EPOV
It was because of my own stupidity that I had lost her. It was because I was so wrapped up in not hurting her in any way imaginable that I became blind to the fact that my protectiveness was hurting her and so I was hurting her. Stupid idiot I thought to myself! If I had just given her what she wanted, if I had just listened to everyone around me, if I had let Emmett smack some sense into me then she would still be mine! But NO! I had to be the gentleman, prude of a vampire who would not listen to anyone. Not, even Carlisle after he repeatedly took the parental tone with me and tried to reason couldn't get through to me. As I pressed harder on the gas of the Volvo the conversation replayed in my head.
Edward, I'd like to talk to you about your and Bella's relationship, if you don't mind, his voice was ever so calm as he set down some medical papers on his desk and sat down opposite of me on the couch.
I was a bit hesitant wondering why Carlisle had so suddenly decided to bring up mine and Bella's relationship, but I let it be. Carlisle always had good reasoning behind his actions. Even if it meant blocking his thoughts from me as he had been doing ever so recently.
"Sure, what was going through your mind? Since recently you had been reciting the most famous fashion designers in alphabetical order and year they started. I don't think that's a way to get into Alice's good graces after you so humbly decided to give her the pleasure of buying you a new wardrobe,"
Carlisle grinned, his thoughts still very much off topic. He took a seat opposite of me on the grand, dark brown leather couch which Esme had so adored.
"Yes, well, Alice always tries to please, sometimes too much. But, Edward it has come to my attention that you and Bella are having some physical issues"
I arched an eyebrow at him, and smirked a little. Carlisle had now begun to recite all of the world's most deadly diseases in alphabetical order of course; it appeared as though he did not want this conversation to be in our minds, yet out in the open.
"What do you mean by physical issues Carlisle, Bella is feeling fine and healthy."
It was then that he gave me a rather stern look and decided it was time to lay everything out in the open.
"Edward, Bella came to me a few days ago and well… she poured her heart out to me like a daughter to her father. She told me that recently you have been rejecting her advances and that every time she tried to be intimate you would just jump forcefully away. She feels very rejected and hurt Edward, she thinks that you don't desire her. She was so upset that her emotions magnified so much they almost brought Jasper to his knees when he tried to calm her down. Needless to say that it did no good, the poor girl was a web of horrible emotions."
My eyes almost jumped out of my sockets when I had heard those statements. How could Bella think that I do not desire her? She was my love, my life, my everything. I wanted her to experience every human moment possible and hopefully delay her transformation, but I was beyond scared of hurting her physically especially if we were to be intimate with each other.
"Carlisle, that is utterly absurd. Bella knows that I love her, that I cherish the ground she walks on. The only reason I do not want to be intimate with her while she is human is because I am so scared of hurting her. The thought of losing her breaks my heart, and if I did anything to hurt her in any way I'd be on a plane to see Aro that same day." I felt as though I was rambling, explaining to my father my fears, worries, wants, until he decided to open up his mind and let me hear the conversation he had with Bella.
The minute I heard Bella's voice, so sad and distraught, I knew something was really wrong. From then on I did not focus on anything else except the voice of my beloved crying her heart out to Carlisle, asking what is wrong with her and why don't I love her. I thought my heart would break into a millions pieces when I heard her sob and ask if maybe she's not good enough.
It was Carlisle's soft voice that brought me back to the present, "Edward, I know that this is hard for you, but have you even considered trying? Bella loves you, she trusts you with her whole being and knows that you'd never hurt her in anyway. Take this from a vampire who has been around longer than you, physical love is beautiful. It is probably the most amazing feeling you will ever experience, as for you it might be magnified by quite a lot, nonetheless it is something worth experiencing. I am sure if you and Bella took it slow things would work out, she is not as breakable as she looks Edward."
God, how I wish I would have listened then, I thought to myself! Why didn't I listen to my father when he had mine and Bella's best interest at heart? Oh yes I know why, because I am an idiot! A selfish, worrisome, babying idiot who does not know when to stop and listen to the people that love him the most! I had opened all of the windows of my Volvo and accelerated even more, I wanted to feel air, I wanted to breathe.
"I don't think that's such a great idea right now, and I know you are very wrong. Bella is very breakable and Bella is very human." I said as I got up from the couch and ran my hands through my hair, out of habit.
Carlisle sighed; I could tell he was trying to choose his words wisely.
"Edward, I love you like a son, you know that and I love Bella like a daughter. I only want what is best for both you. Please if you would just listen, you cannot treat Bella like she is a child or just ignore her wants and needs thinking she will eventually forget what she wants and you will be spared the pain of going through with it. Bella is human yes, but you have been around her for so long and did not hurt her, and although this situation may be different, why do you think that you cannot handle it? Bella has faith in you, Edward we-"
I had cut of Carlisle before he got the best of me. My emotions were raging and I did not want to hear another word of what he had to say. I knew now exactly what he thought, what all of them thought, including Rosalie! The least likely person to side with Bella, even she thought that Bella should not be denied.
"No! Carlisle, I will not listen to this nonsense anymore! I see where you are coming from but I will not have it. Bella knew what she was getting herself into, I told her to stay away but she didn't listen! I love her but I am too scared of losing her, of killing her."
I know now that I was sounding totally ludicrous. I had no control over my words or my actions. I knew that back then I had crossed the line. I had never heard Carlisle raise his voice to me before or be the father figure until that night.
"Edward!!! I will NOT have you speak to me that way! I am still your father and I love you very much, I also love Bella like a daughter. She has stolen my heart. I will NOT have you speak in that kind of tone about Bella to me. I do not know what is going on in that head of yours, but you should really think on your actions or lack thereof and- "
I had cut him off again by turning abruptly, opening the door to his study and running out of the house. I could feel everyone's sad gaze on me. I knew they were there, listening, being too shocked to say anything. Jasper didn't even try to calm me down, he just let me go.
It had been months since that occurrence. I had stormed out of my own home and the first place I had gone to was Seattle. I do not know why I chose that place but I just needed to get away from everyone I knew, even if it hurt me. I had since then been to Lakewood and Vancouver where I spent the most time. I did not let my family know where I was, but I supposed that Alice had kept tabs on me without disclosing it to the others. Now, I was headed to Alaska. I needed even more time alone; I needed to get my head together. Although I was a bit worried that I still had not been able to fully calm down by now, but then again it took a lot longer with us vampires then humans. Some of us held grudges for decades. I had not fully thought about the events that had happened prior until now really. Until I got into my Volvo and drove, until I let the road take me here to Alaska. Before me was nothing except the cold dark road. Even the light of the very pale and round moon seemed distant to me. I just stared ahead into oblivion thinking over and over how I let myself do this. How I could let myself go like that and lose control? All I could think of now was my Bella, my poor precious Bella. She looked so distraught when she saw Carlisle, so full of anger, embarrassment and self loathing. I inhaled deeply, I was the one that did that to her, the real monster, the real predator.
I had parked my car in front of the wooden cabin and made my way towards it without bothering to even lock the door. I wasn't worried though; there wasn't a human around for miles, animals yes. It was a great hunting spot, but not a human in sight. As I closed the door to the cabin, I hadn't even bothered to even look around the place. I just made my way to the bedroom. I was sure of course that the whole décor of it was beautiful; it had a woman's touch. Tanya was almost as good as Esme in decorating and this was the Denali's cabin after all. How grateful had I been when Tanya had offered me this secluded place and even more when she didn't question or was nowhere in sight. Yes, solitude was to be my companion for the time being. I sat on the bed, throwing my keys somewhere on the floor and sighed, Bella would have adored this bedroom.
The bed was king size, made out of cherry wood with a canopy above and Egyptian cotton bed sheets in pale green. My Bella, my poor, beautiful, loving Bella. I love her with every fiber of my being- dead or not and yet I had been so foolish. I closed my eyes to imagine my sweet love when I felt vibrations in my jean pocket. My mind swirled, there could only be one person calling me and it was Alice. The rest of my family knew better when I was totally beside myself like this to give me time to heal. I flipped open the phone to read her text, things will work out Edward, you will see just have faith, I love you brother. Alice, my wonderful sister Alice what I wouldn't give to have her tell me the future that she sees, but it is always all subjective anyway. I had been away from my family for quite a while, moving from place to place. The events that transpired in the last few months had my heart breaking. How could things get so messed up as they did? I had wanted to blame myself for it, yet I knew that fate was something you could just not win with, vampire or human. But, I knew I could not give up. I could feel my emotions building and could barely contain them. Growling, I had gotten up and broke a few pieces of furniture, a chair over here and table over there. I was so livid to what was happening to me, to my loved ones that I did not care. They were just objects, Tanya would understand. At that moment, I had been quite happy that this was such a secluded place, for if I encountered a human I probably would drink him dry. Ah, Carlisle would not be pleased hearing such thoughts coming from me, but I could not help it! I was in pain, in more pain than any fire could bring me. This could not be happening to me! I growled louder and felt my hands curl up into fists beside me. Bella was my singer!! She was my La Tua Cantante! Mine! Mine! Mine! Bella was my love, my sole existence, my new beginning!
I began to pace the room, deep in thought; though my rage still could not be contained. I had to think of a way to get her back. I know that she loves me, she'd forgive me. Her heart calls to me, her blood sings. She has to understand how much she means to me! I will succumb to her every wish, just to have her back in my arms. She was my air! I had refused to believe that because of my stupidity I had forcefully pushed her into the arms of another man! Into the arms of the man I also love, my own brother! The arms of Jasper Whitlock!!