That was it. That was my breaking point. I had finally cracked and found what made me weaker than ever.
Losing Love.
It was a feeling I had never felt before until she came along.
I changed for the better. It was uncontrollable. The things she made me do.
But where I stand now, made my heart ache.
The moment that caused this made my heart shatter, to never be put back together again.
I remember it as if it happened last night, when it was actually a month ago.
The day my heart broke:
As I looked through her hospital door window, she lied there in the hospital bed. Her body looked so weak, and her skin was so pale. Her hair rested upon her shoulder. She had been here a few days now.
She was going to die. She had been sick for a while but she didn't even know. One night, at home she collapsed and her mom rushed her to the hospital. The next day was when we found out about her.
I hated seeing her in this condition. Not being able to be her out-going self. She was become frail and as the days passed, so did her life.
She was slipping away from me and I couldn't take it.
I wanted to just walk into her room and tell her everything…but I couldn't do it.
I stood on a Monday morning in front of her hospital room door. I kept repeating in my head "I can't do this, I can't do this." But I soon remembered her words and heard her perky voice in my head.
"You can or you won't? There's a difference."
I stood up tall and placed my hand on the door knob. I had to see her before it was too late. I slowly turned the door knob and heard a soft click. I took a deep breath and walked in. I closed the door behind me and kept my eyes upon hers. When she heard the door click shut, she slowly opened her eyes.
"Did I wake you?" I asked in a calm, quiet voice.
"No. I just don't have the energy to keep them open." Her voice was horse, and very frail, but I could still here that perkiness.
"Chad…why are you here? You know I'm going to die anyways, so why bother talking to me." She gulped after she spoke.
I walked over to her. I pulled up a chair, sat down, and held her hand.
"You're worth it, and I would hate for you to leave without a goodbye." My eyes started hurting, meaning I was about to cry. I knew I would. I held her hand tighter as I continued. "You're strong, Sonny. You have to fight. You have to live longer than this. You can't leave me. Wait," I was thinking this over before I continued, "When did the doctors say you were diagnosed with this?" I meant her illness.
She looked down, "About a month ago."
"But if you took the treatment then you-" I stopped. I couldn't believe it but I wanted to make sure, "You didn't take the treatment, did you?"
"No." What? Why? She could have live for at least another month.
I put my head in my hands. I didn't get it. "Why, Sonny? Why didn't you do it? You could have lived longer?" I was so angry with her.
"It's my time." I looked at her, "It's my time to go."I sighed. There was nothing I could do.
"Sonny, I – I love you. I love you more than my heart can hold. You can't leave me. I'll be that self-centered jerk that I am and no one will see the good side of me that I have become." I started tearing up. I whispered the next part, "Please don't leave me."
She rested her hand upon my cheek and wiped my tears away with her thumb. "I would never leave you." She looked outside the window that was outside and looked back at me. "Whenever you see the sun shining bright, know that that's me. When you are feeling down, the sun will come out. I'll always look over you, always. I love you too."
More tears slid down my face. She wiped them away but they still fell, "Don't cry. I hate seeing you like this."
"How can I not be like this? You mean everything to me."
We sat there in silence for what seemed like an hour but it was only about 5 minutes. She then shed a tear herself. I looked at her. "What's wrong?" I asked her.
She grabbed my hand weakly and used all her power to hold it tight. She looked at me dead in the eyes. "Promise me…when I'm gone…that you will fall in love. You will find true love so your heart is complete. When you find them…never…ever…let them slip out of your hands. So you will never be alone…promise? Cross your heart?" she said. She was dead serious. She spoke so weakly and I just wanted to cry but I had to stay sturdy.
But her words, I couldn't believe what she wanted. She wanted me to find another human being on this earth to give my heart to. I knew I couldn't because she already stole my heart. That was what she meant but she didn't say that. She just said fall in love.
"I promise…because I've already fallen in love with you and you will always be with me. I promise, cross my heart."
She started having more tears fall down. I leaned down and gave her a sweet soft kiss. I started tearing up because I could tell how hard she tried to kiss back. After a few seconds I pulled away.
She stared at me in the eyes and held my hand tighter. Then she felt weaker, her grip was lighter than just a moment later, her body relaxed more and more. Her eyes started fluttering, giving me one last glance at her deep, chocolate, brown eyes. I was letting her slip out of my hands.
"Stay strong, Sonny. Stay strong." I whispered to her.
"I…love you Chad. Always have… Always will."
And she was gone. I heard the sound I ached to hear: the long beeping noise on the machine. But that represented something. That noise would never stop. It would keep the same note, same sound, same everything…forever. Sonny was gone forever and nothing would change that.
I stood up, gave her one more kiss and left. I closed the door and I sat in the chair and cried. I cried and cried and cried. My eyes were turning red and puffy and tears continuing to fall like rain. I felt a hand on my back and looked up to see Tawni, of all people. She pulled me into a small hug and I sobbed even more.
"I want her to come back." I said between cries.
"I know…me too." She said as a tear ran down her cheek.
And that was the day that shattered my heart.
-End of flashback-
And now I stand, at her grave, where she lays there to never move again.
I had tears run down my face.
I would never look into those chocolate brown eyes again. I would never see that big wide smile upon her face again. I would never hear her laugh again. We would never have our little fights. There were so many things we would never get to do.
"I love you Sonny Munroe. Always have, always will." I said as I looked down. Just at that moment, the sun came behind some clouds and shined so bright, it could sting your eyes. But that was the way she was. The sun was contagious. Like a disease you wanted to have.
I looked up and smiled. It was as if she was responding to me by saying 'I love you too'.
"I love you sunshine."
And at that moment, I had an image in my head of her smiling and laughing.
And my heart grew ten times larger by that one image.
Everything happens for a reason.
Sometimes thinking about her hurts and others I smile to myself.
But if everything happens for a reason, why did god take my love away?
So I could see how much I loved her and that even though she was gone, I would never let her go. I would stay strong for my sunshine, because I made a promise that I will never break.