Summer 1888
It had been a mutual decision, Cody assured himself as he watched the blurred landscape out the train window on his way to Rock Creek. Louisa had made some very sound arguments to stay behind in North Platte. Their oldest girl, Arta would be married soon, and had dearly missed her mother during her parent's travels abroad. Irma, their baby, was only five, and despite the warm weather, couldn't seem to shake a cold. Louisa had grumbled it was the weeks of travelling with her father that had plain tuckered the girl out. She didn't want to take any chances with her health. Louisa received no argument from her husband after that. Little Irma had been their surprise, their blessing and their constant source of joy. She kept both her parents going after experiencing unimaginable grief. First their boy Kit, a face Cody couldn't bring to memory without an accompanying lump in his throat, was taken from them at only six. Then their lovely Orra passed at 11, when Irma was still just an infant. Yes, it was the right choice for for his wife and child to stay behind.
The knowledge that making the trip alone was a good decision, did nothing to alter what he was feeling however, all efforts to the contrary. He was lonely. He had just completed a tour across Europe, that had been by all accounts a rousing success. He had been feted by Kings, Queens and heads of states. Every dream he could have ever concocted in his wild imagination as a boy had been realized, or very nearly so. The applause he had sought so hungrily for most of his life was his, as well as wealth, fame and adoration. His staff had been puzzled when he had announced they would come back to America for the summer, despite how well the Wild West show was being received all across Europe. They found it odder still when he said he would be taking a short break to visit what they considered to be the backwaters of Nebraska, to Rock Creek. He felt no need to explain himself, he knew why he was going. He needed to see Teaspoon.
He used to get letters frequently from Rock Creek. Teaspoon and Rachel both loved to fill him in on all their latest news, but in the last several years Teaspoon's letters had dropped off. Now, alarming him further, Rachel's letters were becoming more infrequent as well. In her last letter, it was more what she wasn't saying, than what she did say. She spoke of planting a garden, of her new batch of students and that Thompkins had sold the general store to retire. What she did not say, was more than a dozen words about her husband of over twenty years. Something was not right. It was a feeling he couldn't shake even as he was performing for the Queen of England's Golden Jubilee. As many times as he wished Teaspoon had been there to see the performance and the name he had made for himself, he worried what the silence could mean. He had even written letters to Buck, living with the Kiowa in Oklahoma and to Kid and Lou out in Virginia, to see if they knew anything. He hadn't heard back from Buck yet, but Lou had written, and she was just as concerned.
The train rumbled on as the afternoon sun shone hot in his compartment. It wouldn't be long now. Cody's nerves were on edge, he couldn't seem to stop tapping his feet or running a hand through his long hair. It had been too long. He had meant to come visit many times, but had not in over a half dozen years. He had been busy. He had put blood, sweat and tears in getting his show off the ground and the touring never seemed to end. They were all the hollow excuses he knew them to be though, as he imagined saying them to Teaspoon and Rachel. He felt like a prodigal son. He had thought Jimmy had at one time fit that bill better, but Jimmy had tried to keep in touch when he was alive and now he wasn't around to wear the name, though Cody dearly wished he was. Another brother gone too soon, and the rest he had called brothers and sister scattered to the wind. His Express family knew him just as Billy Cody, the man under his Buffalo Bill persona. He had worked hard to build the image for himself, but now he wondered how real it all was or if it even mattered if those he loved and who knew him best weren't in his life. Maybe he could make it up to them in some way. Bring the show to Omaha. Have Teaspoon and Rachel be the guests of honor, maybe even shine the spotlight on them and tell the audience that this was the man who had helped make him who he was and who he hoped he could be. It was the least he could to for the man who had been like a father to him.
He had no more time for guilt or regrets. The train screeched to a halt for a water break. He was in Rock Creek at last. His suit and proper hat felt odd as he jumped with his bag to the platform. It wasn't a disguise exactly, or maybe it was. He looked nothing like his posters wearing a suit instead of his fancy show get up, he figured it would help him slip in and out of town easier. He hadn't been on the streets for more than a few minutes however, when he heard his name.
"Cody? Is that the famous William F. Cody?"
Cody smiled as he turned around.
"Tompkins. Looks like retirement suits."
"It does at that. Haven't seen you around these parts, well now, how long it's been?" the older man asked as he looked at Cody curiously.
"Too long. I ain't in town for much time and not for any show. I'm here to see Teaspoon and Rachel. Is Teaspoon in his office?" Cody asked quietly.
Tompkins stopped and frowned. He opened his mouth and then shook his head slightly.
"Well, I reckon not. He'd be at the house. Rachel'd be home by this time of day too. She might even be making some of those vittles of hers I know you love so much,"
Tompkins saw Cody ready to ask more questions and held up his hand, "I need to get getting home to dinner myself. Stop by if you get a chance before you leave town again, won't you?" He didn't wait for an answer as he gave a wave and walked away.
"Sure, Tompkins." Cody said to the man's retreating back.
He was more sure than ever something was wrong. He turned toward the Hunter's home and started to walk, faster and faster. He was almost in a run by the time he got to the door. There was a time he would have walked right in, but too much time had passed for that informality. He stopped and tried to collect himself. Willing his racing heart to slow as he firmly knocked on the door. It took a while, but then he heard a voice almost as familiar as his own.
"I'm coming, I'm coming. Hold your horses." He heard muffled on the other side.
The door swung open. Teaspoon stood staring at him as leaned against a cane Cody had never seen before. The younger man held his breath as the older man regarded him, squinting.
"I feel... I feel I should know you, boy... from somewhere." Teaspoon said finally.
Cody's mouth dropped open. Of all the receptions he thought he might get, this was one he had not imagined.
"Rachel! Rachel, we have a visitor." Teaspoon said as he looked at Cody one more time before shuffling back into the house.
Cody dropped his bag and remained planted where he stood. He still hadn't said a word. Rachel appeared around the corner from the kitchen wiping her hands on her apron.
"A visitor?"
She glanced up at him and gasped.
"Cody? Billy Cody is that you? Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes!" she exclaimed as she rushed over to him and grabbed him in a bear hug.
Finally Cody found his voice.
"It's good to see you too!" he said as he pulled away from her, "and you're looking lovelier than ever, you haven't aged a day."
Rachel smiled and patted her hair that was loosely piled in a knot away from her face.
"Cody you will never change, you'll always be a charmer and I love you for it, but now look at your fancy clothes, oh, I probably got flour all over your nice suit." she said with dismay as he brushed off the evidence of her cooking away from his coat. He let out a chuckle.
"I could give two hoots about my clothes. I'm here to see you, and if you're cooking that's all the better." His smile faded as he heard Teaspoon grumbling just beyond him as he settled into a chair.
"Rachel, what's going on with Teaspoon? Is this what you been keeping from all of us? I started to get worried, and now I'm thinking I had good reason."
Rachel winced as she looked at her husband and then motioned Cody to follow her into the kitchen.
"Rachel, have you made some coffee? I'd like some coffee." Teaspoon said, looking up as they walked by.
"I made some fresh for you not a half hour ago, it's to your left, by your books." Rachel said patiently as she entered the kitchen.
She cleared off the kitchen table, and pulled out a chair for Cody, then herself. She looked down at the table top and fingered a napkin before she looked up and met Cody's questioning gaze.
"I wanted to tell you, all of you, a hundred times, but he didn't want me to... back when he could remember that he was forgetting." She paused again and took a deep breath to steady herself before continuing.
"The doctors say it's some form of dementia. At first it was little things. Not remembering which shift he had at the Marshal's office, then he'd go to the store and forget what he was supposed to buy. I'd joke with him then, tell him he needed to leave himself better notes. But it got worse. Sometimes he'd go out for a ride and forget his way home. That's when he had to quit Marshaling, and that's when we talked to the doctors." Rachel stopped again and used the napkin to dab at her eyes.
"They don't know what causes it, and there's no cure... seems his mind will just keep forgetting things right up to the time it will forget how to live." Her voice wavered as she glanced towards Cody.
She couldn't help but smile a little at the tears in his eyes, matching her own. Cody reached across the table and put his hand over hers.
"I would have never stayed away this long if I had known... are you sure? About there being no cure I mean? This is Teaspoon we're talking about here. I've seen this man take two bullets and still ride all day... it's just hard to believe after all he's seen and done, his mind... would just fail him like that." Cody said helplessly.
Rachel let out a little laugh, that came out more like a sob.
"You sound like him when the doctors first told him. He was nothing but bluster. He told those doctors that nothing had slowed him down before, and he wouldn't let his mind slow him down now... it was only later that he became afraid... oh Cody, that may have been the most heartbreaking part. In all my years of knowing him and loving him, I'd never seen him truly afraid like he was when he realized his mind really was starting to go and there was nothing he could do to stop it," she smiled again suddenly.
"You know what he would do? He would just stare at me, for what seemed like forever. It was a little unnerving to be honest, and I'd tell him to quit and he said," she paused to collect herself, "he said he couldn't quit. That he'd rather forget the most beautiful sunset, than my face."
Cody let those words sink in and squeezed Rachel's hand tighter.
"Well I believe him. He could never forget you."
"I wish that was true, but I can already see the beginnings. He doesn't recognize near anyone in town anymore, and he has spells where he's real confused and that's where I get scared that maybe another bit of him is lost. He pulls out of it though most times... and there are some moments when he seems real clear, almost like his old self... You know Cody, I'm so glad you came. I wish I had had the courage to write you bout all this before, but now that you're here, well it's good to talk about it with someone who loves him too."
Cody motioned her to stand up and hugged her.
"Some little voice told me I needed to be here, I'm glad I listened to it. Now Rachel, if he is going to keep getting worse, how are you two going to support yourselves, you won't be able to teach much longer." He asked seriously.
"Well... I'm not sure. We have some saved up, but not enough for me to quit teaching. I do worry when I'm at school though, he's tried to make coffee before and forgot he was doing it, and ruined the pot, it could be real dangerous if he tried cook anything." then she looked quickly over Cody's shoulder and walked over to her stove, "all this talking, I forgot I had something cooking myself." She cast Cody a small smile as she opened the pot and stirred.
"Let me help you two, please" Cody said almost desperately, " I have the means now, what's the good of me having some money if I can't use it to help my family when they need it."
Rachel frowned and stirred a little harder.
"You're sweet to offer, but I don't know. That's your hard earned money, Cody... your well deserved success. I don't think Teaspoon'd want to..."
"Rachel," he drew her name out, "you know how convincing I can be if I have a mind to, It's just a matter of time before I figure out some way to get you to accept my help." He smiled one of his most winning smiles, but let it fade as he said more seriously, "I know you two wanted children. Your offspring are the folk that are supposed to help out in the later years. But even though you never had sons and daughters of your own flesh and blood, you have me... and Buck, Kid and Lou too, but me standing here in this kitchen. You were the closest thing I had to folks when I really needed 'em, even though I remember at the time thinking I didn't really need anyone and telling you so... I wouldn't be where I am today without you and Teaspoon." He paused and waited for her to look at him, he said again, slowly,
"Let me help you."
She dropped the spoon and bit her lip, then reached out and touched his arm.
"Ok, Billy... Ok."
Cody felt relief for the first time since walking into the house. Rachel looked like she wanted to say more, but then Teaspoon called from the next room.
"Rachel, have you made some coffee? I'd like a cup of coffee."
"It's to your left, hun, by your books." She called out to the next room. Then she turned back to Cody.
"Why don't you go in there and talk to him, keep him company while I finish up in here. You must be hungry after all your travels."
Cody looked into the living room uncertainly.
"I'm don't know what to say."
"Just talk to him. Sometimes the more talking he hears, the more he'll talk too. Most of the time now days, he talks bout being a young man in Texas... but maybe he'll surprise you. Now, scoot, I know you don't want burnt vittles."
Cody edged his way into the room. He past by Teaspoon as he set his hat and outer jacket with his bag. The older man did not look up. Cody stood by the chair next to Teaspoon feeling more unsure of himself than he had in ages. He took a deep breath and moved the chair to sit across from him.
"Mind if I set a spell with you, Teapoon?"
Teaspoon looked up from the picture book in his hands and ran his fingers over the pages.
"You're... a Ranger, boy? Don't sound like you're from Texas."
"No, I never was a Ranger, but you were, for many years."
"I thought maybe, you fought at the Alamo... but no, they died, they all died. We were too late and all the brave men who had stayed... were lost. Some of the best man I knew. We left and we were too late, those brave men stayed, and they died..." Teaspoon trailed off.
"There was nothing you could have done, you were brave, just like them." Cody said quietly. Teapoon only nodded. He turned his eyes back to his hands.
Cody looked at Teaspoon curiously, he wasn't sure what he was dealing with, what he might be able to say to reach him, if that was even possible. His thoughts on the train now seemed foolish. In a way he had been coming home like a small child with a school project made of sticks and stone and straw, excited to show his Pa this latest creation, so the father could admire it, say well done. Cody was a middle aged man now, the time for seeking approval from a father figure should be long past. Now however as he sat across from Teaspoon, so much skinnier and frail than he had ever seen him, he felt emotions he thought long since pushed down so deep as to be buried, rising up through his chest to his throat, almost choking him. He cleared his throat.
"Teaspoon, can I tell you a story? It's just a short one, some way to pass the time fore dinner. There once was a cocky boy, too big for his britches, ready to take on anything and everything... and one day he saw an ad in a store window for Pony Express riders, well, that was it for him. He went into the office that very day and made his mark, got his bible and some spending money. He wanted adventure, you see. To see the west in all its untamed glory. That this job was hard and dangerous, made it all the better. He could take it all and more, but you know what he found? Sides more adventures than he could count? He found family. You know why he found a family? Cause there was this gruff old coot none of 'em could make sense of at first that treated them like sons and daughter. They grew to care about each other... and care about themselves too I suppose, cause he cared bout them and saw something in them worth the trouble."
Cody felt his eyes misting up as he looked for any kind of sign that Teaspoon was hearing or understanding.
"Well this one boy I've been telling you about, I don't think this old coot was too sure about him. Maybe he thought this boy was too much of a screw up, didn't take things serious like he should. He was right at the time. But he helped them all to stick together through thick and thin, even when war threatened to tear us all apart," Cody wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
"Teaspoon, I wanted you to know, most of what I've done with this life of mine, trying to be a good family man, and build my business, was to show you I could amount to something. I wanted to make you proud. I wanted you to see that even though you thought I was a screw up sometimes, your faith in me wasn't misplaced. I wish I could show you..."
Cody stopped and took a deep breath. Yes, he wish he could've had Teaspoon see his show, but in his haste for bigger and better, he had left too many things behind, and it was too late. Cody heard the wish of Rachel's skirts swish into the room. She noted the frown on Teaspoon's face and the sadness on Cody's. Even with the mustache and beard, Billy still looked young to her. She sighed,
"I've got dinner all ready, figured we'd eat in the kitchen... You ready Teaspoon? How bout you put the book down and grab my arm here."
"Don't want dinner, not hungry." Teaspoon said as he allowed her to take his hand.
"You will be once you get in there and smell it. Here, make sure you got your cane."
She helped Teaspoon to his chair and then waited for Cody.
"I heard most of what you said in there, it was beautiful Billy. You have know he was proud of you, as proud as any man can be of his son."
Cody shrugged his shoulders as if to shake off the heaviness he felt.
"I hope so, Rachel."
She smiled slightly and gave his arm a squeeze.
"I know so."
Dinner was eye opening for Cody, as were the next several days of his visit. Teaspoon had tried to eat his stew with his knife at first, and only grumbled when Rachel placed the right utensil in his hands. In the morning as Cody woke in the spare bedroom next to Teaspoon and Rachel's room. He could hear Rachel negotiating with Teaspoon, asking him to lift his arms so she could help him dress, encouraging him to put his pants on. It was sinking in how much Teaspoon had changed. He tried to reconcile the Teaspoon he remembered from his younger days, to the man he was starting to know. It felt odd, part of him wished he could freeze his memories of the man he had admired so much. The times when Teaspoon had been strong, tireless, unafraid. When he confused them all with his wisdom or made them laugh with his new fangled contraptions and his sharp wit. He only saw glimpses of that now, like shooting stars streaking across the sky. The darkness seemed so much darker when reminded of what the light had been.
He and Rachel had talked further over the details of how he could help. He went as far as to ask them to move to North Platte with his family, but Rachel had politely declined as Cody suspected she would. Rock Creek was their home, as simple as that. She said she would write if there was ever cause to change her mind, and Cody supposed he'd have to settle for that for now.
It was the last night of his stay, he had seen the rest of his acquaintances in town, including Tompkins, and his train would be leaving in the morning. He had felt good helping out Rachel, even for a little while, so when she told him a few of her lady friends from town had invited her to their quilting circle, Cody insisted she go. He sat on the porch with Teaspoon now and watched Rachel fuss over Teaspoon's blanket as she prepared to leave.
"I really don't need to go to this Billy, not on your last night." She said as she smoothed her hands over her dress.
"You do so need to go. When was the last time you went out, just by yourself?"
Rachel opened her mouth to answer, but then furrowed her brow in thought.
"You can't even remember, it's been so long, ain't that right?" Cody chuckled a bit at Rachel's sheepish expression.
"Us men will be just fine, ain't that right Teaspoon?"
Teaspoon perked up at his name, and looked at Rachel with confusion.
"Where are you going?"
"Just over to Maude Gentry's. I'll be home shortly. Maybe only an hour or two... you'll keep this blanket on for me? There's a chill to this evening air."
She bent over to embrace him, and he reached his face up to kiss her cheek.
"Hurry home," he said gruffly.
"I will," she smiled brightly at Teaspoon, then to Cody, "If the newspapers could see the pair of you handsome men sitting on this porch," she giggled. Then she stepped closer so only Cody could hear her.
"Seems like he's having a good night tonight, Billy, maybe he'll be up to some talking. Sometimes he does get a bit agitated at sundown. Just take him inside if that's the case... and don't be afraid to come get me, alright?"
Cody stood up and put a reassuring arm around her shoulder.
"We'll be just fine, go out and have a good time."
"Thank you, Billy." She said as she gave his face a gentle pat, before walking towards town. Cody couldn't help but smile at the slight spring in her step, she needed a break more than she let on.
"Well, Teaspoon, looks like it's just you and me." Cody said as he pulled his chair next to Teaspoon's on the porch and sat back down. Teaspoon blinked and looked around.
"Where's Rachel?"
"She went to quilt with some ladies in town, she'll be back soon."
Teaspoon grunted in response. He looked at Cody with a frown. Cody was used to this expression by now. He figured Teaspoon was trying to place him in his hazy memories. So far there had never been a light of recognition to follow that frown. Teaspoon sighed and let his gaze fall to the horizon and to the setting sun. They sat in silence for a while before Teaspoon spoke again.
"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players..."
Cody turned his head and did a double take. Teaspoon was sitting up straighter and looking at him sharply now.
"What was that?"
"It's Shakespeare, I used to know the whole... monologue. It was bout the seven stages of man... how we end near where we began. I thought of it, looking at you. You remind me of a boy I knew who was meant for the stage long ago. I told him the stage would wait for him. He didn't have much faith in it then, but Shakespeare also said, to not be afraid of greatness, that some men were born great, some achieve greatness, some have it put upon them. I always thought... thought he was born for it." Teaspoon fell silent then and turned his gaze away.
Cody couldn't help but stare at him, tears sprang to his eyes and a few fell unheeded.
"Teaspoon, that was me, Cody... you told me the stage would always be there for me after the first time I tried to be in a play... You, you really thought that?" Cody's voice cracked as he asked the question. He waited for Teaspoon to answer, but it seemed like the moment of clarity had passed, and hazy clouds had moved back over his memory.
"Thank you, I don't know why exactly, but I needed you say something like that to me. Means more than you'll probably ever know." Cody said quietly, more to himself than to Teaspoon.
"Where's Rachel?" Teaspoon asked again suddenly.
"She went to do some quilting, she'll be back soon." Cody assured.
"No, don't want to be out here no more. Rachel!... Rachel!" Teaspoon called, getting increasingly agitated.
He threw his off his blanket and tried to stand up without his cane. Cody jumped to his feet and reached out quickly to steady Teaspoon.
"I'll help you inside, com'on Teaspoon, here's your cane."
"Don't need your help... Rachel!" He called again as he shuffled to the edge of the porch.
"Teaspoon, she'll be back before you know it. I'll make you some tea, we'll find your favorite picture book. The one with the birds, come on now, please?" Cody tried to keep his increasing alarm out of his voice as he firmly steered a muttering Teaspoon inside.
Soon the tea was made and Teaspoon was settled with his book and the mood seemed to have passed. Cody was finally able to breathe easy once Rachel returned and helped Teaspoon to bed.
"I don't know how you do it, Rachel. I think I handled it alright, but that turn of his mood..." Cody said once Rachel joined him back downstairs. She sat down next to him.
"It can be a little upsetting some days, but he usually settles down pretty quickly... as to how I do this, well aside from there not being much of a choice, I love him, Billy. I will love him even after he forgets he loves me."
Cody thought about Rachel's words on the train the next morning as he headed home. They almost shamed him. She loved Teaspoon unconditionally, like her vows had said, for better or for worse. He wished he could say the same about Louisa and their contentious marriage. He decided he needed to stay home for a while, with Louisa and little Irma. It would be good for the family, but also good for his own soul. Then his thoughts drifted back to Teaspoon, how he had appeared on the first day they met so long ago. Teaspoon had sized them up, strutting around snapping his suspenders. He taught them about his ol' bag of tricks and so much more. Different memories of Teaspoon flashed through his mind, memories that included his fallen brothers, as well as the ones he still had. He would have to write long letters to both Buck and Kid and Lou when he got home. There was so much to tell them. The thought made him smile bigger. Teaspoon's kids. That's what they were, even though it wasn't by blood. They would remember their father figure, tomorrow and long after Teaspoon had no memories left of his own. They would remember him in the years to come, after he had passed. The spirit of what made Teaspoon so wonderfully unique now lived on in them, just waiting to be passed on. Irma would be waiting for him when he walked in the door of his home tonight. Cody closed his eyes and thought of her precious little arms wrapped tight around his neck as he held her. She would be getting a different bedtime story tonight. She would get the story of a great man named Teaspoon.
A/N: I got the idea for this story about six months ago, after visiting my grandpa in his nursing home. It look me this long to get the courage to tackle this story, and it is only because I wanted to write this for him in time for Memorial Day, that it got written at all. It's definitely the most personal story I have written thus far. I wanted to dedicate it to two of my grandparents.
Evelyn- You've been gone for two years now, but I disappeared from your mind over a dozen years before. I sat on your lap as a kid and you made up stories for me on the spot. You taught yourself piano, and taught me simple little tunes. We'd sing old hymns together. You ability to play was one of the last things to go. You were a nurse, mom to five kids, grandma and great grandma to many more. There was always room for one more at your table. You loved and were loved... and you are missed.
George- Watching you slip away is so hard for me... you have been and done so much. You were a hero in WWII, a pilot. You saved the lives of your crew and spent time as a POW, and after all that, you came home, became an engineer and had six kids. I have so many good memories with you, I loved to hear all your stories. You always believed in me. I miss you even when I'm sitting across from you.
So yes, memory does fade, but the legacy remains in the hearts of the ones left behind and it is our honor to do so. No one has done that more than EJM... Thank you.
Thanks for reading :)