Author's Note: This is a rewritten version of The Random Menace. It is a humor/parody of Episode I of the Star Wars saga (with quotes and some passages taken from the book) and it is not meant to be taken seriously. I hope that you enjoy it, get a good laugh out of it, and reviews are always appreciated.
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, I never have, I never will and I am only saying this once so I will not repeat it in later chapters. I also don't own any wrestling moves in this story.
The Random Menace Reloaded
1
Onboard the Phobic's Dirty Ship
The small Republic space cruiser, its red color the symbol of ambassadorial neutrality, knifed through star blackness toward the emerald bright planet of Naboo and the cluster of Trade Federation fleet ships that encircled it.
Of course, Jedi Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi didn't see any of this. He should have been with his master in the cockpit greeting Viceroy Idiot Gunray, I mean Nute Idiot, I mean Nute Gunray, yeah, that's it, but he wasn't. Instead, he was in the main hold of the ship, sponge in hand washing the floors and muttering to himself.
"How the blazes did they manage to get the floors so dirty? I just washed them yesterday," Obi-Wan muttered tossing the sponge into the bucket of soapy water and pulling out a mop.
"Obi-Wan, where are…?" Obi-Wan's Jedi Master, Qui-Gon Jinn, slipped on the wet floor and skidded across the floor nearly crashing into the bucket of soapy water.
"Blast it, Master. I just cleaned there," the Padawan cried.
Qui-Gon pushed himself to his feet. "Yes, well, we're here, Padawan. I have been trying to tell you that for the last half hour," he said holding on to the wall to keep from slipping on the wet floor again.
"I need to finish cleaning this floor, Master," Obi-Wan said.
"No you don't. It's fine and how the Force did you manage to get that into the cruiser without me noticing?"
"You were too busy badgering the poor captain into letting you have that…" Obi-Wan pointed to the caf machine, "…installed onboard the ship. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm not done yet." He began mopping the floor again and Qui-Gon let out a long despairing sigh.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the captain was getting agitated. Not from impatience, at least she refused to say that it was impatience she was feeling even though that was really the reason why she was agitated. Gunray had been hailing them for the past half hour and the Jedi the captain was escorting to the planet hadn't given her clearance to answer the call.
"Oh screw this. I'm answering it," she growled before she jabbed her finger onto the console to answer Gunray's call just as the door slid open and Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn made his way into the cockpit dragging the young handsome man that was his Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi, behind him.
"I wasn't finished yet," Obi-Wan protested. "There's still dirt on the floor."
"Oh calm down, Padawan. The ship's not even going to last much longer anyway," Qui-Gon snapped.
"What?" The captain asked.
"Nothing. Did you contact the battleship?"
"Hello, I'm right here you blind idiots!" Viceroy Nute Idiot, er Gunray, shouted from the viewscreen.
"Did he just call us blind idiots?" Obi-Wan asked with a frown.
"Please don't hurt me, I'm sorry," Idiot, I mean Gunray, shouted.
Qui-Gon rolled his eyes. "Captain, tell them we wish to board at once," he ordered.
"Yes sir. With all due respect, Viceroy, the ambassadors for the supreme chancellor have requested that they be allowed to board immediately," the captain said.
"Of course, of course. They can board immediately although if they have anything of value onboard that ship, like say a caf machine, then they better take it with them since we're going to destroy the ship soon after they get off it. Oh wait, I wasn't supposed to say that. Damn it, now he's going to kill me."
"Yes, well, so can we land or not?" the captain demanded.
"I just said you…AHHH! We're in space! Why didn't anyone tell me we were in space?! I'm afraid of space!" Gunray suddenly screamed before him image on the viewscreen vanished.
"Okay, I really don't want to know why that just happened," Qui-Gon said with a shake of his head before he frowned. "Wait a minute, why don't I have a caf with me?"
"You never refilled your last cup," Obi-Wan said with a shrug.
"I WANT CAF!" Qui-Gon screamed.
"Wow, when you don't have caf, you turn bipolar," Obi-Wan commented.
"Just get me a blasted caf!"
"But that would mean I would have to walk across the floor I just cleaned!"
"I don't care. Go get me a caf before I slice someone in half!"
Both the captain and co-pilot paled.
"Fine." Obi-Wan stalked into the main hold of the ship and over to the caf machine to get his bipolar…
"I HEARD THAT!"
…master a caf.
The two Jedi left the ship once Qui-Gon was happily sipping at the caf Obi-Wan had gotten him. Obi-Wan scanned the area before shaking his head; the hangar was so disorganized with droid parts, dust and—was that a pile of banana peels?—strewn about. If he had his way, the Jedi Padawan would have spent the entire day trying to clean the hangar bay. However, Qui-Gon wouldn't let him as was obvious by what happened next.
"Come on," Qui-Gon said grabbing Obi-Wan's arm and half-dragging him forward to meet with a protocol droid named TC-14. The protocol droid turned around before leading the way out of the bay only to slip on one of the banana peels.
It fell face-first into the ground and could not get up. With a sigh, Obi-Wan pulled the droid to its feet before using the Force to pick up the banana peel and toss it into a nearby garbage chute. Reaching out with the Force, he was about to do the same for the other peels he could see but Qui-Gon grabbed his arm.
"We don't have time for that! LET'S GO!" he shouted.
"You're out of caf, aren't you?" Obi-Wan asked warily.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK?!"
"TC, would you mind getting him a caf before he goes ballistic?"
TC nodded but led them down a series of hallways to an empty conference room and motioned them inside. "I hope your honored sirs will be comfortable here," it said. "My master will be with you shortly."
"I DON'T CARE. JUST GET ME A BLASTED CAF!" Qui-Gon screamed.
"Right away sir." The protocol droid quickly hurried away and Obi-Wan now grabbed his master's arm before dragging him into the conference room and toward a seat at the table.
"I have a bad feeling about this," he said.
"Don't jinx us, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said suddenly calm. Wow, he really did turn bipolar when he didn't have his caf. Or perhaps he is bipolar and caf helps him control it. One can never know when it comes to Qui-Gon Jinn. "Whenever you have a bad feeling, something bad always happens. Besides, I don't sense anything."
Obi-Wan shrugged. "It's not about here, Master. It's not about this mission. It's something…" he broke off before he frowned and walked over to a random closet in the room, why there was a closet in the room, no one knew, and pulled out a broom. Why there was a broom in a conference room, no one knew. Perhaps the janitor left it there.
He began sweeping the room though Qui-Gon couldn't see anything for him to sweep up. "There's nothing there, Padawan," he growled.
"Yes there is. It's so dusty in this room. How long has it been since they've used it?" Obi-Wan protested and Qui-Gon could see a growing pile of dust in the center of the room. "I meant, there're cobwebs in this room." He pointed to the corners were large cobwebs, on which large spiders were placed, were situated.
"So what was it about your bad feeling?" Qui-Gon asked. Making conversation with his Padawan was the best way he could think of to not think about the fact that he didn't have a caf though he was wondering: where was that blasted protocol droid?!
"It's elusive," Obi-Wan said.
"Don't center on your anxiety, Obi-Wan. Keep your concentration on the here and now, where it belongs."
"Master Yoda says I should be mindful of the future—well, at least I think that's what he was trying to say, he kept going on about loving everyone, rainbows and he kept calling me 'man'—but still…"
"Not at the expense of the present though," Qui-Gon said and, when Obi-Wan looked at him, he added, "Be mindful of the living Force, my young Padawan. As for what Yoda was trying to say, no one understands him. I have a hard time understanding him and he keeps calling me 'man' too."
Obi-Wan went back to sweeping. "How do you think the viceroy will deal with the supreme chancellor's demands?"
"These people are idiots, er I mean they're cowards. Well, they're idiots too but that's beside the point. They will not be hard to persuade, unless an evil Sith Lord is telling them what to do but what are the odds of that? The negotiations will be short."
On the bridge of the Trade Federation battleship, Daultay Dofine was gazing in surprise at the protocol droid while a few other Neimoidians were attempting to coax Viceroy Nute Gurnay out of his hiding place beneath one of the consoles. When he had discovered he was in space, of which he was deadly terrified, he had hidden beneath a console, curled into a fetal position and refused to come out. That left Dofine in charge of the bridge…again.
"What did you say?" he demanded.
"The ambassadors are Jedi Knights. One of them is a Jedi Master. I am quite certain of it."
"NO! First I'm in space and now I have to deal with the Jedi! Get me the hell out of here!" Gunray screamed uncurling from his fetal position and dashing away until Dofine, with a sigh, tripped him.
"Calm down, Gunray." Really, Dofine felt like a parent trying to calm down a terrified kid and the sad thing was, this wasn't the first time Gunray has reacted like this. Usually, it was because of being in space or seeing yellow letters flying through space. Dofine was sure that Gunray had been tipping the Corellian whiskey, for some reason he loved Corellian whiskey, too much when he told him about that one. Yellow letters flying through space was just ridiculous.
"Droid, go distract those Jedi while Gunray here contacts Lord Sidious," Dofine ordered.
"I'm not contacting Sidious. He's scary," Gunray sobbed.
Dofine sighed. "You have to. He won't listen to me. He always calls me a stunted piece of slime."
"But he's scary!"
"Would you rather I have the droid contact Sidious and send you to distract the Jedi?"
"No! The Jedi are scarier!"
Dofine blinked. Never thought he would actually hear someone say that the Jedi were scarier than the Sith. Weird. "Come on, just contact him."
"You contact him!" Gunray returned to his hiding place beneath the console curling into a fetal position.
Dofine sighed angrily but nodded and triggered a holographic communication. It was several long minutes before the hologram began to appear. As it did so, a stoop-shouldered, dark-robed shape appeared, cloaked and hooded so that nothing of its face could be seen.
"Why the Force do you always contact me at the most inconvenient of times?!" Darth Sidious shouted anger and impatience coloring his tone.
"Um, well, it's just…" Dofine began before faltering. No wonder Gunray always fainted after talking with Sidious, which Dofine had always blamed on the fact that Gunray was afraid of everything, Sidious really was scary.
"Why are you in my line of sight, you stunted piece of slime? Where is Gunray?" Sidious demanded.
"Curled in a fetal position beneath one of the consoles," Dofine answered truthfully.
"What scared him this time?"
"What didn't scare him would be the better question? The Republic ambassadors are Jedi Knights," Dofine said.
"You interrupted my shower for that?! Take care of it!"
"They're Jedi Knights. We don't dare go against the Jedi!" Dofine shouted.
"And this is why I will forever call you a stunted piece of slime. This turn of events is unfortunate but not fatal. We must accelerate our plans, aide. Tell the Viceroy when you manage to get him out from beneath the console that you are going to begin landing your troops. At once."
"Is that legal?" Dofine asked.
"Is what legal?"
Dofine frowned. "What you just ordered me to do," he said.
"What did I just order you to do? Oh whatever, just do whatever it was I ordered you to do even though I can't, for the life of me, remember what that order was."
"What about the Jedi?"
"The supreme chancellor should never have brought the Jedi into this. Kill them now. Immediately."
"Isn't that a bit redundant? Why not just say kill them now or kill them immediately?"
"I have no idea of what it is you are talking about, aide. Just do as I said and DON'T CALL ME AGAIN!" Without waiting for a response, the hologram of the Sith Lord vanished.
Dofine turned to Rune Haako, one of the Neimoidians who had been trying to get Gunray out from beneath the console but had given up, before saying, "Blow up their ship. I will send a squad of battle droids to finish them."
In the conference room in which they had been left, Qui-Gon watched as Obi-Wan dusted off the cobwebs and killing the spiders.
"Is it customary for Neimoidians to make their guests wait this long?" Obi-Wan asked.
The protocol droid entered the room before Qui-Gon could respond. Qui-Gon glared at it. "It took you fifteen minutes to get back here. WHERE THE KRIFF IS MY CAF?!" he shouted igniting his lightsaber.
"Calm down, ma…wow, you're dusty droid," Obi-Wan said picking up a feather duster, where that came from no one knew although Qui-Gon was sure it was from Obi-Wan's cloak, and began dusting off the droid.
"You're getting dust into my caf!"
"No I'm not. There's a lid on it," Obi-Wan said using the Force to hand Qui-Gon his caf.
"Who puts a lid on a caf? Stupid droid!"
"Put your lightsaber away, Master," Obi-Wan said before frowning. "Damn, the hilt of your lightsaber needs polishing."
"Leave my lightsaber alone," Qui-Gon said.
"Well clean it once and a while."
An explosion rocked the room, spilling the drinks…
"NO!" Qui-Gon screamed. "Not my caf!"
…sending the tray with its food skidding toward the edge of the table the protocol droid had placed on the table. Obi-Wan put his feather duster away and ignited his lightsaber as the protocol droid backpedaled quickly, arms lifting, muttering its apologies, looking every which way at once.
"What happened?" Obi-Wan asked.
Qui-Gon frowned. "I felt a disturbance in the Force. As if a thousand bags of caf had suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced."
"How can you sense caf?"
"They destroyed our ship," Qui-Gon said instead.
"No! I just finished cleaning it!" Obi-Wan shouted in protest.
And that's when gas started to leak into the room.
"I just finished sweeping…" Obi-Wan broke off with a growl.
"Gas," Qui-Gon said to Obi-Wan in warning.
"Really? I thought someone had turned on the fog machine."
"Sarcasm really doesn't suit you."
"I wasn't being sarcastic. There's a fog machine in the corner."
Qui-Gon blinked before looking and, to his surprise, Obi-Wan was right.
On the bridge, Dofine and Haako watched through a viewscreen as a squad of battle droids marched into the hallway just outside the conference room in which the Jedi were trapped. At least, that's what Dofine thought but one could never be certain when it came to Jedi. Knowing his luck, they were already gone and halfway to the hangar bay.
"They must be dead by now but make certain," Dofine ordered the droids just in case he was wrong.
"Shouldn't Gunray be telling us this?" the battle droid asked.
"Ahh! It's a droid! I'm terrified of droids!" Gunray shouted before rushing back to his hiding place and Dofine groaned. He had just gotten Gunray out from beneath the console.
"Does that answer your question, droid?' he asked.
"No. What is it we were supposed to do?" the forgetful droid asked.
"Go…check…and…see…if…the…Jedi…are…dead…yet," Dofine said slowly so that, he hoped, the droid would understand. Unfortunately, his hopes were in vain.
"I'm not dead yet, sir," the droid said.
"You will be if you don't do what I just told you to do."
"Roger, roger." The droid began walking but stopped. "What does that mean anyway?"
"I don't know, I don't care, just do as you're ordered!" Dofine shouted.
"Roger, roger. Now what was I doing?"
Dofine had the sudden urge to bang his head against the wall. "You, droid, destroy that one," he ordered and watched as the one who was holding the comlink shot the droid he had been talking to.
"Whhhhhyyyy?" the droid shouted before it was destroyed.
The other battle droids opened the door as Dofine switched off the hologram. They stepped back and a cloud of noxious blue…
"It's supposed to be green," Dofine muttered.
…gas poured from the room and a solitary figure stumbled into view, arms waving.
"Excuse me, sirs, I'm so sorry," TC-14 babbled as it maneuvered through the battle droids, holding aloft its tray of scattered food and spilled drinks.
Unfortunately, the blue gas obscured everything on the view screen so Dofine couldn't see anything and alarms began to blare. "What in blazes is going on down there?" he shouted.
"You've never encountered Jedi Knights before, have you?" Haako asked.
"Well, no, not exactly, seal off the bridge!" he shouted.
"That won't be enough," Haako said; his voice was small and he whispered those words to himself but Dofine heard them nonetheless.
"Get me to my shuttle and get me off this ship. Oh wait, then I'd be in space. NOOOO!" Gunray shouted.
Obi-Wan was slicing through droids and pushing other droids to the ground as they dashed away from the conference room and toward the bridge. "Ah man, now I got to go back and clean this," he said.
"Let them do their job. You don't have to clean this. We need to get off this ship and get me a caf or two!" Qui-Gon shouted.
"But…?"
"No 'buts', let's go."
They finally reached the bridge and Qui-Gon sank his lightsaber into the door. Obi-Wan kept guard behind him holding his lightsaber aloft before he frowned and stretched out with the Force.
"Don't start cleaning, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon shouted hammering at the blast door with every ounce of strength he possessed, determined to break through to the treacherous Neimoidians.
That was until Obi-Wan spotted ten rolling death balls roll into view before unfolding releasing tripods of spidery legs and stunted arms into which laser guns had been built. Crooked spines unlimbered and the droids rose to a standing position, armored heads cocked forward. They were wicked looking, deadly, built for one purpose only and could have been destroyed before they had unfolded.
Blast it, Obi-Wan thought. "Master, rolling death balls," he shouted over his shoulder. "Ah man, looks like I'll be creating more trash. Blast it again!" He began deflecting laser fire from the rolling death balls as Qui-Gon retracted his blade and joined in the fight.
"Let's get out of here," Qui-Gon shouted before he grabbed Obi-Wan's arm and began dragging him away from the rolling death balls.
"Wow, we actually have two Jedi on the run," Haako exclaimed happily.
"Let me go! Let me go!" Gunray screamed as Dofine teamed up with two other Neimoidians to try to pull Gunray from beneath the console.
That was when a call from the communications center behind him came through. "Sir, a transmission from the city of Theed on Naboo," Haako called.
The viewscreen to the planet flickered to life, and a woman's face appeared. She was young, beautiful and serene. An applied beauty mark of deepest crimson split her lower lip and a golden headdress framed her powdery-white face. She stared out at Haako from the screen as if she were so far above and beyond them as to be unapproachable.
Haako stared. "Wow, she's pretty," he exclaimed not realizing he said that out loud until the queen's eyes transferred to him. "It's Queen Amidala herself," he called to Gunray to cover up his mistake.
"Gunray, get out here!" Haako shouted when Gunray didn't show himself.
"Her headdress scares me," Gunray shouted back.
"What doesn't scare you?" Dofine asked not expecting an answer. True to form, Gunray didn't give one.
Haako sighed. I guess I'll have to do this, he thought stepping into view.
"The Trade Federation is pleased you have chosen to come before us, your Highness," he began.
"Where is Viceroy Gunray?" Amidala demanded.
"She scares me! I am not going out there!" Gunray screamed.
"She can't hurt you. She's only a hologram!" Dofine shouted back.
"Oh yeah." Gunray started to pull himself out from beneath the console and Dofine sighed with relief. His relief was short-lived though as Gunray caught sight of droid, cried out in fright, and returned to his hiding place.
"Oh come on!" Dofine shouted angrily.
"I guess I'll just talk to you," Amidala said. "You will not be so pleased when you hear what I have to say, aide. Your trade boycott is ended."
"Really, your Highness? We were not aware—"
"I have word that the Senate is…" Amidala continued ignoring him.
"Don't ignore me!" Haako shouted.
"Shut up before I give you a body slam. I'm trying to talk!" Amidala shouted back. "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, the Senate is finally voting on the matter."
"I take it you know the outcome already then," Haako said. "I wonder why they bother to vote at all."
Amidala leaned forward slightly and Haako could see fire in her brown eyes. "I have had enough of pretense, Aid. I am aware that the supreme chancellor's ambassadors are with you now and that you, or rather Gunray, has been commanded to reach a settlement. What is it to be?"
"I know nothing about any ambassadors. You must be mistaken," Haako said quickly.
"You are the one who was mistaken. Gunray likely knew but he's not there. Beware, the Federation has gone too far this time."
"Your Highness, we would never do anything in defiance of the Senate's will. You assume too much."
Amidala sat motionless. "We shall see," she said softly and the viewscreen went blank.
Haako glanced toward Dofine who had given up in dragging Gunray out from beneath the console. "Well, that went well," he said. "But, to be on the safe side, let's disrupt all communications down there until we're finished with our attack."
"Ugh, this ventilation shaft is so dusty," Obi-Wan complained when they reached the mouth of the large circulation vent that overlooked six massive double-winged Federation landing ships surrounded by a vast array of transports. The transports were large boot-shaped vehicles with bulbous noses. The doors that formed those noses gaped open, racks were extended and thousands of sleek silvery shapes were marching inside in perfect formation to be secured.
"No, you can't…Obi-Wan, stop that!" Qui-Gon protested when Obi-Wan pulled out his feather duster and began wiping away the dust.
"It's so dirty," Obi-Wan complained.
Qui-Gon growled before turning his gaze to the droids. "Battle droids, it's an invasion army," he said.
"No, it's a peaceful protest march," Obi-Wan said sarcastically dusting off another spot on the floor of the ventilation shaft until Qui-Gon grabbed his arm to stop him.
"Stop that. This is an odd play for the Federation," he said. "We've got to warn the Naboo and contact Chancellor Valorum."
Obi-Wan nodded. "We'd best do it somewhere besides here. It's way too dirty here."
His mentor glanced at him. "Maybe we can hitch a ride with our friends down there."
"It's the least they can do after the way they've treated us so far making us stay in a dusty conference room." Obi-Wan pursed his lips. "You were right about one thing, Master."
Qui-Gon glanced at him.
Obi-Wan smiled faintly. "The negotiations were short."
A/n what do you think?
Blaze: and that was the redone version
Darth: cool, what's going to happen in the next chapter.
Blaze: Gunga City, the journey to Theed and, possibly, the rescue of the queen
Darth: ah cool
Blaze: I hope that you like this redone version of this story
Anakin: I DO!
Obi-Wan: you don't make an appearance yet
Anakin: I do….ohh shiny! (Wanders off)
Qui-Gon: (sigh) not again (walks after Anakin)
Obi-Wan: okay then (begins washing Mace's Mustang)
Mace: what are you doing?
Obi-Wan: planting flowers, what does it look like I'm doing?
Blaze: (chuckles) please review and I will post chapter 2 as soon as I possibly can but I doubt it'll be anytime soon