A/N: Written for the Farewell to Arms Challenge on NFA. I am deeply saddened by Cote's departure, but I am not angry. I think she has a spirit much like Ziva's, and it would be wrong to contain her. I wish her nothing but the best. And I hope she returns one day very soon. Sheila
Wild Thing
There were times when he wondered what she was like in bed. Not sexually although his dreams sometimes took him there. He wondered about how she slept. He imagined she was wild and restless, fierce even in slumber. He wondered about it because she could be on her feet for endless hours, go home late at night and then return at dawn as fresh as if she'd had a week to herself.
The immortalness of it had always intrigued him. She was as close to invincible as anyone he'd ever known with the exception of Gibbs.
The dew in the grass seeped into his shoes and soaked his socks. The sun had just completed its journey past the horizon, but it was still very quiet in the park, save the birds in the trees. D.C. was built on a swamp; the reasons for which he never understood. As a result, the heat of July was thick and wet. Even at 5:45 a.m., he felt the perspiration build on his forehead. He hadn't had time to shower, leaving him feeling sticky and self-conscious.
"Ziva?"
She shook her head on his shoulder and whispered. "A few more minutes." She clutched his arm even more tightly, and he felt anxiety growing in his gut. She'd been like this ever since he'd shown up half an hour ago. He'd rushed when she called at 4:15, sure that she heard from the boss or Tony. Boss had been MIA for more than three months now, and Tony hadn't returned his messages for at least a week.
She sighed finally, lifting her head. "It's not just because they are out of reach, McGee. You are the only logical one for this."
He looked at her quizzically, unsure he wanted to hear anything at all.
"I'm broken, my friend."
"It's been a tough year."
She nodded. "One of the toughest."
"We'll find help for you. Don't worry. I'll be there for you."
"I know." She touched his cheek. "But right now, you'll just listen."
He nodded, searching her face.
"I lost my father. That I can survive. I learned at an early age how to survive loss when I lost my Ema. Then there was Tali…Ari."
He found her hand and squeezed it. He wished Abby were here. He was the wrong kind of person for this conversation. Emotions largely confounded him. Even Tony handled grief better than he did.
"I sought vengeance and you helped me."
"Of course."
"I was relentless, driven. I had to have Bodner. Me. No one else. If anyone else had caught him, it would not have been enough. It had to be my hands around his throat and I didn't stop until I made sure that was what happened."
"Understandable."
"It didn't surprise you?" She studied his face.
"It was the Ziva I met all those years ago."
"Exactly! That Ziva! The monster I worked so hard to leave behind!"
Something tugged at his gut and he began to understand what she was trying to tell him.
"McGee, I have worked so hard to become the kind of person denied me all those years by my father. I was doing things that normal people do, people who know nothing of killing. I made friends. I trusted people. I thought I could love and be loved."
"You were in a tough spot. Anyone would've-"
"No!" Her dark eyes were fierce. "That's not true! Look at Vance. He lost his beloved wife- by all accounts a wonderful and loving woman. But he did not lose his soul."
"He had his children to think of, Ziva."
She seized his hands. "McGee, look at me! I am lost again. I am nothing more than the woman you met 8 years ago."
"You're scaring me."
"Let me tell you why you're here and no else."
He shook his head. "I don't want to have this conversation."
"It's because I can trust you."
He frowned. "You don't trust Gibbs and Tony?"
"With my life. But I trust you to respect what I have to do. Tony will stop me. Abby will break my heart. Ducky will try to get me help, but you will let me do what I have to do. You, above all others, have never tried to change me. You have never judged me."
"And Boss?"
She got teary. "I disappointed him. There was no reason for me to go after Bodner without you. That hurt him. It has almost destroyed his life."
McGee pulled away and stood. "I might not be the doormat you think I am. If you have something crazy planned, I am going to do whatever it takes to stop you."
She looked up at him. "Is it so crazy to need time away?"
"How much time?"
"Maybe six months, maybe forever."
"Ziva!"
"I don't want to be a killer anymore."
McGee wiped the perspiration off his brow and looked away.
"A year and a half ago, Gibbs and I met two girls in Afghanistan, Kinah and Lala. Kinah was blinded by the torture. They are in an orphanage now. You remember me telling you about them?"
"I remember. It broke your heart to leave them."
"I had looked into adopting them but now I've become afraid that they would get little more than a cold assassin with me as their caretaker."
"You would be a terrific mom."
"They need me."
He rubbed the bridge of his nose. "We need you."
"I love you and Abby and Ducky and Jimmy. Gibbs has been my father, and Tony… is my heart, but he wants me and I…worry that I'll only destroy him." Her voice broke. "He'll suffer the most, but you'll be there for him. You're always there for him."
He shook his head.
"I'm going to spend time with the girls, and I'm going to help. If there is enough humanity left in me, I will bring them home and contemplate a real life once again. If not, I can be of service to the orphanage until my usefulness has been exhausted."
He looked down. "I'm stuck. If Tony were here, he'd know what to do. I'm just going to stand here like an idiot and let you leave."
She wrapped her arms around him tightly, burying her head in his chest, and he let his fingers get lost in the tangle of her hair. "You're my best friend, McGee. I've never known anyone more true and kind and loyal."
"Will you stay in touch?"
"When the time is right, but I have a lot of soul searching to do. I can't give you more than that. You mustn't tell Tony where I'm going. He'd follow."
"Maybe he should."
"No, he shouldn't. Like you, he must respect the work I have to do."
He grabbed her by the shoulders. "Listen to me. If I don't get some kind of message on a weekly basis, we're all coming after you, and I mean, all of us. That's a promise. It turns out I might not be the nice guy you thought I was."
She pulled his face down to hers and kissed him soundly. "Ani o-heve oatcha ach sheli." She stepped away.
"What does that mean?"
She smiled. "You need to start working on your languages, my brother."
She turned and ran down the wooded path, her hair flying in the wind. He knew better than to chase her. He just wrapped his arms around his torso in an effort to find some comfort. It wasn't because he was a doormat that he let her leave; it was because he'd always known in his heart that wild things need space to run free.
The End