Let's Not Be Friends
Started: December 2006
Shiho let out a sigh of relief once she glimpsed the door of the room she shared with one of the other "Reds", a girl named Maxine Weber. She'd been dying to return to her quarters ever since she watched the news coverage of ZAFT Commander Lacus Clyne's visits to one of the Junius colonies. It was probably still airing on the large screens in the soldiers' lounge.
Many of the PLANTs' representatives had accompanied the Commander, including council member Major Yzak Joule. Shiho knew how gratifying it was for him to be surrounded by cameras and visible on every news channel. Yzak basked in attention; sometimes he seemed to crave it. But he did deserve the limelight. He had been an ace ZAFT pilot, and a good squad leader.
She wanted to feel happy as she watched him on the news. At the same time, she couldn't get out of the lounge fast enough so she wouldn't see his face.
But it was too late; the questions she hated started reeling through her mind, questions like why can't I stop thinking about him? or why couldn't I make him see me even when I was right beside him? or why am I even asking useless questions like that when my time with him is already over?
Her mind went back to the day she and her squad mates were assigned to new posts. They had all stood in file as the Major addressed them, thanking them for their dedication, congratulating them on their new assignments, and reminding them to be vigilant in keeping the peace. After their dismissal and salute, Dearka had dared to crack a joke, receiving snickers from several directions. She, as was her habit, said nothing, and left right away to pack her things. After all, what was left to say? And what was she hoping to hear from Major Yzak Joule anyway? Something heartfelt and sentimental?
After that, he didn't keep in touch her, and she didn't try to contact him. But many, many times, she had wanted to.
But that was then. She stepped quietly into the room.
"What's wrong, mein Liebe? You look like someone died." Maxine looked up at her from the book she was reading. Her brown eyes were filled with concern.
"It's nothing," Shiho replied, kissing her on the mouth. Two females having "that kind" of relationship was nothing new in the ZAFT ranks. With male and female soldiers staying in segregated sleeping quarters for long periods of time, it was no surprise that one's bunkmate became one's bedmate as well. "I'm taking a shower."
"All right then." Maxine shrugged and returned to her reading.
As the warm water rained on her, Shiho's thoughts returned to what she had watched. Well, Yzak's hair seemed longer, a little softer. And his eyes seemed a bit slanted, like he had matured all of a sudden. He'll be very busy with council work from now on, with treaties to sign and factions to pacify. And the Joule Squad's members have all been reassigned…and I won't be able to hover near his side like before.
Like the way Yzak had hovered by the Commander's seat during that news clip…. Shiho suddenly laughed. Oh, are you jealous of Lacus Clyne now, Fraulein Hahnenfuß? Everyone knew that the former pop star was in a relationship with that renegade of a Gundam pilot, Kira Yamato. But still, Shiho couldn't help but wonder if even Yzak Joule could withstand the singer's charms.
Well, whatever happens to him from now on has nothing to do with me! She rested her forehead on the cold tiled wall. I won't be near him anymore, hear his voice, catch one of his rare smiles, see how peaceful he looks when he falls asleep in his chair. She sighed in disappointment. To him, I was just a reliable squad member, or a friend at best. But nothing more than that. Otherwise he would have made it obvious a long time ago. Yes, he assisted me with research on my DEEP ARMS, named me Housenka, and picked me to be on his team. But so what?
Shiho stepped out of the shower and looked at her reflection in the mirror. She almost didn't recognize her face; all the usual self-confidence had gone out of it.
"So, what now?" she asked out loud.
"You're suggesting that I WHAT?" Yzak yelled, making everyone else in the room shake in their shoes.
One of his assistants gulped. "We-we-well, Councilor, the upcoming fundraising would be a good publicity opportunity-"
"I KNOW THAT! But why the hell do I have to bring a girl with me?"
Yzak's staff cringed some more. "To-to-to project the image of being more, uh, grounded and approachable."
The blue-eyed young Councilor huffed. "I'd rather be known as someone who meant business." For crying out loud, these people were supposed to be his public relations team! Idiots, all of them!
"Begging your pardon, sir, but we believe that it is necessary to do this, if you want to gain the support of the masses."
Now that struck Yzak's nerve. Hesitantly he opened the folder that lay on his desk, and raised eyebrows at the beautiful faces that smiled at him from the pages. There were singers, politician's daughters, and young businesswomen. "Somehow I feel like I'm hiring a mistress, but fine, I'll go along with you."
The whole room filled with sighs of relief.
Yzak smirked. "And if this doesn't work like you say it will, you're all fired."
Shiho climbed out from the cockpit of her beloved CGUE after a routine scan. She'd been assigned a ZAKU Warrior suit prior to the last war, but she still preferred her experimental Deep Arms. She knew it would be decommissioned soon, and would have to be returned to the research facility, so she used it every chance she had.
She'd felt restless after her shower and couldn't sleep, so she had gone to the hangar to check on her mobile suits. At least she could be alone there with her thoughts. It felt quite warm too, even though she was wearing just the regular ZAFT uniform. Pushing off with her feet, she floated through the hangar, allowing the weak gravity to carry her to a ledge near a huge window. There were so many stars in the vast darkness beyond the glass, and that made her feel sentimental.
Doing maintenance work on her suits had triggered her memories of a silver-haired, blue-eyed ZAFT officer. Not again, she thought, her cheeks growing warm. Why do I miss everything about him, even that haughty expression on his face, and that commanding voice? The brunette pilot shook her head. How weak! All I have to do is think of a certain Yzak Joule, then I break into pieces!
"Sergeant Shiho Hahnenfuß, coming in-Gott in Himmel!" She ducked just in time for the piece of fruit to miss her forehead.
"DIDN'T I TELL YOU I DIDN'T WANT VISITORS!" roared the quick-tempered patient, blue sparks of anger flashing from his unbandaged eye.
"I'm sorry sir!" Shiho cringed on the floor. "The nurse said it was all right, and I was permitted only six hours' leave from simulation training, and everyone asked me to bring you their gifts. But I could come back at a later time and-"
"As you're already here, Sergeant, I'm not going to waste your time." Yzak sat up straight in bed. "Gifts, huh?"
"Yes sir." Judging that he was now safe to approach, Shiho did her best to stop shaking and brought the large paper bag to Yzak's bedside. "From the other Reds, some of the Versailles crew, and the mess hall cook. He told me to reassure you that the biscuits are indeed edible."
One blue eye inspected the cards, boxes, and other items in the bag, yet the injured Duel pilot said nothing.
Feeling uneasy, Shiho carefully said, "I'll return to the training hall now, sir." She stepped back and saluted.
"Do they really wish me well? Or are they glad that I'm hurt?" he asked suddenly, not looking at her.
Shiho's arm dropped in surprise. Was Officer Joule, terror of the Versailles, actually looking SAD?
And what was she supposed to say?
After an awkward pause, she found her voice. "I daresay, sir, that in this time when ZAFT needs all of its members, we would not enjoy seeing one of our own hurt."
Yzak looked straight at her with his one good eye. "That sounded a little didactic, Sergeant, but thanks."
"The weapons test went well," Yzak Joule announced as he entered the hangar. A happy murmur spread through the research group. Then he turned to her. "Thank you for your efforts, Sergeant Hahnenfuß."
She shook her head. "I was happy to help with the testing, sir."
"Although," he mused, looking up at the dark blue CGUE prototype, "I never thought about using the combat style you did, making the beams fan out. It was like a balsam flower."
"Balsam…you refer to the housenka, sir?"
He nodded. "That's it. Housenka."
She jumped down from the Deep Arms, fully satisfied with the adjustments she'd made to the shoulder cannons. She looked up proudly at her mobile suit, its metal plating scratched in some areas, the scars from a recent battle.
"Sergeant Hahnenfuß," a rather irritated male voice interrupted behind her. "You were supposed to be in a meeting an hour ago."
Shiho bowed as low as she could to the silver-haired officer. "My apologies, sir, but my mobile suit needed some adj-"
"APOLOGIES?!" Yzak cut in, making her and some of the nearby technicians jump. "Sergeant, need I remind you that we're in the middle of a war here? There are reports of a possible nuclear attack by the Naturals! Receiving your orders and the latest tactical information are a top priority, tinkering with your mobile suit is NOT!" Again the nearby technicians jumped.
"It won't happen again, sir." She tried not to look too shaken.
"Make sure it doesn't." Yzak rubbed at his scar and looked up at the Deep Arms. "Housenka, huh? You know, you've been attacked more often since you put that personal mark on."
"It only pushes me to improve, sir." Shiho looked at the mark of bright red flowers and felt the familiar feeling of accomplishment. "Improve myself and my mobile suit."
"Sergeant, you sound like a proud mother." Yzak cleared his throat and changed to a sterner tone. "Even so, don't forget that you have other responsibilities as well. Go borrow the meeting notes from the commander's secretary, all right?"
"Yes sir."
"And as punishment for skipping the meeting, submit a report to the commander, detailing all the latest improvements that you've made to the Deep Arms."
"Yes sir."
I've often been on the receiving end of his temper. Shiho smiled as she leaned against the glass. But given the chance, I would gladly take his stinging words again and again, just to be near him. Even though I know it would do me no good. After surviving the most rigorous physical training and the most mind-numbing exams to be at the top of my class, this is the sort of fool I've turned out to be.
She closed her eyes. It's a good thing I won't see him so much anymore. If I keep going like this, I'll be totally useless in a space battle. She turned to look at her Deep Arms, its intense blue color standing out against the gray of the hangar. I should forget about him and focus on my patrol duties. After all, he's forgotten me so quickly.
"That's right," she said, as though talking to an abandoned child. "It's just the two of us now."
"Shiho, wake up. Mein Gott, have you been sleeping here the whole time?"
A warm palm was cupping her cheek. Her eyes, still hazy from sleep, met with Maxine's brown ones. "…Hmmm?"
"What HAVE you been doing here? I've been looking all over for you! And you missed the officers' meeting. And your mobile phone's been ringing nonstop…. Hey Shiho, have you been crying? Your eyes are swollen."
Shiho smiled sleepily. Maxine was great to have around. She spoke too much, to make up for people who seemed to say too little. "I guess I'm not feeling so well." She pushed off from the ledge. "I'll just go back to our room. I'll deal with the missed meeting later."
Maxine stared after her in surprise. "If you're not feeling well, you should go to the infirmary, like you usually do."
The purple-eyed pilot turned to face her. "So did you get any new orders yet?"
"Well, no. And I checked the roster, you're not getting sortied yet either-hey what is it?" Shiho was tugging on her arm.
"Then let's go back to the room together, mein Liebe. And you can help me feel better."
"Really, Shiho, you're so strange sometimes."
In the darkness, she shifted in the warm bed that was not hers, and stared at Maxine's smooth back. Her soft curls of hair spilled over the pillow as she slept quietly. I should feel guilty about making her my personal physical security blanket, Shiho thought. But still, I'm glad that every time I need her, she never pushes me away. She's just like me, I guess. Willing to be used and taken lightly by the people we care about. Willing to be turned into fools who hope for more. I wonder, are all women like that?
The shrill ring of her mobile phone broke Shiho's train of thought. She shivered as the cold air of the room hit her skin and she hurriedly leapt onto her own bed, threw the covers over her shoulders, and grabbed the flashing, noisy object. The display showed an unfamiliar "inter-PLANT" number. She pressed the answer button and solemnly said, "You have reached Captain Shiho Hahnenfuß."
"You're still spare with words, Shiho," said a voice that she had not hoped to hear.
She felt a blush starting. "M-Major…I mean Councilor…."
"Stop being so formal and call me Yzak. It's not like you don't know me."
No, I don't think I do, she wanted to say. "I'm sorry. I didn't expect to hear from you-" She stopped herself before she could blurt out ever again.
"It's a little sudden, I know, but I need a favor from you. Consider it a new mission. It will involve flying to Martius One, going to a party, and wearing a dress."
Dumbfounded, Shiho leaned on the wall beside her bed for support. I'm in a crazy bad dream.
"Hey Shiho, still there?"
"Uh, yes. I…don't think I can do the dress part," she replied lamely.
"Oh, come now. Your father came from high society, I know that much. Surely you've been at an event or two during your lifetime."
For someone who was asking for a favor, he was very presumptuous, Shiho thought. "I'm sorry…Yzak, but I can't leave my current assignment. It would take a lot of paperwork to-"
"I'll take care of it if you agree to do what I ask."
Well, it was certainly something very important if he was willing to pull strings. "Give me the other details first."
"The party's in three Earth-days, a hotel room will be arranged for you, and a car will pick you up at an appointed time. I have other obligations on that day so I'll meet you at the party's location." He paused. "I wish I could tell you more, but I have a meeting to attend, so I won't say more than that for now."
"So once I'm at this party, what am I supposed to do?"
"Just be your normal, sensible self. So can I count on you to go?"
Say no, a little voice inside her head whispered. It's not good for you to see him again. You'll start hoping for his attention. But you won't get it, and you'll end up crying. Why would you want to help him anyway? You don't owe him anything!
Mentally she kicked herself before she hesitantly said, "Sure. I'll do it."
"You will? Good! Expect new orders to arrive at your station soon. Thanks. Bye." Then the line went dead.
Her rush of excitement was disrupted by that little voice again. I bet you feel so special just because he called you and asked for your help, it taunted. Maybe he knew you couldn't refuse him. Maybe it's something dangerous. Did you ever think about that?
What did she just DO?
Shiho stared at the mobile phone in her hand as though she had just committed something horrifying. Maybe I should've hung up instead of answering. I should feel so cheap, chasing after a man like this. Just to see him again, I've gone so low. She trembled at that thought and pulled the covers tighter around her. If he told me to jump into the Earth's core right now, would I do it?
Shiho suddenly noticed that Maxine was awake and watching her from across the room. Her eyes were still dimmed with sleep though.
"What was that about, Shiho? Are you all right?"
She kicked herself mentally again before saying, "Yes, I'm fine." She put her mobile phone down, and stepped onto the floor to pick up her clothes and dress quickly. "I received new orders."
A/N: Weltschmerz is a German word often translated as world-weariness or pessimism. Fraulein used to be a German address for an unmarried woman, but its use is now considered derogatory. I used it in the text to show that Shiho was mocking herself.