Dear Han,
if you are reading this letter, you know what happened perfectly.
I can see you, Han. Right now, you're trying to wipe the tears from your eyes that come so naturally, asking yourself Why? and you probably are in the Falcon. You don't want anyone to see you, or to talk to you. I know you, my Han.
I'm going to answer to all your questions, one at time. Or maybe I won't answer to some of these, because you'll have to find the answer inside your heart, near the place where you will put me, safe and immortal.
You're asking yourself why. Why I terminated myself in such a way, why did I leave you, our kids, my brother, our world. Why I decided to fly away from here, in a way you could have never guessed, for reasons nobody can't seem to find. And while flowers and tears arrive from every corner of the galaxy, you'll get your answers in this piece of paper already wet with your tears.
It is for you, my Han. For you'll never see the way my lips become dry, my face gets paler and my eyes close with the silent, graceful, yet fatal touch of the Death. You'll never have to say things such as "you'll make it through, Leia" or "hold on". And our children will never see their mother killed by someone, and will never hate anyone for this. Just me, maybe, for having left them, so young and unlearned, but that's the price I have to pay.
You'll never need a death bed apology or remember me with wounds all over my body. You'll remember me in all my beauty, smiling, holding you.
You are hating me for this, and I know, but one day you will thank me. Thank me for all the harm I caused you, for a better good. And now you're cursing, saying that this just a stupid theory of mine, that took my life away from me, your happiness, a mother, a wife, a senator. And our children will agree with you; I can see Jaina, she's 18, and cries because she can't ask her mother what to do. She hates me for this, everyday of her life, and loves you more. That's another reason, Han. Our children will love you more than you can imagine and be thankful for you being their father. They would have not appreciated so fully your qualities, if I would have been there with them.
Han, my careless Han, you don't care about our children's love, as long as I was still with you. Why did I do this? you're hating me more and more as this letter goes on, and hating yourself for hating me. And you're trying to find the words to say to Luke, Luke who was so close to me, Luke who will be devastated by the death of his sister, the only piece of his family that remained…
You don't need words for Luke; he already knows. He felt my death, and of this I'm sure. Death makes everything clear, and death such the one I am going to give to myself makes everything even clearer. I will give myself a gentle death, just like if I'm falling asleep. And you'll be my last thought.
If you're thinking that I had no good reasons for this, you're perfectly right. Han, you know me so well. You know that also if I look strong sometimes I am as weak as anyone can be. And a weak coward I was. A selfish weak coward, who gives you some silly reasons for having left you so early, with three kids to take care of, a planet and… what else?
Han, believe me, it's terrible to say goodbye. You remember the last words I said to you? I knew those were my last words and you didn't. In your mind, you will find these words harmful like a sword. Yet, try to remember, my darling.
"I think I'll get some sleep, Han. I'm very tired, I'll lock the door. Don't open for any reason."
"Sure you're ok?"
"Of course, Han. What a stupid thing to say. I'm perfectly ok, I'm just really tired."
"Ok, honey. See you later, then, I love you." you kissed me, remember?
"Han?"
"Yes, Leia?"
"I love you. Please remember this, always. And I love the kids, too. I can't be more original, but…"
"Leia? You are talking nonsense. You must be really tired. Of course I know all this stuff. Besides, why do you need to be original?"
"I just…need to. Sometimes."
"Ok…well, see you later, then"
I didn't answer.
You deserve the perfect last words, and I'm sorry for everything this letter will cause to you. You don't have to show it to anyone, my dear. It's yours. Only yours. I can imagine your face when you'll open the door, because almost three hours will have passed, and you would like me to come to dinner; I can imagine the shock you will have, how you won't believe what the doctors will say, when they'll shook their heads and say…
"I am so sorry, Solo. Her Highness committed suicide in a way that no one could have saved her. It's not your fault, at all. You couldn't have helped it. It was…her choice."
Her choice. This two words, you will remember them for a very long time. You'll probably run to my room and find this. And now, you're cursing even more.
For I knew and chose what I was doing all way long.
My Han, please forgive me. Not now, not tomorrow, not next year. Maybe, on your deathbed, you will. But before, I hope your life will be happy without me, and you will grow up our children asking them not to hate their weak, coward mother. But I won't blame you if you won't do so. I did so much in only two hours to hate me for the rest of your life.
And if you wish to forget me, you'll just have to do so. The kids are young: teach them their mother has died in a terrible accident, and loved them more than ever. Don't ever tell them that I knew about my Death and preferred it to them. That would be the easiest thing to do, the kids will learn this, the Galaxy too, Luke will shut his mouth understanding you, and within ten years you will think that I really had an accident, and this letter will be found only years after your death.
But Han! Please think of me sometimes, maybe on Jaina's wedding day, or on Jacen's first school day. The first time Anakin will try to run for the Senate. Think of me, of my weakness and of the love I will never give you. Think of me, take a rose to my grave, sometimes. And think of me as my mother, maybe. Try to understand my madness and control your hate, try to love me…as you can love a sweet memory.
And live, live, live, as much as you can. That is the most important thing my death should teach you. To live as happily as you can, for you can never be certain of nothing.
I will love you, and protect you always.
Han! Han! One day you will understand, Life is Better than Death, if you deserve it.
Leia Organa Skywalker Solo