first time Kurt has ever had his full attention. He's so focused on his step-brother that he almost jumps when Kurt actually begins speaking.
"I'm not going to try and tell you what it's like," he begins, "I just, I don't have the words to describe it. The best way to put it into perspective is to remember that when we go back inside you get to kiss Rachel, and hold her hand, and tell her that she's beautiful, and tell her how much you love her. I don't get that. If some people had their way I never would. So even though we both have people we love, I don't get to do those things with Blaine. I don't get to tell him what I really think and feel about him, at least not where other people can see."
Finn nods to show he's still listening. This part he knows. He gets this. You can only go on so many double dates and sit across from the same people so many times before it dawns on you that although they sit close together, they never voluntarily touch each other if it can be avoided. Finn did notice, eventually. When he asked Rachel about it she just gave him a small smile and a soft kiss and told him to think about it. He didn't like the answers he came up with.
"When I found out Karovsky was gay I…" Kurt pauses to collect himself, "…I just couldn't. I'm really lucky, you know?" he says turning to face Finn.
"I really am. For all the shit that I've gone through someone has always been there. I've always been accepted for who I am. Even before I came out I had Dad, and then afterwards I still had him, then Glee, and Blaine, and… nothing really changed after I came out. As much as the assumptions used to bother me, all that really changed was that I was honest with myself and everyone around me. And while that was colossal for me, it wasn't to anyone else. I still got slushied, still got tossed into dumpsters, still got called homo or fag, still got harassed. Coming out didn't change that or stop the important people in my life from loving me."
"But Karovsky… God. He has so much to lose, Finn. So much. And not just the stupid high school shit. His parents don't—didn't—know. Based on how he treated me I would guess that they're not particularly accepting. I can't imagine a world where my dad would stop loving me because I want to one day marry a boy instead of a girl, but for Karovsky… that's his reality. Can you imagine? What must it be like to realize that your own parents have conditions for their love and you no longer meet them? I don't think I'd be brave enough to come out either."
Even though he's listening intently to Kurt speak, Finn's mind is whirling at a speed that scares him. The more he listens, the more he watches as things just fall right into place. In hindsight, it's so obvious that Kurt knew. Kurt has never been one to put up with the kind of crap Karovsky had given him for so long. He fights back. Not in the physical sense, but through other means. His clothes, his superior attitude, his talents, his intelligence. As much as they are his armor, they are also his best weapons. Finn's seen this. But all bets are off when Kurt decides to put someone else first.
The fact that Kurt could actually care even just a little bit about Karovsky's well-being while all this shit was going on astounds Finn. He doesn't think he'll ever really comprehend it—how can someone just do something like that for someone they hate? But Kurt is trying to explain it, so he's going to try his damnedest to understand.
"When he kissed me," Kurt continues, "And I knew with absolute certainty that he was gay, I just… I couldn't out him. Not when I understood better than anyone the full implications of it. I tried to talk to him about it, but he wasn't interested. He wanted to pretend that it hadn't happened. I was still terrified of him, of what he could do to me, but… I thought for the longest time if I could just get him to talk about it I could… I don't know, help him maybe? Or at least offer some kind of support? And I thought that if I did that he might finally leave me alone, finally stop tormenting me. At last I would be able to walk down the hallway without checking around corners for him, or wondering if he would be waiting for me by my locker."
Kurt pauses. Breathes. Takes a minute. Collects himself. Continues.
"He liked me, you know, as twisted as it sounds. But he couldn't show it, didn't know how. So it got… warped. He pushed me so that he could touch me. He intimidated me so he could be near me. Can you imagine it? Liking someone so much but being so repressed that you didn't realize that you were hurting them? Mistaking that kind of torment for love?"
No, Finn couldn't. And the whole concept was goddamn frightening to him. Kurt had endured that?
"That was the worst part. He actually liked me, in his own way. You remember those cards from Valentine's Day? The ones from my 'Secret Admirer'?" Kurt asks, but continues on without waiting for a response, "They were from Karovsky. He met me at Breadstix's before Sugar's party. He told me he thought he loved me. I told him I was flattered, but I wasn't in love with him. How can I be when I love Blaine so much? But even though I was as nice as I could be, it was still a rejection. And then this guy who went to his school saw us and probably heard us. And Karovsky just ran out of there, and he was so scared… then he tried to call me…. Again and again… But I didn't pick up. I couldn't. I was so confused, and upset, and I just. I ignored him. All week. And then this, just… God how is this not my fault?"
It took Finn a moment to realize Kurt had dissolved into tears. Without giving it a second thought he wrapped his arm around him, and tried to order his thoughts.
Kurt was right. He would never really understand. He couldn't. The entire situation was so far removed from anything he ever had, or would experience. But he understood better now. Not completely, not even partially. Simply better. And that was important.
"Kurt, it's not your fault," he says again. "Yeah, maybe you could've done things differently, but we all could've. You didn't make Karovsky's family the way they are, you didn't make him com—" Finn can't make himself say those words, he can't "—do that. Karovsky made his own choices, Kurt. The way I see it you helped more than you realize. You could've told everyone Kurt, it would've been better for you if you did. But you didn't, man. This isn't your fault. You—you did good."
It took Finn a moment to identify the feeling sitting in his chest as Kurt tried to pull himself together. He was… proud. He was proud of Kurt. Proud of what he did, even if he was also hurt that Kurt hadn't felt he could tell any of them about it. But that got Finn thinking back to his own life during that year. He understood it better now having heard Kurt recount the year. And while he was glad, he could also feel the hot shame of it creeping up his spine. God, his concerns about being popular and well liked seemed so stupid when he was faced with something like this.
"Stop it," Kurt sniffs softly, jolting Finn away from his thoughts.
"Huh?"
"Stop beating yourself up over this," he clarifies, lightly pushing Finn away and reaching over to his bag to pull out a tissue. "If this isn't my fault then it can't be yours either. I didn't tell you, Finn, I didn't tell anyone except Blaine, so stop making it your responsibility."
Finn grimaces. Kurt's the one who doesn't understand now. Finn's the leader. It doesn't matter that Kurt kept it a secret, Finn should have known. Hell he should have at least noticed. That's part of what being a leader is. But he didn't. He was too wrapped up in his own problems and insecurities. After hearing all of this… after thinking about what Kurt had to go through… Finn feels about four inches tall right now.
"I'm serious," Kurt says, pausing to blow his nose, "I didn't want people to know. Not if I had to tell them. That's partially my fault. Part of it was that I didn't think you all would understand, I still don't think you all can. But I still should have given you all the chance. Blaine's told me that often enough. But it's also… It's not the whole story. It—It wasn't just for Karovsky. I just… I didn't want anyone to know. I mean how do you even tell someone that? Especially since, you know, I'm a guy? Double standards and all that bullshit. God, the things people would say and do, and—and my dad, God, it just. It wasn't all for Karovsky. I didn't want anyone to know either."
"Liar," Finn says, barely registering the words leaving his mouth. "You may not have said anything dude, but now that I know and when I think about it… Man, you were practically screaming for us to notice."
Kurt shrugs a little too casually, "It's irrelevant now."
Finn scowls, "No it's not, man. Obviously it's not or you wouldn't be sitting out here."
Kurt turns to Finn, startled. Finn gets why, he knows he's not particularly observant. But he has a lot of time to make up for, he might as well start now.
"Look man, I get you not wanting to tell us, but we still should have noticed. I should have noticed. We all knew you got it worse than the rest of us, and we just… we just assumed that was why you were so upset last year. We didn't think it was something like… like—"
"I know, Finn," Kurt interrupts. "I know. Like I said, double standards. No one expects a guy to be… assaulted like that. No one's looking for it. Even if you noticed I was having a tough time, you couldn't have known, any of you."
Kurt's words are comforting, but they don't shake the feelings of 'should' that permeate the air between them. Despite all his step-brother has said, Finn just can't let it go.
"I'm gonna make up for it," he says, watching Kurt stuff the pack of tissues back into his bag.
"You don't have to do that," he says, closing his bag and pulling it into his lap.
"I know," Finn says. And he does know. But it's not a matter of what Kurt thinks of him. It's about what he thinks of himself. It's going to take time before he forgives himself for being too wrapped up in his own life to look beyond himself. Seven billion people in the world. He can't look out for all of them, but he can make damn sure he starts looking out for the ones that are important to him.
He hears the bell in the distance and glances down at his watch. They've missed the rest of morning classes, it's already lunch time. Finn pushes himself off the ground and stretches his cold muscles.
"You ready to go back in there?" he asks, offering Kurt a hand up.
Kurt looks at it for a moment, biting his lip. "I still feel responsible," he says, looking past Finn and to the school building. "Even after everything, I keep thinking there's something I could have done."
Finn nods. It shouldn't be surprising. If it's going to take Finn sometime to forgive himself then it's probably going to take Kurt even longer. But he's going to look out for his step-brother better this time. He's going to notice this time. And he's going to start now.
"Maybe telling the others would help?" he suggests. He does think they'll want to know after all. Glee club is like a family. They do care, in their own way.
Kurt looks at him for a moment, considering his words. Finn can almost see Kurt turning them over in his mind before he reaches out his own hand to grasp Finn's. Finn pulls him up and Kurt grabs his bag once he's standing, settling the leather strap over his jacket. He closes his eyes and takes a slow, deep breath, as if steeling himself for the task ahead. Then he opens his eyes, gives himself a shake, and makes his way purposely towards the school building.
Finn watches him go for a moment before strapping a bit of steel to his own spine and following behind him. They'll get through this. All of them. They are nothing if not resilient.
A/N: Please drop me a review and tell me what you think! I've already started work on another story (a multi-chapter AU *gasp*) that I've dubbed my fantasy!gleefic for now, so keep an eye out for it. And again, review!