A Brother's Love
I have been inspired by but do not own the stories, settings or characters of Bonanza. No copyright infringement intended.
Thank you for the reviews and tip about starting a new line each time someone new speaks, hope that makes it easier to follow.
Dust kicked up from the horse's hooves as the rider pulled him to a halt outside the livery stable. After making the necessary arrangements for his horse and enquiring where a stranger in town could find a room and hot food, the tall and muscular man brushed some of the trail dust from his work clothes and headed for the International House Hotel.
"A room please and can you tell me where I can get a decent meal?" asked the sandy haired man dropping his saddlebags at his feet.
"Sure thing Mr. eerrr, food is served right through there, do you know how long you'll be staying?" replied Robinson the clerk spinning the ledger around whilst wafting his second hand towards the adjoining dining room.
"Name's Samuels and I'm guessing I'll be here a coupl'a days at least, depending really on how far out the Ponderosa lies, do you know?" came the reply as Samuels completed the register.
"Why yes sir it's one of the largest spreads around here, it's a couple of hours ride I'd guess, do you have business there?" enquired Robinson – thinking to himself - was this dusty yet confident fellow somehow an important businessman, one who could bring further business to this humble hotel?
"Not business as such" replied Samuels pausing to draw breath through his teeth. "I have something important for Joe Cartwright … a promise made to a dear friend" continued Samuels his voice still confident but softening.
"Well sir you are in luck, two of the Cartwrights are in town today and have stopped by to have a meal in our dining room" beamed Robinson as he handed a room key to Samuels, adding "room 12 top of the stairs and turn right Mr. Samuels".
"Thanks for that, can someone drop these into my room please?" said Samuels nodding down at his saddlebags as he dropped the room key onto the desk. Then with more than a little sense of urgency turned towards the dining room.
"Come on Hoss!" cried Joe as his brother ordered dessert. "I know the pie here is great but it's been a long day already and I just wanna get on the road home." Having brought oldest brother Adam into town for the early stage to Sacramento, then loading all those supplies Joe felt like he'd done a day's work already despite it being only just lunchtime. "If you're so keen to hang around here any longer I might just ride back on Cooch alone and leave you to manage that darn full wagon" moaned Joe with a frown.
"Ne'r ya mind lil' brother, le'me polish this off an' we'll git goin'" chuckled Hoss sensing his brother's mood darkening.
At that a tall sandy haired man. who had been perusing the dining room, approached the table. "Joe, Joe Cartwright" the words tumbling from his mouth. Joe and Hoss halted there 'conversation' each looking up at the man, who, from his appearance had clearly just ridden into town. Then before either could say a word. "And you have to be Hoss, just as he described you, both of you, boy I feel like I know you" added Samuels reaching out a hand looking both relieved and happy at once.
"Well ya sure seem happy to see us fella but who the heck are ya?" exclaimed Hoss as Joe rose to his feet casting a questioning glance towards his older brother. Samuels dropped his hand but confidence and enthusiasm undeterred he began to explain.
"Name's Samuels and I've spent the last year'n'a half riding with Clay, Clay Stafford." Samuels paused and seeing the puzzled expressions of both Cartwrights continued "He spoke of you and your family so much, I knew straight away who you were" directing his gaze towards Joe. Hearing that name Joe dropped back into his seat memories flooding his mind. Sharing Pulque, laughter, standing side - by - side against those miners and THAT night - when Clay left leaving Joe behind - unwanted. Clay had spoken of him - Joe, and his family too, to this …. this stranger! Why? To what end? Joe's thoughts were dragged back to the present as Hoss stood up, cupping Samuels' hand in his own, and grinning said "Well it's sure nice to know ya Mr. Samuels".
"It's Ray, Hoss and it's nice to know you too" grinned Samuels in reply.
"So you know Clay, what has he told you, what does he want?" demanded Joe, clearly still not feeling relaxed around this stranger who seemed to know a lot more about Joe and his family than they knew of him. Hearing the bitterness in Joe's words Samuels' demeanour altered. His shoulders dropped and his voice softened.
"I know you are his brother Joe and the way he left things between you ate away at him, I know he loved you dearly" said Samuels solemnly. Joe just stared at Samuels taking in what he'd said – LOVED you dearly, LOVED, LOVED!
"What's happened, what do you mean LOVED!" said Joe, his voice rising with each word.
"Now now Joe, just wait, hear 'im out brother" said Hoss laying a hand on Joe's arm. Samuels sat in the chair opposite Joe, lowered his eyes then looked up at Joe.
"He is - was - a very dear friend, we rode together, fought together, looked out for each other. And I made him a promise. I promised to find you Joe. I promised to deliver …. This." Samuels reached over placing a small silver frame in front of Joe. Hoss' eyes widened, Joe didn't need to turn it over. He recognised it immediately as the picture of his - no their – mother Marie. Joe had given it to Clay the night he left the Ponderosa, despite the mixed feelings of anger and sadness Joe had wanted Clay to have this memory of a mother he had never known.
"He's dead, Clay's gone, how, where, when" stammered Joe fighting back the hot tears threatening to flow, clenching his fists in anger to overcome the waves of grief. Hoss reached for his brother wishing he could stop the pain Joe's trembling body betrayed.
"It was to be our last ride - fight – with sympathisers of Juarez. There was a standoff at a box canyon, we lost many good men." Samuels paused, swallowing hard, then continued. "Clay was hit in the chest - bad - the journey back as far as California nearly killed him but he was determined to get back to you Joe." Samuels paused again lowering his eyes. Joe stared ahead, his body still trembling, he turned the small picture frame over and over in his left hand as Hoss reached for his other arm squeezing it to try and make some kind of comforting contact with his brother. Samuels looked towards Hoss then Joe and continued with obvious sadness in his voice "Now - after weeks the doc said there was nothing more could be done."
The silence at their table was palpable. Hoss spoke first "If'n you can, Ray, tell us where Clay's been laid to rest."
Ray Samuels looked at Hoss his eyes filled with regret "Clay ordered me to leave - to fulfil my promise - I don't think he wanted me …. there ….. at the end". He then turned to Joe, swallowing back the emotion that was washing over him, "He was being cared for by the doc and the Hotel manager's daughter, he wasn't alone Joe."
This time the silence was split apart as Joe leapt to his feet leaning across the table to Samuels, grabbing the startled man's collar and almost screaming in his face "He's alive! You left him to suffer alone! How could you! You're no friend to my brother or to me! Where is he! How could you!" The words firing from Joe's mouth just as if he were repeatedly hitting the hammer of his pistol, his eyes glowing in anger his body rigid with the anguish that overwhelmed him. Hoss pulled Joe away from Samuels and back into his chair. Hoss had to hold his arm across Joe's pounding chest until he felt his brother's body begin to relax.
"I'm s-sorry, it tore me apart having to leave Clay but he insisted … none of us got to say a proper goodbye I guess …." Samuels' words dried up as he looked Joe straight in the eye.
Joe could see the pain in Samuels' eyes and he gasped inwardly before firing one last question his way "Where is he?" Samuels drew in a breath and replied "Placerville - I left him at the hotel there 2 days ago".
At that Joe sprung to his feet and ran from the dining room, Hoss calling after him (knowing exactly what his younger brother planned to do) "Joe wait, ya can't go rushin' off like this, it's best part of 100 miles, wait we need t' get things sorted first…" Hoss realised his words fell on deaf ears.
"He's going isn't he" said Samuels, a statement rather than a question. He understood that the love Clay clearly had for his brother was matched by that of Joe for Clay. Oh please let him make it, he thought to himself, let my betrayal have been worth it.
"Dang hot-headed brother o' mine sure is…." Responded Hoss, breaking Samuels' train of thought. With that Hoss rushed from the International House towards where their wagon and Cochise had been tied up ready for the ride home.
"Joe, Joe just hang on one dang minute wontcha. You can't rush off on a journey like that!" Yelled Hoss as he approached Joe already untying Cochise and tightening the cinch on the saddle.
"There's no time to waste Hoss, Cooch has had a fair rest here in town and with the full moon we should be able to travel when it's cooler." Joe paused glancing up at his brother and, seeing the concern on Hoss' face, grinned and added "toss me your canteen, we'll be fine". Hoss dutifully threw Joe his canteen from the wagon and sighed, he knew there was going to be no stopping Joe and he kinda understood.
"You be careful out there Little Joe …you know we all love ya." Joe swung up onto Cochise and gave his brother a warm smile, then digging his heels into Cochise's side he took off leaving a trail of dust in his wake. "Take care little Joe, we're right there with ya" Hoss said aloud turning back to the hotel head down hands stuffed into his pockets.
For the first hour Joe kept up a fast pace but, as his heartrate slowed and his thoughts moved to planning what he HAD to do rather than what he YEARNED to do, he slowed. Then Joe smiled to himself, brother Adam would have passed somewhere along here on his way to Sacramento this morning, planning ahead would be exactly what Adam would do. "We'll be fine Cooch, only a few more hours 'til sundown. We'll get you rested then move off before sunup whilst it's cool, the moon should be full and there's not a cloud in the sky. We'll be fine". All the time Joe felt an ache in his chest. How he hoped Clay would be waiting for him. How he hoped Samuels' prognosis was wrong. He would bring Clay back to the Ponderosa, to his family. At that thought the ache was replaced by a warm feeling. Yes he would concentrate on how he was gonna get Clay home. Keep the fear that his brother would be forever lost to him at bay.
Hoss was no slouch, after thanking Ray Samuels and adding that he should visit the Ponderosa while he was in town, Hoss was on the road home. As Hoss approached the ranch house he felt his insides flip, just like Pa was gonna do when he found out just what little brother was up to. Without pausing to unload the wagon he went inside finding his father sat at his desk. Ben looked up from his papers to see Hoss, hands in pockets, head down - why he hadn't even removed his hat or gunbelt – what was wrong? Had Adam made the stage alright? And where was Joseph! "What is it Hoss? Adam? Little Joe? What's wrong?" asked Ben, the concern beginning to register in his voice. Hoss proceeded to recount the events of the afternoon. Although pleased to hear that Adam had started his journey well, Ben was more than a little agitated at the thought of the journey Joe was undertaking.
Joe was saddling Cochise after just a couple of hours rest. He had chosen to rest up against three large boulders close to the trail. There had been some scrub and a little grass for Cochise and a few bites of hardtack, from the bottom of his saddlebag, for Joe. Each having had a long cool drink they were ready to continue. Although the cool of the night would make things easier on Cochise it would also mean a slower pace. But, figured Joe, it also meant they'd be further along come daylight hours without having to push too hard. His hope, to make it to Placerville by night fall. "We'll be fine Cooch, everything is in our favour, the weather, the well-travelled trail, we'll be fine". With a gentle nudge and click from Joe they moved back onto the trail. Joe felt the ache in his chest trying to return, he swallowed it down and began thinking to himself what Clay would say when he saw Joe walk into his room. Yes Clay was gonna be there to greet him, he wasn't lost, Joe was gonna bring him home. We'll be fine Cooch" Joe said aloud sounding as sure as he possibly could be.
His saddlebags over his shoulder, Ben walked over to where Hoss was finishing saddling Buck for an early start. "Ya sure I can't come along Pa, it's nearly a two day ride" asked Hoss as Ben approached.
"No son, with Adam away I need you to stay here and take care of things. And …..well I don't know what I'm going to find when I get to Placerville, how long I'm going to need". With that Ben mounted Buck and, with a squeeze to Hoss' shoulder, rode out of the yard.
It was nearly dusk as Joe came to the outskirts of Placerville, he sighed in relief. Then that ache in his chest returned and threatened to crawl up into his throat. Joe nudged Cochise on into town at a trot, thoughts already flooding his mind, he needed to concentrate, what to do now. "Gotta get you settled first Cooch, you've earned a rest and a great bag of oats….. we did it Cooch, we did it" and lovingly slapping Cochise on the neck, jumped down outside the livery stable. After handing over Cochise's reigns and paying Dan at the Livery for the best care for his horse, Joe made his way hurriedly to the hotel.
Joe checked with the desk clerk which room Clay was in and rushed to climb the stairs, his mind in a whirl. We did it Cooch he thought to himself, heart racing and full of hope.
"Mr. Cartwright" called the desk clerk after him. "The doctor's with him at present and Miss Alice, you might want to wait". Joe paused for the briefest of moments looking back over his shoulder then pushed on taking the stairs two at a time. At the top of the stairs Joe turned to the right to find a smartly dressed man and a young lady talking in hushed tones.
The man held a doctor's bag and was giving instructions. "Try to get him to take the pain medication and keep those steaming pots going as best you can. We can't ventilate the room as the dust from the streets will only set him coughing and choking again. You've been such a help Alice, thank you. I'll call back in the morning – unless you need me sooner".
"Thank you Doctor Michaels" replied Alice "My heart goes out to him, the little we can do to ease his discomfort is a pleasure, and now his friend has left, well…."
The doctor squeezed her arm and turned - straight into Joe. "Excuse me young man" began the doctor as Joe interrupted "You're looking after my brother Clay – how is he?"
"You must be Joe, Clay has talked of you so much, I'm so glad you came!" exclaimed Alice.
"Not good I'm afraid son" said the doctor and, with a somewhat solemn look towards Joe, he bid them goodbye and left as Alice directed Joe to Clay's room.
"He's in quite some pain but we cannot get him to take any pain medication." explained Alice. "Maybe you can convince him. He hasn't slept in his bed for several nights now, if we could just get him comfortable the rest would help him so much" she continued. Now, standing at the door, Joe hesitated. This has been what the past day and a half's journey had been about. He'd heard what Samuels, the Doc and Alice had been telling him about Clay, but had he really listened. Joe swallowed down the nervous knot in his throat ready to try and set his face just like his big brother Adam – whatever I find I cannot let Clay see how bad it looks he thought to himself. Alice touched Joe's forearm and smiled. Joe nodded and opened the door.
There on the chaise longue sat Clay. He was so thin! He had dark circles around his eyes and his mouth was drawn in a thin line, he was clearly in pain. Joe took in the scene with the steaming pots lying around, the table piled with bandages and medicine bottles. This is a sick room thought Joe, how is anyone meant to feel good about themselves in this.
A strangled cough followed by "Joe?" drew Joe's gaze back to his brother. Joe hoped his face was still fixed despite his heart breaking. But he couldn't hold it together, every emotion filled his heart at once, he rushed to Clay's side dropping to the floor next to him. Tears pooled in Joe's eyes as he reached out a hand to his brother, tenderly touching his arm. Joe then felt himself grinning from ear to ear, the joy at seeing Clay again won out, his heart fit to burst. "We did it Cooch" he whispered to himself.
"Joe - surprised to see you little brother….." Clay's words tailed off with a cough as he squeezed Joe's arm . Clay's eyes seemed to develop a slight sparkle and he wore the biggest smile. Alice sighed a happy sigh and smiling, left the brothers alone. Once outside the room she leant against the closed door and cried.
Inside the room the silence was broken by Clay who, whilst having to work hard at every word, wanted to have his say. "Why'd you come Joe, I didn't want you to see me like this." "I gave Ray strict instructions to come find you after – after I …"
"You couldn't have stopped me brother" interrupted Joe. "Anyways I've come to take you home" beamed Joe.
Clay gripped Joe's arm and replied "I'm going nowhere Joe, I'm done in, Doc reckons I shouldn't still be here now" Clay began to laugh which brought on a coughing fit. Clay grabbed the cloth from the side table holding it to his mouth. Joe leapt up looking around him, what could he do. Clay held up his other hand motioning for Joe to sit back down. Once his coughing eased Clay withdrew the cloth and, smiling, continued "but I'm glad I held out to see you one more time". The brothers sat while each composed themselves.
Ben was settling down for the night, he had been travelling since first light and every muscle ached. As he kicked at the embers of his campfire his mind wandered to his 3 Sons. Adam would be nearing Sacramento, possibly bunking down at some way station for the night, unaware of the surprises of the last day. He felt for Hoss who, knowing everything had been left 'holding the fort' and was no doubt worrying about Joe and indeed Ben himself. Ben made a promise to himself to wire Hoss as soon as possible on his arrival at Placerville - once he knew how Joe was. Joe….. And what might his youngest be going through…. What would he find waiting for him? Fighting the possible visions from his mind Ben dropped onto his bedroll hoping tiredness would bring sleep.
For several hours Joe had been regaling Clay with stories of his antics - winding up Adam, getting Hoss embroiled in crazy schemes and the young ladies, oh the young ladies – stolen moments at the dances and flirtatious smiles from across the sidewalk. All the while Clay smiled, the thin drawn mouth gone, his eyes bright as he listened with joy at the tales a young brother should be sharing. Then Joe halted, his face becoming more serious. "Won't you take some of the pain medication?" he asked "You could do with the rest, I know"
Clay cut him off. "Joe I don't want things to be one big foggy blur, I don't want to drift in and out to the end."
"But Clay" Joe responded hotly "you need to rest" then calmly he added "and so do I big brother I've been rattlin' on here for a good few hours you know." Clay smiled and nodded in resignation, he knew how persistent Joe could be and besides each breath was becoming more and more painful. Accepting the medication he then allowed Joe to help him into bed. With Clay settled onto a pile of soft pillows Joe climbed onto the bed beside him, "night brother" he said casually.
"Same to you brother…. and thank you" replied Clay. "For what?" asked Joe softly. "For forgiving me, allowing me to see you again despite the way I left you, for being my brother." Clay's words trailing off in soft breathless gasps. "It's what families do" smiled Joe and added under his breath "please be here in the morning." Joe lay on the bed scared for his brother, so close he could feel the rattling from his weary body fighting for every breath, but so easily Clay could be taken far away from him – forever.
Joe jumped with a start, he'd fallen asleep, tiredness had won out and he'd fallen asleep. How could he…. Clay! Joe's mind was a whirl as the memories of the past 48 hours fell into place and he stilled. There it was the rattling of his brother's laboured breathing. Joe relaxed and sat up turning to look over to Clay.
"Did I wake you brother?" spoke Clay in a breathless whisper.
"Ugh, oh you're awake, no… just a strange dream I guess." replied Joe.
"I wish things could have been different Joe….. But I'm glad we've had this time…" Clay's words now coming even softer as his breathing became more laboured. "It's nearly sun-up, but let's catch a little more shut-eye" added Clay.
Joe lay back on the bed with his hands behind his head listening to the steady shallow gasps coming from Clay. Tears pricked at his closed eyelids as the realisation came that he was going to lose his brother. He surprised himself at the resignation he was feeling, some anger yes but not the heated rage he'd usually be feeling about now. Everything he'd been told was true, even Clay had accepted it, was that transferring to Joe? What was it Pa had said? Whatever Mother Nature was throwing at a person, inside the body was fighting to survive even if the mind wanted it to end. That's what Joe was hearing now, those gasps were Clay's body fighting the inevitable end and Clay was suffering because of that fight. Joe lowered his arm and reached down for Clay's hand. Joe lay there an inner turmoil twisting its way from his stomach to his throat. He wanted to scream, to run, to grab Clay, to fall to the ground and sob. Then Joe felt Clay squeeze his hand. "Thank you Joe, I love you…" Clay's words were barely whispers. Joe rolled onto his side facing Clay and buried his head in Clay's shoulder.
It was about noon when Ben rode into Placerville, he quickly dropped Buck to Dan at the livery and made his way to the hotel. As he introduced himself and enquired of the clerk which room was Clay's Alice approached and put her hand gently on Ben's shoulder. "They've been together since late yesterday afternoon Mr Cartwright." Ben turned as she continued "Doctor Michaels looked in this morning and all was…. peaceful." As she spoke Ben saw tears welling in her eyes. He nodded giving Alice a soft smile and made his way upstairs. Steeling himself he held the door handle, what was he going to find?
As Ben stepped in his eyes were immediately drawn to Joe standing at the window. He was describing the scene outside. To Clay? Ben looked to the bed where Clay lay – dead. Although peaceful, most definitely passed. Ben stepped slowly to the window, placing his hand on Joe's shoulder he spoke softly "I'm sorry son." Joe shrugged his father's hand away. "I was just telling Clay what sort of a day it was…. That it looked fair for our journey….. Home" spoke Joe sounding distracted and distant. Then he turned and clung to his father. Ben held his young son, he felt Joe's body trembling as he wept for Clay.
Alice knocked at the door. It had been almost an hour since the older Mr. Cartwright had gone upstairs and she needed to check in on Clay as the Doctor was unable to make his afternoon call. Her heart had gone out to Mr. Stafford - Clay - on his arrival and although at times seeing his suffering had been hard, she was glad to make his last few days as comfortable as possible. The plan of Mr. Saunders to try and get Clay's brother here in time had at first angered Clay. But seeing the brothers together had lifted her spirits. Seeing the joy in Clay's otherwise pain-filled expression had clearly been worth the deception. She stepped in slowly, biting her lower lip, as she had done for the past few days, for each time she expected to find the worst. That Clay had passed - alone. Glancing around the room made Alice sigh softly, tears welled in her eyes, his suffering was finally over but he had not been alone. Mr. Cartwright was sat at a chair staring ponderously out of the window. Joe was sat on the edge of the bed next to Clay's still form, he was leant forward turning a small silver- something - over and over in his hands. The stillness and quiet was so peaceful all Alice could do was stand and shed silent tears.
It was Joe who looked up first, he gave Alice a weak smile and simply said "Thank you".
Mr. Cartwright stood and walked to Alice, taking her arm he led her to the chair he had vacated. "I'd like to thank you for everything you have done for…. My - family. You have helped at a very difficult time. We are so very grateful." said Ben. "It has been an honour Mr. Cartwright" replied Alice.
She stood and walked towards Joe, dropping onto the floor at his side, and took his hands in hers. "He loved you dearly Joe, I'm so glad you were together…. at the end … it was the happiest I'd seen him … but he is at peace now" Alice spoke softly her voice faltering as tears dropped slowly down her cheeks.
Joe looked up, his red rimmed eyes glistening with tears and replied "You are a very special lady Alice, we were very fortunate to have you caring for us". Alice lowered her eyes then stood and walked from the room, looking back over her shoulder for one last glance at Clay and Joe, brothers together at the end.
Ben walked towards Joe and squeezing Joe's shoulder whispered softly "Let's take him home". Ben then left the room, he knew what he had to do. Clay's only family in New Orleans had betrayed him. It was up to his new family to care for him. Clay was going home - to the Ponderosa. After wiring Hoss, Ben visited the Doctor's office, the Sheriff's office and finally the Undertaker. By the time Ben returned to the hotel the doctor had been and gone. Clay was now laid out on the bed covered in just a plain white sheet, Ben noted the small silver frame laid on top of the crisp sheet. Joe was sat in a chair by the window looking out with unseeing eyes, his mind clearly somewhere else.
He hadn't noticed Ben entering until his Pa was knelt beside him. Joe turned and looked into his father's eyes. Ben could see the pain but also something else – was it peace? "Thanks Pa" said Joe in almost a whisper.
For the past few days his emotions had been in turmoil and Joe had finally found the best way to cope was to let go and submit to the numbness. As he stood tying his tie Adam came into the room.
"We're all ready Joe" he said. Then noting Joe's blank expression and clumsy fingers Adam stepped in to sort out Joe's tie and handed him the jacket which was lying on Joe's bed. Joe took the jacket and put it on without altering his expression, moving almost automatically. Adam had only returned home last night, from Pa's wire he'd some idea of what had happened. But what was making him uncomfortable was this passive blankness from his young brother. Joe was the fiery emotional one, always wearing his heart on his sleeve.
The day went by peacefully. The family had been joined by Roy Coffee and Paul Martin as they gathered at the graveside under a tree in the clearing where Marie lay. After the short service the group walked back to the Ponderosa. Roy broke the silence "It's mighty good of you to let young Clay rest near his mama Ben."
"He never knew her in life Roy, leastways now they can be together, and … well …. we're family" replied Ben glancing towards Joe.
Adam and Hoss walked side by side "I knew he'd take this hard Hoss, but this is wrong. Joe shouldn't be this quiet, it's not how he deals with things." Hoss agreed he had tried to engage Joe, he explained, then let out a long sigh.
Back at the house the conversation had been quietly polite, hardly audible above the clink of china tea cups. Roy and Paul thanked Ben for the hospitality and each made their way to Joe to give their final condolences. Joe barely responded taking each hand in turn without reaching the eyes of either Paul or Roy.
Hop Sing started to clear away the tea things. As he passed Joe he softly said something in his mother tongue. Joe stood up and nodded. He collected the remaining dishes and followed Hop Sing out to the kitchen, all the time never changing his blank expression.
"What is it with those two always chattering away in Chinese?" questioned Hoss with a little irritation.
"You know Joe was part raised by Hop Sing, at least it got some kind of response" replied Adam.
Ben joined Adam and Hoss. "What can we do to shake him out of this – this stupor he's wallowing in?" Ben enquired aloud, expecting no reply.
"It's hard to tell what's going on inside that thick head of his" added Hoss.
"He's the easiest of any of us to read …. usually" Adam chimed in turning on his heel with a sigh.
In the kitchen Hop Sing barked orders in Chinese. Each time Joe carried out his instruction, moving purposefully but without speaking or looking at Hop Sing. Once everything was finished Hop Sing put his arm around Joe and softly spoke to him. Joe looked Hop Sing in the eye and squeezed the arm wrapped lovingly around his shoulder. He left the kitchen with Hop Sing feeling hopeful that soon number three son would soon release the emotions he'd bound up inside himself.
Joe was in his room changing out of his best clothes as Adam knocked lightly on the door. With no response Adam entered. "Sit down Joe" said Adam. Joe looked towards Adam and without changing his expression Joe automatically sat on the side of his bed.
Adam frowned and lowered himself next to his brother. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you when you needed me little brother. And I can't stand seeing you like this. You know we're all here for you Joe. I was so proud of you at Clay's burial. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a brother." Unusually Adam was free to speak, there were no interruptions from Joe. They sat in silence.
Finally Joe spoke. "We hardly spent any time together."
"But he was still your brother Joe" replied Adam. "It's bound to hurt" he continued.
"That's what Hop Sing said. But how can it Adam?" asked Joe for the first time allowing emotion into his voice.
"You lost your brother Joe, you can't switch your feelings off. No matter how hard you try" replied Adam.
"I don't know…" started Joe.
"I do Joe, you can't ignore what has happened" Adam finished.
"When do you know?" asked Joe.
"You know in your heart Joe" replied Adam. "From the moment I held Hoss and you in my arms I knew I would love you both forever" he continued.
"I did love him" Joe's voice breaking as he freed the ache he had kept bound in his heart.
"And he loved you" added Adam. Joe turned to his oldest brother and hugged him. Somewhat uncharacteristically Adam held his youngest brother for as long as he needed. Joe knew love with Adam, had done all his life. And Hoss too. Now as he sat there he knew he'd also known love, albeit short lived, with Clay. "Thank you Adam" said Joe as he sat back "I am one of the luckiest people around".
"Me too little brother" replied Adam as he slapped Joe on the shoulder rising to leave him to his thoughts. Me too little brother Adam smiled to himself as he walked down the hallway. Joe was back, sure there would be fire and angst as he grieved for Clay, but he had his family around him – ALL of them as he said a silent thank you to Hop Sing.